please help

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babygirlalways -> please help (5/5/2008 9:57:30 AM)
hello A/all i am writing to get more opinions then anything else, backround time i guess, i am new to poly family life, i joined one on a trail bases, it was going great, but now and for about the past 2 months my "Daddy" keeps comparing me to his painslut saying how he wishes i was more like her, that i could take pain like her and f**k him like her, now i came into the family as a babygirl i am not into pain like her, i am really feeling bad b.c i honestly am confused, is this normal in a poly family??? i am feeling like he no longer wants me for me but wants me to be like his slave. please someone give me some info something. thank You

Ialdabaoth -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:06:32 AM)
This is always a nasty situation to be in, for everyone involved. The thing is, he may not realize how he's making you feel. You need to sit down and have a long heart-to-heart with him on this subject, and remember that all three of you are human beings - beautiful and imperfect - and are liable to have a lot of baggage and unrealized internal desires going into this. It may not be possible to treat the situation with the compassion it requires without addressing it several times, and being very forgiving and understanding throughout the process. At the same time, the burden can't be entirely on you to be the only one being 'forgiving and understanding'. You may have to help them to understand what 'forgiving and understanding' means, in this context. But there's going to have to be a balance between being taken advantage of and giving up too easily, and only you can find that balance. In the BDSM scene, we're lucky in that we have a more open form of negotiation and trust-building than most 'vanilla' relationships. Use that. Rely on it. But don't assume it's there, and don't take it for granted. It's going to need to be nurtured on all three of your parts', before you're all capable of handling this fully. I guarantee that if you do so, though, you'll all come out stronger - no matter how the relationship proceeds.

OmegaG -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:07:01 AM)
Sounds like I would come right out and ask him if he didn't like me for who I was. If he said he wanted me to change then it's my decision to change or leave.

batshalom -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:10:16 AM)
He might be comparing you, he may have had it in his head all along to turn you into another painslut (although why, I don't know, since he already has one). Could it be a mindfuck? Agreed with Omega - talk to him. It's not going to get any better by itself.

babygirlalways -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:14:32 AM)
i guess i forgot to say in my above message, i have spoke to him before about this and for some reason he keeps saying those things, but then he says he loves me for being soft and senual i guess that is what is making me confused

OmegaG -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:19:39 AM)
my inclination, were I in your shoes, is that he's trying to change you. He gives you enough affection for you to stick around and enough criticism for you to think about changing. My experience says that it doens't work, didn't when my ex tried it, probably won't for you, unless you love him more then you love being yourself.

mistoferin -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:22:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygirlalways i guess i forgot to say in my above message, i have spoke to him before about this and for some reason he keeps saying those things, but then he says he loves me for being soft and senual i guess that is what is making me confused Well, if you have already talked to him about it in a clear way that he understands how strongly you feel about it and nothing has changed, the decision as to what you want to do about it is yours to make. You have to decide what you want/can tolerate and what you can't. If you are fulfilled in the situation that you are in and this is not something that bothers you enough to leave, then you may have to accept that this will be the way it is. If it bothers you enough that you can't live with it, then you may have to decide that what would be best for you is pursuing your dreams elsewhere.

MissMorrigan -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:22:51 AM)
How much of your self esteem do you want chipped away at, BG? You need to discuss this with him and be open regarding how his comparisons are making you feel, some people are so wrapped up in themselves that they are clueless. If you already have and it's a behaviour that is being repeated, the first sentence remains... just how much of your self esteem are you prepared to sacrifice? I liken it to comparing one child against another, pretty soon they compete for affection, resentment grows and nothing but disharmony will resound throughout the household. Regardless of the dynamics, the foundations of a relationship are the same, BG, and only you can decide what you are prepared to tolerate.

antipode -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:49:16 AM)
There isn't any such thing as "normal". People do what they do. If you're not comfortable, get out and find something you are comfortable with. Knowing who does what why is not going to make you any happier, and you should learn to not ask people questions about other people they don't know.

mzbehavin -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 10:56:47 AM)
He could be an emotional sadist. For me, that was the most difficult thing in the world. If he knows it hurts you emotionally, and does it anyway... something to think about. The question is, are you an emotional masochist? It doesnt sound like you are. Sometimes we can be conditioned to it though. Often the adrenilin rush that comes w/ being hurt, gets confused in our brains with the rush we get from what feels good. Only it doesnt feel good, but you get addicted to the rush anyway. So begins the cycle.

