Looking for advice from other Doms

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Looking for advice from other Doms

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Looking for advice from other Doms

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 2:26:50 PM

Socrate5

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

I am a developing Dom who is new to this site. I am happy that I was directed to this community because I was not successful at finding BDSM interested individuals in my everyday life. As with anything, I am interested in growing in knowledge to enhance my experience. I know some of the questions I pose are not new, so if anyone could direct to previous threads, or online resources, I would greatly appreciate it because I have not had much luck with the message-board-search-function.

Areas of interest:
How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)
Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)
Differences between a Dom and Master
Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)
Suggestions?

It is common sense that respect is important and central to any type of communication. I look forward everyone’s help.

Warm Regards,
TJ

Post #: 1

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 2:41:50 PM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Get involved with your local bdsm community I am sure there is one within 50 miles of your location.
Go to a munch or two ask if there is a Dom group you can get involved with.

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 2

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 3:39:06 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Socrate5, you talk to a sub the same way you talk to any woman. As with any relationship, there are no certain times for anything.

Make sure you are clear about your lack of experience, simply out of respect. Some subs are happy to help train you (and sometimes far more willing to train you than their Dominant counterparts, especially if it is a sub who finds you physically, mentally, or emotionally attractive).

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 3

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 3:59:11 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

At the top corner of your screen, there is a search function. Trust Me. If you read all of the threads relating to your questions, you'll be busy for days.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 4

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 4:07:03 PM

Exquemelin

Posts: 113
Joined: 2/2/2007
From: CT
Status: offline

Ok I'll take these one at a time.

quote:

Areas of interest:
How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)

Not sure why you would talk to a sub any differently then you would talk to anyone else. I suppose if it's a sub you're interested in you could talk to her like you would anyone else you were interested in starting a romantic relationship with. As for me, I tried to be funny, I always read their profile, I tried to be polite and I tried to show interest. At least in the first email. Generally I tried to keep the tone simmiliar in tone in further contact.

quote:

Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)

Exactly in that order, although my sub and I both prefer IM to phone so we tend to use that much more than phone. Mostly we use phone when we're traveling(we live a bit of a trip away from eachother, not super far but far enough that it takes a bit of a drive).

quote:

Differences between a Dom and Master

You'll get alot of answers on this one. Depends on exactly the definition you're using. A Master might be one who owns a slave. A Master might be someone respected by the community. A dom is basically one who is dominant(not dominate lots of people hate that error). The only person who calls me Master is my sub. We consider our relationship more of the dom/sub variety than the Master/Slave variety however we still refer to eachother as Master and Slave when we're together.

quote:

Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)
Suggestions?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this. How long between starting your search and finding your sub? Took me about a year and half of searching and learning before I found my sub. Well before we started talking. We talked about 2 months before meeting and went on several vanilla dates before we even started talking about entering a BDSM relationship. Before meeting my sub I talked to two subs seriously but I didn't meet either. Both as soon as I brought up meeting in person they began to draw away. I sent out lots of emails, probably sent some subs more than one email. Men are outnumbered pretty substantially online.

Also I suggest doing some research into BDSM reading, local munches, perhaps local conventions. Making yourself known locally and potentially learning some of the skills used in BDSM can make you a more attractive partner to many subs.

Goodluck in your search,

Ex

< Message edited by Exquemelin -- 4/26/2008 4:08:17 PM >

_____________________________

testing
The Hammer is my penis.

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 5

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 4:48:00 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5

I am a developing Dom who is new to this site. I am happy that I was directed to this community because I was not successful at finding BDSM interested individuals in my everyday life. As with anything, I am interested in growing in knowledge to enhance my experience. I know some of the questions I pose are not new, so if anyone could direct to previous threads, or online resources, I would greatly appreciate it because I have not had much luck with the message-board-search-function.

Areas of interest:
How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)

As others have said, you talk to a submissive much like you would anyone. Don't begin by calling them "subhuman chattel", "whore", or "future drinker of my semen". Tell them what you're looking for, and why you might think they fit that.

quote:

Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)

No meeting in dark alleys a week after contact. Talk to them a few days, couple of weeks, and if thing are still moving along, suggest a phone call. That goes okay, work towards a public meeting that ensures both yours and her's safety.

quote:

Differences between a Dom and Master

With every passing day, my wish for labels to become toilet paper grows stronger.... most would say that a dominant partners with a submissive, and a master with a slave. I don't believe in slavery, so that leaves the dominant.

quote:

Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)

Very, very subjective. But if you speak to someone on a regular basis for a few weeks, you should have a pretty damn good idea of how you feel about one another, at least whether or not you both want more. If it takes longer, fine. If it happens rapidly, great.

quote:

Suggestions?

