RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes.

RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (Full Version)

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JohnWarren -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 4:15:30 PM)
Since Libby and I aren't looking for playpartners, we generally don't mind if the exchange remains email or phone. However, if you are thinking about a relationship, I'd recommend moving to an initial face-to-face as early as possible. Generally, I have people who have contacted me online meet me at a local BurgerKing. If they show, we can have a nice discussion. If they don't, I've got a chance to scarf some lunch. Later, we can talk again about how it worked and if there is a second step.

Prinsexx -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 4:24:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrObjectmaker Hi there, I was wondering if anybody out there in the real BDSM community has any advice to pass on about dealing with BDSM fakes, wannabes and charlatans. The BDSM world has, in my opinion, as much to do with our individual fantasies and imaginatins as it does with what is 'out there' in so-called reality. (In my imagination I 'wannabe' a great many things. Thank goodness. Otherwise I would just have stayed home all day.......actually come to think of it some days I imagine that I can stay at home in bed all day......) My advice is to get your BDSM reality as closer a match to your inner desires as possible, within the bounds of what you know to be sane, you can agree to be consensual and ensure that is safe. Fakers? Charlatans? Just a judgement and one I have made myself when my expected about someone turned out to differ from they were actually like. I'm a 'real' Princess, of course.

umisprite -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 4:52:42 PM)
I can only speak from my own experience. The three what I call significant Ds relationships I've had all were with men I met in real life first, either at munches or friends of friends or what-have-you. There have been quite a few first meets with Domly types I've encountered first on line. After a few chats if we both feel that we have enough in common we move to the phone...I have an untraceable cell phone number so that is what I use for those initial calls. If there is comfort in his voice then a meeting in a local public place comes soon after. Why waste time? If possible a few weeks at most before a first meet. Nothing beats the face to face interaction, the sooner the better as long as distance is not a big factor. I can, however, honestly state that I've said 'no thank you' to many more than I have met. Some of them may have considered me a fake or wannabee when actually we just didn't have that much in common, or I felt rushed, or I refused to be some stranger's fuck toy, or the red flags warned me he might be married. I do believe that sometimes people come on line to explore their fantasies, unsure of exactly what it is they want, never imagining that it could turn into reality. When the reality comes into plain sight it scares the crap out of them and they run. That doesn't necessarily make them fake or a wannabee, just curious. Then again, there are surely those who look to purposely deceive and manipulate and therein lies the danger.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 5:50:57 PM)
You are presenting yourself to people who don’t have the same expectations as you do. They want to get to know you better is their goal. Matter of fact, for some reason it is taking them longer to know you than normal. It could be because you are acting insecure, trying to pin them down to meeting. Work on that and act secure even if you don’t feel it. Don’t build up every acquaintance as someone you will end up making your slave. Let friendships grow into something more.

DesFIP -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 5:55:33 PM)
Just because they aren't willing to meet you in real life doesn't mean they're fake. They may be very willing to meet someone else. If everyone you talk to balks at meeting you, then I suggest you reassess what you are saying, and how you are saying it. The only constant in all your relationships is you.

Leatherist -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 8:11:36 PM)
I just look for the girls who dont have profiles that read like fantasies. "gift of submission" quotes are a big tip-off to that one.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 8:33:04 PM)
Dude, they all said it. Go live, get out there, do a munch, go to local BDSM club or dungeon. But to the OP directly, if seeking a relationship, 3 emails and were on the phone or she just won't be fast enough to keep up in realife anyway. If she is long distance, there is a 2 week advane notice required to get good airfairs... That means 1st week, flirtaions are hot and she passed the "20 questions" so we are on to a face to face in the 3rd week. Month at the most. - Hope that helps. Happy Hunting, Kalon Eric

LadyPact -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 8:38:06 PM)
I realize they are rhetorical questions. No, there aren't definite answers because people will have different perspectives. I've told this story on the boards more than a few times. I'll keep it brief. I just happened to meet My sub in a chat room where the conversation had turned to discussing a play party we were going to the following night. I was asked if he might attend as well. I said, public club, sure why not. Now, those kind of flippant remarks come up in chat rooms all of the time, so I didn't think anything of it. I was actually surprised that he drove the two and a half hours, just for the chance of meeting Me. I consider that example to be the exception, rather than the rule. Still, it goes back to one of My better theories. I believe in people who show up. While I very much enjoy the people that I've only met electronically during emails and chat, I don't consider them prospects until I actually see them in person. Like others have said, I don't especially do the phone thing. I don't really think it is safe for a woman to be the one handing out her number when it's so easy to trace that number back to a physical address. With that said, I am easy enough to meet at clubs and public events. The times I will be at munches or demos are frequent enough that if someone wants to meet Me, they have an opportunity within a month or two. When I attend these things, I'm pretty sure I'm not surrounded by imaginary friends.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 8:42:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I believe in people who show up. Nothing else says "I'm for real" quite like reality.

