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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 5:02:45 AM

Dnomyar

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Op you may be to dominate a personality for her to change. I don't think that you could handle a woman with a personality as strong as yours or stronger than you. I don't think that you would want the constant conflict.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 9:42:27 AM

LadyLynx

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personally, I don't find it offensive to be referred to a chick. (and have been known to refer to other women as "chicks")

As for the confidence, well like a couple people have said, it depends on where the lack is coming from. She has to acknowledge that it is an issue, she has to want to work on it, and lastly (not least.) she has to want to do it for herself.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 12:59:27 PM

MladyHathor

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

Ok, as a pervert, the one thing that attracts me to dominant chicks is the authrority and the confidence.

So, how do you build a womans confidence? Help? Please?

The first rule of Dominance, is it isn't about what YOU want, its about what She wants---have you even asked her if this would make her happy?

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 6:26:04 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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Just for clarification, are you objecting to him wanting his partner to have more confidence? I can't see that as a bad thing ...

MSS

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 7:20:49 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Francine: Dominant Chick.

Okay, I am laughing, so I think I will accept that as a SELF description!

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/28/2008 11:11:27 PM

HardToTame

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

Ok, as a pervert, the one thing that attracts me to dominant chicks is the authrority and the confidence.

So, how do you build a womans confidence? Help? Please?

The first rule of Dominance, is it isn't about what YOU want, its about what She wants---have you even asked her if this would make her happy?

This isn't about dominance. I doubt she'd even realise it if she did gain confidence in her everyday life. I told her last night. "The one thing I can't stand is woman who can't say no, and woman who take crap and things like that." I don't want her to dominate me. She's my girlfriend not my 'mistress'. All I want is for her to have more confidence so when it comes to things that are outside her comfort zone, rather than not facing them and missing out on what facing them can achieve, she tackles them head on and reeps the benefits. (And for the record I don't mean anything kinky or BDSM or Sexual.)

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 7:07:42 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

Ok, as a pervert, the one thing that attracts me to dominant chicks is the authrority and the confidence.

So, how do you build a womans confidence? Help? Please?

The first rule of Dominance, is it isn't about what YOU want, its about what She wants---have you even asked her if this would make her happy?

This isn't about dominance. I doubt she'd even realise it if she did gain confidence in her everyday life. I told her last night. "The one thing I can't stand is woman who can't say no, and woman who take crap and things like that." I don't want her to dominate me. She's my girlfriend not my 'mistress'. All I want is for her to have more confidence so when it comes to things that are outside her comfort zone, rather than not facing them and missing out on what facing them can achieve, she tackles them head on and reeps the benefits. (And for the record I don't mean anything kinky or BDSM or Sexual.)

It's a long process, she lacks confidence because she lacks self esteem... most likely. And being honest... comments like the one I highlighted don't help much. Apparently experience has taught her that failure is generally the outcome and she's lost her adverurous spirit. (if she ever had one?) Praise works great, each time she is bold, brave and adventurous, even if it ends in failure or disappointment, praise her effort. Let her know that it won't always be that way. Help her to take baby steps in that direction and celebrate every victory. Talk about how she could have done something differently, don't degrade her in the process, just listen to her ideas and offer kind critiques. It takes time, patience, persistance and a commitment to see it through.

Good luck.

Jewel

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 8:05:50 AM

Venatrix

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

....... .... I get the impression some people here aren't very social. So formal, and........... rediculous really.

Anyways, marrying her? I'm a male. She lacks in confidence I lack in commitment

Aakasha. See, its not a horny thing. Just, things like, saying no. Making decisions and so forth. I love her to bits as is, No mistress will EVER come close to her, (even though shes not one) and so it's got nothing to do with sex, I just thought I'd write that little bit in to some how relate it to this site, but, i just want her to be confident. feel good and secure about herself. She deserves it.

It's not so much that we're not social, we just don't tolerate a lot of crap. If you lack commitment, why should she change for someone like you? In addition, you state that you love her to bits as is. If that's the case, then accept her as is. If you're trying to change her into something she isn't, you obviously don't love her "as is." It sounds to me like you should be working on your own issues before you try working on someone else's.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 9:16:06 AM

ShaktiSama

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Ditto Venatrix. The OP comes across as a dick. Women who like themselves generally don't waste their time with guys who think, talk and behave this way.

