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~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/27/2008 10:11:46 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		**Sorry folks it's long and may or may not be worth the read just figured I'd let you know ahead of time**

So I want to start a discussion on the Human Condition of us all. No real questions, and although I will be telling a SAD Story I really don’t want any “We feel for you Steel” just as much as I would be happy not to hear any “Wow, You’re a dumb ass Steel” I am sure to some degree I will get both but that isn’t the point of this.

The point of this is to possibly in some way expose the Human Condition that Plagues us all and causes Heart and Head Aches for everything that we do.

I have met those who discovered this lifestyle together and stayed together forever, I believe these people are exceptions and certainly NOT the rule. In this I also believe the same is true for those who have only Had One Master or one slave and live happily every after. In this vein you can also add those who have never had one fight or ever had to change one rule to accommodate a poorly planned situation.

See I believe people are Human and being Human we all suffer the Human Condition. This is something that causes us to want what we want regardless of what it will cost. It causes us to be irrational when we feel hurt. It causes people to lie to maintain something they are afraid to let go. It causes a person to do things that are asinine just to keep something that is unhealthy. All the while we press on especially when it comes to BDSM because we know how hard the search is.

I am a Dominant Man, but when I am faced with something I want and want bad enough I will do things that are completely foreign to the concept of Order and Discipline just so I can maintain this thing that I want, so that I can have my cake I am willing to give up the ice cream that goes on the side.

I am sure there are some people reading this who can’t or won’t allow themselves to relate, because to relate would mean to admit you aren’t Scary and Bad all the time, or it would mean to admit that you occasionally give up something you think is necessary so as not to have to give up the dream.

I see it happen every day. I talk to anyone who needs someone to listen. My e-mail is filled with people who just want to talk and need someone to listen, My cell phone rings with someone I met yesterday wanting to talk about some of the hardest things that have to deal with because they don’t feel they can bring it here. So regardless of the answers I receive here I KNOW there are more people who can relate to what I am saying.

Relationships are HARD, every once in awhile someone gets one that is smooth as lemon meringue. To them I say don’t think it’s they way it should be accept that what you have is very special and appreciate the fact that it is so seamless. However for people in my situation you have to decide what you need and what you don’t and choose. Want and Need becomes a different discussion it isn’t a matter of when you get which it’s a matter of if you can get EITHER.

I make mistakes. I get Angry. I say STUPID things. I REACT when I should just take action. I know these things about myself and I also know that some of them aren’t things I can actually control, that even though they are NEVER someone else’s FAULT. They can be someone else’s CAUSE.

I like HARD HEADED WOMEN; I find that it feels like a real action when they surrender to me, because the doormats do it to anyone. Well because I like women like this I tend to have women who like to dig their heels in and also women who aren’t willing to surrender themselves completely and well that is the very nature of the woman I desire so you would think it would be a good thing when I find one.

Ahhhhh but there lays my issue, I want them to WANT to give their surrender and well their very nature says if they give it up then they are asking to be someone’s emotional punching bag. I hope you can see where this is going.

So it is a tug-o-war most of the time, me wanting surrender, them wanting to keep some small form of control, me wanting them to surrender that part of control, and them wanting to take some form of control back. The ultimate GOAL is to get what I FINALLY have with my wife. We have an at times caustic relationship however when it gets serious we both know what to expect from the other, so when she blows up, because I am pushing for that bit of control she holds onto she spends a day or two in punishment and then we re-center ourselves and come back stronger than before. Some people see this as us not having our shit together. I see it as a re-commitment to one another every other month of so….. usually 28 days in if you know what I mean.

Now I know there are those out there who will say that this is unhealthy, or that this is a bad environment I have had people tell my wife to RUN, don’t walk away from me which is ridicules,  because she loves me and understands the relationship we have which on paper looks MUCH worse than it is in reality. We are happy MOST of the time but we spend time dealing with the things that we are unhappy with.

So ladies there is no Magic answer that will make everything better with the next guy. He might sound great and you can make him jump through all the hoops you want but in the end, he could still break your heart and treat you bad.

Gentle men you can meet the girl of your dreams and do everything you know how to convince her that you are on the level and not a psycho, but in the end it is only her who can make that decision if she is going to TRY and trust again.

Whatever Orientation you are that special someone has probably gone through some heinous shit and if that is the case you may have to wait awhile but just remember some things are beyond your control and when something just isn’t going to work you have to accept that too.

Perhaps some of you have read my sig line.

