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Opinions please - 4/25/2008 11:37:08 AM   
tecara


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline 		i am feeling very hurt and confused right now and really need to see if i'm wrong about a situation that recently happened and/or get advice from others out there.

My real life best friend of 10 years started talking to this out of the country trainer on line about 2 wks ago. Laster Saturday he offered her a training collar with a month per month renewel on it. Within 48 hours her name was changed, she was refered to as being his slave and worse she was no longer talking to me and i had no idea why. My husband/owner she talked to on the phone and admitted that she was not allowed contact because of something she had done (this was the first story) and that she wasn't even suppost to be talking to him even. For 2 days i bombarded her with IMs, emails, even text messages trying to figure out what was going on. My messages started out nice, went to concern, went to panic, then got insulting, then down right indignant (ok i'm not proud of that). i got in touch with her former dominant, he called her and then i finally heard from her. She had also spoken again to my husband and apparently crying and upset did not understand why i couldn't understand.

This is what she finally said to me " never at any time did i think of separating myself from your friendship. i am hurt and confused by the lack of understanding that in a D/s M/s relationship, i am subject to my Master first and foremost. be it LTR, temp, training, mentor or whatever. even though i was incorrect in my instructions, i sincerely thought i was doing the right thing. it's all about obedience after all. "..."the words of love, devotion and friendship were shallow and meanth nothing"...
tecara: you scared the hell outta me to listen to some ass online
her: i did not
her: no, you scared the hell out of yourself
her: there are no warning signs. not one. and if you were thinking instead of reacting, you would see that as well

tecara: so basically you want me out of it???

She has never answered nor had any further contact. I'm scared and confused and i miss my best friend. Am i wrong to think that our real life friendship should hold more importance then a M/s online training one??? Or am i over reacting and need to just let it go?? She told her former dom that she figured she would do this "training" and her and i would be fine afterwards. As if i should just say oh that's ok i understand that for a month you had no time for me. On average we email 25 times a day everyday, we chat on yahoo every night. From that to nothing.


_____________________________

religion is for those who fear hell... spirituality are for those who have been there.
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:01:03 PM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline 		Now I know, there are plenty of people here who hate the idea that there are 'rules', let alone 'experts', regarding WIITWD.  However, every book I've ever read, every author I've ever heard speak, and everyO/one I've known in the lifestyle (including a former mentor, numerous Doms, Dommes, submissives, slaves, Tops, bottoms, swingers, players, Pros, etc.) agrees that the one thing that always separates BDSM from abuse, is that abuse starts with abusers separating their partners from friends, family, co-workers, church activities, acquaintances, etc.
 
Now, being that your friend is involved in an on-line relationship, she may be less at risk than someone who is invovled with a real-life, face to face Person, but nonetheless--
 
--I think you have very valid reasons to be concerned.
 
Best wishes.

(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:11:48 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I believe that your friend is an adult who made an adult decision and apparently it is YOU she is not talking to as her OLD Master, YOUR MASTER and anyone else can get a hold of her.

You may want to drop it and count yourself one friend less.

She does have a point. Real Life of Not her dedication is to her Master first.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Floggings4You)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:20:03 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Am i wrong to think that our real life friendship should hold more importance then a M/s online training one?


It's her life, her decision regarding what is more important.  She probably likes having the attention of an on-line master, he must be fulfilling something she needs if she is willing to avoid real-time friendships.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to tecara)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:21:49 PM   
tecara


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline 		Just for a point of clerification. It came out afterwards while crying to my husband that in fact it was me that she wasn't allowed to contact. That stems back to a comment i made to him regarding my relationship. When all this started coming out she claims that she had misunderstood him and that in fact he just wanted a chance to talk to her before she talked to me. and yet she still has not spoken any further.The fact that she didn't ask for clerification when she thought he told her that she couldn't have contact also scares me. If this is a training, isn't part of training the ability to question and to learn?? Wouldn't you question not being allowed to talk to your friend of so many years?

_____________________________

religion is for those who fear hell... spirituality are for those who have been there.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:27:26 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Friends forgive, try to understand, and accept each other.

It stands to reason that best friends do even more so.

Be her friend. Give her the freedom to do what she's doing, forgive her for hurting your feelings, and accept her current choice. Honestly, you sound like a jilted lover.

(in reply to tecara)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:27:37 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		This is the way I see it. You and she had been friends in real time for ten years. All of a sudden and at the whim of someone she knows only from online and has not met in person she decided to cut off all contact with you.

How important could your friendship have been to her for her to have cut all contact off with you so easily?

I'd probably be upset if I were you, too. But the bottom line here is that you've been given an opportunity to find out what your friendship really meant to her. Is this really the kind of person you want in your close inner circle?

(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:37:14 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		You used to be beyond glued at the hip.

