RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie!

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (Full Version)

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kiwisub12 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 2:17:13 PM)
I understand the problem of discovering the lifestyle later in life - i did - i think you need to talk to your wife and let her know that you have a need, what it is, and that you would like her permission to play. Playing doesn't have to include sex, and if i were your wife i would not want you having unprotected intercourse with another woman if i were still having intercourse with you. Playing outside your marriage doesnt' have to threaten your marriage, if you are honest about it. Heck , take her to a munch so she can see that the people who are there aren't monsters, or really attractive, model types, but people she would see in the grocery store. They aren't in competition for her. If you still love your wife, then running around behind her back is the last thing you need to do. I know of at least 2 couples in my area that are open in this way, so it can work. If you don't know how to tell her - let her read this thread, and tell her that it is you. Well, actually i reread what you said, and that is probably not a great idea. But you get the idea.

BoiJen -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 2:26:55 PM)
It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 2:39:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BoiJen It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread. Answer: You can't. Not really. Consider what quality of partner you will have if you can only be "discreet." Now consider the quality of partner you can have if you are openly, ethically polyamorous. Even if you arrange the pervo version of a regular assignation, it'll feel emotionally hollow. Not a definition of "success" in my book. One thing to consider: kinky sexual urges can get stronger or weaker, depending on other stresses in your life. Job uncertainty, just found your first grey hair, things like that. People feel the need to become more dominant, or to have control and responsibility stripped away. Step back from your immediate feelings and try to see the whole picture here. There's probably more going on than just a repressed wife.

Madame4a -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 4:25:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jm29jm30 You're right, there's a club about 5 miles from my house, but remember, I'm married, have to be pretty discreet about it. I really wish my wife was into it, sucks to be me. I actually just ended a relationship with a 43 married woman who's a Sub for another guy, an experienced Dom, they were on a break. What pisses me off is she never told me about him or entered into our relationship with the intentions for being a Sub. Said she thought I wouldn't understand, she should've known better when she discovered how incredibly perverse I really am. hmmm... and will you be telling your wife about that one and any subsequent women who get involved with you? marriage and lying to your wife about your actitivities (are you lying to her?) is likely just the first two strikes against you... a lot of people are looking for a life partner, or something long term married male submissives always come to me.. and I tell them, if you lie to your wife, and even if you don't.. you'll let me down, it will happen because you're married... maybe you should rethink your strategy -- work on your marriage or work on your divorce

JohnWarren -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 4:26:59 PM)
Within a few miles of you there are several munches, a Lifestyle Learning Center, at least two organized groups and a couple of professional dungeons open to the public. There are also more submissive women than I can shake a whip at. HOWEVER, unless you come to a meeting of the minds with your wife or get divorced, all of this might as well be on the far side of the moon. You may think she isn't going to find out. She will. I've been in the scene for almost half a century and I've seen people in your situation come and go and EVERYONE who did more than dabble and run back to his marriage has seen his world vanish in acrimony and accusations.

Wantstocontrolu -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 7:37:32 PM)
Married and playing on the side is the first way to NOT earn anyones trust... sorry

califsue -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 8:59:54 PM)
i do think you can find subs that are looking for married...BUT... i also agree with kiwisub and JOHNWARREN's advice. while many people are looking for relationships not everyone is. i have seen quite a few ads/profiles of Married Doms...some the spouse knows and some don't. my guess is that married D's have a smaller pool of candidates to chose from. as an adult if you make the decision to proceed without your spouse's knowledge then you also know the risks that come with that decision and only you know what you may gain or lose by making that choice. in the past i have played with Married D's and i chose them due to circumstances in my life at the time. it allowed me to learn/explore and such without establishing a emotional connection and for me that was good. it was all that i wanted and needed at the time. communciation and expectations are key. if it is someone you play with on a consistent basis one thing you will come to realize is that a bond does begin to form...and then you have to be careful that you do not send mixed signals if you have not told your spouse...because then you could be in BIG TROUBLE....again....comes back to being responsible and facing up when those decisions bite you in the behind....and the risks you are willing to take....and only YOU can make that decision [sm=danger.gif]

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 7:48:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BoiJen It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread. I've already done that, don't need anyone to tell me how.

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 8:00:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu Married and playing on the side is the first way to NOT earn anyones trust... sorry You can if they're married too, already had that with one relationship. Many of you need to look through another's eyes before you make judgements. Not all of us are as mistake free as all of you, we made our beds, so to speak, and now have to make the best of a tricky situation. Things tend to work out for a reason, even if they end badly. I wish I had the foresight to see that I made a mistake in my marriage, thought I could suppress my urges and desires, but It only got stronger, now I have to live with that mistake. Don't you all realize how much better it and easier it would be for me if I could get my wife into this lifestyle, that would be my first choice.