OldBastardly1 -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 11:13:44 AM)
You could turn it around on him. Tell Him about a Master you used to have that was very loving and treated you like the sweet babygirl that you are. And when he fucked you, OMG, it was incredible. You really wish that He would be more like the previous Master. After He loses His mind, let him know that the previous Master you referred to is actually Him.

RavenMuse -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 12:23:52 PM)
For Me there are a few potential red flags there... however that is because I am on the outside looking in through the VERY small window your OP provided. It 'looks' like your confidence in who and what you are is being cut from underneath you... not something I see as a positive thing at all. That His actions and words don't match raises trust issues from here..... But the reality of those potentials only you can judge from where you are, in possession of the full picture. I Own a girl who is both My little girl AND just happens to be a pain slut.... I accept her for what she is... what she isn't doesn't limit Me because I Own her and whilst she trusts Me not to harm her, I can take anything I want from her, wether she likes it or not.... but she is never left feeling like she is lacking because of who she is. Quite the contrary, I choose to Own her BECAUSE of who she is. If she wasn't a painslut then she'd be taking pain for Me anyhow. Probably lower level than I currently play with her at because she could take less without harm... it still wouldn't be a lack in her because it is HER reactions I am enjoying at the time. If she could take less then I'd get those reactions at lower level play. Wether she likes or loathes them I'd still get reactions I would enjoy, enjoyment I value as coming from who she is without having to undermine her confidence and push her into something she is not.

Constrictor1 -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 12:31:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1 You could turn it around on him. Tell Him about a Master you used to have that was very loving and treated you like the sweet babygirl that you are. And when he fucked you, OMG, it was incredible. You really wish that He would be more like the previous Master. After He loses His mind, let him know that the previous Master you referred to is actually Him. OldBastardly1, You are one twisted, sick ,evil ,convoluted, and vicious bastard. BRAVO! I wish you lived close enough to have a few pints with you and talk about life in general. good post to recommend a methodology to foist an inconsiderate person by there own petard while keeping within the poly dynamic. Constrictor1

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 3:46:49 PM)
Do you bring it up when he does it? Like when he SAYS "I wish I could beat you harder" do you SAY "Sir, you said you understood the situation and wanted my soft sensual side and that you did not want to continue to hurt me and make me feel less for not being a masochist. What you just said made me feel hurt and denied." When someone wants to stop a bad habit, it's best to "nip it in the bud" immediately. And if he doesn't want the habit to actually stop, then as Erin said, you either take it or not.

ehlovindom -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 6:04:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1 You could turn it around on him. Tell Him about a Master you used to have that was very loving and treated you like the sweet babygirl that you are. And when he fucked you, OMG, it was incredible. You really wish that He would be more like the previous Master. After He loses His mind, let him know that the previous Master you referred to is actually Him. Nice reply!

OldBastardly1 -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 6:10:52 PM)
Thank you.

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: please help (5/5/2008 11:21:50 PM)
Sounds like a disastor waiting to happen. He does not want a poly relationship he wants to change who you are... not goood

azropedntied -> RE: please help (5/6/2008 12:48:43 AM)
I agree OB1 well put .I do not get this Masters mixed messages , if he likes you the way you are perhaps its just his tactless form of communication and he is not being clear or maybe he wants a house full of stepford slaves ?

deliteme -> RE: please help (5/6/2008 2:21:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kinkypuppy2 Sounds like a disastor waiting to happen. He does not want a poly relationship he wants to change who you are... not goood Sounds to me like he isn't sure what he wants and keeps trying to remould you rather than accept you for yourself. I'd sit down with him - one last time - and if he does it again...babe I'd be walking before my self esteem and my inner self get totally screwed up and I lose sight of who I really am.

ResidentSadist -> RE: please help (5/6/2008 2:26:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygirlalways my "Daddy" keeps comparing me to his painslut saying how he wishes i was more like her, that i could take pain like her and f**k him like her, i honestly am confused, is this normal in a poly family??? Tell him to go fuck her and go find yourself a daddy dom. No this isn’t the way poly normally works.... well, not a good poly. A good poly make you more secure than a mono and it wil give you more reinforcement than a mono. Sounds like you are involved in “sub competition” only the game Master forget to tell you that was what you were playing.

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