quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

there is a difference between the needs i have that have to be met in order for me to exist and the needs i have that have to be met in order for me to thrive ...though i have not spent a great majority of my life getting my needs met in order for me to thrive, i know what they are and i continue to push forward to try to get to a place where they can be...

prinny...i can probably tell you what you need to exist - it's pretty easy, i can look it up on google or any number of resources...what you need to thrive is distinctly up to you...i could not thrive in LA's situation, i could not thrive in darcy's situation, i could not thrive in BSB's situation...i am uniquely me, and i had to figure out what i needed to "be all that i can be"...and i have to change and adapt, because as you and others have noted, it changes constantly...this is what i was talking about all those times i said, get to know you, all by yourself, without a man in the picture...because if you are anything like me, and i know you are (i am hoping that is a compliment), you will take on way too much of what you think he thinks is good or best or whatever you think he wants if you don't have a solid, stable picture of what is you, who you are and the foundation to stand on and say "i will not compromise me so i can be with this person"...because you are worth it and there is someone out there that will love everything about you, not just the bits and pieces he wants...

take care
chelle

 

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ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Forget the bs, protocols,mystic ascendencies that people tack on to make themselves feel better. It's only smoke and mirrors.
 
What enables you to feel fullfilled as a woman?

Ya know Leatherist i'm not even sure {with all due respect} that i buy into the whole "what enables you to be fullfilled as a woman" crap.  i think some people use that as a crutch or a cop out...i think for some people they need to look at what they reallly need....For me i have very few NEEDS.  They include: the ability to breathe, food, water, shelter, a place to live, a job, and a way to get to the job...For me anything else is just a bonus..
But then again, i've been accused of being a simple person before. i am not sure if i can't get all the hoopla or can't comprehend the insanity of doing the same thing expecting different results.....
Kali

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ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I'll take a stab at this, since with the both boys I have already gone through this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
As a submissive what do I need?
Do I have defineable needs?
Do I have needs which are shaped by my Dominant?
Could I, or should I therefore have my beliefs in what I need changed by the Dominant whom I am with?

I will assume we can refer to needs as wants and desires, not necessarily actaul must-have needs. There are those, of course, like the need for companionship and the need for conversation and affection. But those would be the same regardless of if the relationship were D/s or vanilla. I'll focus on D/s wants and desires. As a sub, only you can figure out what you need to be happy in that position. Each of my 2 have very different needs. They are highly definable, and without addressing those needs, our relationship would go nowhere. I want happy slaves, becasue if I have happy slaves I will have worthwhile relationships. Part of their being happy is making sure that their needs are met. Some of those needs were shaped by me, and their personal interaction with me. There were the stirrings of interest before me, but as we stayed together they becasme more of something they desires consistantly instead of just thought about. Others have ceased to be desires, after having either not enjoyed or been disappointed by a nee dthey thought they would have but learned better.

This best ecplains how submissive needs/wants/desires are experienced as along a continuum by a sominant and in part are pre-existing yet can be shaped.

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Likewise from a Dominants point of biew:
Do you satisfy or deny your sub's needs?
Do you expect or allow those needs to change?
Do you wish to change your sub's beliefs in what they need as a form of control?

I put work into satisfying thir needs, but I also do not let that work overshadow my own needs and desires. There is a balance and compromise that must be met of the relationship is one sided and will not work out well. I expect the needs wil change as they mature and learn more about themselves, and as life situations change. Angel's needs and wants now are far different fom when I got him 2 years ago, and wil likely change again when he starts his Army training. I will adjust with him, since keeping him is more important than anything else. I have changed some of his beliefs and needs as a control factor, to make them more parallel my own desires. Others I will never touch, becasue they are beliefs and desires very important to who he is and how he functions.

To me this feels again as though there is a very strong sense of self and putting own self and needs at the forefront. don't read me wrong; i am not negating this as selish in any way. I am just expressing what I feel is paramount for you.

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The biggest question: how are both sub and dominant needs met.....I know the one word answer (is communication) but I sincerely would be suppoerted by more detailed answers.

In a well-paired couple, there is no need to ask this question. Fox and I compliment each other fairly naturally, we meet one anthers needs without having to think about it. Angel and I work wel off one another, I can read what he wants from his actions, and he knows me well enough to either figure out what I want or ask what I desire. The idea is to find someone who has much the same wants and needs as you do, or the opposites of them if they can work together. I have a strong desire to be needed, Angel and Fox both have the desire to be dependant. Things like that.

Good luck.
DV

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
When I first went to school I was curious as to why there was only one of everyone else. seriously.....

I guess that's a sign that your troubles with getting outside of yourself and really understanding the world outside your small sphere started early.  Work on that some more and get perspective.