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JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 9:27:53 PM   
Slutsub


Posts: 31
Joined: 12/8/2004
From: my knees
Status: offline 		SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????

_____________________________

slut sub........x
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 9:34:19 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		i think that jealousy can happen in any relationship, d/s or otherwise. It's all in a matter of how you handle it. my Dom is a natural flirt with others and yeah, it's been hard to handle...and i've overreacted a few times. Trusting someone, and knowing that they care about you and love you, is key to not letting it get out of hand.

you could always talk to him too, and let him know what makes you feel uncomfortable and jealous and what he could do differently to help lessen those thoughts. Depending on your personal relationship dynamic would determine what he does with the information though.

(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 9:34:37 PM   
mystictryst


Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think it is normal in any type of relationship - not just "non vanilla".

If you are jealous about his relationships with other subs, that is an issue you need to address with him, I would think you (both) would need to set up parameters or boundaries of what you (again, both of you) are comfortable with.

If he likes more than one sub and you don't, you have to decide where your line in the sand is.

Fact is, jealousy can't be willed away, it can't be ordered away. And as I've learned, it isn't a happy place to be cause as much as you try, it can just keep eating away at you. Also, it isn't very flattering... :)

(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 9:36:18 PM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slutsub

SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????

what is it that brings up the jealousy? a bdsm d/s relationship will have most if not all of the same facets as others that you have. inner security plays a big part.

(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 10:17:15 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????


What will stop it is being secure within yourself and within your relationship. Your jealousy most likely stems from fears that he will find someone else more desirable, attractive, whatever than you are, and that he'll dump you in favor of one of those "more" women. In reality, when jealousy is a factor, he's more likely to dump you because of your jealous behavior than the attractiveness of another female.

This was a sometimes painful lesson for me to learn, watching Master play with other slaves. But I learned that when I was feeling neglected or insecure, I would become angry and jealous. When I felt I was getting equal time and was secure in our relationship, the jealousy factor simply was not there. Nowadays, He could go do whatever He felt like with however many women He wants, and I wouldn't care... as long as He uses a condom.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/12/2005 11:50:41 PM   
kimmypuss


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline 		In my Experience...
until both partners feel as secure as they can be with each other, there will be jealousy issues.
If someone is feeling big jealousy (not just twinges), they are not feeling secure in the relationship.
And maybe for very valid reasons... could be they know their partner well.
;)

But if someone really doesn't want you to be jealous, they could help greatly by heightening your sense of security.

I don't know your situation or what is expected of you.
My experience is with men who did not see D/s in the formal terms most people here do.

I still think putting labels or name-tags on your "ranks" doesn't erase primal emotional reactions.

Simplistically, I would say - don't seek out knowledge that you know will make you jealous;
and to the person who is the focus of your jealousy, I would say - be more discreet.

Hope this makes sense, here.




















(in reply to Evanesce)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 2:24:44 AM   
babebirdy


Posts: 16
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		I know I have had this problem, and yes my fear was being left for someone "better." The thing that has made it go away, at least for the most part is the sucerity in the relationship with Master.

The jealousy steems from having my heart broke to many times. But Master's love has finaly broken down that reaction.

(in reply to kimmypuss)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 3:15:04 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		jeolousy goes away as security in the relationship grows. Its a two way street, if he sees your jeolous, you need to work on this, and maybe he quite possibly can relieve some of the tension as well.

(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 4:07:53 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slutsub

SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????


Master is not poly nor will he find another like this girl, who knows what she is capable of doing once the fire that burns in the fiber of her soul is fully lit and shining.
However, that problem may exist for this girl with Master's vanilla world,
so what was stated above shall be remembered and kept close to the heart.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to Slutsub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 4:26:05 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slutsub

SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????


In the book on poly relationships, The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, talk about two kinds of jealousy: rational and irrational.

Irrational jealousy is based on "I'm gonna lose him/her" and is best dealt with by considering the reality of the situation. (You could lose him/her anyway even if no poly was involved but he/she has CHOSEN you and you ARE together)

Rational jealousy is like recognizing there are only 24 hours in a day and time spent with others is not spent with you. This calls for calm and rational discussion with your partner.

