RE: Are men too paranoid?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Are men too paranoid?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Are men too paranoid?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 6:04:02 PM

Smoothicen

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

Part of it is the lifestyle itself.

Even though most of those on here are into it, it is still something frowned upon by society as a whole.

Some people have a tough time coming to grips with their sexuality, especially when in the role of a sub and giving control to another.

One's past also has a lot to do with it. If burned before (particularly on the BDSM scene), trust doesn't come by again easily, even when shown by the other party.

My 2 cents.

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 41

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 6:06:35 PM

MichiganHeadmast

Posts: 726
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Are men too paranoid?

No!

Why do you ask??!!!! Are we being followed?

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 42

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 7:53:18 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Women have plenty of reason to be cautious, especially when meeting someone for the first time since men are usually stronger. As for men being scared of women, the following scenerios come to mind:

1. He's hiding his marital status and is afraid of being caught.

2. He's single, but seeing several women and is afraid of them showing up at his home at the same time.

3. He's lying about his intentions, gaining consent through fraud and is afraid once the woman figures out she's being played, she'll track him down and confront him. Then everyone that thinks he's such a nice guy will find out he's an asshole.

Some try to say they're worried about being outed if they go to munches and play parties. I have a hard time believing that because nobody can out anyone at those events without outing themselves. In most cases, it's an excuse and the truth leads to one of the reasons stated above. .

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 43

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 7:59:09 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Reasons to be worried about a woman.

1. She may be harboring a victim complex, and pretty much every man is being compared as a potential "predator". Which means you-the instant you do the slightest thing to piss her off.

2. She may be prefectly fine-but have toxic exes who will not be able to stand to see her with someone else. They will find out, and proceed to try to make your life hell..

3. She may be living in a total fantasy world. (unicorns and dragons optional) She has high standards. Mortals will proabably not be able to meet them.

4. She lies. Yes, it's a problem, but we will just have to deal with it later-I'll tell you something to try and distract you.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 44

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 8:44:35 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Reasons to be worried about a woman.

1. She may be harboring a victim complex, and pretty much every man is being compared as a potential "predator". Which means you-the instant you do the slightest thing to piss her off.
He may be harbouring a victim complex, pretty much every women is being compared to his ex-wife, which means every women is out for his wallet, or he got jerked around by some woman and now every other one must be trying to do the same

2. She may be prefectly fine-but have toxic exes who will not be able to stand to see her with someone else. They will find out, and proceed to try to make your life hell..
He may be fine, but may have toxic exes who will not be able to stand to see him happey with someone else and will try to make your life a living hell
3. She may be living in a total fantasy world. (unicorns and dragons optional) She has high standards. Mortals will proabably not be able to meet them.
He may be living in a total fantasy porn world and will trying to comapre you to his favorite porn star of course you will no be able to meet up with that standard
4. She lies. Yes, it's a problem, but we will just have to deal with it later-I'll tell you something to try and distract you.
He lies, Yes it is a problem, but you will just have to deal with that later when he tries to introduce you to his other friend for a 3 some or when you find out he is really married

The teeter tooter tips both ways

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 5/4/2008 8:45:48 PM >

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 45

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 9:10:19 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

To the OP
I detect that you have judged your new partners and in some ways you offer little tidbits - like emotional information and then you are expecting something in return - quid pro quo.
I am sorry it doesn't work that way - you will often get what you give out - but it should not be an expectation that you get anything in return - your partners might just be normal individuals - but you possibly have heightened your expectation - and now that becomes a focus for you -of course you are going to find what you think is wrong - you are waiting for it.
Just my opinion - that's all.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 46

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 9:29:15 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

To the OP..are men too paranoid?......No more so than what the extent of their own personal baggage has instilled in them..and frankly it goes to both genders male or female...you see paranoia running rampant...and sadly enough in many cases rightly so.Some people have the survivor instincts of a kitten whilst others have gone to the pitbull side of things..I try to be more of a balance of the two..And I also try to not let past experiences cause me to paint all men with the same brush..So thus paranoia only impeeds(sp) one, while caution, makes the going slow, but utterly worthwhile.........Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

Post #: 47

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 10:16:20 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Maybe it's because a lot of women in their past have proven themselves untrustworthy?

quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwdommelilith

Is it my imagination, or are men in the scene too reluctant to show appropriate trust in their partners? And I am not talking about men who have a particular need for complete discretion, such as married men- I am talking about single men with whom I have played. I have noticed that, even when I have exhibited trust in a play partner (been to their home alone, had them in MY home, told them my real name, disclosed some information about my emotional life, etc.) they still seem to be much more wary than their vanilla counterparts. Any ideas why this is, folks?

