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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:08:47 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel

My question to you all is: How in heavens name does one meet a suitable Bdsm-partner without having to plunge into the Bdsm scene?
Anyone has the same experience or maybe a proper solution?

In my 13+ years in the lifestyle, I have never been to a munch or meeting. I have been to clubs before, but never looking for a partner, just to enjoy the music. I dont avoid them persay, I just dont have much of a draw to them.
I have met all my partners on here. Both were beginners and not steeped in the "ways of BDSM" *laugh*
I have no interest in costuming or protocol. The boys have their rules, but thats about it. I do admit to enjoying my equipment, but thats becaue I have fun with it and some of it started out life as props for the photography and just BECAME toys.

Patience and contact are all you realy need. The "right" person will be around, eventually. It doesnt happen over night. How interested are you in being Dom again? Is it somehting you need, or would you be just as happy in a vanilla relationship. Sometimes, looking for a sub/slave is difficult and simply a submissive minded vanilla woman will do.

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:10:25 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel
Interested like I am in the emotional and personal aspects, they were more like: Let's get down to business! To be honest, they didn't even seem to care much about who I am, what I stand for as a person. It apeared to me as a rather shallow ''game'' without to much genuine emotions. They were more interested in 'technique' rather then what it's all about for me, that precious connection of mind, body and soul.
This is also another reason why I don't like this scene.

Now that is a different issue entirely...and one that I can not say is any more prevalent inside the "scene" than it is outside of it. Unfortunately it is more an observation on humanity or society in general in my mind. There are far more people in the world who are shallow in the sense that they are very "moment" oriented....and as long as they are happy in that moment they don't take the time to do the work that would bear happiness in the long haul. Also take into consideration that many, many people aren't looking for anything more than casual interaction that doesn't require any deep commitment, self work and awareness, patience, restraint or other effort on their part.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:16:13 AM

Oergevoel

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Deurne, Holland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It's similar to what you found in a lot of places-all about playing. Then they make a big deal about how you are too stupid or irresponsible to learn any "technique" on your own, and you will have to put up with thier bs learn stuff you can find on the internet anyhow.

I think I attended one workshop on fireplay a long time ago, everything else I learned on my own. And even the fireplay thing was something I already knew from a switch girlfriend I used to have. One thing these people tend to be really short on is D/s and the deeper aspects of it. Especially the respect and commitment parts.

You're catching my drift here.....
I had a similar experience in a meeting.
People were tied up in discussions about how to tie the best knots in a rope, which one was the most estetical and such.... To me, this is NOT what Bdsm is about!

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:20:10 AM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel

So I guess I'm a bit of a strange Dom and not being a standard Bdsm-Master.

No, you are not a strange Dom. At least, not from this description and not from my experience with Dominant men. The very first Dominant man i was involved with, the one who brought me into BD/SM and who became my husband, had no special equipment, at all. He used whatever happened to be around the house, including wooden hairbrushes, bobby pins and hair clips, neckties, scarves, a thin twig from a tree and, so forth. And, the other Dominant men, i have been involved with, had just a whip and maybe a few other assorted items that are specifically made for BD/SM activities but, not a whole dungeon of equipement.

And, not one of the Dominant men, i have been in relationships with, ever wore any sort of fetish-style clothing, no leather (other than a simple bomber jacket), no black (other than a pair of dress slacks), no big boots (other than for hiking or for military duty). None of them were 'into the scene' and we had very satisfying relationships that included BD/SM, along with many other enjoyments and pusuits.

quote:

My question to you all is: How in heavens name does one meet a suitable Bdsm-partner without having to plunge into the Bdsm scene?
Anyone has the same experience or maybe a proper solution?

This has always been difficult for me, especially since, like you, i have never had any interest in munches or clubs. In fact, i look at them much like i look at going to a 'singles bar' to meet someone -- i really don't want to get involved with someone who enjoys that sort of thing. i have used personal ads and web sites, both vanilla dating sites and also kink dating sites. Luckily, i found out about CollarMe 2 1/2 years ago and got my profile and pictures up the same day and about 2 weeks later i met my Master here and have been deliriously happy and content ever since, serving Him as His 24/7 slave.

About the only advice i can give is to just put yourself out there, on sites like this one and even vanilla ones and be honest about what you are looking for and be patient.

joy
Owned servant of Master David

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 5/14/2008 8:25:04 AM >

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:23:51 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel
They were more interested in 'technique' rather then what it's all about for me, that precious connection of mind, body and soul.
This is also another reason why I don't like this scene.

