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how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 6:16:36 AM

jaybo

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2005
Status: offline

My wife is totally vanilla. She's not frigid but doesn't seem to enjoy sex at all. I on the other hand would lover her to be more adventurous. I know it's unlikely, but does anyone have any tricks they've used to kind of 'trick' someone into it. By that I mean suggesting something to her that seems tame so she'll try it, but then will get her to open up because she never realized she would have liked it (I know that is confusing, but if you understand it, maybe you can help me!)

jaybo

Post #: 1

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 6:29:16 AM

jaybo

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Joined: 10/12/2005
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Just to clarify...i am hoping that some of you have examples of how you were drawn into the scene in a seemingly innocuous way yourselves.

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Post #: 2

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 6:40:09 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

Have you tried to just tell her what you are wanting in a non scary way? Or try to introduce some extra kink into your sex life. When I was totally vanilla I still liked being blindfolded and light bondage done on me. You don't have to get out the whip of course. Just tease and seduce her into it might do it. Try the next time you have sex to hold her hands above her head so she can't use them. Try to be a bit more commanding in your attitude. Lots of women really respond to a strong willed man, especially in the bedroom.

What you can't do is "trick" her into anything. You can try to broaden her ideas by slowly introducing new things you would like. I do feel it's up to both partners to try to please the other. If she isn't at least willing to try to give you what you want then you have deeper problems and you won't ever get her over to your side.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

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Post #: 3

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 7:04:31 AM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
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I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for, but I'll share the link with you anyway in case you find it useful:

"7 Steps For Exploring Kink With Your Vanilla Partner"

Written from the perspective of a male sub/bottom in a relationship with a kinda/sorta vanilla woman. It's worked every time I've tried it, which is exactly once, so the advice is probably worth what you paid for it.

I would lose the idea/attitude of trying to "trick" her. Not a good way to approach things, IMO.

*waves at Littlepita* Howdy neighbor!

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Post #: 4

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 7:15:05 AM

jaybo

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2005
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I should not have used the word "trick". I didn't mean to imply I wanted to blindfold her and then cum on her face! Not at all. But I have tried talking to my wife about it and she just tells me that she's not into it. So instead of trying to bring it up again in conversation, I thought I would just ask to see if any subs out there learned they liked being submissive through something seemingly innocuous. I know it's along shot, but what the hell.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 5

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 7:22:10 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
You can't change someone's nature to make them change against their will. Even if they do try to change for you it is not usually possible without them resenting they had to change for you and hurting your relationship in the end.
I know before I decided I liked pleasure and pain mixed with discipline no one could convince me it was good for me. I had to find it myself to have it work for me.
Maybe if you take the focus off of sex (since you said she's not into it) and start spoiling her with warm oil massages all over her body that just happen to include her inner thighs and crotch, drawing bubble baths and washing her with wash cloths and showing her more of your nurturing side without sex being in the game plan she’ll come around to wanting you to touch her intimately again.
The more you push her to be sexy the more she’ll draw back and not want to.
Loving her body without it meaning it has to lead to intercourse may actually make her horny and want to have your attentions sexually again, instead of it feeling like another chore for her. Be careful to remember once she starts to initiate sex you have to tread lightly and increase how often you ask her to fool around slowly as it’s a re-programming period. If you think it’s back to being good right away all your hard work will be for nothing.
Once she's back to being interested in sex with you, you could be a little firmer when you pinch her nipples especially at the point of her climax, you could start to nibble on her neck and shoulders gently and over time get harder to the point you are biting her, littlepita's advice of holding her hands over her head while you screw her is a good way to start to introduce bondage, to get her in a blindfold you could give her a massage with scented candles & tell her you think she'll be more in tune with the scents and your touch if she can't see, you could pat her butt firmly once in a while and work towards her liking that sort of thing, and you could talk to her about how you feel. Maybe you could say something like, did you ever have sexy fantasies assuring her you don’t want to try them, but rather you’d just like to know what she thinks about that turns her on.
I think if you gradually add things in little by little you'll find her true limits as to how far she's willing to go.