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 48

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/4/2008 10:25:04 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Yup-you get stabbed in the back enough times, you get in the habit of looking over your shoulder for the next knife.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 49

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 3:45:56 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Years ago I had a succession of what I considered to be 'bad subs', they lied and cheated, I felt they had used me, blah blah... I blamed THEM.

They weren't to blame - I was. I made very poor choices and rather than continue in that pattern, I wanted to learn why I was making poor choices and picking people that would treat me that way.

I stepped back, stopped having relationships, focused on fixing ME before even considering another relationship. A lot of time was spent reflecting, taking steps to not only recognise problematic areas, but also ways in which I could correct them. People are governed by patterns of behaviour, I am no different and I learned that the most consistent factor in a string of failed relationships is the person themself, in this instance, me. Often it's a behaviour that people tend not to recognise, afterall, it's easier to blame others for being backstabbing biatches.

People tend to find what they're looking for. I know that if I continued as I was I would continue repeating the cycle. The only cycle now in my household is energy efficient and washes in 30 minutes.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 50

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 3:50:46 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Interesting question.

So how long is the op spending talking to subs as people instead as service robots? How does she get to know them well enough to know they have enough compatibility as friends prior to meeting?

You are the only constant in all your relationships.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 51

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 3:57:18 AM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

I read this thread last night and thought about it ever since. Like anything else, there are can be a lot of answers and all of them right to a given situation. Given that, any specific answer you get here is going to be tainted in the perspective of the one who answers. So rather than try to paint this with a broad brush, I'll speak to my experience. Being Dominant doesn't make you perfect or less than human. We all have varying degrees of expertise and what kink means to one can have little to no value for the next. I like long term things. That doesn't mean I start relationships that way, but I have looked for the potential for it because that is part of the value for me, knowing my submissive so well that I can almost read her mind, so that I can feel her in that empathetic way that comes when things are close. That mind, body, emotional connection is important to me. That's something that doesn't come with a hook-up or a few weeks chatting. It takes time to develop. It takes time to even know if you really want it with someone. What I've found over time is two sets that I try to avoid. One are those who are willing to plaster themselves to you, seriously plaster themselves in ways that are jaw dropping in their craziness after a few discussions or a couple of meetings.

It makes me laugh sometimes to see the demand on a submissive's profile to meet in public surroundings first. Why wouldn't you? I mean seriously, we all come with baggage and I like to have a decent idea of what kind a woman is toting before anything else. It only takes one seriously fucked up individual to teach you that lesson. Putting yourself out there as a Dominant, at least in my experience, tends to open those floodgates of women who need a therapist more than a Dominant. I'm willing to work through anything with my submissive, but a psychologist I'm not.

The second set are the players. I don't mind them as long as that comes with the knowledge up front that's what it is. Been there, done that, had some good times, some not so good, but it reaches a point somewhere in most people's life when it's not enough. Playing can still be good, but empty if that's all you do.

Finding that right blend of mind/body/emotion is difficult enough. Weeding through the emotionally broken and the butterflies to fnd it made me both somewhat wary and standoffish.

Just my two cents.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 52

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 4:00:59 AM

wulfgarw

Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Yup-you get stabbed in the back enough times, you get in the habit of looking over your shoulder for the next knife.

*raises glass* HEAR! HEAR!

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 53

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 4:43:35 AM

rulemylife

Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Because so many of the women into this are crazy.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 54

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 5:04:24 AM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Women have plenty of reason to be cautious, especially when meeting someone for the first time since men are usually stronger. As for men being scared of women, the following scenerios come to mind:

1. He's hiding his marital status and is afraid of being caught.

2. He's single, but seeing several women and is afraid of them showing up at his home at the same time.

3. He's lying about his intentions, gaining consent through fraud and is afraid once the woman figures out she's being played, she'll track him down and confront him. Then everyone that thinks he's such a nice guy will find out he's an asshole.

Some try to say they're worried about being outed if they go to munches and play parties. I have a hard time believing that because nobody can out anyone at those events without outing themselves. In most cases, it's an excuse and the truth leads to one of the reasons stated above.

Because clearly your reasoning must be complete, as there are no other options.

Have you considered that in some cases, the cost of being 'outed' might be far, far higher for certain individuals than others? Something to consider, perhaps...