I've shorted it up a lot, but I think you get the idea.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Slutsub)
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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 5:14:58 AM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		Jealousy is a normal emotion. Everyone feels it at some point in their life. You just have to learn to what is making you jealous and find a way to accept it.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to Slutsub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 6:06:47 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think that jealousy is an emotion that I have ever experienced. I believe it is a wasteful emotion that is born of insecurity as others have expressed. If you are secure in yourself and your position, it simply can not manifest itself. While reassurance from a partner is certainly nice, the ultimate responsibility for dealing with your own insecurities resides with you. Some honest soul searching may be in order.

edited to add that aside from money issues, I believe that jealousy is right at the top of the list of reasons that a relationship fails.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 10/13/2005 6:09:57 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Slutsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 6:23:25 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		i understand where you are coming from. I too used to be jealous if my late Master even looked at another sub/slave. Then i reliexed that he was a much mine as i was his and nothing is gonna change that. It also help when he said you are my baby and no one or nothing will ever change that.

littleone

(in reply to Slutsub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 6:28:24 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I don't think that jealousy is an emotion that I have ever experienced.


Erin . . congradulations, care to share the secrete?
I agree insecurity is an ingrediant, but somedays the glass is half full if you get my drift.
For me there are some areas of my life that I never second guess myself, then there are
others where I know I'm faulty and those areas are what create my insecuritys.
That soul searching is the answer, but putting the results into practice is much harder.
Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 6:53:10 AM   
kimmypuss


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline 		just to clarify - I was referring to the security of the relationship itself, not saying any one person in it is "too insecure"; just that one or both may not be feeling secure enough within it. yet.

:)





(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 7:12:39 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Erin . . congradulations, care to share the secrete?


Gosh Quivver...if I knew what it was I really would. I guess that maybe it is because I have just always been pretty sure of who I am and what my value is. I am confident of my abilities....but also just importantly, I am aware of my shortcomings. I don't kick myself for being human. I engage is postive self talk...and when negative thoughts creep in I quickly "give them the boot". I hear, women especially, all the time saying things like...I'm so fat...or I'm so stupid....or I'm so ugly. I believe that if you keep saying negative things about yourself....you are going to be those negative things. I don't have an overinflated opinion of myself....but I do love who I am and I am confident in my worth.

Also...when I hear jealous people talk it seems that what they are saying is that they are scared of losing their position. "I'm afraid he is going to like her more....or he is going to want her instead of me". Those may not be the words that come out of their mouth...most likely it is more like "I can't see what he sees in her, she's got a fat ass...or she's ugly...or she's stupid". In reality they are trying to convince themselves that their own ass is not fat...they are prettier...or smarter, because if they can convince themselves of those things their position is then somehow "safe". I don't really worry about things like that. If someone I am with chooses someone else over me....regardless of the reason....I don't take that personally. It means we were not the perfect match and that my journey continues. If someone I am with chooses someone over something as shallow as the size of their ass....then why would I want to be with them anyway?

I guess that the most important thing I can say is that....just be comfortable in your own skin...be confident in who you are....and know your value.... and forgive yourself for your imperfections.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 10/13/2005 7:15:28 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 7:17:25 AM   
candigirlll


Posts: 32
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		The one thing we have to remember is... that just because someone we love... loves someone else... does mean... they love us less...we are all able to love more than one person...i can remember once before my Master Mike passed someone asked me... how i delt with a poly relationship.... i sat and thought my god how do you not???? i mean i have three other sisters who live with me who love me... and help clean cook take care of Master.. and i am kinda lazy who the hell wants to do it all by their selves lmao... plus... there was some thing my sisters could do better than our Master *wink*

makayla

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 8:06:50 AM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

..... I believe it is a wasteful emotion that is born of insecurity as others have expressed. If you are secure in yourself and your position, it simply can not manifest itself...... the ultimate responsibility for dealing with your own insecurities resides with you. Some honest soul searching may be in order.




Indeed, born out of insecurity and permit me to add to your excellent post,

Many people mistake attachment for love; loving someone is glorifying who they are in their uniqueness. . Love creates a condition in which you want to see the other thrive, enjoy, and grow. You want to see them become more of who they are, nor matter what that entails. That's the truth of love. It is unconditional. Anyone who has a child understands this. Unconditional!
Attachment is quite different. You want to make him or her be what you want them to be, conform to what is convenient for you.
Attachment is not care for the other; it's care for oneself. To understand feelings of jealousy the distinction has to be understood: Are you loving, or are you attached? If you are attached, you are going to experience the pain of jealousy.

Sartoris

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 8:14:14 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

To understand feelings of jealousy the distinction has to be understood: Are you loving, or are you attached? If you are attached, you are going to experience the pain of jealousy.


Excellent...and thank you. You are very correct and if you love someone vs. being attached to someone....and someone else comes along that can provide the person you love with something you can't...or does something that is pleasing to them....you would want for them to have that experience. It would not be threatening to who you are or your position.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Sartoris32801)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 8:28:46 AM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		My slave knows my views on jealousy, and she admots to feeling it times but I am working on it and she is getting better at handling it. Patence and reassurance is the key.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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