I will say not to tar the whole scene with that small brush though. My Own experience of the scene differs greatly.

Whilst yes I do attend at least one club most months and do oft play when there... even those club nights are more about the social side of the scene, mixing and chatting to like minded people, than about the fact that they have different equipment that I will occassionaly take advantage of whilst I am there.

Sure there are playbunny types who are simply interested in the 'techical' play side of things.... Mostly I have little to do with those. But then London has a huge scene. The people I mostly socialise with at clubs, munches and events have a wide range of different dynamic styles, they are from all sides of the Dynamic... mostly though they are good communicators and much discussion comes from looking at the different ways things are handled within the range of dynamics and styles.

My girl and I did see each other out on the scene before We actualy got aquainted properly but hadn't actualy talked properly. The fact We where both 'known' out there did mean there where some things We could assume and other things easily checked out... it resulted in both meeting properly for the first time with a little more confidence than would have been the case where We meeting someone totaly unknown.

It can be a useful tool... like most things though it isn't the only way to achieve the result you are looking for, just if the scene isn't a place you will step out onto, then it maybe harder to find what you seek.... you just accept that with the choise you make.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:24:01 AM

Oergevoel

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Deurne, Holland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel

My question to you all is: How in heavens name does one meet a suitable Bdsm-partner without having to plunge into the Bdsm scene?
Anyone has the same experience or maybe a proper solution?

In my 13+ years in the lifestyle, I have never been to a munch or meeting. I have been to clubs before, but never looking for a partner, just to enjoy the music. I dont avoid them persay, I just dont have much of a draw to them.
I have met all my partners on here. Both were beginners and not steeped in the "ways of BDSM" *laugh*
I have no interest in costuming or protocol. The boys have their rules, but thats about it. I do admit to enjoying my equipment, but thats becaue I have fun with it and some of it started out life as props for the photography and just BECAME toys.

Patience and contact are all you realy need. The "right" person will be around, eventually. It doesnt happen over night. How interested are you in being Dom again? Is it somehting you need, or would you be just as happy in a vanilla relationship. Sometimes, looking for a sub/slave is difficult and simply a submissive minded vanilla woman will do.

DV

So I'm not the ugly duckling after all?

Patience will be the thing to practice then and I already do it for some time.
I actually do have a vanilla relation with a more or less submissive minded woman.
She however is no sub, and never will be. On my turn, I'm happy about that.
To me, that is completely a different league, another category of emotion.
Another kind of love, maybe is a better description and I could never become her Master.

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:31:30 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel
I had a similar experience in a meeting.
People were tied up in discussions about how to tie the best knots in a rope, which one was the most estetical and such.... To me, this is NOT what Bdsm is about!

Maybe that is where the issue with the ''scene" lies for you. And that is ok. I view it differently as I see it as that is exactly what BDSM is about. Actions. Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism. In the "scene" I value discussions where sharing knowledge about how to safely or differently participate in those actions.

I think that I do understand where you are coming from. That aspect of the scene does not allow for the emotional aspect of this "lifestyle" which is the primarily important aspect to you. I wholeheartedly agree and feel the same way....it is the most important aspect to me also. But I don't see that aspect as being inclusive in BDSM. To me, that aspect falls under the D/s or M/s part of this lifestyle.

I have found that there is a little of everything out there in the communities....and if you take the time to look about a bit you can indeed find exactly what is appealing to you. While you may "only" want to align yourself with those who wish to concentrate primarily on the emotional aspects....I prefer to seek out more of a blend, attending or associating with those who are "action" focused AND those who are "relationship" focused. They are both there.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Oergevoel)

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:41:53 AM

Oergevoel

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Deurne, Holland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oergevoel
They were more interested in 'technique' rather then what it's all about for me, that precious connection of mind, body and soul.
This is also another reason why I don't like this scene.

I will say not to tar the whole scene with that small brush though. My Own experience of the scene differs greatly.

Whilst yes I do attend at least one club most months and do oft play when there... even those club nights are more about the social side of the scene, mixing and chatting to like minded people, than about the fact that they have different equipment that I will occassionaly take advantage of whilst I am there.

