quote:

I'm enjoying it but sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, just because it goes against everything I was taught growing up about how "a woman should be in control, not the man

Maybemaybenot: As to how my mother would realize this, let's just say she has an uncanny knack for ferreting out my secrets. She always has. She's a police lieutenant and her work has taught her to be extremely perceptive. I know that we'll be sitting at dinner one night and I'll get up to take Master's dishes to the sink and later she'll pull me aside and ask "Well what was that all about! His legs aren't broken!" or some similiar such incident

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ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty

Thank you for the advice.

Unfortunately, keeping my horse at home in a small paddock is not going to work out. I barrel race and need a place to train on the pattern every day. I'm also somewhat addicted to the comfort of Mom's facility (nice indoor barn w/electricty, 4horse trailer w/living quarters, full size lit arena, etc), so I'm going to have to find a place with similiar facilities (plus buy my own truck and trailer, which will take a while.) I've gotten spoiled to that $60,000 trailer..its going to suck to go back to a little two-horse trailer with no living quarters!

Relocating from work isn't an option either. I'm a jailer, I work for the county (not for a company.) I'd hate to start again with zero seniority and have to go to another county's jail school and all that jazz all over again. I was thinking more along the lines of moving another 20 or so miles away from her (i'm about 20 miles from her now) which would make driving to work a bit more of a hassle but it would be harder for her to "drop by" randomly. Moving out of state isn't something I desire (I live 8 miles away from where they hold a TON of big horse competitions and I'd like to stay close to that!)

He and I are going to be stuck in this apartment for several more months or so (until my lease runs out), so I've got some time to think about it.

Yeah, she's a bit of a fruitcake. Funny thing is that she had to pass a psych exam to become a cop and passed with flying colors. She thinks *I* am the crazy one!

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But if she were to find out that (heaven forbid!) he has control of the checkbook, my diet, my exercise, etc, that he tells me to do the housework, that I have to ask his permission for things, etc, she would absolutely freak out and all of a sudden decide that he's an abusive control freak (nothing could be further from the truth!)

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I barrel race and need a place to train on the pattern every day. I'm also somewhat addicted to the comfort of Mom's facility (nice indoor barn w/electricty, 4horse trailer w/living quarters, full size lit arena, etc), so I'm going to have to find a place with similiar facilities (plus buy my own truck and trailer, which will take a while.) I've gotten spoiled to that $60,000 trailer..its going to suck to go back to a little two-horse trailer with no living quarters!

I was thinking more along the lines of moving another 20 or so miles away from her (i'm about 20 miles from her now) which would make driving to work a bit more of a hassle but it would be harder for her to "drop by" randomly. Moving out of state isn't something I desire (I live 8 miles away from where they hold a TON of big horse competitions and I'd like to stay close to that!)

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ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

hello, hgkitty:

I have read this thread with sincere interest and think you've gotten some pretty sound advice, especially from pinkpleasures.

You were raised in something of a priviliged lifestyle, Mom's obcessive compulsive behavior notwithstanding. What no one seems to have said is that by keeping your horse at Mom's, you are giving Mom that control.

No one knows better than I how important a horse can be! No one knows better than I how much love you can have for a great horse. Yet, you want to have your cake and eat it, too. You can't have it both ways, and you're not going to like this advice:

If you choose to keep the horse and keep it at Mom's, you are exposing yourself to more of her control. If you let go of the horse, and of any and all financial support from Mom in any way, you can become your own person in your own right and you can set your own boundaries without fear of repercussion. You take away Mom's leverage.

Sell the horse to someone who will love it and care for it every day. Then take steps toward developing your other interests and passions.

Some day you will have the time, and the money, and the place to have a horse again, if that is what you want. Then it can be YOUR horse, instead of the horse you keep at Mom's. Being 'horseless' is temporary. There IS life after horse!

With regard to your Mom, you have to develop the strength to set boundaries with her. Setting those boundaries doesn't come easy! It takes practice, and making mistakes, and setting them again.

You can tell her you'll see her, or talk to her on the phone, as long as she respects your decisions and your choices.

For example: Say you're on the phone with her: if she begins ranting about the man you're living with, tell her that's not up for discussion and if she continues, tell her you love her and want to stay in contact with her but you'll have to talk to her again sometime when she's calmed down. Then lovingly hang up, saying you'll call her when she doesn't feel the need to criticize the choice of your mate.

When you see her, make it at her place, don't have her over to your home if you don't trust her not to snoop through everything you own. Remain at the scheduled visit as long as it's pleasant for you. When she gets unpleasant, don't fight, just leave, but leave telling her that you'll see her again when she's calmed down and can treat you with love and respect.

Another example is a 'visit' from Mom: Say she comes over for an afternoon or to dinner. She behaves perfectly as long as your partner or other family members are around. Then, the moment you and she are alone, she launches into a diatribe of how you are failing her by failing yourself: she tells you you're making a mistake, she tells you he's a poor choice for a mate, she tells you you're brainwashed. Don't let the second personal criticism fall out of her mouth. At the first criticism, stop her by raising your hand and saying, quietly and calmly: "Mom, if you continue to criticise me, you'll have to go home." When she continues, simply show her the door and tell her she has to leave for now but she can come back some other time when she leaves her criticism packed in a box at the end of the street.

Setting boundaries like this is a hurculean task! You will have to try, try harder, try again! You'll have to get past the tears and the emptional fallout that leaves you angry and feeling sick for days after such an encounter, it's HARD WORK! But it's worth it!

I'd like to suggest you read: Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward.
Another good one is: Children of the Self Absorbed, by Nina W. Brown.

You will find them empowering. You can order them from Amazon.com.

Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward, at Amazon.com

Good luck. Feel free to email Me if you wish.

TexasMaam

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ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty

I appreciate your advice. Selling the horse isn't going to happen (and Master has promised that we will do whatever it takes to prevent that.) This is actually the very first horse I've ever purchased with my own money (all the others were gifts from mom.) I have no intentions of letting him go. I scrimped and saved to buy him. I paid $5000 for him (which doesn't sound like much, considering that my mom has bought horses that cost 2-3x that much for me) but by gosh he's mine and I'm not letting him go! Even if I had to pasture board him for a while and not compete next season, I'll still keep him. Absolute worse case scenario is that I'll lease him to a high school girl for a while. Its simply too hard to find good horses (especially when you're looking for something specific like an apha registered barrel horse.)

I really agreed with the rest of your advice though.

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I would absolutely LOVE to board at the facility which holds many of the local competitions (it costs $350 a month

Absolute worse case scenario is that I'll lease him to a high school girl for a while