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The "Starting" Line - 10/17/2005 11:15:54 PM   
ChastityLocked


Posts: 173
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline 		I am no stranger to bondage, bdsm and fetishes (as i have 35 of them myself, hehe), but my girlfriend is new to all this. I am willing to try almost anything, but im not sure about her. She seems into somethings, but unsure of others. What are some good things to try when you are just starting bondage, or anything related to fetishes? I got her a corset, she loves it, ive tied her hands to the bed once, loved it, but i kno theres so much more to try, but where do I start? i wanna get pretty serious with her. I eventually want to get into a "dominant/submissive" role with us, but im really not sure the BEST way to go about it. I know I cant just wake up one day and say "hey, im gunna make all the rules and tell you what to do", but im not sure what the best way to get into it with her is.
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:03:09 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		If it were me, I’d have her sit down and explain the whole shebang to her. Answer all her questions and inform her that if she stays, you make the rules (depending of you are into a D/s or M/s relationship and if TPE is going to be involved). I’d deal with the relationship first and the fetishes second but explain the one which are important to you. If she cant handle it then she is probably wrong for you. It just depends where your relationship is at and how important it is compared to the whole package. Only you can know this and only you two can work this out.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:07:58 AM   
wolfinside


Posts: 74
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
Have you considered having her fill out a "BDSM play partner checklist"?

Have you filled one out for yourself?

I believe this is a good starting point before any play.


Wolf

(in reply to IronBear)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:31:18 AM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I would recommend starting out with BDSM "days". Designate a day where you play master and servant. From there I'd start her out with some mildly masochistic things, such as spanking and light flogging. Make sure you start slowly, and that's she's not too uncomfortable with what is going on. You might also try different chores, such as dishes done in specific dress, using her as a footstool, etc. Be clear about punishment if she misbehaves, but if she truly isn't interested in some of what you'd like to do, be understanding. Basically, I would recommend that you do a toned down version of what you'd do to anyone else, but if it's edgy, get her opinion on it first.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:31:28 AM   
SadistDave


Posts: 801
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with IronBear. You need to work on your relationship first, and communicate clearly about your needs and desires.

You should be able to pick up clues on how to approach her through your relationship with her. The more that relationship progresses, the easier it will be to bring up fresh ideas.

Be patient with her. There are some ideas you may suggest that will scare the crap out of her if you bring them up the wrong way, and it's always important to be mindful of any social baggage she may be carrying as well. Thats why it's it's vital to know her thought processes as intimately as possible, and to be understanding about them.

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice from everyone here, so I'm just going to leave off with one final thought.

If this girl doesn't have any experience, trust is going to be a huge factor in many of the things you propose. It would probably be best to start out slow and easy. Stick to what you know, and keep the activities on the more sedate side of BDSM at first. One of the best clues that she enjoys them, and that she trusts you will be when she begins to suggest activities to you.

Lots of luck!
-SD-

(in reply to IronBear)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:54:17 AM   
ChastityLocked


Posts: 173
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Have you considered having her fill out a "BDSM play partner checklist"?

Have you filled one out for yourself?

I believe this is a good starting point before any play.


well, where can I get one of these?

also, ironbear, well said, and i thank you for that. Weve done spanking (i was pretty hard, seeing i left marks on her ass for days), light rope bondage (just tying her to the bedpost) and "pining" her to the bed (me in control) but thats about it. I hope to hear some more suggestions, as she is open to doing things, as long as she has all the facts. I have the facts for all the fetishes, but I just wanted to get some personal experiences to go off on, or good advise

(in reply to SadistDave)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 1:21:50 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am no stranger to bondage, bdsm and fetishes (as i have 35 of them myself, hehe), but my girlfriend is new to all this. I am willing to try almost anything, but im not sure about her. She seems into somethings, but unsure of others. What are some good things to try when you are just starting bondage, or anything related to fetishes? I got her a corset, she loves it, ive tied her hands to the bed once, loved it, but i kno theres so much more to try, but where do I start? i wanna get pretty serious with her. I eventually want to get into a "dominant/submissive" role with us, but im really not sure the BEST way to go about it. I know I cant just wake up one day and say "hey, im gunna make all the rules and tell you what to do", but im not sure what the best way to get into it with her is.