Others have been able to reach her, just not you.

She's started a recent online relationship and is using it as an excuse for the above sentence.

It could be anything from sub-frenzy to drama-queening (on both your parts, from your post), to her using "him" as an excuse to get some space and separation in your two's contact or other.

In any case, from what you describe, I'd not take any of it too seriously.

Two days and you proceeded to "bombard her" with emails that ranged from concerned to insulting?  I'd seriously consider that last possibility mentioned.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:40:21 PM   
RuheMaus


Posts: 142
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Thee are so many red flags I see with this, its not even funny.  My advice is to get your friend AWAY from this guy before she gets hurt.  But this is just my opinion, so take it as you will.

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"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing."
R. K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 07-03-05

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:43:51 PM   
tecara


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline 		The only reason i bombarded her with the IM's was because of her being told not to have contact with me. I was trying to snap her out of it, for her to realize that is one of the biggest red flags out there. She was the woman who would be fast to point out to others red flags and it was scary that she didn't see this as one. or other things that had gone on. (its such a long story many details get lost) that weren't right and fast to defend real life. It's so weird. but i appreciate all the input so far.

_____________________________

religion is for those who fear hell... spirituality are for those who have been there.

(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:48:31 PM   
texasdoll


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline 		I havent had a lot of experience in this sort of thing, but no matter what the lifestyle one cannot abandon a friend..and if your friend truly feels this way..that its ok to abandon friends and family..for one Man...it smells very much like a potential abuse situation to me

(in reply to Floggings4You)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:55:01 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		tecara what I think we are trying to do is get you to see your part in this.

You may just have to walk away from a friend and move on. Hurts I know. But Questioning the Situations won't help. And no Training isn't always a time to ask questions it is a time to learn how to do as is expected of you. For some anyway.

Try to not get defensive and just let her come to you. If you were real friends then she will come back to you and want that friendship if you weren't then knowing now is a blessing.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 12:59:11 PM   
impossiblesub


Posts: 150
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline 		That is just the way people are, I would think you would know this at your age. Longterm sexual relationships always are more important to people than friendships when it comes down to it.

(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:00:31 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Could it possibly be that the real problem here is that your 25 e-mails a day plus IMs is a habit that you're going to have to unlearn so that she can have a life apart from you while still keeping you IN her life?

I have no idea, but if, in those e-mails you disparaged in any way, shape or form, the person she is committing to (right or wrong on her part), then sadly, I'd take a good look in the mirror as to why she's not allowed to contact you, and why she's agreeing to do this.

I have friends - GOOD friends. And every single one of them know that if they say disparaging things about my Master "because they care about me," they will be putting our friendship in jeopardy. This includes my friend who I once played tonka trucks with when we were 4, threw mudpies at when we were six, fell in love with when we were 15, fell out of love with later that same year, lost contact with but never forgot when he went into the army at 18, and met again on another bdsm personals site a few years ago. We have 44 years of friendship under our belt. His sister is my brother's good friend. We have family and neighborhood ties and he knows darn well that our friendship has stood the test of time, but will not stand the test of badmouthing the man I love, serve and honor.

juliet


(in reply to RumpusParable)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:11:28 PM   
tecara


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline 		First it had been only 48 hour sense her "collaring" so not it wasn't a long term relationship.

Second. the emails a day are as much from her as from me, usually by the time i got to work the first "good morning" one was waiting for me. Our conversations were about our kids, our jobs, and all our common interest, which after 10 yrs was lot.

Three the only sex involved is cyber and again 48 hours worth.

and my opinion, and only my opinion on why she was told not to contact me was because i am a strong SUBMISSIVE and not a slave and as such i ask quesition (in respectful ways), i have fun (in a respectful way), and every sentense doesn't end in yes Sir , but is always respectful.

< Message edited by tecara -- 4/25/2008 1:12:16 PM >

_____________________________

religion is for those who fear hell... spirituality are for those who have been there.

(in reply to julietsierra)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:21:36 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		she has made her choice.  either things will straighten out in time or they won't.  i'd sit back and just see how things go.  my best friend is involved with her new Domme, i rarely hear from her anymore, but i know how strong our friendship is and when things are a little more back to normal she'll find time to chat like we used to.  not a big deal to me, she knows where to find me if she needs me.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:23:49 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Okay, I tried to resist, I truly did.  What is an out-of-country, on-line Dom training her for exactly? 

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to tecara)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:26:24 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

What is an out-of-country, on-line Dom training her for exactly? 


How to ignore an obsessive amount of im's and emails coming her way?


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:27:07 PM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		Another fine example of the dramas involved with many online relationships.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to tecara)
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RE: Opinions please - 4/25/2008 1:30:46 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Why are you so needy?

She's a big girl-she can make her own decisions.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to tecara)
Profile   Post #: 20
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