blackpearl81 -> RE: Keeping a sub focused: It's not about you (4/29/2008 6:57:47 PM)
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha One of my biggest pet peeves about submissive men is their inability, at times, to think outside of their own fetishes and desires. (1) How much effort should submissive men put into thinking about his partner's (or potential partner's) fetishes? The ongoing joke I have had is a submissive man telling his femdom partner as they get to know each other, "Well, enough about my fetishes. What do you think about my fetishes?" (2) When do you think it's not worth the effort to try to get a submissive man to start to consider your fantasies, and not his? And submissive men - don't kid yourself -- really, there must be some situations where a femdom's fetishes just aren't that interesting to you. (3) But how do you find out, what is your process? How do you really know what makes her tick? (3a) How do you keep her delighted and excited? (4) Femdoms, do you think submissives don't ask enough questions about why you like what you like? Or do you think it is your responsibility to explain it all in detail? Do you ever feel like they project their own fantasies -- not ASK for fetishes to be met, but still think too much inward? How do you correct this and keep it positive? BTW the Jordan Staal thing was true. I wore out my TIVO the other day watching the clip. And I still can't put an exact finger on why it turns me on, but hot damn, does it! Akasha Sorry for editing Your OP Akasha, but it was neccesary for brevities sake. I also numbered the questions that I felt I could answer from a submissives perspective.. 1: This is a slippery slope IMO, mainly because if a sub thinks about it too much, he may be viewed as being obsessive about fetishes & kinks. If he thinks about it too little, it may seem that he doesn't care enough, when this could be further from the truth. Just like any other relationship, communication is key - because every Woman is different, different things appeal to her whether is a fetish or not. 2: I think that after its become "painfully obvious" that he is only expressing his desires, that would be my time to call it quits - if I were Dominant in nature. That can pretty much be summed up by any number of things: Him repeatedly failing to (either intentionally or otherwise) entice the Dominant into engaging in Her fetish - whether its bondage, S&M, or the myriad of other activities. Like the old saying goes: "Actions speak louder than words" him showing disinterest, would speak more of his not wanting to engage in it, than saying "as you wish, Mistress/Goddess/Ma'am/etc" 3: (and 3a) Attention to detail. THAT, IMO, is where a "good" sub (be it male or female) will shine, and be able to tell what kinks/fetishes She is into. Several cases in point: A Dominant is into sensory deprivation. The sub notices little things that make this known to him/her - lets say (and it'll probably be "amateurish" but bare with me) he sees several blind folds on the night stand.. or a few pairs of sleeping pads in various parts of her house. A Dominant is into massages. The sub sees minor things around Her house- heating stones, massage oils, various books on techniques/massage styles, etc etc. A Dominant is into bondage. The sub may notice minor things - eyelets screwed into walls in various parts of the house, excessive amounts of rope laying around, or bundled neatly in closets or plastic totes, etc etc. 3a: Personally, I'd be up for any discussions about Her kinks & fetishes, and then find a way to spice it up a bit.. for example, if She likes being bathed, but also likes having Her submissive blindfolded, why not turn the tables? (With her permission/blessing, of course) Blindfold Her, then bathe her.. hell.. go all out - after the sub is done bathing Her, give Her a full body massage while She's still blindfolded. 4: This may come off as sounding like a smartaleck, but thats not my intent... Submissives aren't mind readers - YES, they SHOULD take the time to explore & learn. I think personally, that this is a responsibility of both parties - the sub needs to understand more than just "i like doing this" from his/her Dominant. But also, some subs need to understand the "why" behind it, so they can be more effective at pleasing Her. I don't think its the Dominants "responsibility" persay, but She should definitely not be opposed to it, or hold anything back. I'm sure everyone here has horror stories of a well intended "addition" to a fetish or kink backfired drastically, because not enough information was asked (by the sub) or provided (by the Dominant) If the submissive asks, that shows interest enough. In my opinion, after that point, the Dominant should volunteer the extra information that could make a "normal" experience, "extraordinary". I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts on this, and sorry if it seemed like such a long read, but I enjoyed replying to this question You posted. Sincerely, BP
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