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Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 1:46:05 AM   
snarkisms


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		My current partner and I are having a bit of problems. He is vanilla. To the enth. I am sick of missionary, and though he seems to like some mild BDSM, he won't take me to the next level. I fantasize about him dominating me every time we have sex, and I get so frustrated when he teases me and then backs of.

Is there any way I could talk to him and show him how much I love this lifestyle and I want him to be part of it with me?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 2:32:50 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		rent more porn
leave a BDSM mag on the coffee table

or....... simply affix an entire restrain rig to the bed while he is at work, lay a flogger, some needles, a candle, a surgical stapler or whatever your kink is in the nightstand. When he gets home, don't say anything. just lay on the bed looking longingly at the restraints, pet them even, and give him your most comely look to see if he gets the hint.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 2:56:02 AM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		...or, have a friend tie you up in said restraints, leave a whip and a can of whipped cream nearby, and see what he says.

Otherwise, you may just have to realize this is an area that your man is not interested in.  Not everyone is a kinkster.  Trying to change the person you are in relationship with is never a good plan.  It never works, and always leads to heartbreak for one or both parties. 

That's my take, from an unfortunately very experienced perspective.

_____________________________

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--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 3:17:57 AM   
Skully7000


Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		having been the S.O. who just didn't get his partners desires... my answer came when I started going to my local community classes. listening to people share their stories and teach things filled with their own personal desires mixed in and to go to some play parties and just hang out and talk to people(and watch others play) I learned alot. I learned and then talked about it with others and continued until I was trying things that I never ever expected I would like.

I started just wanting to learn how to dominate me submissive girlfriend to please her... and I ended up quitting my job and working for a fetish company full time. I'm not suggesting this will happen to him but the point is sometimes it takes more then just trying it to really get into the headspace of it. otherwise you can just wind up going through motions and not understanding the fascination and passion of the lifestyle.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to StormsSlave)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 3:23:54 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		What about looking at the I.C website for a list of non fiction intros. to the lifestyle, they may help demystify things for him and there's good,sensible advice in them. I suggest books like "Screw the roses, send Me the thorns", or "S.M 101" but there are others.


(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 3:40:43 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I like your handle, S.

You don't mention in your profile that you already have a partner.  Seems relevant.  Are there relevant things you're not telling your guy?  Like, "Please hit me harder."

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a man to actually hit a woman for their mutual pleasure?

Really, do you?  I didn't start yesterday, and I still have to struggle sometimes, because I've been in situations where she got hurt for real, even though we knew each other well and took precautions.  And then, a day or two later, when she's still limping or whatever, and I notice and apologize, and she says, "Oh, don't feel sorry, I don't even notice it anymore."  OMG that sucks!!!!

He wants to please you, not hurt you.  Teach him to please you.  Be direct, open, clear -- and willing to accept what happens when  he tries to satisfy you in that direction.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 4:14:41 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snarkisms

he won't take me to the next level.


Some can, some can't.
 
Talk to him.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 5:08:26 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Your profile doesn't indicate that you have a husband. It also states that you are mostly monogamous - it sounds like your mind is made up on the matter of how to get him to take you to the next level - it seems you are throwing in the towel.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to show your husband your profile. Punishment has been shown to be less effective than reward when trying to change behavior but perhaps in this instance it would motivate him.

Or not.

Could it be that he doesn't really know how to Dom you in the bedroom? Could it be that it's so far outside his realm of understanding that it's intimidating to him? I have no clue what you've tried and what you haven't, and I haven't the foggiest notion what your relationship is like, but it seems to me that you're hobbling this man whom you say you want to be more aggressive with you in bed.

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 5:11:05 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snarkisms

My current partner and I are having a bit of problems. He is vanilla. To the enth. I am sick of missionary, and though he seems to like some mild BDSM, he won't take me to the next level. I fantasize about him dominating me every time we have sex, and I get so frustrated when he teases me and then backs of.

Is there any way I could talk to him and show him how much I love this lifestyle and I want him to be part of it with me?


probably not, no.  if he is sincerely vanilla, then there will be no taking him to the next level. 

my husband of nearly 16 years never ever got past that, nor did he ever get past calling me a freak because his interests werent the same.  oh, he made in into a joke, but that doesnt mean it stung less.  he's never accepted that part of me.  its a factor in why we're ending the marriage peacefully, but not all of it.  we just dont make good spouses.

while there may be a chance that your partner could learn a few things to make you happy, chances are that he wont learn enough to make you content.

sorry to be so negative
kitten

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 5:14:40 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Is there any way I could talk to him and show him how much I love this lifestyle and I want him to be part of it with me?


snarkism,

Just have a candid discussion with him along the lines that you NEED it!

