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The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 4:30:27 AM   
stubborngirl


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		hello everyone...

Here's the situation:

You (the Dominant) have a whole lot of pent up anger and hostility from past relationships that didn't work out, work sucks, and you've just found a submissive that you're interested in.

My question:
Is it ok to use that built up anger and rage to push that new submissive over a boundary?


I have to get to work and won't be able to answer any questions until later tonight, but I look forward to everyone's responses!

Thank you...
sg

**edited to add**
I'm not new to BDSM...this is just something that's been rolling around in my head for a couple of days... and yes, I've done the search feature!

< Message edited by stubborngirl -- 4/21/2008 4:49:09 AM >
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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 5:14:52 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		My gut reaction is no.  The Dom/me needs to be in complete control, and depending upon the level of anger it can take this away.  A little righteous indignation is one thing, but if someone works themselves into a rage they can be truly dangerous.  I know of many Dom/mes who refuse to have a session if they are angry.  The sub should never have to pay for disappointments caused by others.

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 5:20:43 AM   
stubborngirl


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		He's been harboring all of this rage for a long time, and it makes me mightily hesitant to continue "playing"...

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 5:45:46 AM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		There is nothing wrong with a Dom playing if he has anger or possibly rage feelings inside him. The "stop sign" should come out if he can't control those feelings and let them control him. Quite often, it is a wonderful way to process that energy in a constructive manner. Doms need release too. A Dom NEEDS to know when he is safe to play and when he isn't. There have been times when I refuse to play because "my head" is not in the right place.

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"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 6:22:23 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stubborngirl

hello everyone...

Here's the situation:

You (the Dominant) have a whole lot of pent up anger and hostility from past relationships that didn't work out, work sucks, and you've just found a submissive that you're interested in.

My question:
Is it ok to use that built up anger and rage to push that new submissive over a boundary?


I have to get to work and won't be able to answer any questions until later tonight, but I look forward to everyone's responses!

Thank you...
sg

**edited to add**
I'm not new to BDSM...this is just something that's been rolling around in my head for a couple of days... and yes, I've done the search feature!


Hmm..*I* would never touch my submissive in anger, much less rage. Period. To me, there is no reason why any Dominant should even be near their submissive when they are enraged. I hear it all the time; "My Master was furious when he got off work, and I felt it was my duty to be there for him, to take his rage out on me".  If this is how their dynamic works, and it works out well for them, so be it. But like I said, I couldn't take my anger out on my puppy. I would just as soon walk away, maybe go to the gym or someplace where I can get my anger out without hurting the one person who loves me the most in this world. As far as boundaries go, I don't cross his. It is a matter of my respect for him, just as he should never cross mine.

Good question!

MoGa

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 6:27:19 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I agree with OldBastardly1 as long as he can channel it or keep it under control.  In general for newer tops, I recommend never to play when angry until you are sure you can control and channel it, but that is fresh anger and thats something else.  First if I was him I would be woundering why I still have this old pent-up anger, holding onto it over time is not a good thing and what does he need to free himself from it?  This freedom from the anger needs to come from within him, not derived from some outside source like you.

Mike


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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 7:13:20 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Well my first instinct is if he has "a whole lot of pent up anger and hostility from past relationships that didn't work out," he should get a grip on that before embarking on another relationship of any kind.  Sounds like a walking case of serious baggage to me.

Anger is a touchy subject on these boards.  When people see that word they tend to think of the idea that the angry person is out of control and harmful.  While I believe controlled anger can be effective in certain cases, you did say rage, which is typically uncontrolled anger, and in that case I'd say you're treading on dangerous ground there.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 4/21/2008 7:15:24 AM >

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 7:57:45 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Well a few things:

First if he's carrying around all of that anger, rage and resentment...he really has no business being a relationship until he has resolved his past relationships.

Next, if that anger, rage and resentment is having absolutely no effect on your current relationship, then I would tentatively say that it's okay. I still think he needs to resolve his past relationships.

Lastly, if that anger, rage and resentment is what is fueling his dominance: I would say he's not really a Dom, just some guy that found a place where his anger, rage and resentment can be used to his advantage. He's using BDSM instead of dealing with his past relationships.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 8:18:51 AM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		No
One should never use anger or frustration as a tool. it just is a bad idea.

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See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 8:20:56 AM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		Well it fixed my TV.

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∞ ﮒuקּƹɼ ƾɛϰưϫԼ Ƨωιϯϲћ.

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 8:26:09 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Using anything from a past relationships against your new sub is a bad start. Whether you are using past problems against him, to push him, or you are setting up unrealistic expectations for him... its setting things up for failure.
Especially if he finds out that what he is being put through has nothing to dowith him, but has to do with things others have screwed up before him.

DV


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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 9:10:42 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I have no problem being a pressure valve, a release for anger, pent up frustration, and so on. I feel priviliged to be able to help someone by getting them to vent and feel better. However, having them turn their anger on me and feel justified in doing it? nah. It's a fine line, but it means understanding. If I agreed to be the pressure valve, then yes, I know what I'm getting into. To have someone direct their anger at me unknowingly and without valid reason? I'd be gone in a second.

The difference is: helping someone get past their anger and frustration, or letting them abuse you with it.

Next issue, Boundaries. I set boundaries for a reason, if someone violates my boundary, I'm gone, they've violated me, end of story. Don't care what their reasoning is, if they knew it was a boundary I had set, and they could not respect that, then they do not respect me, and will no doubt continue to abuse me.

(Edited because I hit enter too quickly.)

< Message edited by ProlificNeeds -- 4/21/2008 9:12:59 AM >

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 10:18:48 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		From a 'general' perspective; I would agree with what most have said here.

