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I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 9:59:33 PM

ownedgirlie

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I left my sociopathic, emotionally abusive husband 2 years, 10 months, 19 days and 10 hours ago. Since then, I have journeyed through an interesting hell in which I lost almost everything tangible I owned. I retained some of my grandmother's things, my soul, and my friends and family. It has been the fight of a lifetime to get this divorced finalized, since he refused to sign divorce papers and engaged in every delay tactic known by man, woman and beast.

Today he ran out of workable tactics, and we signed the settlement agreement. I should be elated. I have finally shaken the chihuahua off my ankle. But I feel nothing (except a rather tough headache). It's quite surreal. Next week would mark our 20th anniversary. I am not sad, happy, angry or confused. I simply "am." I feel a sense of relief, and yet until I see the document sanctioned by the courts, it still seems unreal.

Has anyone else experienced something huge and felt "nothing" while feeling like they should be feeling some really strong emotions? Was it weird? Why do you think this happens?

I'm interested in other experiences and thoughts.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:01:46 PM

Leatherist

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Joined: 12/11/2007
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I generally manage to totally forget to care about past annoying people in my life.

It's a blessing.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 2

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:04:30 PM

domiguy

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Probably because many people feel that they are somewhat duplicitous when it comes to assessing the blame. Not really much to celebrate.

Just to make sure that you don't allow yourself to repeat your behavior that led you there in the first place.

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RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:05:44 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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*hugs* OG

When my Dad died, it took about 3 days before I *felt* again. I was completely numb for those 3 days.

I think it's part of a grief process.

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Post #: 4

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:06:42 PM

lilabbotsfordgrl

Posts: 140
Joined: 1/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I have journeyed through an interesting hell.. It has been the fight of a lifetime.. But I feel nothing.

Quoting selectively, maybe you answered your own question?! Looks like you've already gone through almost everything. You've been mostly "over" it for a while, it seems. What does a signature change, really? The relationship is long gone and the only thing the signature does at this point is makes some inky marks on a page somewhere.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 5

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:29:45 PM

Pandoran

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline

Hi Sweetie,

I normally don't post on these message boards as I am a private person. But I felt compelled to post because my heart goes out to you.

I believe that what you are experiencing is very normal and human. I have chosen to leave my husband of ten years and I feel the same way.

I think our bodies are sometimes more intelligent then our minds. In my experience, sometimes my body allows me to feel numbness and relief - simply existing, unquestioning. My body is telling me that contrary to what others might say, I can have the freedom to exist peacefully as myself without my husband.

You will cry or feel elated later, when your body is ready - not at the moment when you "should" - for that idea is based on a pre-conceived notion that you would react according to an abstract model.

It is so crushing to love someone with every fiber of your being and then to have him piss on your marriage by being abusive, lying, stealing, or whatever.

I wish there was a solution to this problem that I could share with you, but there is not; it is part of the human condition.

The only advice that I can give you is to continue to act in a manner that is noble and with integrity, and in doing so you will continue to enjoy your own company and the company of your dom, your new rebound boyfriends (if any) and your good friends, regardless of your former husband's troublesome behavior.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 6

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:37:58 PM

Pandoran

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline

Domiguy -

It's possible that Ownedgirlie didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people start out as one thing and then de-evolve into something else. Ownedgirlie is not responsible for choosing incorrectly if her husband was a wonderful person for the duration of their marriage, and then changed and became abusive at the end.

Yes of course it takes two to tango but...

I don't think Ownedgirlie should worry about her responsibility for what happened when she is in the midst of grieving for the loss of her husband - the loss of the person he was before he became abusive. Subs already do that way too much to begin with.

Just one sub's opinion.

(in reply to Pandoran)

Post #: 7

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:41:47 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I generally manage to totally forget to care about past annoying people in my life.

It's a blessing.

