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Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:12:39 AM   
joyfulmalcontent


Posts: 19
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have been on here under a few different names for a couple of years. What is it with dom(mes) and "drama"? I hear alot of doms saying, "drama free, no drama, etc". What does that mean? My last dom was one of those "no drama" people. I thought it meant no hysterics or outbursts.

Just a fast note: My dom and I didn't live together, he traveled for work, I had my own house and young kids I was raising on my own. He collared me, I was a slave. I saw him between 4-6 times a month, we had plans to live together, we were together almost two years.

What I came to find out was that it meant NO stressful situations period. It meant not dealing with my feelings about anything that I was uncomfortable with, it was not talking to me if he was too stressed at work-not even to say good night or good morning,  I felt so alone. I was under the impression with what we had talked about before we even started the relationship that communication was key. It was key only when he wanted to talk about something and believe me that wasn't often.

Now I'm in a situation where I'm hurt, angry and scared. I want to be able to trust myself and my instincts and do what's best for me and my kids. I feel like giving this whole thing up. Does anyone's relationship everwork out? Does a true blending of vanilla and d/s ever come out of any of this? I'm also frustrated and feeling like it's all my fault. If only I had done this or didn't do that, but again, how would I know what to do? I never knew if something was right or wrong until it was too late.

Sorry this post is all over the place but I'm just really distraught right now.


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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:16:13 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Drama basically means you cannot seem to behave in a level headed and adult fashion.
 
That you find reasons to create issues and problems where none exist-purely to puff yourself up.
 
 It basically comes from insecure attention whores, for the most part. And these sorts of people are very difficult to live and interact with-the daily crises over nothing take a toll on one's patience and respect after a while.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:32:23 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Drama Queens both male and female or somewhere in between, Doninant or submissive all feel my size 14 boot in their ass as they fly out the door!!. End of story.  Life prodices enough natural dramas as does business. Goor partnerships are based on carinf for the other person/s needs as well as your own and being up front and open when there is some problem BEFORE it cteats a drama.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)


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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:34:04 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Especially when the problem lies with the person yelling the loudest about it-but trying to point the finger elsewhere.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:39:08 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Especially when the problem lies with the person yelling the loudest about it-but trying to point the finger elsewhere.


Amen Brother A-bloody-men!!

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)


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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:44:27 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have little tolerance for drama-- which means to me taking life events and overblowing them so they are all consuming and are given far more attention then they deserve.

Personally when stressful issues pop up in my life I like to deal with them as low key and as emotionless as possible.  When I have trouble controling my emotions I like time alone to gain my control back.

I also don't like emotionally charged conversations, I don't like knee jerk reactions to actions or words and I don't like regurgitating past events or words over and over and over again.

I heard a story a long time ago, basically each person while walking on their path of life encounters many stones and boulders along the way.  They have three options for dealing with them-- they can pick them up and put them in their back pack so that they always have the issue with them, they can pick them up and toss them further ahead of them on the path to be dealth with later (and possibly with another stone that it landed on) or they can pick it up, examine it and toss it off ot the side of the path as they have no need for it any more.

In your case, I would have to wonder about how you wanted support from your Dom, did you just ask for quiet time with him, did you ask for him to be a sounding board while you elucidated your thoughts and put them into prespective or were you emotionally charged, crying, screaming, dwelling on the issues to a point of uncomfortableness?  (for example, I have a friend who brings her entire past life with her to a pity party and when she shows up the entire conversation has to be all about her until she decides to think about those who she's foising all the negative emotion on, and heaven forbid if they don't want to hear it or have their own issues, because then they are just not good friends.  But let me show up for my own pity party and she will segue out of my current issue to focus back on her just as fast as she possibly can)

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Leatherist)
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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 7:55:41 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Nods to Omega.
 
I have had subs like this in the past.. I eventually grew weary of the victim complexes, the inability to face personal accountability-the negativity.
 
 I do blame myself for ignoring the warning signs initially-and the fact that they NEVER had anything good to say about thier past partners. And of course-I ended up being added to thier long list of past "abusers" when I finally threw up my hands in exasperation at thier stubborn denial-and dismissed them to save my sanity.
 