Figure out who you are, and what you want. Find someone that fits. Behave honorably. Fuck like there ain't no tomorrow. Don't run red lights. Listen to music every day. Floss. Laugh. Never milk a bull. Rama lama ding dong.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 6

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 5:03:36 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Part of the fun of D/s is figuring all this out - remember that most subs actually are volunteers...

I am not sure what makes you think you're going to learn to drive a car in traffic by studying the manual, though. To which I would add that if you say you want to learn from other doms, you have to be one yourself. But that would mean you have a natural inclination, and that would mean you don't have to ask. If you don't know how to make initial contact with a grrrl, you need more than a bit of .txt.

Anything else I can help you with? Bring you coffee? Introduce you to my two nieces from Amsterdam? Google lessons?

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 7

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 5:06:32 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Well, different people mature, or develop, at different rates. And I don't see anything wrong with asking for help, necessarily.

More importantly, what do your nieces look like?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 8

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 5:07:10 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5
Differences between a Dom and Master

A Dominant is the person who takes the superior position in a D/s relationship (negotiated control). Dominants can be either sex: Doms or Dommes.

A Master is a man having control or authority and ownership of a person that obeys him in a TPE .

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 9

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 5:23:49 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)

Just like everyone else until there is some kind of commitment or negotiation between the two of you. Simply making a profile on the Internet and taking on the label of "submissive" or "dominant" means absolutely jack shit. There is no greater degree of respect or courtesy that is awarded to you.

quote:

Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)

Just like any other kind of dating. A word of advice though...take the time to get to know her before you start listing your expectations of her as your submissive/slave. Give her time to get comfortable with you and learn what kind of person you are before listing off how she is going to make you coffee and suck your cock every morning at 5am. Your looking (hopefully) looking for a partner and not a new chew toy.

quote:

Differences between a Dom and Master

About 3 letters and in a lot of cases, the size of the ego. Despite how some people really really want there to be, nihilism prevails and there is no universally accepted definitions for these labels.

Edited : Don't get dishearted or confused. The world is a big, confusing place that is rarely ever black and white. Everyone's different definitions simply provide insight and understanding into forming your own.

quote:

Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)

Realistic ones set forth by your hopefully God-given common sense. It's all you unique to the person and whatever prevailing issues they have. Some boundaries might be easier to cross for others and if someone is not ready for something with you, be respectful and put it on the back-burner for a bit while you deal with whatever inhibition they have about the activity.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/26/2008 5:26:06 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 10

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 9:12:15 PM

Socrate5

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

I appreciate the wonderful feedback everyone. I realize that my post was ambiguous and odd after re reading it a few hours later, but rest assure I am just an analytical person looking for more information. I am here because I have the natural inclinations, my mistake for not making this explicit?

I am questioning the terminology not because I am a fool who thinks that people simply fit to prescribed roles, but more of how important and defined terminology is in the lifestyle. If someone asks what I am or looking for, I want to be sure I am using the right terminology.

I understand respect is key and sub, dom, whatever, we are all dignified individuals and I treat people accordingly. Communication has never been an issue in my life, (one of the reasons why I have a successful career), but again, I am inquiring if there is certain expectations in the lifestyle.

Overall, I understand how subjective in nature relationships of any kind are, I can appreciate that. However, my inquiry is more to see if there are universals or consistent themes in the lifestyle that I should know.

To those who used this as an opportunity to make me feel inferior, common! It would be like me challenging you to a sword fight in my dojo, and taking advantage of your lack of training and inexperience.

That being said, for those who provided wonderful feedback, thank you. I am glad this community exists instead of trying to find random information from an array of sources. I don not have too much of an ego, and surely would be open to what a sub can teach me.

< Message edited by Socrate5 -- 4/26/2008 9:17:34 PM >

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 11

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/26/2008 10:39:47 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5
I am questioning the terminology not because I am a fool who thinks that people simply fit to prescribed roles, but more of how important and defined terminology is in the lifestyle. If someone asks what I am or looking for, I want to be sure I am using the right terminology.

Nope. People constantly use different words interchangably and the idea that there is any standardized definitions to any of the labels is a bit of a myth. You constantly have to ask people what their label is and what that label means to them.