"Nothing worth having in life will come easy, but just because it is hard does not mean it is worth having."

I wrote that as my Kill Line on an old mIRC site after getting out of a very TOXIC relationship (Yes it was real life) in which I simply believed that diligently working forward would make everything better some day. But as it says just because it was hard did not mean it was worth having. Eventually I worked my way through every objection and every wave and every wall and every painful situation and was left with two people who just wanted their pieces to fit together and they weren’t even from the same puzzle.

Folks it’s okay to protect your heart and build your walls just remember that the heart is a muscle and it goes atrophied if you don’t every exercise it.

Protect you heart as best you can but not using it at all isn’t keeping it protected it’s just killing it at a very slow rate.

I wish you all well

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
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For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/27/2008 10:39:15 PM   
wwwkevinww


Posts: 276
Joined: 7/15/2004
Status: offline 		I usually go many years between relationships.  I remember my dad asking me to promise to never kill myself.  I promised, basically I never seriously consider it.  I think later he tried to extend that promise by telling me that their are different types of suicide, like social suicide. 

I think its extremely hard to never argue in any serious relationship, although I had a poll on here and no one was saying that any percentage of conflict was okay.

It sounds you know yourself extremely well.  I don't think you should try to stamp out a girl's spark that makes you interested to her in the first place.  In the long run, you wouldn't be interested if she did completely compitulate.  I'm similiar in that I don't like women who are complete bottoms.  I met a girl who wasn't her own guardian and I was just flabergasted.  It was probably in the realm of possibility to have turned things romantic, but I was more about what is wrong with this picture?   I don't think that a doormat is really offering all that much, I prefer women are are close to my equals in power submitting, it means alot more....

Alot of what you say has alot of insight, and I think there is the human condition where nothing stated is all inclusive....

If you can avoid arguments and they don't make you happy, I think its possible to find a way to avoid power struggles and instead end up in open and honest relationships, even kinky BDSM ones.  If you want to argue and they make you happy, go for it.

There was a book I read in college while taking a course interpersonal communication, Do I have to give up me to be loved by you, that details alot about conflict and the different dynamics/power struggles.  It was written by two married doctors who wrote the book about their own relationship and why it was working.
You know, maybe you should mention that book to people in passing if they are stuck with relationship type problems......


(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/27/2008 10:51:55 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I like strong women as well, BSB and I have our spats, I have stood there while she screams at me, I have said things that hurt her, but we deal with that as partners who want the same thing and have the same goals.  I like to say "it is us against the world" in the sense that we should be fighting FOR each other not against each other and for 99% of the time, okay how about a solid 95% of the time we get along great.  Of course we don't live together which makes some of it easier but it also makes some things harder and so on some level, I think the difficulty is something of a wash.

What helps with that surrender, is not words, is not a cool name, punishment or any of that other crap.  It is your words aligning with your actions, it is coming through when she accepts your decision and you turn out to be right, and when you fuck up, you own up to it and make amends.  In short you have to nurture the deep trust that only comes with time.

(in reply to wwwkevinww)
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/27/2008 11:09:07 PM   
WestBayLoner


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline 		 
quote:

I like HARD HEADED WOMEN; I find that it feels like a real action when they surrender to me, because the doormats do it to anyone. Well because I like women like this I tend to have women who like to dig their heels in and also women who aren’t willing to surrender themselves completely and well that is the very nature of the woman I desire so you would think it would be a good thing when I find one.

Ahhhhh but there lays my issue, I want them to WANT to give their surrender and well their very nature says if they give it up then they are asking to be someone’s emotional punching bag. I hope you can see where this is going.


  This resonates with me as it's something that's entered my mind frequently on beginning a BDSM relationship – how much control am I actually willling to give up?

For me, it's a matter of emotional safety. I feel things strongly, and the more emotionally open and vulnerable I make myself, the more I'm able to be hurt. My defences, my whole external personality as a matter of fact, has made me somewhat ill-suited to being a submissive.  I keep things inside; put a barrier between me and the world. While I'm not aggressive, I'm neither passive nor particularly agreeable, though I do try to be civil. Whether I feel it or not, I try to project the image of not caring what anyone thinks of me, not caring to be part of any group; team work is okay if everyone does what I say,  but doing things by myself is always the preferred option.

  While this does have some benefits ( I don't care what others think of my kinks ), it makes opening up to a dominant tricky. By the very nature of my submissive side, I can't be that apathetic, distant person I show to the world, nor would I care to be – from what my ( very limited ) experience shows me, the very act of submitting to another man brings out everything I surpress.