 Live and learn.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:01:24 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Drama basically means you cannot seem to behave in a level headed and adult fashion.
 
That you find reasons to create issues and problems where none exist-purely to puff yourself up.
 
 It basically comes from insecure attention whores, for the most part. And these sorts of people are very difficult to live and interact with-the daily crises over nothing take a toll on one's patience and respect after a while.


I think this sums it up well.

I will also throw in people who seem to always have a way to make something more complicated then it is and an issue out of everything to make them look like a victim and get others to feel sorry for them.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:02:41 AM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		No Drama = Polite words for I do not want to deal with any of your issues like ex's  kids, drug issues, financial issues, broken down vehicles,  etc.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:05:20 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		No drama for me usually means act like a mature and responsible adult.

We all have our emotional side -- certainly I have mine, but I try to express it without the drama.

In the end, though, I've certainly learned that people use "no drama" as a way to NOT deal with anything they don't want to deal with.  Its a cop out as far as I'm concerned.  As a dominant, there are ways to have conversations without drama, always... even if they are hard conversations.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:12:40 AM   
Sirandlil1


Posts: 272
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Drama basically means you cannot seem to behave in a level headed and adult fashion.
 
That you find reasons to create issues and problems where none exist-purely to puff yourself up.
 
 It basically comes from insecure attention whores, for the most part. And these sorts of people are very difficult to live and interact with-the daily crises over nothing take a toll on one's patience and respect after a while.



well said

_____________________________

A true Master exhibits honor, integrity, honesty, self discipline, personal responsibility and caring for his property.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:33:33 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu

No Drama = Polite words for I do not want to deal with any of your issues like ex's  kids, drug issues, financial issues, broken down vehicles,  etc.


I disagree to a point.  While I was on the train the last time to see m'Lord all hell broke out at my house (to sum up-- my 19 year old's friends beat up my 12 year old son and then the lot of them left him alone in the house).  While neither m'Lord or I like drama,  He understood that I needed time to resolve the issue (my sister could get to my house faster).  He gave me time, he held me for a while to calm down and he was interested in making sure that my family was OK.  Now if I'd continured to be hung up on the drama surrounding the issue for the rest of the weekend (it was decided that my son would stay at my sisters-- and m'Lord would have understood if I want home) then I would say that it was drama.  But he does care about me and the issues that surround me, he just doesn't want them to overrun the interactions between us.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 9:29:47 AM   
WhiteFox77


Posts: 66
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		In my mind a key aspect of drama is bring other people into a situation they don't need to be involved in.  We're not in highschool any more (I hope), I don't need to ask my best friend to pass a note to a woman I'm interested in.  I can call, email, or just walk up to her myself.  Equally if my girlfiend calls me over to her house to have a serious talk with me, and her best friend is there, I'll walk out.  Feel free to call her over afterwards to get emotional support but private coverstations should be private.

This goes the other way too.  Don't go involving yourself in things that aren't really your buisniss.  If your friends have problems show support and if they ask for help, do what you can but try to maintane some perspective.  Above all don't make the problems "yours".


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Sincerely
WhiteFox77
Learn more about us at http://SexySubmissive.RedFoxDen.net

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 9:58:08 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline

drama

noun

1. 
a dramatic work intended for performance by actors on a stage; "he wrote several plays but only one was produced on Broadway" [syn: play] 

2. 
an episode that is turbulent or highly emotional 

3. 
the literary genre of works intended for the theater 

4. 
the quality of being arresting or highly emotional

I just ended a relationship where I felt exactly the same way.  When he was busy or stressed, I was an afterthought.  I was even stood up because he just didn't think about calling to tell me he was busy.  He avoided my concerns by telling me he didn't want long emails and would prefer that I just call him.  When I called, he said he didn't want to discuss serious issues after he'd worked all day and was tired.  When I tried to talk to him in person, he said he just wanted to relax on the weekends and not deal with serious business.  Then, he gave me "rules of engagement" from an article on fair fighting.  Essentially, I was supposed to tell him, in person, that there was something I wanted to talk about but not talk about it until a set time.  I was to pick 1 topic and stick to that topic.  When we finally did talk, he gave me a guilt trip about how hard he worked and how tired he was and how much he just wanted to relax and how my issues were my problem to deal with and how I'm insecure for questioning his motives.  Now, we didn't live together, and I saw him every other weekend.  I kind of got the feeling that all he wanted was someone who was pleasant and cooperative without any "drama" to clean his house and fuck him whenever he wanted.  My experience with the "no drama" crowd has taught me that it's exactly what Wantstocontrolu said, a polite way of saying I don't want to hear about your problems.  I have a "friend" who says "no drama."  She wants to talk about her problems, but if I talk about mine, I'm not listening to her.  *rme*
 