If we are talking about definitions in the public scene, I would say that most people I have met publicly refer to dominant as a natural orientations for a relationship and the terms Master to either refer to a title of someone in an interpersonal relationship, a title awarded by a community, or a title for someone who has mastered a specific toy (Jim, Master of Whips). The term "Top" would be someone who is in control of a "scene".

quote:

I understand respect is key and sub, dom, whatever, we are all dignified individuals and I treat people accordingly. Communication has never been an issue in my life, (one of the reasons why I have a successful career), but again, I am inquiring if there is certain expectations in the lifestyle.

Expectactions for when a dominant and submissive interact for the first time? Nope, none at all except for social norms

(Though, I am sure as you begin to interact with potential partners via profiles, you might find "unrealistic fantasy expectations" to be somewhat of a norm with the online community)

quote:

Overall, I understand how subjective in nature relationships of any kind are, I can appreciate that. However, my inquiry is more to see if there are universals or consistent themes in the lifestyle that I should know.

As far as time frame of the progression of relationships? Nope, nothing. Everyone has a different theory as to how things should progress in a D/S relationship, but it's whatever works for you.

The only theme I can think of is the stress on consent, but I tend to think that falls mostly in the common sense category (though post after post after post is starting to lead me to think it's not that common)

quote:

To those who used this as an opportunity to make me feel inferior, common! It would be like me challenging you to a sword fight in my dojo, and taking advantage of your lack of training and inexperience.

If this is directed towards me, I fail to see how you are drawing the conclusion that I am attempting to make you feel inferior. I am sorry if you are a bit insecure with being new, but you did ask questions that have very "well duh" answers and I was tactful as possible.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/26/2008 10:42:31 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 12

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/27/2008 12:10:25 AM

Socrate5

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for the follow up Madrabbit. My post was not aimed at you at all. I realize it said that it was a response to you, but I was replying to the thread in general.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 13

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/28/2008 5:00:58 PM

cigarmasteruk

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/18/2008
Status: offline

i enjoyed the explanations given here as a relatively new dom / master / man on this site

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 14

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/28/2008 6:38:58 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5
I was not successful at finding BDSM interested individuals in my everyday life.

I'm not sure why that line struck me as amazingly funny, but it did.

And pssst... try aisle 5. Right next to the Count Chocula. That's where all the kinky people hang out.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 15

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/29/2008 1:17:00 AM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Figure out who you are, and what you want. Find someone that fits. Behave honorably. Fuck like there ain't no tomorrow. Don't run red lights. Listen to music every day. Floss. Laugh. Never milk a bull. Rama lama ding dong.

Possibly the soundest of advice ever given on these boards. You are brilliant!

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 16

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/29/2008 1:26:13 AM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

The only other advice I have that is not repeating something EVERY one else said... LISTEN! to what the people you are talking to say. Not just the words but what they mean. People have a way of never really getting around to saying what they mean by saying very little at all while rambling incesantly.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to HerLord)

Post #: 17

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 4/29/2008 3:41:25 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5

Areas of interest:
How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)
Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)
Differences between a Dom and Master
Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)
Suggestions?

Firstly remember that until the girl is in submission to You she owes You NOTHING.... likewise You owe her nothing. So how you talk with a girl is politely... so long as it is going both ways... if it isn't then just move on. You can make Your preferences known but You are not in a position to make demands... "you must do X or you are not a sub" is pretentious bollox.... "If We are to continue looking at potential here then I will expect you to do X" is fine, it isn't a demand, they can simply walk away rather than doing X.

they are inundated with one line wonders and TXT SPK crettins... those go down almost as badly as the 'kneel bitch' brigade approach.

Give them something to respond to and when asked a question try and give a decent, HONEST, answer... early stages are looking to see it there is compatability to look further... but there is no point bullshitting and creating a false impression else it will explode in your face further down the road when they find you are not as you seemed. If there is ANY chance of compatability then You need to be Yourself as inconsistant aproaches and finding out You are not being honest with them will cut the legs from any trust being built and then You have NOTHING. (That works the other way around though, watch for bullshit from them too!)

The difference between Dom and Master IS something you can search... lets not turn this thread into yet another of those!

Timeframe...I tend to move fast. If things are going to happen then I expect to be able to see things at least starting to move in the right direction reasonably quickly. If they are in the same city but not willing to at least meet somewhere public for coffee and a chat within a week or two... Then I am likely to get too much of the feel that I am simply being strung along... it won't go much further. If they are not in the same city then how long depends on circumstances.