Sure there are playbunny types who are simply interested in the 'techical' play side of things.... Mostly I have little to do with those. But then London has a huge scene. The people I mostly socialise with at clubs, munches and events have a wide range of different dynamic styles, they are from all sides of the Dynamic... mostly though they are good communicators and much discussion comes from looking at the different ways things are handled within the range of dynamics and styles.

My girl and I did see each other out on the scene before We actualy got aquainted properly but hadn't actualy talked properly. The fact We where both 'known' out there did mean there where some things We could assume and other things easily checked out... it resulted in both meeting properly for the first time with a little more confidence than would have been the case where We meeting someone totaly unknown.

It can be a useful tool... like most things though it isn't the only way to achieve the result you are looking for, just if the scene isn't a place you will step out onto, then it maybe harder to find what you seek.... you just accept that with the choise you make.

I understand (always have understood) the diffence in level, experience, dynamics, but possibiities for meeting others as well, as far as clubs, meetings, etc. are concerned. I see the advantages you've mentioned but still feel reluctant.
But until today, I have always thought that there would be fairly no chance at all to meet a suitable partner without visiting them. Although my own personal experience showed me otherways, the last 2 years have given me that idea.
I'm more or less relieved now, since I've read so many ideas and thoughts about this subject and to learn that it is no big 'must' to visit them. Perhaps it takes more time, more patience, but I'm more convinced now it will be rewarded someday.

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 8:49:55 AM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

But I don't see that aspect as being inclusive in BDSM. To me, that aspect falls under the D/s or M/s part of this lifestyle.

This is true from my perspective, as well, which is why i separate BD/SM (Bondage&Discipline/Sadomasochism) from D/s or M/s. To me, they are separate, although, certainly, the two often go together. In fact, all of my relationships (outside of the strictly vanilla ones i tried) have always had both but, they are still separate issues, to me.

And, while i enjoy BD/SM activities, for me, it's the D/s aspect of the relationship that is most important. i can go without BD/SM activities, if need be but, i must have the D/s. Just like, i can go without sexual activities, if need be but, i must have affection and touch.

joy
Owned servant of Master David

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 2:31:49 PM

daddysliloneds

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of all places, i met mine on alt.com

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/14/2008 5:04:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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We're not out. The only black leather I own are in shoes and handbags. His are shoes and dress belts. Mainly we live in sneakers and casual clothes.

He doesn't call me bitch or slut. I don't go "Yes MasterLord UberDom". We're more honey and sweetie. We walk hand in hand still. But I like being tied up and he likes tying me up. And I prefer someone else takes the lead while he prefers to take the lead. Way I see it, it's still a power and kink relationship. And it's still working great five years in. Which, after all, is the bottom line.

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/15/2008 2:11:53 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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i have never met a partner through "the scene" and none of my partners were ever an active part of the public scene. However, most of my partners have attended munches or demos in the past.

i see joining a munch group and attending demonstrations like going to school. Yes, lots of people meet their partners at school. A lot of people don't. Yes, learning in a classroom setting is totally different from learning on the job or years of work experience. But you get better jobs by learning in a classroom first.

This is just my personal point of view. When i attend munches, demos or other "scene" events, i consider it the same as if i were attending school. Period. i don't have to go to the prom, i just show up for class and learn all that i can. If it's not a subject i'm interested in, i don't go.

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RE: Where do I fit in? Or do I even want to? - 5/15/2008 6:40:08 AM

ViceVersa

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
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Hi Oergevoel,

Here's something that I posted on another thread (http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240649/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#1849421) that worked for me and may be helpful for you (eliminating the munches and play parties, of course):

Oddly enough though, the woman I've been dating over the last year or so was pretty much vanilla when we met. However, after our third date I figured she might be developing a complex because I hadn't come on to her in any way, so I decided to come out to her instead. I explained:

- that I was kinky,
- the type of kink I liked,
- the fact that I considered it to be my sexual orientation
- and that I wasn't into "converting" people but I'd be happy to answer any questions she had

She had many. I gave her some books (When Someone You Love Is Kinky, Different Loving, S&M 101), took her to munches, took her to play parties, etc. and it was maybe three months before we ever played or were sexual at all. She could have walked away at any point and that would have been fine with me. The time wouldn't have been wasted. In the end, she's been pretty enthusiastic about it and has a talent for rope. :-)

The "third date" thing seemed to work pretty well because we'd been out enough to know that we enjoyed each other's company and yet we hadn't invested so much that we couldn't just walk away.

Vice

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