You've found a play partner. From what you have described, had she not been into it she would have left you already.

Read some books (SM101, Screw the roses, tons of titles out there far more specific as to the road you want to go down). Don't just take the ideas blindly from these books as gospel, adapt them, reject them, bend them, do what you need to to make it your own. Do it safely.

Communicate, experiment (after communication ;-), and if it isn't fun it isn't worth doing.

There is no 'best way' except through some experience and you can't guarantee it will go the right way - people learn what they do and do not want through experience.

Do your best and don't just study BDSM, study sociology, negotiation books, sales books, business books (don't tell me power exchange does not happen in the board room), science fiction, fiction, anything you can get your hands on that you think might have 1% relevance. Analyse your relationships at work and with friends. Don't obsess about it but consider it. Apply your other interests to BDSM - maybe you like to drive a race car - apply what goes into building a car and successfully driving it, that can achieve those feats and apply it. Relate, connect the dots, implement.

Learning from others is a great idea but only goes so far. And nothing teaches like personal experience.

D (owner of j)

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 2:19:11 AM   
Prunesquallor


Posts: 181
Joined: 10/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648
From what you have described, had she not been into it she would have left you already.


What a weird thing to say!

< Message edited by Prunesquallor -- 10/18/2005 2:20:39 AM >

(in reply to Wolfie648)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 3:02:08 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 3:09:12 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prunesquallor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648
From what you have described, had she not been into it she would have left you already.


What a weird thing to say!


Why weird? From what the OP has said with light bondage and spanking which are both reasonably common sex games for many non life style folk, if she was adverse to that, the odds are she would have at least had words to say and possibly spat the dummy, given him an earfull and left him. Sounds very non wierd to me.. but I'm just a kinky, cantankerous old grizzly who has never lived in the vanilla flavoured square and loves to seduce and corrupt maidens...

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Prunesquallor)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 5:58:10 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		All depends on what you want... ...
If you want a Girl Friend to explore Kink with, then work on the relationship first.
If you want a Play Partner into Kink, I'd suggest dropping the check list in front of her.

it's your call.. .. ..

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to IronBear)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 8:00:01 AM   
Prunesquallor


Posts: 181
Joined: 10/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear


quote:

ORIGINAL: Prunesquallor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648
From what you have described, had she not been into it she would have left you already.


What a weird thing to say!


Why weird? From what the OP has said with light bondage and spanking which are both reasonably common sex games for many non life style folk, if she was adverse to that, the odds are she would have at least had words to say and possibly spat the dummy, given him an earfull and left him. Sounds very non wierd to me.. but I'm just a kinky, cantankerous old grizzly who has never lived in the vanilla flavoured square and loves to seduce and corrupt maidens...


Yes, I see what you mean now. I had completely misread the comment by Wolfie as being critical of the OP, when it was nothing of the sort. I apologise.

I'm always complaining about people misreading postings, seems I am far from averse to it as well. :)

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 8:23:19 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Strewth, Most of us do it from time to time, just shows your human. In my book it takes guts to appologise in the public arena.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Prunesquallor)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 8:24:14 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		I think some of these ideas can be put in order like this:

quote:

nakedonmychain said this:
Designate a day where you play master and servant.

Ironbear said this:
If it were me, I’d have her sit down and explain the whole shebang to her.

wolfinside said this:
Have you considered having her fill out a "BDSM play partner checklist"?

Seems to me like it would make the most sense to continue easing into things and see how she responds. For example, having her fill out a BDSM play partner checklist seems useless when she may not have any idea what a lot of things are or worse, have a warped idea from exposure to bad porn or distorted images from the media. But if you introduce things to her by role play and she takes to it, then she would already have a sense for it when you "explain the whole shebang to her", and the discussions can be more fruitful.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to wolfinside)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 8:31:33 AM   
subkirsten


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		Does she like to read? You mentioned that she likes to have all the "facts" before she tries something new. I personally would suggest maybe giving her a book with some stories (Maybe "Best Bondage Fiction", or whatever else is on the almost vanilla end of your continuum...don't pick out something with the fetishes you haven't even broached with her) and let her read them on her own time. If she's interested, which it sounds like she is, perhaps that will give her some ideas. Even better, ask her what her favorite stories are, or have her mark the pages.
I would think that would definitely start the conversation :) It would with me, anyway.

