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Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 3:20:29 AM

crimsonvampyrss

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

Post #: 1

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 3:27:37 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

You did not "get" a master, you submitted to a master. Having said that, there is no such thing as "normal", there is no manual, no rulebook. We all make this up as we go along, each in our own way, within our own set of needs and wants. Generically, if this relationship isn't what you want it to be, find someone else to do "it" with, whatever "it" is. This works for all of life, if you find yourself in a situation and if doesn't satisfy you, don't hang on to/in it. Nothing to do with M/s, D/s, PMS or global warming.

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 2

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 3:37:06 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

If you have only limited time together and your 'relationship' is only about play then I can see Him focusing only on theose issues to get the most of what it is about to Him from the time available.

If the relationship is SUPPOSED to be about more than just play in that it was presented as such upto the point you submitted and that side hasn't been followed through on then you need to speak to Him... as what you where assured you where submitting to isn't what you have got!

My girl and I cover just about any subject that touches on us but then she is 24/7 with Me. I don't seperate out 'vanilla' from the Dynamic because the Dynamic is always there doesn't matter that all We maybe doing at that moment is going round a supermarket, she is still Mine.

Even with My playpartner who I normaly see only once a week for a few hours, We talk about her work, her family, politics... whatever maybe come up...even with the limited time.

Only you can answer the title question.... but the implied question of "is not talking about other things... just being a natural Dominant?".... hell no!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 3

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 4:39:41 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crimsonvampyrss

I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

Welcome to the Forums, esp the "Big Boy's" Forum.... ;-)

Seems like he's got you pigeon-holed as BDSM only. Most of us enjoy having someone to share our everyday (vanilla) lives with as equal adults - that's "normal" for me, too!

Unfortunately, it's not unusual for "new meat" to have the complaint you're making. You've been duped by a user - he's taking advantage of your inexperience and keeping you as his personal D/s outlet.

A submissive's place is to serve and obey etc and, sadly, that's ALL he wants with you. He doesn't care if you have a favourite movie, colour, hobby or family life etc; it only matters that you do whatever he wants, when he wants it.... Now that's ok if he's honest about it and you stick around anyway - but I suspect no-one asked or informed you, ay?

I think you want a D/s relationship that has room for all you are and a dom who appreciates that about you. What you have is a dom who uses you for his D/s distractions and doubtless has someone else to go back to for the everyday needs you crave but which he doesn't require from you.

He's a selfish, deceitful, bum - question: Is he the right Master for *YOU*?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 4

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 4:57:03 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
You've been duped by a user - he's taking advantage of your inexperience and keeping you as his personal D/s outlet.

A submissive's place is to serve and obey etc and, sadly, that's ALL he wants with you. He doesn't care if you have a favourite movie, colour, hobby or family life etc; it only matters that you do whatever he wants, when he wants it.... Now that's ok if he's honest about it and you stick around anyway - but I suspect no-one asked or informed you, ay?

I think you want a D/s relationship that has room for all you are and a dom who appreciates that about you. What you have is a dom who uses you for his D/s distractions and doubtless has someone else to go back to for the everyday needs you crave but which he doesn't require from you.

He's a selfish, deceitful, bum - question: Is he the right Master for *YOU*?

Well now, that's quite a big leap there don't you think?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 5

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 4:57:46 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i'm sort of sorry to be saying this, but those issues really should have been discussed and agreed upon before becoming 'his'.

When people travel in opposite directions it's really hard to arrive at a common destination. When people have common relationship goals, regardless of what those are, casual play partner, intense play partner, committed Top/bottom, marriage or anything in between, the goal of the relationship needs to be a common one for the relationship to be fulfilling and to grow.

Now, it could be that his ultimate goal with you is to have a relationship that includes the "normal" stuff but that he wants to find compatibility in the BDSM aspect first. Could be that his ultimate goal is for a BDSM relationship only. Could be a lot of things but you won't know that unless you ask him.

Be careful also that you don't focus so much on a destination that you forget that it's a journey to get there. And don't forget that two do not need to be equally yoked to pull together.

good luck to you

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 6

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 5:06:43 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
You've been duped by a user - he's taking advantage of your inexperience and keeping you as his personal D/s outlet.

A submissive's place is to serve and obey etc and, sadly, that's ALL he wants with you. He doesn't care if you have a favourite movie, colour, hobby or family life etc; it only matters that you do whatever he wants, when he wants it.... Now that's ok if he's honest about it and you stick around anyway - but I suspect no-one asked or informed you, ay?

I think you want a D/s relationship that has room for all you are and a dom who appreciates that about you. What you have is a dom who uses you for his D/s distractions and doubtless has someone else to go back to for the everyday needs you crave but which he doesn't require from you.

He's a selfish, deceitful, bum - question: Is he the right Master for *YOU*?

