RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (Full Version)

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apiercedkitty -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:24:30 AM)

It stems from a lack of being able to be responsible for one's own self and one's own actions... let's face it, we (meaning society in general) are of the mindset of "everyone owes me something yet i'm not responsible for anything "bad" that happens to me." So, instead of being able to say, "hey, that didn't work out for me i'm going to try to avoid a similar situation next time," we say, "hey, you weren't what you were supposed to be/you didn't give me what i needed so you're a bad person." Just mho tho...



GreedyTop -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:28:07 AM)

first.. *gropes dark cause she's SO gropable*

second:  I think the points I'd make have been covered..  life experience, toxic people who tend to draw toxic people, 'fastfood' relationships, etc.

You rock, dark (and I MISS YOU TWO!!)



Prinsexx -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:29:19 AM)

It's virtually impossible to have a 'pure' experience. What I mean by that is it's rare to have an experience where those two deeply pervasive mind mechanisms aren't going on as well.
i call it 'playing ball' with  reality. In fact, I bet, if we were all kids here, instead of playing 'moan' in the so-clled adult reality that we do, we would all be rough n tumbling it out in a school yeard, rolling with the punches, the in groups, the out groups, the bullies, the whiners, the tell-tales an the teachers' pets.
But we aren't????? We're all grown up now and even 'better' than that we are in a grown-up group called 'The BDSM' TRIBE.
SO: we are just a little more sophistcated at posing, at waiting, at being a good friend, at having big shoulders instead of having chips on 'em? We keep schtum...we dress up, we dress approppriately..?..everyone in THIS playground is wearing a uniform and don't let's forget it....even though wow have you seen it: the lether, the lace??? I've got my tongue in my cheek of course.
BUT we still do the very two things in our heads that we learned to do as kids 'cos it keeps us sane...we do projection, and we do introjection.
You just wondered about the moaners and moaned yourself (sorry I also had to say it). And you will read our responses and internalise them before replying back.
I do it ALL the time.....I shout at the UM's: stop shouting at me! I pick up on another's discontent subconscously and feel discontent with their discontent and so on...
likw a row of schooled horses....the alpha slips a hoof and we all feel the on coming danger.......
I did it with 'P'....I projected onto our Master/slave dynamic that which I thought it should have been, could have been, would have been IF ONLY....and so i went against the very thing I preach....I went against my pure experience of what it was and made my projection real out there  )my emotional drama)and then made that projection real and blamed that.
This whole forum, and others like it, well it's just words on a somewhat grey screen...very hard to keep in mind that there are real people typing, real lives bigger and greater than the role bdsm has to play in our lives, even if we say we think about it 24 / 7.
So the chances ARE that I will post when I have a gripe, or a 'bad' feeling; or a negativiity or lost hope, or feel indecisive or well hell it's just a crap day....I'm going to post when I've projected enough of my own crap out there and had it thrown back and then say I can't cope...it's not going to be an exact replica of the balance I feel in reality,. Does anyone post in discussion about balancing acts?
So in answer? p
Probably for most of the time most of us are just having a life and yet we project it's a big deal....or we introject our lover's big deal......
maybe the craving to live in a cage for a few gours IS a big deal compared to living with a life threatening cancer for example but somehow I don't think so...
but then I go round in a circle when I feel i have had enough input and it's just the way it is out here again.
Conclusion: I talk too much and end up back at the beginning and yes at heart I really wish there WAS more love, emotion, poetry, romance, enticement, committment and connectivity in the lifestyle. ......I liked pain is all and want it given with love.....



SteelofUtah -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:32:01 AM)

I say it time and time and time again.

No matter what happens in your life it is ALWAYS your fault for putting yourself there.

If you are sick and tired of the Jackasses and want to leave..... might sound cold but .... the door is in the same place it was when you walked into this lifestyle and if the easy targets started leaving more often then the Jackasses who prey on them would have nothing left to prey on.

The Law of Nature exists in EVERYTHING. There are those who live in harmony and then there are those who simply prey on the weak.

If you get involved with more than ONE of these jackasses then YOU, the one who was preyed on, YOU are the Moron for allowing it to happen more than once.