Missokyst -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 9:06:48 PM)
For me it is always a matter of not getting attached or have that person in mind as a possibility until I have met them. So, I could chat with someone for months, even years, and it will never get beyond that "nice chat, have a good day" mentality. Friends only, with no expectations of anything more. That way if you do get to a point where you say "lets meet", it isn't a shocker if they don't show up out of fear because there is no emotional investment. To that end I believe that phone calls/numbers come up and are given out when the time is right. If someone feels you are moving too fast, you aren't getting that number, then so what? You tried. If you stop contacting them simply because they wouldnt give a number that may indicate to them that you were only after some play. Be real. Be friendly. And don't be afraid to continue trying. Kyst

Leatherist -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 9:15:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I believe in people who show up. Nothing else says "I'm for real" quite like reality. I've met dozens and dozens of people off of sites like this over the years. And dated quite a few women from them as well. None of them were from coming across with a fantasy view of it all. That shit is a waste of time. The master routine comes later on down the line-if you really like each other-sometimes it goes off in a different direction entirely. If people go into these things with fixed and idiotic expectations-it goes nowhere.

stella41b -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/5/2008 9:24:57 PM)
I've checked the wole CM site and TOS and I haven't found anything to say that finding people here is guaranteed to be easier than anywhere else. Not everyone here is obliged to be into what you're into, to get to know you or even to like you. You may treat people the same way you want to be treated, but it's your want, and all you ever have is hope that they'll respond. Four letter word. Life. The more intimate the relationships you're seeking with others, the higher the possibility of failure or something not working out. If you're finding a pattern of failure in what you're trying to achieve then the most likely cause of that failure is you.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 7:58:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Are these subs you speak to online from the same state? No I don't live in a state I live in a country (France). And France doesn't really have individual states. And I am mainly looking for subs/slaves in the UK and well as France. Mostly because there are not many CM members in France. Infact unsurprisingly most CM members live in english speaking countries. Iain.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:02:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: MstrObjectmaker Hi there, I was wondering if anybody out there in the real BDSM community has any advice to pass on about dealing with BDSM fakes, wannabes and charlatans. The BDSM world has, in my opinion, as much to do with our individual fantasies and imaginatins as it does with what is 'out there' in so-called reality. (In my imagination I 'wannabe' a great many things. Thank goodness. Otherwise I would just have stayed home all day.......actually come to think of it some days I imagine that I can stay at home in bed all day......) My advice is to get your BDSM reality as closer a match to your inner desires as possible, within the bounds of what you know to be sane, you can agree to be consensual and ensure that is safe. Fakers? Charlatans? Just a judgement and one I have made myself when my expected about someone turned out to differ from they were actually like. I'm a 'real' Princess, of course. Well some body on here did say to me recently "Disappointment is a just unrealistic expectation" I thought it made good sense.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:06:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Just remember that to many here YOU are a fake wannabee. So before before you go calling others fake. Thanks for the advice, but as you will notice from my profile I do make it clear that I do not think myself to be anyones Master untill I have actually Mastered them. If you still think thats fake...well thats your view. Everybody has to start somewhere. I'm sure you were a wannabe way back when.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:10:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility You're looking online for partners. There's a certain amount of exactly what you are experiencing that you usually must put up with. It's the cost of doing business in cyberspace. If it is presenting a problem for you might I suggest a different strategy. Something bold. Something radical. Turn off the pc and go out and meet and hang out with other kinky folks. People who are doing this in real time are already doing this in real time, if you know what I mean. If I was living in an area with an obvious BDSM scene and community, instead of rural France, I would be out there mixing it up. Perhaps I should give it all a rest untill I move back to the UK.

RavenMuse -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:17:51 AM)
I have the advantage of living in a relitivly small country and a city with a VERY large BDSM community. I am not interested in a cyber 'relationship', I have enough friends I don't have to put effort in to collecting any here and as for proof..... "I'll be at X event see you there" if they turn up then they are real and We can take it from there. No promises given nor asked for until We meet is something I stick to these days... cuts out a lot of the drama!

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:18:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl quote: ORIGINAL: MstrObjectmaker How much time should one waste on someone like that before you give up and move onto the next prospect? Depends on how far she lives from you. If someone lived within 2 hours of me, I wouldn't give it more than a month. If they're in another state, it may take longer. My advice would be to stick with those who live in your state. Good advice, but as I live in rural France, theres not much scope for looking in just one place. I guess its not that easy to tell? If someone who lives in your state can't meet you within a month, chances are they're either hiding something (or someone) or they're into the fantasy and not the reality. How much time should it be before the question of asking for their phone number comes up? I would wait until after meeting them in person to ask for their number. Women have to be very careful who they give their numbers to because a phone number is all it takes to get an address and then directions to someone's house. Would you want a stranger you had never met knowing where you lived? Another great point! Should I know that myself? The fact that one can get an address and directions to someone's house from a phone number is pretty common knowledge. Yeah well I know that, it was a stupid question. It seems to me alot of people just want to swap pics rather than move to something real or is that just me? It's not just you. Many wankers troll this site as well as other bdsm sites. Same with yahoo chatrooms. Wankerville USA. I'm glad I'm not the onlyone whos experienced the denizens of that particular place. What proof do you as real time BDSM people think is appropriate if any of someones reality? A willingness to meet in person within a short time. I keep hoping! Thank you. Iain. Another idea would be to attend munches and play parties in your area. That way you meet in person right away. Yes I can see that...but as they say location, location, location!

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:20:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetNika Off topic: Steel I love your qoute. So do I, not sure what it means..but hey I'm only vanilla.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Advice needed in regard to dealing with fakes and wannabes. (5/6/2008 8:25:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spinninsweetness I've been called a fake for saying politely- no thanks, not my type for whatever reason. I'm very very real! And even if it progresses more, to the point of swapping numbers then realising there is a compatability problem- whatever I say, I do occasionally get accused of leading people on. My idea of a fake is someone who isnt actually seeking what they say they are, or are different to the person they present themselves to be. For whatever reason, money scam, they are taking the piss or just into mind-games. It is very difficult to tell, because they may get very invested in fake-them. So there is no real way of telling., as far as I can tell. When I talk of fakes, I'm not talking about people who decide that I'm not for them, hey I'm human, I'm an adult, I don't expect every woman to go weak at the knees and proclaim me their Master from the get go. Now the second paragraph is the kind of fake I am talking about. I mean people who are not really who they profess to be in any shape or form.

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