I honestly think if she's more of the hates sex, isn't kinky, and is a prudish women you will probably not be able to change her, but good luck and I wish you well.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

< Message edited by plantlady64 -- 10/12/2005 7:24:25 AM >

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Post #: 6

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 8:08:09 AM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Why is this same thread on two different forums?

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Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

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Post #: 7

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 10:06:08 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I am looking for advice on how to get my wife to enjoy submission. She is totally vanilla. She's not frigid but doesn't seem to enjoy sex at all. I on the other hand would lover her to be more adventurous.

jaybo,

Once you get past this first question, the next question is what's the most important aspect of a successful M/s or D/s relationship. Well within that answer is the answer to this question - HONESTY.

You should use the EXACT same words in the sentences I quoted with her.

What do you expect from people here? We don't know your wife better than you. We don't know how long you've been together, what problems you've had, how long you've had these desires, etc. Your profile says you are 47, assuming your wife is close to your age you should talk to her about it.

Also you need to be honest with yourself. What draws you to wanting her to be submissive? If you are reacting to the visual porn that you see and want to experience what's it's like to have a "sex-slave"; I can assure you that the reality is MUCH different.

I'm sure you'll get some to answer you by suggesting watching some movie like "The Secretary" together. But aside from the fact that it represents people in the lifestyle as being neurotic, self abusing fools; its a BAD movie. Better to set aside a night when you two can be alone, turn off the TV and lights, set some candles on fire, get naked, hold each other in your arms, and talk about your desires. BTW - that "your" is the plural.

Be prepared for hearing things you don't want to hear. Do you think or KNOW she doesn't "enjoy sex at all"? If she's said so - why not ask HER why? What can YOU do about it? Does she enjoy sex with herself? If so, watch her and learn. And that takes us full circle - Honest Communication. How more nakedly honest can you be masturbating in front of your partner?

The source of the answer you seek is sleeping next to you every night. It's NOT on these message boards. There is no "trick". But people who live this lifestyle can give you a couple magic words to start your discovery - HONEST COMMUNICATION.

Good luck!

(in reply to jaybo)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 3:03:42 PM

Aquariansub

Posts: 56
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

I was totally vanilla before meeting my dom... I hadnt even heard of BDSM. There was never any kind of trickery (well none that I knew of..lol)when we first started chatting...the thing that impressed me the most was the honest open communication. I had only ever really experienced the roll on roll off type of sex which became boring for me so I lost interest. I had always thought there had to be "more to it" so our chats definately "sparked an interest"
There are so many different likes and dislikes with many aspects of BDSM exploring them and finding out about them can be an exciting journey. Like Plantlady says...start with the "Pampering" find out what interests her and go on from there.......and communicate honestly.

(in reply to jaybo)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 3:22:46 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

"How do you convert a vanilla"

Dip her in chocolate...then bite her nipples.....Damn, DairyQueen has corrupted me!

Dilly Bars!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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Post #: 10

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 8:23:50 PM

comesoncommand

Posts: 78
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

*applauding* wow...beth is a wonderful example of naked honesty...not always fun to hear, but genuine and absolute honesty with clear communication (leaving not a lot of room for misinterpretation). i read a sub's journal (i wish i had marked it, b/c now i can't remember whose it was *doh*) that explained the difference between what many women think a slave's life will be (fantasy) and what it will really consists of. i think beth has a very good point...what is it that attracts you about your wife being submissive? Is the attraction based on something you've seen or read (though the story of o and the "beauty" trilogy was hot...i'm an owned slave and those aren't good representations of how i spend my days for my Master). Make sure you're clear on your motive and attraction so she can be too. i have found that the amazing thing in the relationship with my Master is not so much the play (though that is AWESOME too), it is the amazing freedom of being in a relationship based on trust, respect, and communication...all of which are grounded in absolute honesty.

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/12/2005 10:33:51 PM

subversiveone

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/20/2005
From: Daddy's Lap
Status: offline

i second Mercnbeth (always the voice of reason)
it sounds like you need to figure out why she doesn't seem to enjoy sex at all.
even the most sensitive, romantic lover can't please someone who's totally against sex! now assuming you two still have sex, you are going to have to do a lot of experimenting to find out what she likes at all. build on that and get in her head. i would go further to say that the problem might be you my friend! she may be secretly getting off on denying you the pleasures that you've shared with her, perhaps in retalliation for goodness knows what in your relationship.
as far as tricks go, the old blindfold n handcuff gag or a tickling/wrestling session gone wrong?