  However, I'm left with the thought that if I let those defences down, if I give someone authority over that very basic, weak ( and I use that word advisedly, not to be taken as a comment on submissiveness in general ), dependent person inside of me, I have no way to protect myself from them. Everything comes in full blast.

  If I ever gave it all away, I'd have to trust that man absolutely, and if that trust was ever broken... I don't know what I'd do.
 

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/27/2008 11:50:46 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Hiya Steel.  Actually, I'm not going to tell you either of those two things you mentioned.  If I was going to tell you two things, they would be that the 'every 28 days' comment was a bit below the belt, and there are times I'm starting to like the person under the asshole.  (Don't feel bad.  I've said the same thing to Micheal there above.)

You know who I tend to have more respect for?  More often than not, it's those who don't try to paint the relationship picture with the perfection brush.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I can appreciate more those who admit and accept their 'human condition'.  I mean, seriously, who doesn't screw up at least once in a while?  I don't know about you, but I can't live up to that. 

I'm not willing to say that there aren't times that aren't things like anger or fear that might be My first reaction.  These things effect My marriage.  They effect My D/s dynamic.  You know what they say.  If Mama isn't happy, nobody's happy, and I can promise you that's true in My house.  Like you, sometimes I make dumb decisions.  I've been known to say stupid crap, and, at times, I've owed an apology or two.  At the end of the day, they both love Me enough to put up with Me.

In these upcoming days, and months, things are going to get tough around here.  Mistress Military has seen to that.  When I'm experiencing the pain that's going to come with that, I'm probably not going to be the easiest person to deal with.  I'm going to make some dumb decisions, say some stupid crap, and owe at least an apology or two.  I'm betting the CM populace at large is going to put up with Me.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 4:14:45 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		A wise man once said.  "People could survive life's troubles just fine, if it weren't for all the trouble they make for themselves."

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 5:30:47 AM   
Sirandlil1


Posts: 272
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah


I make mistakes. I get Angry. I say STUPID things. I REACT when I should just take action. I know these things about myself and I also know that some of them aren’t things I can actually control, that even though they are NEVER someone else’s FAULT. They can be someone else’s CAUSE.



Steel


and I thought I was the only Dom on here that was not perfect

J loving owner of lil1

_____________________________

A true Master exhibits honor, integrity, honesty, self discipline, personal responsibility and caring for his property.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 5:37:33 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I understand completely.  Submission is not as valuable a gift if it comes with no sacrifice.  This can be true from both sides of the coin.

Here's in irony for you.  My Master likes me to think up ideas for sessions and He gets final say.  I thought up something yesterday - not complicated, but frankly I felt that I would benefit from it more than He would.  He wrote back and said that we will do it our next session.  Part of me was elated; the other part felt like I should have had to suffer to earn it.  There was actually a small piece of me that was disappointed that it came so easily.  Silly human condition.


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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 6:37:05 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Oh, freakin' A.  I just got some news that put my previous relationship in a whole different perspective.  It just wasn't the relationship I thought I had, and even though we ended it a couple weeks ago, I'm still dealing with the fall out.  Right now, I'm just feeling an elemental rage, looking for a target to let loose on, myself especially 'cause I'm the one who let myself get into it.  I went there, and fell in love, taking it as a matter of faith that it would work.  And now, my brain is pounding the shit outta my heart for being so god damn fucking stupid for going there in the first place 'cause my brain knows better than to go there and just doesn't get faith or trust or love. And my brain says I just shouldn't of oughtn't of done it.  And I wanna scream back that it wasn't wrong to fall in love even if it didn't work out.  But the fact that it didn't work out gives my brain a huge fucking counter argument. 

Now I suppose I can tell my brain, well, sometimes the heart has to get out and get some excersise after being cooped up all the time.  I dunno.  Shit. 

I dunno why I'm writing this.  All I can say is its better to pound on a keyboard than someone's face. 






_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 7:04:02 AM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I dunno why I'm writing this.  All I can say is its better to pound on a keyboard than someone's face. 

Perhaps you're writing it because it might just resonate with someone and cause them to not in complete agreement.

