RE: One of life's confusions... (Full Version)

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derfrewop -> RE: One of life's confusions... (4/30/2008 7:56:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

... a Dom called me, and he knew I was home alone with my sons and then threw a fit when I had to tell him to hold on a moment since my sons were fighting.  ...


Dump the immature idiot. He seems to think that absolutely nothing is more important than his immediate gratification. He must want a slave who will keep on mopping the floor when the house is on fire because his orders are more important. Real adults with real lives run into stuff that absolutely must be dealt with right this second. Sex is usually not one of those things.

Seriously, if he is that immature about something so basic, he is in fact a child.






Hippiekinkster -> RE: One of life's confusions... (4/30/2008 8:09:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

Thank you for all your replies. 
I can understand that someone gets upset if plans change and all that, but the one situation I had was a Dom called me, and he knew I was home alone with my sons and then threw a fit when I had to tell him to hold on a moment since my sons were fighting.  He even went so far as to tell me I couldn't possibly be a submissive because I wouldn't put him before my children.  I thought that was a bit unfair.  When the time comes, and I am spending it with a Dom, I will give my 100 % to the Dom, if and when I find the right one that is.
Why do you call them "doms"? Because they say they are?

Now, I don't label myself, but the trait of "dominance" has the elements of protecting, nurturing, confidence, an "alpha" presence, and patience. Flogging and rope tricks have nothing to do with that trait (except on Castle Realm and other fantasy worlds).



innerimpishdream -> RE: One of life's confusions... (4/30/2008 9:19:06 PM)

The reason I call them Doms is because it sounds better than the stupid idiot.. Mainly cuz I don't know what else to say.



Hippiekinkster -> RE: One of life's confusions... (4/30/2008 11:47:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

The reason I call them Doms is because it sounds better than the stupid idiot.. Mainly cuz I don't know what else to say.
Tops.



OmegaG -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 6:43:12 AM)

For what ever reason, I had some thoughts pop into my head this morning...

When my kids were smaller they had an instict to when I was getting on the phone and it never seemed to fail that as soon as I got on the phone they'd want to talk or start a fight or something.  Got annoying enough to me I can imagine how annoying it was to the person on the other end.  It got to a point where the kids were a problem and not just an inconvienince at the time.  As the mom I had to set ground rules and I had to stick to them.  I had to tell them up front that when I'm on the phone it is rude to fight for my attention and if they continued there would be consequenses.  After that, armegedon could start in my house and I would ignore it until after I was off the phone.  After a coulpe of attempts to manipulate, they got the message and allowed me the phone time.

Also, there are many women around who really are looking for a new "baby daddy" and they (strictly IMO) don't have boundries between adult time and kids.  They try to sell men on the whole package deal right up front and they present themselves as part of that package rather then an individual.  If a man digs a woman he'll most likely decide at somepoint to get to know the kids and work with them, but when he's never allowed to see the woman in more then mom-mode then it's a bit hard for him to appreciate her as a woman

And kids come in all shapes, sizes and personalities and a man may have had an expereince with kids who were vastly different then yours and he's still trying to figure out how to work with your kids or if he wants to (I have images in my head of "Are we there yet" were it was obvious that the kids were monsters, to every one but the mom).

And finally, sometimes the kids needs are just to great to be able to have a social life too.  If one finds that the kids seem to continue to be the reason why realaionships don't evolve then there might be a need for behaviour modification or a cebatical from dating until they pass that stage.

Ooops, that wasn't final, it's also essential to make sure that one talks to the kids and makes sure that they don't harbor fantasies of mom and dad getting back together, or that they understand the mom's need for a social life and adult time (kids tend to theink they are all mom ever needs).  My kids needed the reassurance for the longest time that I would not just wake them up one day and present them with an instant new family.  Even now my son felt that it was important to tell me that he has a father and m'Lord wouldn't replace him.  He needed the comfort in knowing that neither m'Lord or I have ever thought of making my son look at m'Lord as "Dad".

enough rambling...



Dnomyar -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 11:28:33 AM)

Most um's won't let someone come between them and their mom or her ex. I have seen a lot of relationships break up because of that. It is the reason why a lot of guys back off. Another thing is I raised my kids so why raise someone elses.



LilMissHaven -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 11:41:31 AM)

Now on the other side of the coin I didn't have Ums but my XMaster did, grown Ums with Ums of their own.  I didn't feel any jealousies towards his Ums or grandums because he first made it clear that they were of the utmost importance to him and second he kept me involved with the big and little stuff. 

I had half the say in what presents we bought, if they the little ones came over for the weekend, what activities were planned.  I was the one who took lamaze and was in the birthing room with his daughter when her twins were born.

Even though J and I have split I am still on good terms with his family and see the grandums at least once a week.

I think you can bring someone into your family dynamic just be aware thats its hard and consistant work for all the parties concerned.

Anyways, just wanted to say He's out there and looking for you too so don't lose hope.[;)]



KnightofMists -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 1:09:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

I thought that was a bit unfair. 


mmmmmmmmmmm I was thinking it was rather Stupid of him..... but it did show the quality of integrity!