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 11:37:32 AM   
ChastityLocked


Posts: 173
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline 		well, i created my own "bdsm" checklist, but it might be a goo idea to print out that one, seeing she might like different stuff i do. also, she told me shes doing a little exploring on her own and ill let her know to do more on her own. Plus, she can just ask me for whatever info she wants. Ill see how this goes later in the week, as we are going to get together and we are going to discuss it

(in reply to subkirsten)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 11:54:11 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		A checklist is a good idea. But don't be hesitant to try other things as well. I think the best list is one where items are rated, that way you can get an idea about what she's willing to try, where she needs to be pushed. Part of the fun is in being pushed to new things.

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:07:39 PM   
ownedjulia


Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChastityLocked

well, i created my own "bdsm" checklist, but it might be a goo idea to print out that one, seeing she might like different stuff i do. also, she told me shes doing a little exploring on her own and ill let her know to do more on her own. Plus, she can just ask me for whatever info she wants. Ill see how this goes later in the week, as we are going to get together and we are going to discuss it


If she is doing some exploring on here own wouldn't it be good to meet others who are also in the scene and talk to them?



_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 12:15:09 PM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		Ok....I'm rather new to this lifestyle, only about 10 months. In January I met a man who is a strong dominant. We met in the "vanilla" world. At first, he played with me much like you have done. Within a month though, he started to explain what he wanted in a partner. He directed me to the CastleRealm site to see if I thought I might be interested in exploring this side of myself. Frankly I was terrified.

He has been patient, caring, and has taken things very slowly. Everything he introduces me to I love. While I am a very strong woman, he is a stronger man and I find myself being naturally submissive to him. Consequently, we have worked on that relationship as well. 10 months later, we have a strong D/s relationship, with some kink. He is still introducing me to things slowly. As he says, its tough to get the genie back in the botttle once it is out. He has told me he want much more of me, but he is P-A-T-I-E-N-T. Consequently, I can hardly wait for each new adventure....which is far better than fearing the next step.

I can't think of a better way to introduce a person to a lasting D/s BDSM relationship, which sounds like what you might be looking for. But it is often hard to be patient when one is as young as you are. But then again, she might be just as impatient once you show her what you want.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep doing what comes naturally.

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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RE: The "Starting" Line - 10/18/2005 1:15:18 PM   
nonuts4thshoney


Posts: 550
Joined: 6/12/2005
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChastityLocked

I am no stranger to bondage, bdsm and fetishes (as i have 35 of them myself, hehe), but my girlfriend is new to all this. I am willing to try almost anything, but im not sure about her. She seems into somethings, but unsure of others. What are some good things to try when you are just starting bondage, or anything related to fetishes? I got her a corset, she loves it, ive tied her hands to the bed once, loved it, but i kno theres so much more to try, but where do I start? i wanna get pretty serious with her. I eventually want to get into a "dominant/submissive" role with us, but im really not sure the BEST way to go about it. I know I cant just wake up one day and say "hey, im gunna make all the rules and tell you what to do", but im not sure what the best way to get into it with her is.


Well, if she's super new to this she may not even know what 3/4 of the stuff is on the BDSM checklist. i'd start out with some fun stuff. Playful spanking, not too hard but just to see how she reacts. Wax play is a great start. Make it fun and get some little paint brushes and let her feel the warm sensations as you stroke thin amounts on her skin. Try blind-folding her and nibble her all over and add in a few bites here and there to see how she reacts.

Ask her to cook for you. Have her bring the food to you and serve it to you. But make it fun. Do a role playing thing and have her wear a cute little French Maids or servents outfit. Show her how much you appreciate her serving you and she may very well enjoy it and keep doing it. ASk her to rub your feet and see if she'll do it. If she does tell her how great it feels. If you see a huge smile on her face she may very well do it more often.

Start asking her to take care of some errands for you. Call her up and ask her to pick up your drycleaning, run by the grocery store, pick up a movie you want from the video store etc...

There are many things you can try that arent very demanding but your getting her to do things for you. You should be able to tell if she's into it or not. If she's into it, YIPPEE for you.

Hope my advice helped a little.



(in reply to ChastityLocked)
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