I can understand this. For me it's not about remembering or forgetting to care. He removed that care a long time ago. I think it's more of a let down...like when you spend months planning for a great vacation and then you get home and it's...well...over. :) I think I had expectations that I would feel this swooshing sense of relief that I don't have to do battle anymore. I have not had an adulthood without him taking up my energy somehow (we met when I was 19). Now I don't have to spend energy on things related to him anymore. It's weird. Good, but weird.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

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Post #: 8

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:43:59 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Probably because many people feel that they are somewhat duplicitous when it comes to assessing the blame. Not really much to celebrate.

Just to make sure that you don't allow yourself to repeat your behavior that led you there in the first place.

You're absolutely right. I went from taking all the blame to blaming it all on him, to realizing I allowed this crap to happen in my world.

It's not possible for me to repeat that behavior now. I have an entirely different sense of self worth now, and healthy boundaries, and Master who makes me accountable and doesn't let me get away with being an idiot.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 9

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:45:53 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I generally manage to totally forget to care about past annoying people in my life.

It's a blessing.

I can understand this. For me it's not about remembering or forgetting to care. He removed that care a long time ago. I think it's more of a let down...like when you spend months planning for a great vacation and then you get home and it's...well...over. :) I think I had expectations that I would feel this swooshing sense of relief that I don't have to do battle anymore. I have not had an adulthood without him taking up my energy somehow (we met when I was 19). Now I don't have to spend energy on things related to him anymore. It's weird. Good, but weird.

Comes the time when you finally cut off the conduit, and the energy drain ends. And rather than feeling to sense of constant loss, you realize an equilibruim.

It's simply a state of nuetrality. From here you begin to refill your reserviors-it will just take time to notice the gradual increase.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 4/23/2008 10:46:16 PM >

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 10

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:48:13 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

OG-
i wasn't going to post this because i was afraid some people might think i'm a bit wacked...Then i realized if they haven't realized it by now, they've got issues... :D
Anyway, i think i can relate to where You are coming from. My relationship with my dad was never loving, supportive, or kind by an means...Abusive seems like such a trite word when used to describe our relationship. For as long as i can remember i'd lay in bed at night and fantasize about him dying...How strong i'd be, how impressed all these people would be... How relieved i'd be. How free i'd be. Hell, how happy i'd be. i guess part of it, for me, was that i really thought that when he died all of the chaos and bullshit would die with him...and sadly it did not. i think for the first few months afterwards i was just in such shock and didn't know how to cope or deal with the fact that he was gone and NOTHING had gone the way i had anticipated it.. That, and i did (and sometimes still do) felt guilty and stupid for missing him...Not missing the idea of him, but actually missing him.
Not sure if any of this makes any sense or not.
Kali

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Post #: 11

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:54:44 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

*hugs* OG

When my Dad died, it took about 3 days before I *felt* again. I was completely numb for those 3 days.

I think it's part of a grief process.

Probably so. When my Dad died I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy for him, for not enduring all that pain anymore, and sad for me. And then I really didn't know how to feel, because I hadn't experienced anything like it before. Maybe that's the case with me today.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 12

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:56:22 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilabbotsfordgrl

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I have journeyed through an interesting hell.. It has been the fight of a lifetime.. But I feel nothing.

Quoting selectively, maybe you answered your own question?! Looks like you've already gone through almost everything. You've been mostly "over" it for a while, it seems. What does a signature change, really? The relationship is long gone and the only thing the signature does at this point is makes some inky marks on a page somewhere.

All good points. In this case, the signature puts an end to a nearly 3 year battle. But I'm still the same person I was yesterday. And other than the 2 1/2 hour meeting this morning, my day today was like any other day.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to lilabbotsfordgrl)

Post #: 13

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 10:59:23 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pandoran
The only advice that I can give you is to continue to act in a manner that is noble and with integrity, and in doing so you will continue to enjoy your own company and the company of your dom, your new rebound boyfriends (if any) and your good friends, regardless of your former husband's troublesome behavior.

And what great advice it is.

I'm glad you wrote, and I wish you all the goodness in the world in your own path ahead.