Someone like me.

pip, my heart needs exercise - more than the aerobic kind

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 7:24:12 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Oddly enough I have a problem with the whole Submission as Gift thing. Probably because I am not submissive by any means or definition of the word...Black Phoenix has to wrest every erg of submission from me, and that is generally a temporary thing..sorta like a submission hold in wrestling, just because I yield doesn't mean I am going to bow once we are out of the ring

No it is not always physical, but he does know that he has won something when he gets that submission, whether it is a intellectual discussion, a verbal skirmish, or sexually. I know he would like it to stay won ..but.. eventually he would run out of me then..and grow bored and yet I am still his slave, his property and when he desires to quell that rebellious spirit, he can with a word...ignore the mutterings under the breath and the eyes that slice ribbons in his flesh..I obey. Therefore he always has the right to call me slave, even if I am not anothers idea of such.

I have spent many years protecting my heart, from Tops who wanted nothing more than my pain, to husbands to could have destroyed it with abuse or neglect and tried, to a child murdered leaving me to grieve always. Sir has been the first to ever bull through those defenses and believe me they are extremely strong to touch the trembling emotions within steel walls. Compassion, empathy, I have loads of, share freely, but trust, trust to another of the most delicate organ I have? That is another story and he has held it beating in his hand like a frightened hummingbird ready to take flight at the first sign of betrayal and let it sleep there, at peace.

Heck of a trick.

poenkitten

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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 7:30:08 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

Now I suppose I can tell my brain, well, sometimes the heart has to get out and get some excersise after being cooped up all the time.  I dunno.  Shit. 

I dunno why I'm writing this.  All I can say is its better to pound on a keyboard than someone's face. 



Heart and Hope need constant exercise and the brain loves to say I told you so, so they all work hand in hand and get what they need thanks to the others. Believe dear, there are some good ones out there who are just as they are advertised to be..when you find yours, hold on with open arms and all the love you can give.

Meanwhile go to your nearest salvation army, buy up all the mismatched crockery dishes you can afford and go break them somewhere safe, with all the anger, and loud OPahs you can give. One of the most satisfying feelings I have ever had when I am angry, and the shards are good for aeration of the ground for gardens. Of course with one ex, I went bowling and made strikes by pictureing his face on the headpin...

poenkitten

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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 7:56:15 AM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Steel,

Thank you. I need to hear that.

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RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 8:16:25 AM   
lanie38


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline 		There's plenty in this post...some not so fluid from one topic to another, so one blanket answer no matter how many attempts didn't seem to wrap it up so I'll break it up a bit.....and btw just speaking from *my* pov...


ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah



So I want to start a discussion on the Human Condition of us all. No real questions, and although I will be telling a SAD Story I really don’t want any “We feel for you Steel” just as much as I would be happy not to hear any “Wow, You’re a dumb ass Steel” I am sure to some degree I will get both but that isn’t the point of this. 

I don't see any sad story here at all....

The point of this is to possibly in some way expose the Human Condition that Plagues us all and causes Heart and Head Aches for everything that we do.

The human condition as you put doesn't plague me...I revel in it, it's what gives my life drive, ambition...heart aches and head aches are necessary, at least for me, for there to be growth and appreciation of what I have.....

I have met those who discovered this lifestyle together and stayed together forever, I believe these people are exceptions and certainly NOT the rule. In this I also believe the same is true for those who have only Had One Master or one slave and live happily every after. In this vein you can also add those who have never had one fight or ever had to change one rule to accommodate a poorly planned situation.

Hmmmm true, the long lasting, 'til death do us part relationships seem elusive...but people moving on from a current relationship don't always equate that with failure...perhaps growth and gained knowledge is more appropo...


See I believe people are Human and being Human we all suffer the Human Condition. This is something that causes us to want what we want regardless of what it will cost. It causes us to be irrational when we feel hurt. It causes people to lie to maintain something they are afraid to let go. It causes a person to do things that are asinine just to keep something that is unhealthy. All the while we press on especially when it comes to BDSM because we know how hard the search is.
 
There are things I want, crave....but lying, hanging on, clinging to things that aren't healthy to my well -being, I don't do....I'm comfortable with me...being alone with me....there's plenty to occupy my life without resorting to desperation. Mind you I learned this skill later in life as a result of the consequenses....

I am a Dominant Man, but when I am faced with something I want and want bad enough I will do things that are completely foreign to the concept of Order and Discipline just so I can maintain this thing that I want, so that I can have my cake I am willing to give up the ice cream that goes on the side.

I find this a bit confusing! So you're willing to give up something important to gain something important...sounds like life...just your methods might be skewed...to each their own...