Anyway, consider it a lesson learned and keep looking for the right one.  You'll meet someone who doesn't mind if you actually have a life.

< Message edited by FlamingRedhead -- 4/22/2008 9:59:25 AM >

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 10:38:09 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu

No Drama = Polite words for I do not want to deal with any of your issues like ex's  kids, drug issues, financial issues, broken down vehicles,  etc.


I don't think anyone should have to deal with my issues.  They're my issues and for me to deal with.  He has helped me deal with them, however.  In fact he helped me tremendously, AFTER I was willing to take responsibility for them and deal with them rationally.  Sobbing, yelling, hyper-stressing about it, etc., was not being rational. Being willing to take a look at myself and learning what I needed to do, asking for help, and presenting my issues realistically and non-accusatory was being drama free, and got me the help I needed.  People have difficulty hearing what you're saying through dramatics and often times problems take less means to solve than we originally think...once we're able to think.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 11:30:38 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Drama is flamboyance, unnecessaary complication. I don't think communication, feelings, or the matters and stresses of life count as drama. You can MAKE them into drama by blowing them out of proportion. Or you can be an adult and face life together as a couple. If you face life's challanges alone, then you really aren't in a relationship, by my standard at least. Either someone is part of my life, and IN my life, or they are not, period.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 11:39:24 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Amen to that!!!!  *applauds*

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 11:46:08 AM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu

No Drama = Polite words for I do not want to deal with any of your issues like ex's  kids, drug issues, financial issues, broken down vehicles,  etc.


When I think of drama, I dont think of someone's need for help.  "Dealing with issues" is a huge part of friendship and erotic love--of charity love.  Finding someone you don't know, whose from a different background than you, beat up in a ditch and taking care of them--that's dealing with someone's issues.

When I think of drama, I think of someone who has developed a maladative interpersonal mechanism to seek out negative attention.  Some people get attention in a way that doesn't serve them, creating problems and looking for ways to fight because it is their long held, cherished, and utterly destructive means of getting attention.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/22/2008 8:43:26 PM   
joyfulmalcontent


Posts: 19
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all that posted. When I had approached my dom, it was always within the rules he set. There were no long drawn out emails, there were no hysterical calls in the middle of the night. Lots of times, I dealt with my own problems so that I wouldn't cause him further stress. No screaming, yelling or crying fits. I would feel him out, let him know I needed to talk to him in a quiet, respectful way. Most times, he was just too stressed out himself. Then I would wait for a while, thinking maybe he would address it with me in time. If he didn't, I would approach again in the same way. Then I was accused of being  a drama queen. If he was stressed, it was alright for me to listen and listen and support him and be there for him and do whatever I could to try to help him in any way I could. If I was stressed, it was suck it up and be quiet. I was under the impression that both people in the relationship, though not equal, would be helping and supporting each other.

Again, thank you all for posting.

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RE: Drama: Definitions and pitfalls - 4/23/2008 4:54:38 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Then find a better partner for you. Find one who wants to know about what's happening in your life. Find one who is as devoted to his kids as you are to yours.

Don't start playing and fucking until after you've become friends. Real friends, the kind who care about each other and not just for what they can get from each other. And when something doesn't work, like him not talking to you, respond by mirroring his actions. Don't talk more, mirror him by saying when he does call that you're too busy to talk to him. As long as he got his own way all the time, he had no reason to make changes. So he didn't. If he had seen that his way of interacting was causing him to be without you, he might have rethought it. But honestly all you've lost is a self centered ass so be glad it's over. And choose more wisely in the future.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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