I think there is someting wrong with what you find attractive that you continue to pick out the parasites of this lifestyle. Oddly enough I often think thier is a connection between the guys you choose in the Vanilla world and the Guys you chose in the BDSM world. If you say they all started out different then you have to ask yourself what made them all end up the same? What is the Common Denominator? Sorry people but it's you.

So here is the deal.

You want this all to stop? FIX YOU FIRST!! Stay WAY the fuck away from BDSM and Lifestyle relationships till you can fix that little fuck up in you that SCREAMS I LOVE LOSERS and start getting into healthy relationship however if you are attracted to the Bad Boy then expect to be with a BAD BOY I mean come on this is FAR from rocket science.

You must first be HEALTHY to be in a Healthy Relationship.

Steel

**When I started Posting No one else had but I got side tracked and had to delete and re trype this like 5 times so Hopefully this isn't as Nasty as it was in the first 5 drafts.**



apiercedkitty -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:43:46 AM)

i wouldn't call it nasty... i'd say sometimes the truth hurts... so, if someone is hurt by it they might have to sit back and examine why...



GreedyTop -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 9:48:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

It's virtually impossible to have a 'pure' experience. What I mean by that is it's rare to have an experience where those two deeply pervasive mind mechanisms aren't going on as well.
[snip]....I liked pain is all and want it given with love.....


wow... Prin.. all I can say is WOW!  [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif]



RCdc -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 10:05:33 AM)

[sm=imissu.gif]too.
 
the.dark.



LadyRainfire -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 10:58:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

People only seem to accentuate the bad things. We rarely hear about the good things. Things that seem bad get more forum time it seems.


SweetnurseBBW, some people don't want to hear about the good things though. Since being discovered by Master here and getting ready to move out to him in a few weeks, we've had our share of very happy people for us and our share of sour grapes, people who have  been bitter and don't want us to say anything about being together, even though we met here in the forums. We're more than happy to share good news (see the I Love It thread in Polls and Random Stupidity, huh, Greedy?) and always glad to hear the good!



Prinsexx -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:21:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Having put in my 'experiential' post I have had a cup of tea....and wanted to some back and put some in put into each of your bullett points...I know they were just examples but I have experienced them each and every one on here so have a personal comment to make on each of them....
  • Anti family/children doms.
  • Yes have been mailed and sent mail to and met at least one......it's the most difficult reconciliation I have to make in my life, the meeting of childstyle with lifestyle. The kids have open and honest discussions about GLBT because, well because my friends don't follow strict hetero or duality orientation guidlines...so it's not an issue BUT I do have problems relating in general to those who never want children because well I have them and thus it's a big divide

  • dominants that want you to get on your knees
  • Don't they all??? Getting on my knees yes please but NOT in front of a monitor PLEASE.

  • dominants that cheat and lie.
  • I have to admit, (huge confession) I lie. I lie by omission but really really work hard at not telling the untruth. I know it leads to a bad knock on effect and comes back eventually at me in big karmic waves and therefore I expect the truth from others....derrrrrrrrrrr. I lie by omission because I am afriad to say my truth.

  • dominants that change the protocol/agreement/contract without 'caring'.
  • Yes: that's a bastard of an expeience from a sub's point of view. Stuff like it suddenly becomes poly BECAUSE they say they didn't ever say they were monogamous. They finally say they have a vanilla partner....(I have only recently just knocked that one on the head...block and delete). Although I have been in situations twice in my life where I have been totally depressed and repressed in vanilla and wanted to play so I have compassion...
  • subs that top from the bottom.
  • he ho......have done it because he wanted it...but have also done it when I have been reacting or kicking off and also feeling sitchy.

  • subs that cheat and lie
  • Have been tempted to lie back...I said lie back and not lay back. But two lies don't make a truth..


  • subs that want only 'sugar daddies'
  • I went through this phase. That was when I was a 'daddy's girl'.....it got me everything except a feeling of what it was supposed to get me which was a feeling of security.

  • pro dommes or female dominants that demand tributes.
  • Well I wish I could make money out of being submissive. I'd be rich.

  • bad dominants and submissives that attend munches/groups/parties that one person doesn't like/agree with and black listing.
  • Exempt: I NEVER go to munchies (irony eh?)