I am sure there are some people reading this who can’t or won’t allow themselves to relate, because to relate would mean to admit you aren’t Scary and Bad all the time, or it would mean to admit that you occasionally give up something you think is necessary so as not to have to give up the dream.

This also confusing...so I won't comment...

I see it happen every day. I talk to anyone who needs someone to listen. My e-mail is filled with people who just want to talk and need someone to listen, My cell phone rings with someone I met yesterday wanting to talk about some of the hardest things that have to deal with because they don’t feel they can bring it here. So regardless of the answers I receive here I KNOW there are more people who can relate to what I am saying.

I agree...a lot of personal issue that have a deep emotional effect on our lives should not be discussed on a bdsm, free for all website...at least not if your seeking meaningful introspective answers...or with people they just met yesterday....

Relationships are HARD, every once in awhile someone gets one that is smooth as lemon meringue. To them I say don’t think it’s they way it should be accept that what you have is very special and appreciate the fact that it is so seamless. However for people in my situation you have to decide what you need and what you don’t and choose. Want and Need becomes a different discussion it isn’t a matter of when you get which it’s a matter of if you can get EITHER.

I'm always weary of the relationships that are as smooth as pie....there's a danger in complacency...falling prey to the riding into the sunset dream...relationships require work to move forward, unless what you want is to remain in the present...

I make mistakes. I get Angry. I say STUPID things. I REACT when I should just take action. I know these things about myself and I also know that some of them aren’t things I can actually control, that even though they are NEVER someone else’s FAULT. They can be someone else’s CAUSE.

This makes you human....

I like HARD HEADED WOMEN; I find that it feels like a real action when they surrender to me, because the doormats do it to anyone. Well because I like women like this I tend to have women who like to dig their heels in and also women who aren’t willing to surrender themselves completely and well that is the very nature of the woman I desire so you would think it would be a good thing when I find one.

I am one of these women...although I don't like my relationship to be based on struggle...I have chosen to surrender to him because that is the dynamic I seek...diggin' my heels is of no interest to me in the context of our partnership...it doesn't make me any less challenging just that the roles a clearly defined....

Ahhhhh but there lays my issue, I want them to WANT to give their surrender and well their very nature says if they give it up then they are asking to be someone’s emotional punching bag. I hope you can see where this is going.

I don't see how my surrender opens me up to be being an emotional punching bag...but of course that' because I chose to spend my life with someone who believes as I do, that the two are mutually exclusive...his interest lies in building me up not down..and my emotional well-being is not up for grabs...  

So it is a tug-o-war most of the time, me wanting surrender, them wanting to keep some small form of control, me wanting them to surrender that part of control, and them wanting to take some form of control back. The ultimate GOAL is to get what I FINALLY have with my wife. We have an at times caustic relationship however when it gets serious we both know what to expect from the other, so when she blows up, because I am pushing for that bit of control she holds onto she spends a day or two in punishment and then we re-center ourselves and come back stronger than before. Some people see this as us not having our shit together. I see it as a re-commitment to one another every other month of so….. usually 28 days in if you know what I mean.

Don't fix whats not broken...seems to work well for both of you...

Now I know there are those out there who will say that this is unhealthy, or that this is a bad environment I have had people tell my wife to RUN, don’t walk away from me which is ridicules,  because she loves me and understands the relationship we have which on paper looks MUCH worse than it is in reality. We are happy MOST of the time but we spend time dealing with the things that we are unhappy with.

Again, if it works for both of you why would you care what people on a bdsm site have to say about it...??

So ladies there is no Magic answer that will make everything better with the next guy. He might sound great and you can make him jump through all the hoops you want but in the end, he could still break your heart and treat you bad.

Yep...on both sides of the coin...love requires risk, and there are no guarantees..choose to engage in the risk or not...reap the benefits or not...it's life

Gentle men you can meet the girl of your dreams and do everything you know how to convince her that you are on the level and not a psycho, but in the end it is only her who can make that decision if she is going to TRY and trust again.

Whatever Orientation you are that special someone has probably gone through some heinous shit and if that is the case you may have to wait awhile but just remember some things are beyond your control and when something just isn’t going to work you have to accept that too.

Perhaps some of you have read my sig line.

"Nothing worth having in life will come easy, but just because it is hard does not mean it is worth having."

I wrote that as my Kill Line on an old mIRC site after getting out of a very TOXIC relationship (Yes it was real life) in which I simply believed that diligently working forward would make everything better some day. But as it says just because it was hard did not mean it was worth having. Eventually I worked my way through every objection and every wave and every wall and every painful situation and was left with two people who just wanted their pieces to fit together and they weren’t even from the same puzzle.