Clue by four, OP: when a woman has any confidence or strength, guys who find the idea of marrying her "laughable" bounce off the curb so fast that their tailbones end up lodged in their throats. And yes, this is true whether she wants to get married herself or not--your attitude is just insulting and demeaning to her as a woman and a person in general.

Ditto with your attitude that she is some kind of "work-in-progress", subject to alteration for your pleasure and edification. You want your lady friend to have confidence in herself--try having a little faith, confidence and respect for her yourself.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 9:29:02 AM

MsLilac

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

Ok, as a pervert, the one thing that attracts me to dominant chicks is the authrority and the confidence.

So, how do you build a womans confidence? Help? Please?

Well, it’s probably all the other chicks and hens in the coup. I suggest making a separate coup for hens, separate coup for roosters, that way you get very little territorial behaviour in the farmyard, thus allowing this chick to raise to an alpha position in the farmyard. Here’s a great book for you http://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Book-Raising-Livestock-Poultry/dp/0330301586

But seriously, dude, you need to sort out your poultry fetish.

As for building the confidence in a “woman”, then allow her the freedom to be herself (whether that be meek and mild, pleasing, loud, vivacious or otherwise). Allowing her to seek someone more suited to her personality, instead of being in a relationship with constant reminders that she is ‘not quite’ what you want in a woman.... 'not quite' good enough, and trying to change her into something she is not, will allow her confidence to grow. If you genuinely care about her, let her find someone who will treasure her for who she is, and find someone without “commitment issues”.

What’s this poor woman got right now? A dude is isn’t quite happy with her personality, and can’t stand ’pleasers’, but at the same time is trying to change her into something that will please him. Then to top all that off, said dude doesn’t want to commit to her, despite wanting her to make drastic changes to her personality. What have you got to offer her exactly? Ok, I am being a tad harsh, seemingly at the bottom of it all, you have real affection for her, but think about, fundamentally what it is you are seeking in her. People are what they are.

All that aside, are you sure you really want a more assertive woman? A lot of dudes like the idea, but the reality of being with one is a different matter. It takes a strong and secure man to be with an assertive woman. To be with an assertive woman requires tolerance, staying power, the ability to be a beta to her authority pretty much all the time (unless you want constant arguments), all of which you have demonstrated or confessed you lack. Sometimes what we desire, and what is suitable for us are two very different things.

Good luck in your endeavours dude.

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 4/29/2008 9:34:45 AM >

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 10:12:50 AM

MsLilac

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

This isn't about dominance. I doubt she'd even realise it if she did gain confidence in her everyday life. I told her last night. "The one thing I can't stand is woman who can't say no, and woman who take crap and things like that." I don't want her to dominate me. She's my girlfriend not my 'mistress'. All I want is for her to have more confidence so when it comes to things that are outside her comfort zone, rather than not facing them and missing out on what facing them can achieve, she tackles them head on and reeps the benefits. (And for the record I don't mean anything kinky or BDSM or Sexual.)

I bet it made her feel real special when you insulted and belittled her last night, for ‘taking crap’. Yeap, that ought to make her feel real good about herself, dude.

Why does she have to tackle things outside of her comfort zone? To please you? Why are you trying so hard to make her do things she just does not want to do? By sugaring it all up, and calling it “taking her out of her comfort zone”, you are just trying to justify making her do things you want her to do, regardless of how she feels about it. Justifying to yourself that it’s for her own good, doesn’t make it right, or for her own good. By making her do things that you want her to do, won’t make her compatible with you.

So, lets get this straight. You want her to say ‘no’, and be more confident in standing up to you, but not so much as to challenge your authority, conflict with, or dominate you. You find her pleasing nature a turn off, but she has to realise her place… a.k.a “she‘s my girlfriend, not my mistress“. You want her to do things she doesn’t want to do, to please you, yet you don’t want her to “take crap and things like that”. You are constantly pushing her, but she is to realise that you are not all that serious about her, and are commitment shy. Hmm, perhaps all these mixed messages have got this poor woman confused. Do you even know what you want?