I actually already went through grieving the ex and the marriage and the future I thought I was going to have and the house and the kids I didn't get, etc. Talk about major therapy for that!! It was a tough process, for sure.

Today I mostly feel....well...grateful, actually.

You will feel that way too, when you get through the bad stuff.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Pandoran)

Post #: 14

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:00:40 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Comes the time when you finally cut off the conduit, and the energy drain ends. And rather than feeling to sense of constant loss, you realize an equilibruim.

It's simply a state of nuetrality. From here you begin to refill your reserviors-it will just take time to notice the gradual increase.

That was awesome.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 15

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:04:04 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

OG-
i wasn't going to post this because i was afraid some people might think i'm a bit wacked...Then i realized if they haven't realized it by now, they've got issues... :D
Anyway, i think i can relate to where You are coming from. My relationship with my dad was never loving, supportive, or kind by an means...Abusive seems like such a trite word when used to describe our relationship. For as long as i can remember i'd lay in bed at night and fantasize about him dying...How strong i'd be, how impressed all these people would be... How relieved i'd be. How free i'd be. Hell, how happy i'd be. i guess part of it, for me, was that i really thought that when he died all of the chaos and bullshit would die with him...and sadly it did not. i think for the first few months afterwards i was just in such shock and didn't know how to cope or deal with the fact that he was gone and NOTHING had gone the way i had anticipated it.. That, and i did (and sometimes still do) felt guilty and stupid for missing him...Not missing the idea of him, but actually missing him.
Not sure if any of this makes any sense or not.
Kali

It makes perfect sense. And since I'm already an established wack-head, no worries on being wacky.

When someone has taken up so much mental and heart space for so long (especially a parent), you can't help but notice their absence. I saw a quote once, years and years ago, and I don't know who it is attributed to, but it said, "No matter what your relationship with your parents is, you will miss them when they're gone." I suspect missing your Dad, even if he was rotten, is as normal. Go easy on yourself.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 16

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:04:21 PM

mzbehavin

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline

I was numb the day of my dissolution after 14 years together. Still am really in some ways. For me, its that i tend to put away what i dont want to examine very closely, for whatever reason that may be. Like a personal defense mechanism or psychic shield.
Cant say its good or bad, it just is. xox

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There's never really a good time for the whole Man to Beast thing...Just kind of~Whaum! and hope for the best...
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Post #: 17

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:04:51 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

I really don't know exactly how I finally just let go of the past bitterness. Some people might think it some sort of wierd dissasociative state. I just know that I woke up one day, and it stopped mattering. I guess I got it out of my system and found that I enjoyed not being reminded.

I'd see what a mess these people were continuing to make of thier lives, and snicker a little.

Business as usual,but not in my world-not today.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 18

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:13:26 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

Cant say its good or bad, it just is. xox

That's how I feel. People are talking about a divorce party. I thought I would want one. Today I just said, "Nah. Let's just get on with life now."

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 19

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/23/2008 11:16:49 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I really don't know exactly how I finally just let go of the past bitterness. Some people might think it some sort of wierd dissasociative state. I just know that I woke up one day, and it stopped mattering. I guess I got it out of my system and found that I enjoyed not being reminded.

I'd see what a mess these people were continuing to make of thier lives, and snicker a little.

Business as usual,but not in my world-not today.

I made it a point at the beginning of all of this that I didn't want to become a bitter, middle aged, divorced woman. I wanted to be happy and experience goodness. It took a lot of work to do that. At first it was hard to not let myself blurt out some bitter and sarcastic remark when in circles of friends, because everything seemed to remind me of something cruddy that he did. When I did slip and say something, I'd follow it up with "...but I'm not bitter" and laugh.

I don't really think bitter thoughts anymore. Between my Master and I, my focus has been purposefully directed on the better things in life. He and I just spoke a few minutes ago. I said without my energy on this situation anymore, that leaves room for a whole lot. He agreed.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 20

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