CP

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 5:20:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Is there any way he can bring you to his level? Any way he can tell you how much he wants you to enjoy missionary the way he does? How can he get you to understand how frustrated he is that you don't love the sex you have the same way he does?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:04:10 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snarkisms

My current partner and I are having a bit of problems. He is vanilla. To the enth. I am sick of missionary, and though he seems to like some mild BDSM, he won't take me to the next level. I fantasize about him dominating me every time we have sex, and I get so frustrated when he teases me and then backs of.

Is there any way I could talk to him and show him how much I love this lifestyle and I want him to be part of it with me?


Damn another variation of he's perfect BUT....  accept him for what he is or move on.  cuz your not going to change him or anyone else for that matter.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:11:27 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Get some alone talk time.... take a deep breath ... spit out exacly how you feel.  Dont put him in a position where he has to make a choice then and there as to how he wants to live his life just let him stew.  Then get more examples of how you would like it to leave around.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:19:01 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Porn. Lots of porn.... lots of porn, but build up from the mild stuff, to the hardcore stuff later when he's more into it.  Some dude fisting a girl while simultaneously donkeypunching her is probably not good to start off with. Actually, I don't think I'm to that point yet- thankfully

Start bringing stuff into the bedroom- but start off slow so you don't scare the crap out of him. The first kinky thing should probably not be a huge knotty flogger, or a big leather paddle.  Buy a candle (specifically for wax play, etc etc for the safety police) and ask him if he'd ever thought of playing with wax in the bedroom.

Try a blindfold, and ask him to use it on you. Small, Velcro cuffs might be next. Hopefully at some point in his life he's fantasized about this sort of thing and found it attractive.

If all else fails, put on a sexy outfit and make a flying leap into the bed on top of him, and say "LET'S DO IT DOGGY BABY!"

(in reply to FRSguy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:39:43 AM   
chaosforge


Posts: 397
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: The Abyss
Status: offline 		Perhaps, it is time to initiate a period of exploration. It seems you are comforatable with your disires, maybe he isn't comfortable with his own.

Haveing a coming together of the minds. State what your existing relationship means to you, physically and emotionally. Be sure to include the things you like.

State the direction you see things going as they right now, and how you wish they could go within realistic expectations.

Hope this helps- phoenix

_____________________________

Chaosforge
All begins in chaos and all will end in chaos.
I am that which has always been and will always be.
CHAOS !!!

I am Legion, for we are many.

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:47:20 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		Going from zero to kinky isn't so easy for some, even if they have it in them to do it.  Let's face it, even some of the basic things kinky people do are things most of us were raised to believe were wrong.... such as hurting someone else. 

My own Master was a bit apprehensive when we moved into more intense impact play.  Before that it was a few months of treading lightly and judging responses, with Him spanking me, pulling my hair, slapping my breasts, then slapping my face, then biting me, etc....  After each time, we would talk about things so He would know how I felt about things He had done, and what I might like to explore from there. 

He went through the phase of "I don't want to hurt you."  He got over it, but it didn't just miraculously happen overnight.  It took time and lots of communication, sharing thoughts and feelings, wants, needs and desires....... and WHY I needed or wanted certain things.  And part of that communication was me reassuring Him that I "wasn't like other girls".

Oh and missionary position holds many possibilities for kinky activities.  I get bent like a pretzel in that position, and one thing I do love about it is that we can look each other in the eyes.  Yummy.


(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 10:57:02 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Okay Okay Okay.........

I'll Agree to coming and showing him how to do it once.

**Serious Reply**

You can't MAKE anyone be something they are not. A Dominant and a Sadist are things that people are or they aren't you may need to accept that you are involved with someone who does not meet your needs and then you will have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth keeping and sticking it out or something that will never let you be happy.

Choice is Always yours

However I will agree with another post here and say according to your Profile you have already made that decision. I am curiosu why your Post here and your profile are so different from one another.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 11:05:22 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Will he attend a meeting, munch or workshop with you?  If so, try that...

also there are several books out there but I would suggest "When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt ...

I've never had occasion to need that book, but I do know some of Dossie's other books and I like them.

You also might try Jay Wiseman's SM 101 -- a classic 

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to snarkisms)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 11:10:43 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		get him to read those anne rice books on bdsm erotica...if he doesnt get off to them...you have no chance.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Tired of Vanilla... - 5/7/2008 11:17:17 AM   
chaosforge


Posts: 397
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: The Abyss
Status: offline 		Funny Faery, but maybe not too off base.

_____________________________

Chaosforge
All begins in chaos and all will end in chaos.
I am that which has always been and will always be.
CHAOS !!!

I am Legion, for we are many.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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