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ShaktiSama -> RE: Keeping a sub focused: It's not about you (5/3/2008 8:32:51 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hands0n0knees
Are you suggesting that submissive men are more selfish than other bdsm identities in an quantitative, absolute way?
If the contents of my own Inbox can be taken as a random sample--then yes, I think there is evidence for this as a quantitative fact. But the perspective is limited: submissive men are more selfish than other bdsm identities who are likely to approach or interact with a female dominant.
I am contacted on this site by a very large statistical cross-section of people, although the predominant group is male submissive. Of the emails I receive, the ratio of acceptable social skills to unacceptable breaks down about like this:
female submissive profile: 60/40. Note: a very small statistical sample. Generally female submissives contact me over posts to the forum or a desire to pose for my photography; a smaller group simply want to say something nice about my photo or my work. Only 40 percent seem to be wankers or are sending me "slave spam" in which they present their fantasies without preamble or permission.
female dominant profile: 90/10. Note: a very small statistical sample. Generally female dominants write to me seeking friendship, photography, etc. Only 10 percent seem to be wankers or represent some kind of weird come on, usually related to the humiliation of some man--I tend to assume those profiles are written by males anyway.
male dominant profile: 65/35. Male dominants are extremely repulsive when they ARE rude--but they really seldom are. The vast majority of male dominants write to me to say something nice about my picture or my work as a photographer. One or two will send a friendly word about my posts to the forum. The unpleasant ones usually have some agenda to dominate or assault me and very seldom have read my profile.
male submissive profile: 5/95. Male submissives are proportionally, by far, the largest group who write to me--and also the rudest people who write to me in terms of proportion of decent signal to noise. The vast majority have not read my profile and will specifically violate the warnings posted in bold within the first three sentences of contact. About 50 percent of the rude boys are writing slave spam which is cut and pasted and sent to every dominant female profile on the entire site, with no regard to location, compatibility, or any stated desire. Another 30 percent will open with a leading "question" about some fetish they personally have, i.e.: "Are you interested in a human toilet?" Or sometimes just a sentence: "I am looking for a woman to blackmail me", etc..
switch profile, male or female: too statistically rare to really count. One or two outstanding examples of pleasant humanity, though. [:)]
Now, a certain amount of this, I'm sure, is simply what I call the Waitress Syndrome. To summarize: "People are never less pleasant to deal with than when they are trying to get a basic need met on their own terms." This is true whether the need is food, sleep, sex, or a toilet--jobs in the service industry are always nasty for this reason. The majority of submissive men who approach me are trying to get a basic human need met on their own terms; since I have the power to fulfill that need, they treat me as a person who exists to serve their appetites.
I am fairly certain that female submissives could probably give a different break-down of the proportions of signal/noise contact that they receive on-site, with an overwhelming majority of their least pleasant contact coming from dominants of the appropriate gender to seek them out. I.e., I'd be willing to bet that attractive lesbian submissives get crazy emails from female dominants, straight submissives get crazy emails from male dominants, etc..
The upshot of this breakdown is simple. No one who approaches me in a socially unskilled fashion has ever succeeded in getting any gratification from me--not even so much as a sexy one-line email. The waitress approach does not work; I am not an employee at McDomme-ald's. Slave spam does not work: I don't answer emails from Nigerians, either. And even once you get past the opening gambit, being self-involved will not work: if I wanted a man who thinks it's all about him, I'd date male doms. They're less whiney and passive-aggressive about it.
Even a selfish person should be able to accept that a strategy that does not work has to be changed. To refuse to accept this is simply self-defeating madness. Nonetheless, we see this kind of self-defeating madness every day around here, often from men who profess to be mystified that they have spent years looking for a partner to no avail.
*shrug* Many male submissives have made the point that the ratio of dommes to male submissives is not as relevant as the numbers might imply. I would agree with this. Quantitatively speaking, a quality male submissive stands out against the background noise of the socially unskilled majority so brilliantly that he is like a diamond in a black velvet box. You cannot miss him.
And you cannot wait to snatch him up and take him home. [:)]
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