Safe words for "tone it down" (Full Version)

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switchtosub -> Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 11:53:14 AM)

OK, so here's my question: There are safe words for panic and hard limits. Playtime is immediately terminated. But are there safe words for "Don't you dare stop, just tone it down a bit 'cuz it hurts a little *too* much"?

The reason I ask is that safe words haven't exactly worked for me in the past. I have a permanent disability from a Dom who was seriously trying to kill me. So I'm about as skittish as it is possible to be. But I've finally found the relationship I want to pursue, and it frustrates the HELL out of both of us when I can't verbalize that I'm enjoying things but maybe we need to slow down because I can feel panic starting to rise. I don't want to stop, I just need a moment.



Asherdelampyr -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 11:53:59 AM)

Green is good
Yellow is slow down
Red is stop



LilMissHaven -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 11:54:47 AM)

I've always prefered the stop light method mentioned above.



CalifChick -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:04:47 PM)

Why do you need a special word?  Why can't you just say, "can you slow down a little please?"

Cali



switchtosub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:06:09 PM)

Oh DUH!

Thank you. Sometimes I'm so dim I wonder how I got to be a successful professional.

So for the times I reach a nonverbal state, I've been trying to figure out a nonverbal "tone it down" cue that's non-ambiguous. Screaming is verbal, and tends to be a mood-breaker...



switchtosub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:09:45 PM)

quote:

Why can't you just say, "can you slow down a little please?"


Well, because by the time I've got that all out, I've passed the panic point and we both get frustrated. I can usually only get a single word out now and then during sex/playtime when I'm a sub anyway. Must be a state-of-mind thing.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:12:52 PM)

Keep it simple. green for go, red for stop and yellow for tone it down.



CalifChick -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:13:39 PM)

For non-verbal, try a hand signal.  Rapidly opening and closing your hands to get his attention, dropping a ball you've been holding, then once you have his attention, another cue for slow down... maybe index finger up, the way you motion "one sec" to someone?

The reason I said to just say "slow down" is that once my focus is pulled onto needing something changed, I come out of the non-verbal state. Sorry, I wasn't thinking it might be different for you.

Cali



Asherdelampyr -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:14:35 PM)

this may or may not work, ive never tested it... but professional wrestlers actually use pinches and light slapping
light slap is back off a bit
pinch is OH SHIT!



CalifChick -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:26:34 PM)

Okay, I thought of something else, because it's something I actually did once.  I know some signs in American Sign Language.  One of the signs is "no", and I used that on someone once when he asked, "do you want me to continue?".  When I signed "no" (which uses one hand), he laughed and said, "what does THAT mean?".  You would have to practice to make it second nature to you.  I use it with my kids all the time, so I guess it IS second nature to me.

Here is the sign for "slow".  It's a two-handed sign, which wouldn't work if your arms were secured down.
Here is the sign for "no". As I said, it's a one-handed sign.
Here is the sign for "yes".  Another one-handed sign.
And here is the one for "stop".  It's a two-hander.

Cali







AquaticSub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 12:58:36 PM)

Yup. If you don't like the traffic light system, make your own. Safewords are just shorthand for longer phrases. Figure out what works for you, be it "yellow", "Cookie Monster" or just "Hey, tone it down jackass!".

Well, I don't suggest the jackass part, but I think you get the idea. [;)]



abcbsex -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 1:53:43 PM)

If I need a breather or it's getting too intense (but I want it to keep going), I shake my head "no" but do not say anything. It's something that kind of evolved in our play so Alpha reads it the way I intend, though it might have to be discussed with your dom in advance.



switchtosub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 3:17:53 PM)

I do like the ASL signals, but using them would involve buying more mirrors, because my hands are usually secured out of sight behind me... not that we would *mind* using more mirrors. And hand signals have some interesting implications for using in public, too. Thank you!



gypsygrl -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 3:21:20 PM)

quote:

"Hey, tone it down jackass!".


Or, "Yo! Dude! Lay off the tits!"

Yeah, I yelled that once. Talk about a mood killer.  Heh.



BoiJen -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 3:51:08 PM)

I'ma smart ass and have been known to go "SDS! SDS!" which means "same damned spot!" MsK gets excited and happy in Her space with Her pattern and forgets that I'ma small boi who needs variation. Other than that I haven't ever called a safeword. Please remember if you're waiting until you're at panic you're the one who didn't signal first. Not to be harsh, but it's your fault at that point for not communicating appropriately.

Also when it comes to stuff like this, "he tried to kill me" doesn't fly for people who've actually been around. So please don't rely on that. Especially when that person isn't here to defend themselves. If you went through something traumatic for you and you're not yet in a place to be able to communicate in a scene then you're not ready to scene again. Period. It's simple as that. To say or act otherwise is mostly a diservice to the person who thinks you're ready to play and ends up getting let down repeatedly.

Yeah I'm the hard ass with the cold hard truth about what you're saying.



DreamyLadySnow -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 5:57:56 PM)

Screaming is a mood-breaker?
Haa haaa haa not for everyone!

I use the red/green/yellow with one addition:
If I'm going hard and they're grooving on it, yelling PURPLE lets me know that everything's cool.
Also good for making heads turn at play parties. Purple? WTF? hee hee


LS



switchtosub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 6:02:18 PM)

quote:

"he tried to kill me" doesn't fly for people who've actually been around


You don't know the whole story, so I'll cut you slack. Short version: He went to prison for killing his next girl, who was only a teenager. He was in turn killed while in prison, which enabled me to start using my real name again and re-contact my family, because he'd threatened to kill me and my family if I ever tried to leave him.

Jeezus, what a downer. He was an asshole and I'm glad he's dead, and I don't say that lightly.

All that was almost thirty years ago. It is high time I learned to play again, ready or not, and I am truly blessed with a patient and understanding Master. We're still figuring out how to play without opening up all the old scars. I don't even know what all my triggers are until something happens, which is why we need clear signals. Just reading various threads has taught me all sorts of stuff it would take me too long to figure out on my own.

Peace, friends.



BoiJen -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 7:32:33 PM)

So you've got no problem sharing his name so that I can look up his information? Thanks.

Sorry for being sceptic. Oooga booga scary stories don't cut it for me.



khem -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 8:14:13 PM)

Yellow is pretty standard.  But really, interesting things do sometimes happen if you bite your tongue (within the limits of your own safety) and don't use it.  I mean, yes, he brings out his rotweiller.. Red!  But if it's just safe but intense pain, maybe try going past it and seeing what happens?  When I have played with people who have safeworded and I ask them about it, it's usually "I was concerned that you would eventually get too hard and I would not be able to take it"  Not "it got too hard and I couldn't take it."  Notice the difference? 

Not what you were asking, but I couldn't help but tag the rest on.



switchtosub -> RE: Safe words for "tone it down" (5/12/2008 8:16:52 PM)

quote:

So you've got no problem sharing his name so that I can look up his information? Thanks.

Sorry for being sceptic. Oooga booga scary stories don't cut it for me.


Certainly, once I get to know you a bit better. It's not something I share lightly.



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