SailingBum -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 8:03:52 AM)
Well since your such a good cheater... Im sure you will figure out how to be a fanfuckingtastic dom BadOne

akisha -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 8:43:17 AM)
Well I guess if you have decided that you want to persue a future of cheating on your spouse, then you might try a website that is geared soley towards such a purpose. I do not condone it but you'll find people wanting to cheat on here tend to get slammed you might want to look up ashleymadison.com They have late night TV commercials

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 9:19:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum Well since your such a good cheater... Im sure you will figure out how to be a fanfuckingtastic dom BadOne thanks for your vote of confidence!

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 9:22:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha Well I guess if you have decided that you want to persue a future of cheating on your spouse, then you might try a website that is geared soley towards such a purpose. I do not condone it but you'll find people wanting to cheat on here tend to get slammed you might want to look up ashleymadison.com They have late night TV commercials tend to get slammed, you think so! I have a thick skin, and I never judge others, so let the self righteous attack all they want.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 9:32:50 AM)
It's not self-righteousness; it's reality. To be in control of another, you need to be in control of yourself. You aren't. You are putting urges (which you managed to suppress for years, while single and uncommitted) before commitments and social risks. If you had said you didn't need to be "discreet" or you had said your wife knows and at least accepts, if not approves, it would be different. Why are you kinkier now than you were five years ago? You are not driving the kink. The kink is driving you. That is unlikely to end happily ever after.

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 9:51:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 It's not self-righteousness; it's reality. To be in control of another, you need to be in control of yourself. You aren't. You are putting urges (which you managed to suppress for years, while single and uncommitted) before commitments and social risks. If you had said you didn't need to be "discreet" or you had said your wife knows and at least accepts, if not approves, it would be different. Why are you kinkier now than you were five years ago? You are not driving the kink. The kink is driving you. That is unlikely to end happily ever after. Nobody has control, it's an illusion. The only thing we humans can do on this planet is conquer the fear of realizing that we're not in control or that some may have more control than others, either way, we're all out of control in some respect. If you want to get into philosophical discussion about control, I'm game.

BoiJen -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 10:02:48 AM)
I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you found out your wife was cheating on you. Not just cheating...but advertising how successful she is at it, to boot! I can't imagine that you'd feel like christmas morning. I think, and I know I'm not the only one, that it takes a shit kind of person to do what you're talking about doing. And before you go on about giving up your life...obviously you're willing to risk that anyways. And you are not the only person who's ever had to give up their lives. Go ask everyone in the LGBT community who's families don't speak to them...go travel to a couple of countries where it's not okay and find out how quick they could loose a job for being out...AND they're honest about who they are anyways. You're a bottomfeeder dude, and there's no repspect that comes with that...much less "submission."

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 10:53:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BoiJen I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you found out your wife was cheating on you. Not just cheating...but advertising how successful she is at it, to boot! I can't imagine that you'd feel like christmas morning. I think, and I know I'm not the only one, that it takes a shit kind of person to do what you're talking about doing. And before you go on about giving up your life...obviously you're willing to risk that anyways. And you are not the only person who's ever had to give up their lives. Go ask everyone in the LGBT community who's families don't speak to them...go travel to a couple of countries where it's not okay and find out how quick they could loose a job for being out...AND they're honest about who they are anyways. You're a bottomfeeder dude, and there's no repspect that comes with that...much less "submission." I'm not the one who started the discussion about being good at cheating, I never made such a statement, read the thread. Too many morality police here. Also, thanks for not judging from a person who likes not to be judged about their sexuality. You know nothing about my situation, nor do I about you, but thanks for your opinion, I'll take it with a grain of salt. Wow, I'm so happy to find so many open minded people here!

BoiJen -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 10:57:15 AM)
What I know about your situation is what've shared here. Which says nothing about her having lied to you from go about kinky. Time to stop being a child about your responsibility here. You have a responsibility to yourself and your wife...that's why you took vows remember? You get to be honest. And then she has a choice to deal or pack. That's what any relationship is about. BTW I never said I wasn't judgemental. I just pointed out instances where people have been the "bigger man" compared to someone like yourself.

uniquecouple2123 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 10:57:23 AM)
Why cant you get a divorce?

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/13/2008 11:03:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BoiJen What I know about your situation is what've shared here. Which says nothing about her having lied to you from go about kinky. Time to stop being a child about your responsibility here. You have a responsibility to yourself and your wife...that's why you took vows remember? You get to be honest. And then she has a choice to deal or pack. That's what any relationship is about. BTW I never said I wasn't judgemental. I just pointed out instances where people have been the "bigger man" compared to someone like yourself. How do you know I haven't already discussed this with her, and got a look like I had four heads, being judged by your own spouse is not fun, you still have to see that person everyday when they have no acceptance or understanding of what you want and need. I'd rather engage in this with my wife, but she won't change, so have to.

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