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ReflectionsI - 5/5/2008 7:07:52 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		I need to get this out.  It will be a rambling of sorts.  I just need to tell someone and this is a safe place for my mind so please bare with me. 
Today I was thinking about what my father gave me.  We have had a very rocky life together.  He was an alcoholic and addict for the first 20 years of my life.  It was a love hate relationship.   I loved him but was convinced he hated me.  Yet even through it all he taught me so many things.  I remember being very little and the music would be on.  He would have me stand on his feet and we would dance around the living room.  As I got older he taught me that it was ok to let him lead.  He showed me that if i put my trust in him he could guide me from room to room without running into anything.  Looking back to that time I realize that that was my first glance into submission.  My relationship with him also was my first lesson in losing trust.  When I reflect back to my life with him I realize just how much this one man has influenced me both good and bad.  How he has molded me into who I am today.  Some of those molds I want to break, others I will hold onto forever.  All of these thoughts are flooding through me today.
As I left his hospital room tonight and said what might just be my last good bye to this man that helped make my life possible, this man who guided me through the house on his feet, this man who scared me, loved me, taught me, I realized that I was thankful that he was my Daddy.  No matter what our past is I am glad that he is mine.  I am not ready to say good bye to him. 


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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/5/2008 7:20:33 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		oh, Jaded.... *HUGS*




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polysnortatious
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CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/5/2008 7:46:29 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you GT

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/5/2008 8:09:52 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		You will never be ready,

Nobody is.

Hugs in advance, hopefully MUCH in advance.

T

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/5/2008 8:58:54 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you.  I too hope it is a very long time coming.  It doesnt seem real to me.  He has always been the strongest man I know.  He cant die.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 3:54:35 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		this is going to sound horrible.   maybe i should not post this.   find the right wording.

on my dad- his long illness up and down - was emotionally hard.  a small part of me wanted it to stop one way or the other.

so- he passed.

then my family was in turmoil for a few years.  we all said and did mean and stupid things.

today- 20 years later- the sniper fire has stopped and my family is close.


I was 22.  I felt naked w/o a dad.  Like the entire world knew and I was at risk of harm.  

many years later that evolved into me, like if he was here now- i would not want to be told what to do.

check your email hun

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 7:54:19 AM   
parttimehotty


Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

oh, Jaded.... *HUGS*





Make that a group ((((((((HUG))))))))

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:09:23 AM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		(((Jaded)))
remember Jaded, that emotions like these are the ones
that make people like you and i sometimes go places
we dont really want to go. stay focused on keeping yourself
safe and strong. and thank you for sharing :)

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:45:41 AM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		((((((everyone)))))) thank you all very much.  he is in surgery right now.  this is the part they say he might not make it through.  whatever happens today i know is out of my control, all i can do is wait.  again thank you for all of your kind words and for just letting me ramble.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:58:03 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts today, Jaded.. I hope the surgery goes well.. *big hug*

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 9:00:50 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		*hugs*



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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:28:11 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		*update* he came through surgery.  thank you everyone who kept us in your prayers.  he is still in the CICU but he is stable.  not very alert but he has a better prognosis now.  its a waiting game.  yet i am not sure what the "winner" is.  keep him for us, or no more pain for him.  sigh.  time will tell.  again thank you all

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:36:02 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		glad he made it thru surgery, now comes the tough road to recovery for him and hopefully a better future for your family together.  best wishes for the best outcome for all.

PM

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 8:44:16 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		:: echos PM ::

*hugs,Jaded*


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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/6/2008 9:02:17 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Courage.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/7/2008 12:03:30 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		You are both in my thoughts. Painful as it may be for you, may those who watch over us, help him to go in peace which ever direction he chooses is best for him.

poenkitten

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/7/2008 12:27:06 PM   
Ellsa


Posts: 37
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: minnesota
Status: offline 		SwtJadedGrl,
I always did worship the ground my father walked on. Always will. My Father died last January, after a long illness. There was no more unfinished business, I had accepted that the death of his body would come, and all that was left was the sadness of the last goodbye, the putting him into the ground. He was a man that had the courage of his convictions.
He is alive in my heart. He is always with me there.
Please try to become willing to let go and say goodbye. People don't live forever, I don't like it, nobody likes it. But that is reality.
Please know also that there are kindred souls out here that know your pain.
Grief is a cycle. Go with it, let it take you in it's arms. It is there to comfort you and help you to continue on your life's journey.
Perhaps as your Father would wish for you to do.
warmest regards,
ellsa

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/7/2008 5:35:16 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		thank you everyone for all of your words of strength and acceptance.  thank you for allowing me a place to vent and get it out.  he was a lot more coherent today.  it was good to see him smile.

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~~I'll never claim to be your equal, but never mistake me for weak~~

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/7/2008 5:59:29 PM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I have nearly lost my father 3 times now.  I know how you feel.  Enjoy every minute you have with him.  I can't say whether my father's heart will last an hour more or a century but I treasure every moment that we still have him.  I am happy that you get the same chance. 

Here's another hug for you.

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RE: ReflectionsI - 5/7/2008 6:04:32 PM   
SwtJadedGrl


Posts: 60
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Irishknight

I have nearly lost my father 3 times now.  I know how you feel.  Enjoy every minute you have with him.  I can't say whether my father's heart will last an hour more or a century but I treasure every moment that we still have him.  I am happy that you get the same chance. 

Here's another hug for you.

that is my goal right now.  thank you very much for your words and your hug.


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~~I'll never claim to be your equal, but never mistake me for weak~~

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