When to disclose.... (Full Version)

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SweetNika -> When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 6:29:00 PM)


I have found myself single once more and am trying to figure out when I am getting to know a dominant when I should disclose health information regarding myself.
 
In disclosing this information I am forced to face my fears but also I am forced to face the possibility that someone may simply not understand my illness. I don’t want someone to see me as my diagnosis, yet I don’t want them to feel as if I am hiding it from them either.
 
If you suffer from an illness when would or have you told a dominant?
If you are a dominant when would you want to be told?
 
Thank you for the imput.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika



PsyVamp -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 6:38:21 PM)

I would like to be told before any commitments are made. 
If the illness is not one I'm familiar with, some information along with the disclosure would be prudent.

I knew most of the problems my pet had at the time and took him on anyway...now that I've made sure he's got health insurance, it will be a non issue but I realize that other health concerns are ongoing.

If it is something the Dominant cannot deal with, better you should know before getting too attached.

Good luck!


Lady Jag




Willowmoon -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 6:44:57 PM)

I have told all my previous partners fairly early on usualy before we even get to the stage where we are playing sometimes even before the first meeting as  i fiqure that if they then dont want to play with me or get to know me because of it then I haven't wasted my time.



Level -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 6:55:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika


If you suffer from an illness when would or have you told a dominant?
If you are a dominant when would you want to be told?
 
Thank you for the imput.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika


Very early on, it's only fair, and I disclose the same. If someone truly wants you, then they'll take you in your entirety.



midgetmafiosa -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 7:11:14 PM)

Extremely early. I could no more hide my illnesses than I could hide a child (if I had one.)



SteelofUtah -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 7:12:04 PM)

I think people should get it all out in the open right up front

Maybe not on the FIRST DATE

but maybe in the first 3 or 4 conversations maybe say "Hey I think you need to know if we are going to take this any further that I am _________ and this could mean ____________ or possibly ___________ If that freaks you out I understand I just want to give you the chance to leave now if you are going to before emotions get involved."

I was with a girl for 8 months with Terminal Cancer because she laid it out like this. It was different and it was hard but looking back after the tears and hurt it was worth it.

Steel




SNoB -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 7:18:26 PM)

Depends on how much your condition could possible affect your partner.



MaamJay -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 7:31:21 PM)

As a Dominant I disclose My health issues, although none of them are immediately life-threatening, very early on. Even a "casual" play sub should know about them so they don't inadvertently do something that may trigger a problem (eg arrive smelling of smoke that could trigger My asthma) and also so they can make an informed decision about playing with Me. How much more important for a potential 24/7 sub to know about My health. I also ask medical questions early on, not so much to weed out, but so I know what I am dealing with and to guide My thinking about what is and isn't safe to do. And I expect honesty! By "very early on" I mean in the first say 4 conversations, it has been covered.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



LadyHibiscus -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 7:47:37 PM)

Does your illness affect your play?  Are you likely to go into say, a diabetic coma at an unexpected time? (really,  I have a friend this happens to, not in the scene).  Where are your nitroglycerin pills?

I always do a health check with any potential play partner.  If I am going to get into a deeper relationship with someone, I want to know if they have any kind of health issue, even if it's hayfever or high blood pressure.  As a  clinically depressed person toked to the gills on meds, I tend to drop that bombshell pretty early.  It's only fair.  Some of us are used to dealing with illness, others are not, and if your potential is in the NOT category, best to find out early.



Evility -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 8:13:36 PM)

The phrase "health information" is a bit vague so it's hard to answer specifically but generally speaking I think sooner is a better than later in these types of matters. I'd like to know pretty early on and I would tell something like this early on if I had something to tell. It's hard to jump over these hurdles but it is something that just has to be done.

Again, it's a bit of a judgment call not knowing more specifics but you must remember that the longer you wait the greater the possibility there is of the waiting itself becoming an issue even if the information wasn't that big of a deal. That's not the way that you want to begin any kind of relationship.