Well now, that's quite a big leap there don't you think?

It's just my opinion - as always.

You know for a fact that I'm wrong?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 5:12:09 AM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

Quite possibly, he is almost as new as you are with real-life interactions. Maybe , like many newbies, thinks that he has to portray the Master he has read about and hasn't learned how to balance.
I suggest an attempt at communicating your concerns/needs. If that fails, then excuse yourself from his company.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 8

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 5:23:21 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

define "normal" - is it merely conversations about everything and anything between you two?

however "Is he the right Master for me?" is a question you should be asking yourself not us. you're the one inside this relationship while we (those who reply) are standing outside of this looking inward. i cannot tell you what to do but i can tell you BDSM doesn't stand for Brains Don't Seem (to) Matter. just because being submissive/slave to someone doesn't mean you check your common sense and reasoning at the door. trust your gut instincts about this person. is he the type of person you feel compatible enough to submit to? or is he just someone taking advantage of your inexperience for his own pleasure?

quick story - when i "discovered" my submissiveness over 4yrs ago, i was in your shoes with a "master" who took advantage of my inexperience. at first we had conversations however when he quickly moved his interest towards in having sex with me than instructing as he promised, i walked away ...because i knew i wasn't ready for that.

good luck with your decision.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 9

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 5:24:58 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
You've been duped by a user - he's taking advantage of your inexperience and keeping you as his personal D/s outlet.

A submissive's place is to serve and obey etc and, sadly, that's ALL he wants with you. He doesn't care if you have a favourite movie, colour, hobby or family life etc; it only matters that you do whatever he wants, when he wants it.... Now that's ok if he's honest about it and you stick around anyway - but I suspect no-one asked or informed you, ay?

I think you want a D/s relationship that has room for all you are and a dom who appreciates that about you. What you have is a dom who uses you for his D/s distractions and doubtless has someone else to go back to for the everyday needs you crave but which he doesn't require from you.

He's a selfish, deceitful, bum - question: Is he the right Master for *YOU*?

Well now, that's quite a big leap there don't you think?

It's just my opinion - as always.

You know for a fact that I'm wrong?

Focus.

Do you know for a fact that you're right? I think that it's a pretty heavy accusation based on paragraph of information.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 10

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 5:32:29 AM

pettingdragons

Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

Either talk with him, for cumminucation is the best road, or dump the frothy bastard and find someone who cares....

pettingdragons
**Master Dragon's considered slave**

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 11

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 6:18:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crimsonvampyrss
I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

Well the stuff that changed is an issue- and you need to ask why he decided to change things up and if he cares to share what his long term expectations will be.

The stuff that hasn't changed is really an issue because it means you accepted it for what it was and now you aren't happy with it.

This is the reason people say not to make commitments so fast. What exactly was your need to become committed so quickly to this relationship and what made you feel you'd worked through some of these basic issues already?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 12

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 6:19:09 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crimsonvampyrss

I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

I can't make any comments or conclusions with regards to your relationship... but I will address you one question with regards to a submissive needing vanilla.

It is not uncommon for a person taking new steps down a path they are inexperienced in to want to hold on to steps they have taken in the past. This may or may not apply to you...but in part... your lack of experience and possible fears of the unknown in this lifestyle may be causing you to want to hold tighter to other aspects of your life. This is not to say that you should throw caution to the wind and immerse yourself completely into this new lifestyle. Another aspect to consider is being able to incorporate all this new lifestyle shit into your life. How does it all fit with everything else that is in your life. In generally, your life is in significant change as you venture into this given lifestyle of BDSM and D/s. I think everyone adjusts differently as they incorporate the changes. Even one with alot of experience is going to have adjustments when they bring someone in their life as your Master as done. He may have alot of experience in the lifestyle... but actually he has very very little experience with you. How he is adjusting.. may not work well for you and how you are adjusting may not work well for him.. in it's present forum. We go back to having meaningful and effective communication with the individuals involved in the relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 13

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 6:21:23 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Do you know for a fact that you're right? I think that it's a pretty heavy accusation based on paragraph of information.

Hey... I think he is projecting himself into the situation...

It's just my opinion.... I might be right... or maybe he is right..... Not sure which.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 6:30:24 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

if a man can't talk to me about something other than bdsm, then i have to wonder just how much of a life he really has, and i certainly wouldn't entertain the thought of keeping him around very long unless it was just to be a quickie, now and then, fuck-buddy/play partner relationship that i knew i couldn't even enjoy a cup of coffee with later, but that's just me.

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 15

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 6:51:25 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crimsonvampyrss

I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

Okay. First thing is, what do you expect from "this world", as you put it? Is this something you simply play (scene) in, or do you want a 24/7 live-in kind of thing?

