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Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 12:06:42 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline 		Let's say you have found yourself in a situation where, emotionally, you are utterly incapable of trusting. Essentially, it is inconceivable for you to believe that anyone has your best-interests at heart, and anyone who behaves as if they love you, respect you, enjoy your company, or want to belong to you is just setting you up. In essence, utter, vicious paranoia.

How does a Dominant proceed forward from here?
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 2:24:14 AM   
wulfgarw


Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		You can't.  Trust your instincts.

If it smells like a set up, and has all the attributes of a set up. it probably is a set up.  Guard your heart and your wallet.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 2:28:41 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I would tell them to get therapy get help for their baggage and walk the other way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Let's say you have found yourself in a situation where, emotionally, you are utterly incapable of trusting. Essentially, it is inconceivable for you to believe that anyone has your best-interests at heart, and anyone who behaves as if they love you, respect you, enjoy your company, or want to belong to you is just setting you up. In essence, utter, vicious paranoia.

How does a Dominant proceed forward from here?


(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 2:44:52 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		Good morning Ialdabaoth,

There's this little thing in life called: "Take a chance" ......... yeah I know first hand that sometimes doing that things backfire...but if no one ever took a chance, you may never find what you seek. Life is full of challenges and growth.......it's up to you to decide which way you want to go.


Good luck.....I wish you much peace..

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 3:46:06 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
How does a Dominant proceed forward from here?



You can't.  As long as you are looking backward you can never travel forward.  You will continue to see everything in a negative light.  Every honest and sincere gesture you will twist into something that smells of manipulation.  The Law of Attraction dictates that since your focus is on distrust and lies, you will attract the untrustworthy and liars.  Even if that's not true, your current state of mind will trick you into believing it is true.

Perception is reality.  Often, if you want to change your reality, you have to change your perception.  The other thing you can do is look inward to what real attributes of yours contributed to your attracting deceptive people and bad relationships?  After all.... YOU picked them!

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 4:11:59 AM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		If a Dominant is in the mental state that you have described, he must learn to dominante himself first, before he could dom another. Get yourself in balance before adding another. You can still be the cool Dom guy and maybe get to play casually, but I would advise against getting in a reklationship where emotional trust is required. And therapy might be a good place to start. Good luck.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 5:11:04 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Who is (doing) wat to whom? Which is the dominant? Which is the sub?

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 5:23:39 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to add myself to those advising if you have gone that far down the no trust road then it's time to get Professional Help.
Find a good mental health practitioner.

(in reply to antipode)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 7:41:35 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

I'm going to add myself to those advising if you have gone that far down the no trust road then it's time to get Professional Help.
Find a good mental health practitioner.



This would assume a non-paranoid view of mental health practictioners. ;) And for time and financial reasons, this is not likely to happen in the near future (I just had my life turned upside down by the unexpected complete break-up of my household after 7 years of almost making it, so the emotional, psychological and financial situation looks grim. At least the girls all have other relationships, and are all doing fine.)

(in reply to Archer)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 7:55:15 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

This would assume a non-paranoid view of mental health practictioners. ;) And for time and financial reasons, this is not likely to happen in the near future (I just had my life turned upside down by the unexpected complete break-up of my household after 7 years of almost making it, so the emotional, psychological and financial situation looks grim. At least the girls all have other relationships, and are all doing fine.)



In that case, it sounds like giving yourself time to heal from the breakup should be a priority, focus on regaining stability in your life - financially and emotionally.  Take things slowly and be kind to yourself.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:01:20 AM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		When I find myself in need of a balancing, I tend to read/listen to the teachings of Deepak Chopra. Finding out more about who & what you really are, what is truly important and balancing your chakra is always a good thing.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to wandersalone)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:01:42 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Trust is built with time and experience.  The trust that a Dom/me puts in a sub is very different than the other way around.  A Dom doesn't necessarily need to have much trust at all in their subs, while a sub needs to show complete trust.  After all, they are offering up their body to be used by another.

Having come from an abusive background myself I find that trust comes in stages.  It is hard for me to believe that someone could truly enjoy me as a person rather than as a person in a role.  Patience and continuing experiences are the key.  When someone consistently acts in a trustworthy manner towards you the walls start to come down.


_____________________________



(in reply to wandersalone)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:03:23 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline 		The problem with that is, I appear to have just moved from the 'denial' stage to the 'anger' stage - and am finding myself constantly on-edge, desperately craving pretty young things to torture into catatonia.