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 4/29/2008 10:15:27 AM >

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 6:01:58 PM

HardToTame

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where I come from, (For the record) chicks is by NO way derrogitory, I don't say "hey chick" to her, sometimes when we play around I say "Listen here woman"

quote:

It's not so much that we're not social, we just don't tolerate a lot of crap. If you lack commitment, why should she change for someone like you? In addition, you state that you love her to bits as is. If that's the case, then accept her as is. If you're trying to change her into something she isn't, you obviously don't love her "as is." It sounds to me like you should be working on your own issues before you try working on someone else's.

I do love her. As for commitment, I've commited ALOT to her. Just because I don't want to marry her NOW doesn't mean that when I start a family I don't want it to be with her. I'm still young, dumb and full of cumm. We have issues but we're happy, part of committing is working through those issues. The issue now is I want her to have more self esteem and confidence because I like her smile. I want to make her happy. I don't want to change her. I know what she is, and how she is, I know theres something in there thats been supressed for a long time because I've seen it come out when we're together. I fucken live to make that girl happy. 24/7, it's my lifes work. If I marry her I'll be the luckiest man alive. I think about it all the time and too be honest I'm having trouble keeping off 1 knee for her right now, the only thing that keeps me from it is because in the back of my head I say "I'm too young, and I don't want to rush this" even though I KNOW she'd say yes. You think I love her? You should see how much she loves me. Alot of people would be ENVIOUS of what we have. I KNOW we're not going to be one of them 50% or what ever who gets devorced because we DO have problems, how ever we work through them. We don't just throw in the towel. ... All those fucking wedding vowels, we've allready lived them. I've been there for her through sickness and health, through good times and bad, we're just doing the 'till death do us part' bit now, and we don't need a peice of paper for that.

I want her to be happy. To smile. Not to worry about things that she worries about now. I don't want her to do things I want her to do, this isn't about me. I break my comfort zone for her aswell, it's give and take. She gives ALOT, and I'm tired of her always GIVING, I want her to take.

quote:

So, lets get this straight. You want her to say ‘no’, and be more confident in standing up to you, but not so much as to challenge your authority, conflict with, or dominate you. You find her pleasing nature a turn off, but she has to realise her place… a.k.a “she‘s my girlfriend, not my mistress“. You want her to do things she doesn’t want to do, to please you, yet you don’t want her to “take crap and things like that”. You are constantly pushing her, but she is to realise that you are not all that serious about her, and are commitment shy. Hmm, perhaps all these mixed messages have got this poor woman confused. Do you even know what you want?

I don't care if she says no to me. She allready does, and I respect that and love her for it. She allready challenges my authority, she allready has me wrapt around her finger even if she doesn't know it and if she does, she doesn't exploit it. The girls a fucken Angel! By take crap, I don't mean from me, because I don't give her crap. As I said, I mean in LIFE, not our relationship. Eg: When her fucking boss makes her work rediculous, un-necissary hours. When her parents give her the shits, when she doesn't want to go somewhere or do something but says YES just to make others happy. I'm wrapt that she goes out of her way for all these people, but I can see it effects her self esteem, and so I want her to have the confidence to say "No I don't want to go there tonite, I want to relax" or "No I can't work all these extra hours, I have plans with my friends", not always be at everyone elses beck-and-call. I know what I want. I want my angel to stand up and take what she deserves. She deserves the best! Far more than I could EVER offer her, and I tell her every night. I tell her she's retarded because of all the guys she could of had that could give her everything, shes fallen for the biggest dickhead in the bunch, so I don't know what the fuck it is she see's in me, but I fucken love her and whilst I can't give her the world I can fucken die trying. I just want her to stop taking shit from everyone. She knows that if I ever met her boss, I'd have a go at him because of all the pressures he puts on her, but she can't stand up to him, I want her to have the confidence to know that she's fucken, the greatest angel to ever be inserted into a human womb and that she shouldn't take shit from anyone. Not a boss, not her family, not her friends, and NOT ME.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 6:33:12 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

I want her to be happy. To smile. Not to worry about things that she worries about now. I don't want her to do things I want her to do, this isn't about me. I break my comfort zone for her aswell, it's give and take. She gives ALOT, and I'm tired of her always GIVING, I want her to take.