If you are just into scening, you are a bottom. If you want to have someone control you past the bedroom, you are a submissive. If you want to give it all up, you are a slave.

Now that you've had your first taste, what do you think? A desire for more than just scening is, IMHO, simply a sign of a developed personality.

Your question bothers me because you clearly have a communication/relationship issue and you seem to think that it is because a Top/Dom/Master/PYL is or is not what you need. Nope. In a healthy relationship, both are open and willing to change - you seem to think that He is unwilling/incapable of changing.

The bad part is that you are the dissatisfied one, so it is your responsibility to initiate the conversation, which is awkward for a sub.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 16

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 7:20:59 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

OP,

Each of you has a right to happiness but you have to find the partner who shares your desire, not make one.

I helped BSB plant her first garden, tomatoes, basil, thyme, and green onions. Is that vanilla enough?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 8:04:06 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

scour the boards for links to articles, books and read. only you can decide if it is working for you. your ad states you are looking for subs/Doms to talk to about the lifestyle and yet you have a Master. ..find out if any local groups...munches and such and attend...

i started looking over 10 years ago at a much older age after having had 'nilla' relationships. i played on/off with Doms...as i was not interested in a partner or being in it 24/7. i have walked away several times trying to figure out the dynamic of 'nila' and BDSM world. only you can figure it out what will work for you and talk to your Master.

when you are new and exploring one can get caught up in the whirlwind of it all..

i belong to a group on MSN....and just love this...about taking a dip in the reality pool...i don't know who to credit for it but i think it rings true.......

For those of us who came of age in BDSM in the computer age, there seems to be some discrepancy between the realities and the fantasies of this lifestyle.

1. "You do have rights. You have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it's time for a dip in the reality pool."
2. "No one can keep up a 24/7 lifestyle for long without a break for comedy relief, and a swift dose of kids, family, work and car problems."
3. "No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priaptic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order."
4. "There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Domming is going to make it go away."
5. "A chainsaw is not a sex toy."
6. "Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it."
7. "There *is* going to be a time when you don't feel like having sex. It *does* happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it."
8. "24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is."
9. "There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well."
10. "No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Safeway isn't exactly a statement."
11. "The distance is not insurmountable. It is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things."
12. "Eventually, you're going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it."
13. "Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you're into, or be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis."
14. "You really don't need another flogger. What you need is a new microwaves and a pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag."
15. "People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner."
16. "Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog."
17. "If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you ain't gonna get it."
18. "Just because you call yourself a slave doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do."
19. "Don't believe everything you read, especially if it comes from John Norman."
20. "Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one."
21. "Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday."
22. "Safecalls work. Use them."
23. "There are things you won't do. Trust me. Maybe you just haven't been asked to do them yet."
24. "This ain't always all about sex. Don't expect to get a nut every time you play. Then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory."
25. "People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. You will get hurt non-consensually sometimes."
26. "Your Dominant is not a mind reader."
27. "Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it's just until she changes her mind again."
28. "The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa."
29. "An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be."
30. "Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along."
I hope you've enjoyed your dip in the reality pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and don't drip on my new parquet floors.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 18

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 8:11:41 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crimsonvampyrss
I have very little experiance in this new world I find myself in. I recently got a Master and Ive had two scenes with him. Im getting into this well but I find myself needing Vanila. Is this normal for a submissive to want in the begining? And also my Master has changed slightly now that I'm his. Everything we talk about is lifestyle and there is no "normal" conversation, I feel in need of some normaility and find myself confused by his answers and his constant switches back to BDSM related things. Is he blatantly ignoring my need for normality, or is he simply being the natural dominat that he is and trying to help mold me more.

I realise the second question might not be so simple to answer

Your questions are hard to answer because I don't know the extent of your relationship. You mention that you have only had two scenes with him. Is scening the full extent of the time you get to spend together? Have you spent any time with him doing just day to day stuff, going shopping, walking through the park, watching movies together, anything? If the only time that you are getting together is for the purpose of scening, that might be why it would appear to you that he is so lifestyle focused. If, on the other hand, you spend lots of time together and you can never talk about how your day was, what's your favorite breed of dog, what your goals in life are, etc...then I would suggest that you the two of you should talk to each other to see if you are both looking for the same things. I guess what I am saying is that what you have said is happening could be happening from a lack of opportunity, it could be happening from a lack of communication, or it could be happening because you are both on different streets....or for a number of other reasons too. To determine what the reasons are and how to deal with them though will require the two of you sitting down and discussing it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to crimsonvampyrss)

Post #: 19

RE: Is he the right Master for me? - 5/9/2008 8:21:12 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1
Quite possibly, he is almost as new as you are with real-life interactions.

That was my immediate hit on it, too. How many relationships has this guy had, BDSM, vanilla or otherwise? He might be banging around in the dark just as much as you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

Post #: 20

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