Maya2001 -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 8:38:21 PM)

I disclosed anything I think that  maybe revelant to a relationship earliy on before a meet, I don't want to be wasting their time or mine if it something they can't handle or want to deal with and I am not referring solely to health issues either



adoracat -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 8:44:22 PM)

i have several health concerns.  in talking with prospective dominants, i always made sure to bring those things up within 3-4 conversations.  why?  its his issue also, to decide if he really wants to deal with someone who cannot kneel for more than a couple of minutes, therefore is unable to maintain some sexual positions.

dealing with out-of-control nerve spasms is unpleasant, as is knowing that there are some places that are nerve-damaged enough that being touched there some days will make me cry.  i have difficulty swallowing...to the point that i can literally choke on a sip of water.  i have difficulty walking at times.

if someone is considering me as their submissive?  definitely its their business.  if something should go wrong with me, they're stuck dealing with it.  i'd rather scare someone off than deal with anger and "you never told me!"  its my responsibility as a good s-type to reveal things in a timely manner.

kitten



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:05:27 PM)

Not the first conversation.  I had someone disclose that early, and while it was meant in good faith it prevented me from getting to know *him.*

MSS



IronBear -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:19:09 PM)

Well I'm often accused of being both up frontg and in your face about important matters (in a pleasant and non agrfessive manner - I hope). Once we have got used to reach other and all the mundane things have been discussed like the climate, politics, family and mutual friends,m I'll start the ball rolling so that the lass I'm talking to may be encouraged to open up too.. By then they know I'm a Professional Counsellor and Psych Therapist and that few things faze me oif the important things are there like the person being suitable for me etc. I'll let her know my Pagan life just incase that might be a stumbling block as it has quite a few times. then I'll disclose my disabilities and invite her to ask any questions or comment if she wishes to. 9/10 times she will follow suit and we can swap "war stories" about our disabilitoies, what we can and can't do. personally I have no problems with this and most groups I'm a member of either there is a discussion about disabilities or I'll start one to try to get others comfy talking with empathetic people and what ever.. .. So in reply to the OP as soon as it seems practicible and as early as possible. better get a knock back sooner than heart break later.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)




Poetryinpain -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:23:16 PM)

Well, one of my issues is easily seen just by looking at some of my pics. Others are not immediately discerned, but I do reveal or disclose them fairly early. They do affect play (the need to check for circulation cut-off, the fact that I can't get into certain positions, etc.). If a Dom can't deal with them, then he's not the right one for me, and it's best for both of us to get that out of the way early on.

pip, sheesh! I gotta disclose to the Dom and disclose to the employer when I go on job interviews



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:34:34 PM)

Iron Bear,

Thank you for your post.  Seredipitously, I read your profile about 24 hours before reading this thread and your narrative is a great example of disclosing right away that really works -- me, contradicting myself, what a shock.  I came away thinking that you were gutsy and bold for disclosing, rather than seeing you as your limitations.

I think, in part, that it's because I have known you on the boards.  More importantly, you presented your limitations in the context of yourself as a whole, vibrant human being.  You seem to have a comfort level with what you've disclosed, allowing the other person to feel comfortable as well, and allowing their curiosity.  It was pretty great!  So I would say the way a person discloses is as important as when.

MSS



faerytattoodgirl -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:42:43 PM)

i state my freakiness and health issues right off the bat.  it saves me from physical retaliation of the person i tell... (yes its happened)





MzMia -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:47:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

Not the first conversation.  I had someone disclose that early, and while it was meant in good faith it prevented me from getting to know *him.*

MSS


I don't believe in total disclosure based on 2 or 3 conversations.
People have to earn my trust, I don't just give it away.
No one is perfect, and we all carry baggage.

Whether it be a physical disability, a mental disability, poor life choices, financial issues,
past relationships issues, family issues, job issues, the list goes on and on.
 
I open up little by little and begin to share pieces of myself.
I am glad I have this policy, because normally after a few emails people show their true colors,
and I am glad that I did not share "all" with strangers.
 
Everyone is different.
If some of you "feel the need" to tell "all" about your life to someone after 2 or 3 emails.
Go for it!
I don't! [:D]
As always, to each their own.



domiguy -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:52:01 PM)

Big things must be disclosed but not necessarily immediately....I just never want to learn something major about the woman that I am building things with from someone else.


Health problems should be addressed at some point....Many people are put off by someone who's health is impaired....I see it as a way out. For you see, I loathe long term commitments.



MzMia -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/26/2008 9:55:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Big things must be disclosed but not necessarily immediately....I just never want to learn something major about the woman that I am building things with from someone else.


Health problems should be addressed at some point....Many people are put off by someone who's health is impaired....I see it as a way out. For you see, I loathe long term commitments.


You are still healthy, fairly young, self-centered, egocentric and very shallow.

You will not always be this way.
You will age, things will happen to you.
When life kicks you in your ass enough, and you fall to your knees
screaming out my name, I will come and make you my bitch.
THEN!
 You will be mine.



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