But in any case, one 'rule' I have found of use... "Until We meet, no promises... given nor expected"... if the chemistry isn't there then people are simply wasting their time and that is best looked for face to face. I can get more from five minutes over coffee about the likelyhood of it working than over weeks of exchanged mails.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 18

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 5/3/2008 7:21:50 PM

BikerDomRealTime

Posts: 86
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5

I am a developing Dom who is new to this site. I am happy that I was directed to this community because I was not successful at finding BDSM interested individuals in my everyday life. As with anything, I am interested in growing in knowledge to enhance my experience. I know some of the questions I pose are not new, so if anyone could direct to previous threads, or online resources, I would greatly appreciate it because I have not had much luck with the message-board-search-function.

Areas of interest:
How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)
Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)
Differences between a Dom and Master
Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)
Suggestions?

It is common sense that respect is important and central to any type of communication. I look forward everyone’s help.

Warm Regards,
TJ

Hello Socrate5,

How to talk to a sub - talk to her/him like you would anyone else and give them the same respect that you would give anyone that was not a sub. Be honest with her/him, don't say that you have experiences where you don't or that you have been in the 'lifetsyle' for more than you truly. This may cause you to lose some subs/slaves as they prefer Doms with lots of experience. Know your limitations and be honest about what you have experienced and what you have not. Don't think or talk like you are better than them, you are not. Don't think or talk like you are infallable, because you are not.

I think the appropriate dialog method varies and is not cast in stone. I believe a lot depends on whether the two of you are relatively close to each other or more distant. It seems for me that I am in the e-mail, messaging mode for a couple of weeks before acutally talking on the phone.

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 19

RE: Looking for advice from other Doms - 5/3/2008 7:39:18 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Socrate5

How to talk to a sub (especially involving initial contact)

First and foremost remember you are talking to a person, not their chosen title. Be respectful and be polite, tell them about yourself and what you are looking for, and make sure you have actually made the effort to see if there is anything in their profiles that give you an idea if you are compatible before initial contact. IF someone isnt looking, a first contact teling her what a perfect match you'd be is going to bomb no matter how good your material is.
Also remember that you have to make it clear what you are looking for more or less from the get go. If you are not looking for something romantic or even sexual, flirting might not be your best course of action. If you are a sadist, you wil want to make sure they know that... dont leave anything important out just to make sure they stick around. They will find out eventually, after all.

quote:

Appropriate dialogue development (email, chatting, phone calls, RL meeting)

That goes by your comfort levels. With some I have talked to, it has taken days or weeks to get a phone number. Some are far more comfortable going to IMs and not to the phone for a while. And then there are some who have gone from email to IM, to phone to real life in less than a week. It all depends on the individual and how things flow. AS long as you stay safe (ie meeting in public not private) just let things happen.

quote:

Differences between a Dom and Master

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
A Dominant is the person who takes the superior position in a D/s relationship (negotiated control). Dominants can be either sex: Doms or Dommes.

A Master is a man (or woman, before we get into that fight... MasterFireMaam will attest to that) having control or authority and ownership of a person that obeys him in a TPE .

Thats the most common interpretation though, just like the ongoing fight about slave/sub and all that, you'll find the definition varies depending on who you ask. Some use Master simply to mean they are dominant, some use it to denote they WANT a full time relationship, some like the title and think it sounds nifty, and others detest it ad even if they fit the definition will not allow it to be used to address them.

quote:

Time frame expectations ( I know this is very subjective, but I appreciate the advice of the experienced)
Suggestions?

Once again, same as communication, go with the flow. Decide ahead of time if you want to avoid LONG conversations before the potential of meeting. Think about locations for that, since the farther away someone is, the less likely a meeting will be on a short schedule. It took Angel and I 2 months to meet, it took Fox and I a day and a half. The main difference, distance. Make the time frame, once you and a new prospect start chatting. Figure out realsticaly when things can hapen, and make sure she knows what you have in mind. Allow for flexibility but if you wnat to meet face to face within say 2 months and at the end of 2 months she starts making excuses, you know something is up.

Hope that helped. There is little in the way of REAL answers you can get, but I figure you knew that. Some of us are still figuringthings out, after all our years here. Every time I meet someone, especially when I was looking, but still now that I am not, is an adventure.

DV

AND on a completely unrelated aside, I'd take you up on that sword-fight challenge anytime. I might be a tad harder to take advantage of, I am a weapons student in my own martial arts, with several years under her belt *smirk*

< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 5/3/2008 7:40:09 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Socrate5)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Looking for advice from other Doms

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.171