  • allegedly abusive people and situations where Ds/Ms or BDSM may be involved.
  • I belong to a tribe. It's a tribe where most of us agree with what is use and most of us agree with wg=hat is abuse.
 But is it that people expect too much of others..........the.dark.

yes! All I am saying in the above is I am NOT exempt from any of it. Sorry, but I am not my avatar, or simply my profile.....just human and an imperfect submissive (fucked up?) that tends to slip into slave mindset. But at least I am striving to be better and get better myself and not just expecting others/another to do it for me.




xxblushesxx -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:30:58 AM)

But don't people come here to get others' perspectives? And since this is a bdsm themed site, it kind of figures that it's usually about a dom(me), a sub or a slave.
Yes, sometimes people only whine, and they are usally run off by other members of the forae or they quickly learn to change their ways of communicating to conform more to what is accepted here.
The name-calling is childish, and is possibly out of frustration, or just not having the 'tools' they need to express themselves as well as the OP does, and many others here do.
It would also not be nearly as interesting (imo) a place if everyone only talked about happy subjects...
Of course there are going to be threads regarding the subjects you listed. The forae here is as varied as the world. But, there are many more (imo) 'good threads' about how wonderful their other half is.
HM and I have been together for two and a half years, and we've had extremely rough patches, and other times when it felt like our lives were gliding along like silk.
I enjoy getting others' opinions sometimes, especially when I'm sad or confused. But I would never call Him names, or say He's not real, just because we don't (sometimes) have the proper tools to come to an understanding.
That is unacceptable, I've got to agree with you there.



OmegaG -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:34:42 AM)

I agree Christina, though I haven't used these boards as a sounding board.  There have been times when I'd call my mother (a former teacher) to make sure that I wasn't being a momma hen when I disagreed with the school district about an issue with my son.

Sometimes it's nice to know if your paradigm is sound or you need to rethink your opinions.



xxblushesxx -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:40:57 AM)

Yeah, but, somehow calling Grandma (who raised me as her own) to ask if it's acceptable for me to say (insert smart comment here) to my Master, just didn't seem to be an option...

*g*



MladyHathor -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:44:42 AM)

Well first of all, coming "here" and new posters, well newbies are fresh meat for the bottom feeders---collar them before they know what's hit them!
 
As for BDSM, I believe it has become the Canada for people escaping the war of the reality of life. As I stated on another post, a means to avoid all the prelims of relationships, run around all naked, hot, doing all kinds of perverse things-woohoo, not a care on the world-the life action virtual game called Dungeons and Dominants!  I think this is the new place to try and find nirvana and the newest place to blame when it isn't. 
 
In general, out there, I find people as a whole to be just plain bitchy anyway---gees gripe about this, gripe about that, blame this, blame that---take responsibility!



mistoferin -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:49:29 AM)

Not to anyone in particular~

I know that not everyone has a close, trusted friend that they can confide in and talk to but....

I just can not imagine coming to this forum to ask for advice about personal matters in my relationship. It amazes me some of the very personal things that I have seen people post on here. I would feel as though I were seriously dishonoring my dominant to post such intimate details such as "my Dominant did this...is it wrong?". I know that he would not be very pleased about it either.



Sundowner -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 11:58:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
...
why is it that threads appear so consistantly and frequently - often by new posters or those with new profiles - bemoaning these and many other negative situations?  Threats to leave BDSM because of all the badbad people
...
.the.dark.

 
Hi dark - hugs kid
 
I think it's not quite so much that everyone's a pillock (paraphrasing you) but, as you say, they're newbies. I remember being somewhat disappointed when I first popped into CM - it seemed that there were all sorts of silly and rude people around.
 
And I think it's not so much "Is it all unrealistic expectations?" as high expectations, optimistic expectations, which aren't fulfilled.
 
And I agree with you that there are good and bad guys (as a simplistic description) both inside and outside the bdsm world.
 
But then it's how one deals with what one might term "shit" in life. Most regular posters here are intelligent and aware, so they investigate, adapt and survive; almost certainly in their general lives as within CM.
 