(in reply to wandersalone)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:06:54 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

Trust is built with time and experience.  The trust that a Dom/me puts in a sub is very different than the other way around.  A Dom doesn't necessarily need to have much trust at all in their subs, while a sub needs to show complete trust.  After all, they are offering up their body to be used by another.


The Dom has a lot of need to trust. The sub can:

- falsely accuse the dom of rape, abuse, or all sorts of other horrible and non-consentual behavior
- offer to manage the dom's finances, only to begin embezzling
- begin spreading vicious rumors all around the community
- sleep around on the dom and bring back a disease
- play the "let's you and him fight" game
- play the "I wish you would open up to me" game patiently for years, followed by the inevitable sucker-punch when the dom accepts that maybe they can be trusted with the dom's emotional vulnerability.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:08:22 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't get into a relationship when you feel like that. You do get therapy for your issues.
It is wrong to do that to another person. Worse, by not getting help with your issues first, you will make your paranoia come true. When you keep tossing back compliments in another person's face, they will eventually stop giving them. When you keep spurning love, they will become exhausted and stop offering it. In effect you will cause them to stop loving you, and to leave you. When you stop giving the other person what they need in order to make them prove they love you despite you doing nothing but hurt them, they will give up on you and themselves.

At which point you will then be able to say to yourself "Aha I was right. She never really did love me", conveniently ignoring the ten years or more she stayed with you before you broke her completely.

Go get help now before you destroy an innocent person who has done nothing to be treated this way.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to chamberqueen)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:12:55 AM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		Listen to your inner voice, trust is everything- if you feel you cannot trust - move on.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:19:03 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

The problem with that is, I appear to have just moved from the 'denial' stage to the 'anger' stage - and am finding myself constantly on-edge, desperately craving pretty young things to torture into catatonia.


Which is understandable...you are grieving about the breakup of your relationships.  Personally I wouldn't advise taking out your frustrations/hurt/etc  on anyone else at the moment .... sure it would be a short-term relief for you but would it be helping you in the long term to address the emotions you are feeling.  (but this is purely my personal view  )
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
The Dom has a lot of need to trust. The sub can:

- falsely accuse the dom of rape, abuse, or all sorts of other horrible and non-consentual behavior
- offer to manage the dom's finances, only to begin embezzling
- begin spreading vicious rumors all around the community
- sleep around on the dom and bring back a disease
- play the "let's you and him fight" game
- play the "I wish you would open up to me" game patiently for years, followed by the inevitable sucker-punch when the dom accepts that maybe they can be trusted with the dom's emotional vulnerability.


Agreed.  And guess what, the sub could also not accuse the dom of rape...the sub could do a wonderful and honest job with the finances, the sub may never sleep around on the dom...you get the picture?  You could get hit by a bus tomorrow when crossing the road ...... you have to decide if this means you will never cross a road again.

All of the negative things could happen for sure, however by not opening yourself up to others the only thing you are guaranteeing is that you will also never experience any of the joy.



_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:23:35 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
When someone consistently acts in a trustworthy manner towards you the walls start to come down.


The problem I have with that, is that I've apparently picked up the idea that people are waiting for the walls to come down, and are willing to spend as long as it takes being trustworthy. And it's really not their fault. People can tell that there's something inside me, and they want to see it, no matter how many times I tell them, "It's absolutely horrible, vile, and hideous, and when I show it to you, you will leave." They always want to prove that they'll be the first to "love me anyways". And while they're always willing to risk a perfectly good 3, 5, or 10 years' worth of relationship to prove that they're the first who can handle it, I'm tired of making that bargain. So it feels like I have three choices, each of which I've tried repeatedly:

1. Open up to them early, and watch them say "I can't handle this!" and bug out.
2. Keep it in, patiently explain to them that I can't risk it, until finally they stop loving me and leave (DesFIP summed up this process rather well)
3. Keep it in until I realize that I care too much about them to keep hiding it from them, open up to them, and watch them say "I thought I knew you! I can't handle this!" and bug out.

I've lost the capacity to believe that there's another option, hence this thread.


(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:25:15 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu

Listen to your inner voice, trust is everything- if you feel you cannot trust - move on.


My inner voice isn't in the habit of saying things that are healthy to listen to.

(in reply to Wantstocontrolu)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Overcoming trust - 5/5/2008 8:30:29 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		So what you're telling us is that you are at the point of mental instability, and refuse to seek treatment.
And you still seek to bring someone else into your disfunction so that you might feel better.

Sorry guy but tough love time here GET SOME HELP before you ruin someone elses life all for your personal need to share your hell.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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