Ok so let me get this straight. You want her to TAKE by changing her personality to be more like what YOU want?

You know what? Her personality is to be caring, nurturing, giving. You can't change her to make her more like what you think would make her happy. She's asserting herself by not bending to make her personality more pleasing to you. For her to change would be doing exactly what you are complaining about -- going out of HER comfort zone for SOMEONE ELSE. Do you see how ridiculous your request is?

Akasha

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 6:45:16 PM

HardToTame

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I know and understand exactly what your saying and agree, but, theres alot more to it. I don't want her to stop being caring etc, I just want her to be able to stand up to authority I guess. I don't want to 'change' her. If she became all, non caring and nurturing etc, I'd leave her. I love her as she is, I just want her to be able to TAKE more, and I guess, not feel guilty in the process. I want her to have a bigger, better self esteem. Basically, I just want her to KNOW she's worth the world not only to me, but to everyone. Show her she's appreciated and shit, because, I think now people just take advantage of her caring personality, I just want her to be able to know when someone is and be able to stand up and not let them take advantage of her.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 7:30:50 PM

DelilahDeb

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Fast reply:

Instead of labelling her actions as "taking crap", why not support her decisions? You wouldn't take it, but you're you, and she's she.
You might ask, sometime, politely and inquisitively, *why* she chose a particular response in a particular situation,
but judging her is not supporting her, nor good for her self-esteem nor yours.

Delilah Deb

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/29/2008 10:47:26 PM

ShaktiSama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
I just want her to stop taking shit from everyone. She knows that if I ever met her boss, I'd have a go at him because of all the pressures he puts on her, but she can't stand up to him, I want her to have the confidence to know that she's fucken, the greatest angel to ever be inserted into a human womb and that she shouldn't take shit from anyone. Not a boss, not her family, not her friends, and NOT ME.

The majority of issues you're talking about here are not necessarily about confidence--they're about boundaries. Your lady friend would be a happier person, in your opinion, if she drew thicker lines between her own needs and wants and those of others--and established a different balance between the two.

Self-esteem and confidence are related to boundary issues, but not identical. Sometimes even people who are very confident and quite dominant still have trouble asserting boundaries between work and personal time, or family and self. People who are strong tend to get leaned on. People who are kind and loving do not like to say "no" to another person's needs or wants, and easily become accustomed to making sacrifices--whether they are dominant or submissive.

Saying no to your boss is not just about confidence, it's about boundaries. The confidence part is recognizing that yes, the son-of-a-bitch might very well fire you if you stop letting him work you to death--and if he does it'll be his loss, because he'll be losing his best employee. The boundary established is that you have a right to a personal life and that you are not obligated to do work for which you are not paid.

The same is true of saying no to family or other friends. At some point, you establish the boundary--which is that you have the right to choose where and how at least SOME of your free time is spent. The confidence part is believing that people will still love you and that they will understand that you sometimes choose to make yourself and your partner happy, rather than a larger group of friends or kin.

The final boundary and confidence limit, of course, is with you as her partner. Because at the end of the day, she also has to be able to assert limits to how much she allows you to influence or control her life and behavior. And she has to have the confidence to demand that you love her regardless of whether she submits to your control or embodies your ideals, rather than her own.

As a man who loves her, you are uniquely positioned to be helpful in all of these issues. All you have to do is point out the rational reasons WHY she should have confidence--in her work, in her love of her family and friends, and in her relationship with you--and support her in any attempt to establish a boundary that makes her a happier person.

Just as an aside, though--there are all sorts of other issues coming out in your posts. For example, if you really want to build up her confidence, you need to say all of these fine and loving words to her--not to us while she is not present. And also, if you want the lady to have self-esteem, try having some regard for yourself!

If she is in fact "the greatest angel ever to be inserted in a human womb", and if she is in fact your beloved and damned near your mistress in everything but name (which becomes abundantly clear from the way you speak of her!)....