My own approach is to enjoy laughing at the silly people and the angry people and to enjoy new friendships with the good guys (you and Darcy being so very much into the good guys camp it's not true [sm=smile.gif]). But then you're Brits, and we are just so wonderful at handling stuff, whereas these strange American ppl - have you noticed there seem to be several of them lurking around in CM - do so often seem to take themselves very seriously!
<ducks smartly>   [sm=bury.gif]



RCdc -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 12:31:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner

I think it's not quite so much that everyone's a pillock (paraphrasing you) but, as you say, they're newbies. I remember being somewhat disappointed when I first popped into CM - it seemed that there were all sorts of silly and rude people around.
 


Teehee -  you said 'pillock' - that is sooooooooo very English....[:D]
 
the.dark.



Prinsexx -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 12:52:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner

 
But then it's how one deals with what one might term "shit" in life.

Pure class! [:D]



HerLord -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 3:19:06 PM)

Fast Reply

Dark.
Dark.
I am not sure I want to open this door.
Oh god. Love ya Dark.
How do *I* keep my cool on this one? Is it even possible?
I think I am going to HAVE to not get in this one.
It might just be the one to get me banned.
I will just leave it at, YOU FUCKING ROCK![sm=agree.gif]



HerLord -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 3:23:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I say it time and time and time again.

No matter what happens in your life it is ALWAYS your fault for putting yourself there.

If you are sick and tired of the Jackasses and want to leave..... might sound cold but .... the door is in the same place it was when you walked into this lifestyle and if the easy targets started leaving more often then the Jackasses who prey on them would have nothing left to prey on.

The Law of Nature exists in EVERYTHING. There are those who live in harmony and then there are those who simply prey on the weak.

If you get involved with more than ONE of these jackasses then YOU, the one who was preyed on, YOU are the Moron for allowing it to happen more than once.

I think there is someting wrong with what you find attractive that you continue to pick out the parasites of this lifestyle. Oddly enough I often think thier is a connection between the guys you choose in the Vanilla world and the Guys you chose in the BDSM world. If you say they all started out different then you have to ask yourself what made them all end up the same? What is the Common Denominator? Sorry people but it's you.

So here is the deal.

You want this all to stop? FIX YOU FIRST!! Stay WAY the fuck away from BDSM and Lifestyle relationships till you can fix that little fuck up in you that SCREAMS I LOVE LOSERS and start getting into healthy relationship however if you are attracted to the Bad Boy then expect to be with a BAD BOY I mean come on this is FAR from rocket science.

You must first be HEALTHY to be in a Healthy Relationship.

Steel

**When I started Posting No one else had but I got side tracked and had to delete and re trype this like 5 times so Hopefully this isn't as Nasty as it was in the first 5 drafts.**

As always, eloquent succinct and just fucking RIGHT!



HerLord -> RE: .complaining instead of accepting. (4/30/2008 3:37:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Not to anyone in particular~

I know that not everyone has a close, trusted friend that they can confide in and talk to but....

I just can not imagine coming to this forum to ask for advice about personal matters in my relationship. It amazes me some of the very personal things that I have seen people post on here. I would feel as though I were seriously dishonoring my dominant to post such intimate details such as "my Dominant did this...is it wrong?". I know that he would not be very pleased about it either.
Erin.
First let me open with, I have had some very dirty laundry aired about me in these forums. Some deeply personal things.

My Love and I had a conversation early on about what we would agree to share and what not to share on these boards. We do not discuss every post prior to posting. We had agreed that since we were here largely as a learning tool *1 we both decided that being as we are completely honest and open with each other the only way to gain the most from our experience here, would be the same here. How can the questions, doubts, fears and curiosities possibly be responded to unbiased, and therefor misleading, to our situation if we can't be honest?

So we do not pull punches here. Our lives, our love, and our pursuit of happiness depnds on our thoughts being clearly and un disguisedly displayed. Neither of us are infallible. We both have made mistakes. We have both done things that maybe should have been done differenly. But I only speak for myself here but, I am who I am, for the things I have done. If any of the things I had done, had been done differently, would I be the same person I am now? Well, I like myself enough now to not want me to be different, so I am content with the things that got me to be who I am.
[sm=2cents.gif]spent



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