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Post #: 12

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/13/2005 11:00:16 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Why don't you start by being honest and learning how to please her? Everyone like's sex, they may just not have had any good sex yet. Which is why they would say they don't like it.

I've had a lot of experience with people such as yourself and your situation in the past.
Essentially you can't push too hard or they will revolt and stop trying anything with you. Label you as sick.

If you try to "fool" them when they catch on they may revolt. So, my suggestion is the same...honesty. Although I think you have a larger problem than trying to get her to try the lifestylen

Pick up a book and do some reading? Allow her to get to know herself a bit better. You never know what she may come up with on her own after she feels more secure.

Anyway, books to read.
Sex Starved Marriage, a couples guide to boosting your libido.
http://about.pricegrabber.com/search_books2.php/book_id=12212689/search=Sex+Starved+Marriage+A+Couples+Guide+to+Boosting+Marriage+Libido/skd=1

Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask.
http://about.pricegrabber.com/search_getprod.php/isbn=0060192674

How to give her absolute pleasure.
http://about.pricegrabber.com/search_getprod.php/isbn=0767904524

(in reply to jaybo)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/13/2005 12:35:47 PM

jaybo

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Joined: 10/12/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for all the replies. I think there is a lot of good advice her not the least of which is honesty which was, in fact, the first thing I tried. But even if nothing works, it's been a positive experience getting the sincere feedback from all of you. thanks!

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Post #: 14

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 1:00:05 PM

realsumissive

Posts: 73
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline

Jaybo,

I can only relate an actual experience I had with my now ex-wife. Some will find the humor in it as I do now, some may not. But it may give you some insight about using the trickery you suggested.

I have to preface this by saying both she and I worked, and on weekends she did most of the housework that built up during the week. I usually played golf, or watched the games on TV since I'm a sports nut.

It started on a Friday evening when we were bored with TV and we both hit the bedroom a bit early. I knew i was submissive, and a closet crossdresser since I was a child. My wife never knew this. We were married nine years when this happened. We started playing on the bed. It was innocent enough. I was teasing her about her underwear, and to add to the fun, I put her bra and panties on. Since i suffer from ED, my delight doesn't show. One thing led to another and I went to her drawer and pulled out a garter and nylons and put them on. We were actually having a good time with it. We fell asleep, with me dressed in her underwear.

Saturday morning she had plans to help her elderly grandmother hang curtains and do some cleaning, which would take most of the day. To make a long story short, I put on one of her dresses and heels while she was having cofee and appeared in the kitchen laughing and saying she should see the complete package. She gave me the perfect leadin by saying that she would love to have our friends see me dressed like a woman.

I jumped on the advantage and ran for the chains, and chained my wrists together. I told her I would now have to spend the day like that until she returned if she wanted to keep me prisoner, and dumped the keys in her purse. She though it was a hoot, and when she was leaving i asked if there was anything she needed doing. I knew exactly what she did on Saturday watching her routine for nine years. She asked me if I would vacuum the carpet in the livingroom. She called twice, and I gave her no indication I did what she asked.

When she got home, I had vacuumed the livingroom along with the rest of the house. I cleaned and scrubbed both bathrooms. I did the dishes, and the laundry, which by the way, she despised doing. I had dinner almost ready and her bath drawn. The house was spottless, and she had nothing to do but enjoy the evening. I undressed before dinner and we had a quiet evening.

I wish I had taken the time to think of the female psyche. I'm sure you can figure out what happened the following Friday night and Saturday. If you can't, I'll tell you. Not a damn thing. She did the housework, bitching and moaning in the laundry room, and I watched TV all day. Some women just don't catch on, or don't want to. if your wife doesn't have the inclination to kink up your sexlife, it won't be easy to change that, but good luck.

(in reply to jaybo)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 1:09:12 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: realsumissive

Jaybo,

I can only relate an actual experience I had with my now ex-wife. Some will find the humor in it as I do now, some may not. But it may give you some insight about using the trickery you suggested.