From a personal perspective though...I welcome anger...it's a huge turn on for me. So, I would encourage him to take it all out on me

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 11:15:50 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Um..... NO... never!
Its just my opinion but ... the assakes of everyday life do get relieved so to speak from sex in some degree however attaching the emotion of anger to sex is not a wise thing. When I Dom a woman and am whipping her ass so to speak, the last emotion to surface is anger... in fact if it did than everything would come to a grinding halt.  Think about it... do you really want to be tied up wtih a guy hovering over you using equipment that if used in an unintended manner would place you in ICU inside of ten minutes... NOPE. If you feel angy ya have to talk it out and come to terms with your feelings way before you pick up any kind of whip. I mean dont get me wrong... you can be pissed off at your ex but it shouldnt effect your new relationships... you can be less trusting because of what has happened in the past but again those feelings souldnt be projected onto someone else. If you get what you feel is used or cheated on in a relationship than figure out what went wrong... formulate a new strategy and take those strategies out on the new sub....lol but those are more monitoring and adding to demands not sexually.  Sometimes a good solution is just keep your girl on a very short leash and make more demands if your feeling a little insecure however the insecurities should not be noticible to the sub but should be interpreted by sub as making them more submisive or pulling them into a closer relationship. Baggage just shouldnt be an issue while your getting fucked... it can be an issue afterwards or before but just not durring... that would be the same as me allways fucking my sub and thinking about the previouse one.... just how would that one come off... I'm fucking you extra hard because I hate her????   WTF??   Its just all bad. You have to control yourself before you take authority over someone else.

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 3:29:53 PM   
stubborngirl


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks, everyone, for your input! I've had a little time to think it over (and I still have more to go), and he realizes that he overstepped a line that even I didn't know I had...

I agree with those who wondered why anyone with that much "baggage" would seek out a new sub...I like to have my issues worked out, or relatively so, before I start anything new.

You all have my deepest thanks...

sg

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 3:34:28 PM   
BlueAngelSub


Posts: 49
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		 IT IS NOT OKAY. If the dominant has no control over his emotions, then why would anyone allow that person to push them over their boundaries. They/Dominant could cause harm beyond repair.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 3:38:24 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Emotions are neither bad nor good inherently; they're just our natural reactions to the world around us.  What can be bad or good is how we ACT on those emotions.  So I can't say whether it's a bad thing that he has pent-up rage about prior relationships.  It would be a red flag for me, but it could also mean that he has learned valuable lessons from past failures.  All that ever matters is how people act.  Everything else is bullshit.

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 3:42:39 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Never. I've cut off sessions when a dominant has lost control. Regardless of the fantasy, a person is not a punching bag you may use to take out your frustrations on. How do you know they aren't going to completely lose it, and do something everyone regrets.

If it's controlled... I guess that's something you have to discuss with him, but I'd make sure you really, really know that person before you let them have at you while seriously pissed off.

On the other hand, just because they have had relationships in the past doesn't make them a bad person. It's how they handle those experiences, and how they learned from the mistakes made. Personally, I'd never bop my dog with a newspaper, just because I suddenly remembered that my old one peed on the rug first.


< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 4/21/2008 3:44:49 PM >

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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 4:59:26 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stubborngirl

hello everyone...

Here's the situation:

You (the Dominant) have a whole lot of pent up anger and hostility from past relationships that didn't work out, work sucks, and you've just found a submissive that you're interested in.

My question:
Is it ok to use that built up anger and rage to push that new submissive over a boundary?


I have to get to work and won't be able to answer any questions until later tonight, but I look forward to everyone's responses!

Thank you...
sg

**edited to add**
I'm not new to BDSM...this is just something that's been rolling around in my head for a couple of days... and yes, I've done the search feature!


To echo some of the other posts:

Anger is a dangerous tool; if you do not fully trust the self-control of the individual who is using it, then I would suggest you should run with what your instinct appears to be... which is that it is not a good thing.  If you do trust the person, it can be quite useful, but make sure they do actually listen if you, say, safeword.

Likewise, I do think it is something of a red flag that he would take out his issues about past relationships on you; it sounds to me like he has not confronted and dealt with those issues if that is the case.

Though, to be fair, I'm relatively distrustful and hostile towards all humans, but I consider myself to be a realist.


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RE: The Use of Anger - 4/21/2008 8:50:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well I am cool with playing to process anger, playing while angry, playing to induce anger and all that- but there seems to be a lot of baggage and other stuff going on which would merit more than just an angry scene to deal with.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1355389/mpage_2/key_anger/tm.htm#1356103
Giving beatings when the master is extremely angry

http://www.collarchat.com/m_953671/mpage_3/key_anger/tm.htm#954677
Anger??

http://www.collarchat.com/m_584154/mpage_1/key_anger/tm.htm#584247
Primal Zone

http://www.collarchat.com/m_403611/mpage_1/key_primal/tm.htm#403617
Resistance, force, primal, wrestling, play rape, etc?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_336357/mpage_1/key_force%252Cplay/tm.htm#336362
Fighting back

http://www.collarchat.com/m_257243/mpage_1/key_force%252Cplay/tm.htm#257283
Fighting back for fun!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_157286/mpage_1/key_force%252Cplay/tm.htm#157426
Fighting Back

http://www.collarchat.com/m_139472/mpage_1/key_force%252Cplay/tm.htm#139477
A challenging submissive

http://www.collarchat.com/m_110661/mpage_1/key_force%252Cplay/tm.htm#110673
Force

http://www.collarchat.com/m_76392/mpage_1/key_force%2Cplay/tm.htm
The premise of forced play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_214517/mpage_1/key_primal/tm.htm#214524
Releasing the beast within

http://www.collarchat.com/m_153621/mpage_1/key_primal/tm.htm#153823
Rage


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