Folks it’s okay to protect your heart and build your walls just remember that the heart is a muscle and it goes atrophied if you don’t every exercise it.

Protect you heart as best you can but not using it at all isn’t keeping it protected it’s just killing it at a very slow rate.
 
Some people prefer to protect themselves, and who are we to determine that that diminishes their life experience? You're responsible for your own happiness, no one else's...owning your decisions and their consequences are what being an adult are all about....live and learn....





_____________________________

Don't be so humble...you're not that great. ~ Golda Meir

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 8:54:52 AM   
youngsubgeoff


Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
Status: offline 		Every serious relationship has problems. Just another part of the human condition. One thing I ask myself considering a potential partner is, "would I be willing to work for this relationship?" If the answer is no, then the relationship doesnt move forward.

Sometimes, though, theres people you just cant please. There is a point where a person has to say, "I cant do this anymore. Your dragging me down with you".

I think its good though that you and your wife can keep things together. Honestly, what does it matter what someone else thinks of your relationship? They dont live it, so they dont know. Fuck em.

_____________________________

You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 10:49:00 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I like HARD HEADED WOMEN; <snip for brevity only> I want them to WANT to give their surrender and well their very nature says if they give it up then they are asking to be someone’s emotional punching bag. <snip for brevity only> So it is a tug-o-war most of the time, me wanting surrender, them wanting to keep some small form of control, <brevity snip> when it gets serious we both know what to expect from the other, <brevity snip> Now I know there are those out there who will say that this is unhealthy, or that this is a bad environment I have had people tell my wife to RUN, don’t walk away from me which is ridicules,  because she loves me and understands the relationship we have which on paper looks MUCH worse than it is in reality. We are happy MOST of the time but we spend time dealing with the things that we are unhappy with.


I completely relate to this.

Before Aba, I had a Sir who took me to this place. We loved each other tremendously and without question. Together, our stubborn natures clashed at times, and viciously so. After one particularly horrendous battle of wills (and my subsequent resurrender) I cried against his chest and asked him to release me because he deserved a more compliant sub. His answer was the same as yours, Steel. He loved my hard-headedness and sense of congruity because the surrender was suh-weet.

It was a passionate union and completely fulfilling. The clashes led to deeper feelings when they were over - more trust, more commitment. So yeah, men who love hardheaded women are pretty high on my list. Good for you, Steel, and good for your wife. I am certain that your partnership is enviable.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 1:19:00 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I like strong women as well, BSB and I have our spats, I have stood there while she screams at me, I have said things that hurt her, but we deal with that as partners who want the same thing and have the same goals.  I like to say "it is us against the world" in the sense that we should be fighting FOR each other not against each other and for 99% of the time, okay how about a solid 95% of the time we get along great.  Of course we don't live together which makes some of it easier but it also makes some things harder and so on some level, I think the difficulty is something of a wash.

What helps with that surrender, is not words, is not a cool name, punishment or any of that other crap.  It is your words aligning with your actions, it is coming through when she accepts your decision and you turn out to be right, and when you fuck up, you own up to it and make amends.  In short you have to nurture the deep trust that only comes with time.

Just to expand on this a bit... Michael and I have each had our own anger and relationship issues in the past. We have discussed said issues over and over with each other and both are very aware how hard the other has tried to overcome them..  I have actually learned to tell  Michael when something he said or did upset me.. IN  THE SAME CONVERSATION!  That is huge for me..  We are able to discuss these things calmly and rationally and believe me, we know how lucky we are..

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 1:31:57 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poetryinpain

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I dunno why I'm writing this.  All I can say is its better to pound on a keyboard than someone's face. 

Perhaps you're writing it because it might just resonate with someone and cause them to not in complete agreement.

Someone like me.

pip, my heart needs exercise - more than the aerobic kind


Oh dear.  By now, I've exhausted myself, but I wasn't feeling very noble when I originally posted.   Its good you got something out of it though.  :)  It makes me feel a little better.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to Poetryinpain)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 1:35:46 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Thank you for your kind words.  They feel like a hug. :)

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to BlackPhx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: ~~Protecting your heart by killing it slowly~~ - 4/28/2008 1:41:51 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		Just in case you still need one,

{{{{{{{{HUG!}}}}}}}}

pip, always ready with a hug

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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