I have to preface this by saying both she and I worked, and on weekends she did most of the housework that built up during the week. I usually played golf, or watched the games on TV since I'm a sports nut.

It started on a Friday evening when we were bored with TV and we both hit the bedroom a bit early. I knew i was submissive, and a closet crossdresser since I was a child. My wife never knew this. We were married nine years when this happened. We started playing on the bed. It was innocent enough. I was teasing her about her underwear, and to add to the fun, I put her bra and panties on. Since i suffer from ED, my delight doesn't show. One thing led to another and I went to her drawer and pulled out a garter and nylons and put them on. We were actually having a good time with it. We fell asleep, with me dressed in her underwear.

Saturday morning she had plans to help her elderly grandmother hang curtains and do some cleaning, which would take most of the day. To make a long story short, I put on one of her dresses and heels while she was having cofee and appeared in the kitchen laughing and saying she should see the complete package. She gave me the perfect leadin by saying that she would love to have our friends see me dressed like a woman.

I jumped on the advantage and ran for the chains, and chained my wrists together. I told her I would now have to spend the day like that until she returned if she wanted to keep me prisoner, and dumped the keys in her purse. She though it was a hoot, and when she was leaving i asked if there was anything she needed doing. I knew exactly what she did on Saturday watching her routine for nine years. She asked me if I would vacuum the carpet in the livingroom. She called twice, and I gave her no indication I did what she asked.

When she got home, I had vacuumed the livingroom along with the rest of the house. I cleaned and scrubbed both bathrooms. I did the dishes, and the laundry, which by the way, she despised doing. I had dinner almost ready and her bath drawn. The house was spottless, and she had nothing to do but enjoy the evening. I undressed before dinner and we had a quiet evening.

I wish I had taken the time to think of the female psyche. I'm sure you can figure out what happened the following Friday night and Saturday. If you can't, I'll tell you. Not a damn thing. She did the housework, bitching and moaning in the laundry room, and I watched TV all day. Some women just don't catch on, or don't want to. if your wife doesn't have the inclination to kink up your sexlife, it won't be easy to change that, but good luck.

Why not say to her, 'You know, if you ever want to take a day off and do that again, let me know."?

Or, a proactively submissive approach would be to ask to do the chores for her and tell her to go out and get her nails done and enjoy her day. I've seen subs use this approach and slowly move on to other things. By keeping her in the dark, you didn't really give her a fair chance.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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Post #: 16

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 1:13:38 PM

LRODANDMASTER

Posts: 161
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline

USUALY I JUST TELL THE WAITER TO TAKE IT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND BRING OUT SOMEHTING LIKE RUM RAISON OR ROCKY ROAD INSTED

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LRODANDMASTER TYPE LIKE DUMASS BUT HIM NO DUMASS

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Post #: 17

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 1:15:12 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaybo

But I have tried talking to my wife about it and she just tells me that she's not into it.

If she says this then why do you keep trying to push it? If she's not, she's not.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 18

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 2:01:05 PM

Hallittlelolita

Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

Hit there, my advice to you is you need to talk and communicate about why she dosent like sex? Second, you cannot trick anyone into anything without it being consensual and agreed upon first Third, if she wants to submit to you it has to be in her heart, in other words submission it has to be in heart

Sincerely andie and her Master Hal

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Post #: 19

RE: how do you convert a vanilla? - 10/17/2005 2:01:17 PM

realsumissive

Posts: 73
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline

Aakasha,
What part of ex-wife didn't register? Hehehe Thank you though. I must admit, I thought I'd be dressed by eight The following saturday. I never gave much thought to taking a step back and trying another approach after that. I have rerun that incident in my mind 1000 times, and the bottom line was, i was actually feeding my desire, and I wasn't that interested in her situation. maybe that one reason why it's now ex-wife. Actually, she said that she couldn't handle a physical disaster that I was faced with, so she threw me ot. When i didn't lose my legs, as we were told i was going to, she tried to repair the damage, but i was too macho to even discuss it. I guess it was my loss, because she was a good wife.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 20

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