As to the OP:

In my case, I am distrustful of people because I've repeatedly seen the worst of humans and I know what they are capable of. For me, it's not that I distrust women; it's that women are a subset of humans, and I distrust humans. I don't think granting any special status to women or men is a wise decision here, and I find both women and men to be both untrustworthy themselves and, in general, only willing to trust others so far as it is useful to them.

There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. However, I plan for the worst and, sometimes, hope for the best. But that doesn't mean I'm going to trust anyone quickly.

You have to earn my trust, and it takes a long time; much of this has to do with the fact that I don't believe you really know who someone is until the proverbial shit hits the even more proverbial fan and you can see how they react. It's easy to keep things together when everything is going well. What I want to see is how people react when things go poorly.

If someone don't like that, too bad. I prefer to be alone most of the time anyways, so I guarantee it's no major loss for me. Then again, there's a reason I'm single, not dating anyone, and have no plans to ever get married.

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to rulemylife)

Post #: 55

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 5:12:19 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrangerThan
The second set are the players. I don't mind them as long as that comes with the knowledge up front that's what it is.

The problem is, many people don't let their partners know that upfront. They deliberately wait until the person has feelings for them before making their intentions known. There's no reason for it. Plenty of people are looking for casual partners with no strings so why not be honest and find someone who seeks the same? I think players who are dishonest about their intentions have a fettish for inflicting non-consentual emotional abuse on others. Therefore, I view them as preditors. These preditors love the stalking laws too. They can continue obtaining consent based on fraud over and over again and if anyone confronts them, they simply call the cops. After saying this, I feel I must make one thing clear: Anyone who gets involved with a player who is honest from the beginning, that's their own fault and they shouldn't consider themselves a victim.

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to StrangerThan)

Post #: 56

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 5:22:41 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Waves hand Miss Morrigan Im a good choice. Mmmm I take all on here with a grain of salt. Does that make me paranoid?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 57

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 6:01:16 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

LOL it makes you SENSIBLE b/c you don't go for a pinch, you err on the side of caution and go with a grain

And by the way, when you utter that 'Mmmm' instead of an 'Hmmm' it stimulates women like me in much the same way as it does a man with a well-cooked T-bone steak.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar
Waves hand Miss Morrigan Im a good choice. Mmmm I take all on here with a grain of salt. Does that make me paranoid?

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 58

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 6:12:20 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

RT, your post troubles and saddens me greatly. I shan't ask why you distrust people so much, that is clearly personal and I'm not going to go there. I would like to say, however, that there are so many good people about and attitude accounts for a great deal. For instance, my partner's grandmother is in her 80s, she's a woman I admire and the reason being is that she never sees the bad in people. She's never been afraid of people, has always treated others with respect, is not only liked in our community but so well respected. Not once in her 80s years has she been abused/taken advantage of, has never been robbed, mugged or assaulted. Could that just be sheer luck? I really believe not. She has lived in Brighton her entire life, she's 'out there' in the community every day and does a lot of work through the church, which means she also does a lot of work for the homeless. She has been married twice. She survived her first husband, they had a great marriage. It took her a long while to come to terms with his death and eventually she remarried. Her second husband also died, sadly. Again the marriage was great. I've never heard a foul word or bad comment leave her mouth and she would give a person her last penny if she felt they needed it more than she.

She's just a tiny old lady, yet the hoodies and local ruffians treat her with respect.

What does that say about human nature to you?

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Real_Trouble)

Post #: 59

RE: Are men too paranoid? - 5/5/2008 7:04:56 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I tend to be very careful...not necessarily in what I say to those I speak with but more along the lines of meeting people and then, playing with them. I've mentioned what happened in the beginning throes of my divorce...I watched my practice be cut to a third of what it had been prior to my ex's disclosures about me to her co-workers, family and friends. I went from being able to afford...and need...3 girls to help me to 1 and then to 0. I've mentioned the story about going to play with a submissive that I'd been speaking with for a while (about 3 months) and after a wonderful evening of play, waking up to my toy bag being dropped by my head and being told that I had 10 minutes before the cops showed up due to her dissatisfaction with the marks I'd left.
Now...that happened due to the actions of 2 people in comparison to the greater number of wonderful vanilla women and submissive women I have met in the last 9 years. But, it only took 1 to damn near ruin my practice and it would have taken only 1 to have my ass in jail for assault. Geeeee, I can't imagine why men...dominant or submissive...might be just a bit paranoid.

(in reply to bbwdommelilith)

Post #: 60

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Are men too paranoid?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094