KnightofMists -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 1:11:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

The reason I call them Doms is because it sounds better than the stupid idiot.. Mainly cuz I don't know what else to say.


sooooooo because it doesn't sound nice you put everyone in the same boat with a stupid idiot.  Call him as you see them... and a person of value will appreciate the integrity of your words... and those that don't... well I guess they are not a person of value.



KatyLied -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 1:12:54 PM)

quote:

Another thing is I raised my kids so why raise someone elses.


Someone told me that years ago.  I thought he was selfish.  I am now at a point in my life where he was in his when he told me that.  I completely understand it now.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 6:50:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster
quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

The reason I call them Doms is because it sounds better than the stupid idiot.. Mainly cuz I don't know what else to say.
Tops.

This is a joke right?



innerimpishdream -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 8:45:45 PM)

actually yes, what I said was meant as a joke.  I am sorry if I offended anyone. 



Skully7000 -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 8:58:08 PM)

I will not try to delve to deep into this but only leave you with a question that you must answer yourself:


I knew a woman who had two kids. She stated that her kids always came first and that her dom didn't understand that.
as her dom, he wanted her to sell the mini-van and buy a full size car. He had his reasons he felt it was better for her. She said "no" the van is for my kids and that is a hard limit.

now from an outside perspective? was she putting the kids first or using the kids as an excuse not to obey her dom's order.

the ANSWER: it depends on the details(which i purposely left out) he had his reasons for her to sell the van she had her reasons to keep it. He believed his reasons did not effect the kids only how well she planned while accomadating her kids.(did she really need 3 bags and 2 strollers. or could she pack it all into 1 bag and a double stroller. etc)

so you need to decide: is there a way to follow his order that won't impact the kids NEGATIVLY.

cheers and good luck
Skully

p.s. thoughts are a bit scattered today so I hope you get my point despite the horrible use of examples to portray what I can't formulate into words at the moment



SmokingGun82 -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 9:13:18 PM)

One thing that bothers me slightly about this thread is the implication that anyone who doesn't want anything to do with kids is not (from seperate examples) a man, a dom, or anything but a worthless idiot.

If we're just talking about people who say "Sure, no problem" and then freak out, that's one thing, and I agree with that... but I don't think a disinterest in children (or people with them as a potential partner) should reflect badly on someone.

My opinion is almost certainly colored by the fact I don't have any interest in dating someone with kids. Partially because I know I'm not ready to play any type of father role, mostly because I like how spontaneous my life is and don't want that to drastically change. I don't think either is an unreasonable position.



innerimpishdream -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 9:18:46 PM)

I never meant to mean that the Dom or whoever else I'm speaking with has to have anything to do with my children.  My children are a seperate thing from taht side of me.  My only complaint really was when I had to put my children first.  I understand that I have to come first and any relationship I might get into will have to come first also, but my children are my children and I have to think of them too.  I was just tired of people telling me that it was understandable but when it happened then they got upset with me.  I can't ignore my children just because I am speaking with someone.  They are to young to just ignore. 



smilingjaguar -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/1/2008 9:50:20 PM)

I've been in a relationship for a long time and have UMs by him, but we both agree that the UMs come first.  That doesn't mean that their every whim comes before him.  To us, it means if they are sick, have a NEED, etc., they come first.  We put the entire D/s thing out to pasture for 18 months because our first UM had serious medical problems.  We didn't sleep in the same bed and a lot of the time not at the same time. 

If they have issues with you putting your UMs where they should be, they aren't the dominant for you.  Be thankful they showed it early.



KnightofMists -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/2/2008 6:30:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: innerimpishdream

I can't ignore my children just because I am speaking with someone.  They are to young to just ignore. 


It would actually be irresponsible to ignore them...  Some people have difficult time assessing changing priorities in the moment... and a few have even more trouble if they become less of a priority in that moment.  Personally.... I think your ability to prioritize is noteable... A quaility that can be very good for a relationship with someone that shares your priorities.  But... talk is cheap... when the walk comes along... that is when you find out the truth... as you have in the given situation you shared.



OmegaG -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/2/2008 7:03:01 AM)

actually sometimes the kids are scraming for attention because mommy is talking to someone and they SHOULD be ignored so that they won't learn to be manipulative.



smilingjaguar -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/2/2008 9:11:44 AM)

That is true sometimes, but in my experience UMs who act like that are in a rather desperate need for any sort of attention because they get so little of it.  More attention at the appropriate time helps much more with the situation than ignoring their pleas for attention.  It was not unusual while I was still transcribing to be going through phone and webcam training with a new employer with both of my very young UMs under my feet and quiet the entire time.  On the rare occasion they did notice the UMs were around,  I received many compliments as to their behavior and ability to entertain themselves.  One former employer used to call them her "virtual grandUMs"...



parttimehotty -> RE: One of life's confusions... (5/5/2008 8:52:56 AM)

You are NOT expecting too much at all!  They're the one's that should be asking..."Am I asking too much"! My daughter is grown, married w/3 kids of her own and I STILL put them 1st and my Master accepts that and loves that about me.



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