...then by extension, my friend, YOU must be both the Shit and the Shinola.

As you point out--she picked you out of a world of possible choices. There is no shortage of men on this planet. If she is that special, then you cannot be anything BUT special--you are a reflection of her will to choose.

Seems to me you should be pretty happy and confident yourself.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/30/2008 3:50:37 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
So, how do you build a womans confidence?

I think the question applies with respect to general social confidence, and with respect to BDSM.

For general social confidence, I think time, and helping one feel secure with respect to acceptance and appreciation helps. Specifically, I am thinking of what helps a shy person loosen up, or what in general helps people feel secure in a social relationship.

With respect to BDSM, and especially with a woman who has been introduced to BDSM, I think feeling comfortable that acts of dominance or sadism are not bad but instead good helps. I think small steps with regular feedback and helping communicate the submissive psychology (that given acts of dominance and sadism bring delight) will help achieve such confidence.

I think an air of deference or subservience can help achieve each of the above. However, this deference needs to be balanced with how a social challenge, or lack thereof, might affect attraction felt for the sub.

For areas of technique, practice with the right implement (for example, a soft flogger that allows miscued shots) and target (a pillow, a trapezoid drawn on the back to help provide an area for aim) helps.

Cheers,

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/30/2008 3:57:35 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
I told her last night. "The one thing I can't stand is woman who can't say no, and woman who take crap and things like that."

I think choice of words matters. For one striving to increase social confidence, hearing that a partner cannot stand the level of confidence one currently holds might hinder rather than help. I think framing the preference positively (I admire people who...) versus negatively (I can't stand people who...) will help.

Cheers,

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/30/2008 4:45:20 AM

solia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

and are you supposed to be prince charming or some shit?

hm, the unconfident, quick biting, fast draw from the hip replier wanting to up the level of confidence of his girlfriend... How does the unknowledgeable teach another?

I'm going to wager that if you respond to her in the way that you've responded to others here...you teeter on the edge of verbal abuse and snippety. She's not going to gain confidence if you don't change your approach.

Deal with yourself first.

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RE: Whats the best way to --- - 4/30/2008 5:02:18 AM

solia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

Ok, as a pervert, the one thing that attracts me to dominant chicks is the authrority and the confidence.

So, how do you build a womans confidence? Help? Please?

The first rule of Dominance, is it isn't about what YOU want, its about what She wants---have you even asked her if this would make her happy?

This isn't about dominance. I doubt she'd even realise it if she did gain confidence in her everyday life. I told her last night. "The one thing I can't stand is woman who can't say no, and woman who take crap and things like that." I don't want her to dominate me. She's my girlfriend not my 'mistress'. All I want is for her to have more confidence so when it comes to things that are outside her comfort zone, rather than not facing them and missing out on what facing them can achieve, she tackles them head on and reeps the benefits. (And for the record I don't mean anything kinky or BDSM or Sexual.)

yanno bubba, sometimes it's not what you say directly to a person's face that matters. It seems that you may be one of those who has a running rhetoric about what's not marvelous about a lot of people and indirectly she may be reading that as 'Hm, I identify with his latest rant so, what's wrong with me and what to avoid so I don't get this load of crap directed at me...' may be directly contributing to her lack of confidence growth.

In other words: you may be the one thing that's keeping her from growing in spite of your verbal diarrhea of 'encouragement.' Shock!!!

I know your type ~ I divorced it and he's still spouting how wonderful he is vs all the other dumb people in the world. He claimed that he loved me for all of my traits ~ then tried to change me and wasn't happy with our relationship when I wouldn't become the woman that he wanted. He told me that I shouldn't let people walk on me, use me, etc. blah blah. He told me that I wasn't very strong.

Gee, I wonder what he was doing on the floor begging me to let him stay the day that he moved out. Gee, I wonder why, after 10 years of him hoping that I'd let him come back, he's still alone and has remade himself into the man that he thinks I want.

Change your tune or you'll find that she's suddenly grown in confidence as she walks out the door ~ sick of your rhetoric.

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