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Orgasms and Other Things - 10/19/2005 10:14:28 PM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I've been in the community for about four and a half years now. Due to some personal circumstances, I stopped having regular penetration orgasms around the end of my previous relationship. I used to have them consistently before then, and now I do not. Thanks to a very loving and understanding connection with my Master, I learned that it wasn't about the orgasm, but about how much fun I had being with him and enjoying our time together in bed. I learned that an orgasm was a special thing to work for, and we would work on it a few times a month, as it took a lot more time and effort than our other sexual escapades.

This, however, is not the point of my post.

Whenever I bring this up among my BDSM friends (and it comes up in different circles, different occasions, etc), they all stare at me in shock, unable to comprehend a S&M sex life without the orgasm. It reminds me of those same people (mostly online) who tell me that the ascension into "subspace" is the most important part of playtime and if I'm not doing that, I'm obviously not doing it right.

I guess, what I'm getting at here, is that no matter how open we are about our sexuality, free to express our desires to beat or be beaten, bleed someone or be bled, tie down, hurt, abuse, and then sensually caress, we are not so open that we can understand normal hurdles and obstacles. The shocks and stares I receive when I say I cannot come to orgasm without a significant amount of time and psychological (not to mention physical) effort are sometimes more unbearable than the quirky looks I get when I express the desire to have my vaginal lips sewn together.

Before I make this too long, so that no one will wish to read it...

Does anyone else have these experiences? Are there any answers as to why this is the case? Any thoughts, or comments?

~K
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/19/2005 11:35:04 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenWithaTwist
I guess, what I'm getting at here, is that no matter how open we are about our sexuality, free to express our desires to beat or be beaten, bleed someone or be bled, tie down, hurt, abuse, and then sensually caress, we are not so open that we can understand normal hurdles and obstacles. The shocks and stares I receive when I say I cannot come to orgasm without a significant amount of time and psychological (not to mention physical) effort are sometimes more unbearable than the quirky looks I get when I express the desire to have my vaginal lips sewn together.


Probably the best thing to realize is, that no matter how open-minded, kinky or experienced one is, there will probably be something that shocks him or her.

To me the mark of a civilized person is not to show the shock and definitely not to criticise whatever it is that causes the shock unless there is a valid reason (for example safety concerns).

Unfortunately, there are a lot of uncivilized persons around.

Of course, I don't know how they are expressing their "quirky looks." For me, a lot would depend on how you expressed the situation. If it was "I can't orgasm," I might tender a few opinions of how you might manage, but if it was "My play is not orgasm-driven," I'd probably nod and keep my opinions to myself.

After all, someone's style of play isn't any of my business unless the person wants to play with me.


_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
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RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 12:43:50 AM   
Phoenxx


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline 		Sometimes people do not understand that different is not bad.. it's just different. I would have to ask what kind of loks you are getting? That you take a long time to orgasm shouldn’t mean much… heck we all have different times and things that turn our cranks. Have you explained why you suddenly (at least that is how I am reading your post) started to take a long time or do not orgasm? You said:
“Due to some personal circumstances, I stopped having regular penetration orgasms around the end of my previous relationship.”
Did these people know you before and are shocked at a huge change? Could the shock be worry over a medical condition? Or even shock at the reason you have changed? While you have the right to not tell anyone here what happened… that could be the reason for the shock. They may be more shocked at that then anything else.
When I divorced my ex wife, many people were shocked that we had any problems at all. Many stopped talking to me because of the divorce. I went on and kept the friends that talked to me and found new ones. And a few friends that had disappeared over the course of the marriage showed up again.
Almost any time you have a relationship ending, for what ever reason, there will be shock. When details of the break up become public there may be more shock.
Tony


(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
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RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 3:57:37 AM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		No, none of my friends in this case knew me in my previous relationship.

*Sigh* I meant this to not be a me-question, but somehow it turned out that way anyway. Oh well.

(in reply to Phoenxx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 4:13:03 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Hey Kitten - one thing I have to do is ask exactly what you mean - I am assuming the question isnt about no be able to orgasm and the whole concept of that, but rather than the question is of why people who are involved in BDSM still have signs of shock on certain subjects?(sorry - having a bit of a moment - lol)

Peace and Love


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
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RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 5:31:00 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		I do have to agree that you don't need an orgasim to have fun. Infact, even sex can sometimes be to emotional to have after a fun and kinky session. Some subs and masochist have to wait to be out of sub space before being able to enjoy sex or have an orgasim. So even if there wasn't orgasims or even sex after the session, well, it was still a fun session. Some people don't look at the spankings, whips, and floggers as sexual turnons but rather be turned on by there strong dom who is ready to discipline and be in control.

Any how, I'm sure you'll continue to discover what works best for you with BDSM, sex, and having orgasims.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
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RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 5:47:33 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		People in bdsm have exactly the same sexual hang-ups that people in vanilla do.


(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 5:49:54 AM   
sinbetweens


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline 		In vanilla relationships, a lack of orgasm usually means that your partner is not paying attention to what you need or that there is a communication problem between the two of you, I've found. They're concerned that your needs are not being met and that your partner is inattentive. Most of the time, this is simply because they don't understand the desire for that kind of experience. Assure them that you're not looking for an orgasm, and that you are being well attended to.

Rhapsodizing on the endorphin rush of being tied up and flogged will shut them up, as well. ;)

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 5:55:18 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		If this was all about having an orgasm every single time there was an encounter I'd be in trouble. Everyone is different. I guess I would *shock* some people. What matters is the feelings, the fun, not the orgasm.


(in reply to sinbetweens)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 7:33:14 AM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		We are who we are. If you and your Master are accepting of your new circumstances, that's all that it needed. If it makes you feel better, there are a lot of women who don't "get off" that way. I am an example. I have a combination lock, so to speak. I know the combination and I share it when I teach someone. :-)

I also know slaves who just aren't interested in their own pleasure. It's an act of service to their owners. Some are permanently altered for this (done by their own decisions before they were owned).

You can be trained, with work and a mindset that you WILL do it, to orgasm like that again. You can even be trained to orgasm on command. But, it's not necessary if you don't want it.

As with all things, if you are happy with who you are, it doesn't really matter what others think.

Fire


_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 8:27:36 AM   
Rommel


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		to FangsNFeet,
I see you enjoyed Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. Hard to forget a movie like that one.

Regarding the topic of this post..

I feel that Orgasms come from an experienced lover who is not only "Able" (that means the lover clicks with you in a certain way) but is also deeply into pleasing you in the right way. With that said, you have to do your part and that is to think selfishly, focus, and above all trust. Not to mention, perhaps practice a little more than twice a month.

Best of luck..

(in reply to MistressFire70)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 8:44:58 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I've always been highly amused when I hear people talking in lowered voices and in a state of shock about others not having orgasms. Orgasms are great when and if they occure. Personally, it's like penetration, it is the icing on the cake and nothing more. from a diabetic view too much icing is not good. However for more years than I care to remember, I've practiced as part of my Pagan Faith, sex magick in a wide variety of ways including kundalina and other tantric practices. One of the earliest techniques I was taught and is one of the most powerfull is to orgasm internally. The energy release is not blown into the æther about you but remains inside. It is a mind blowing experience and according to my partnets it is extraordinary for them too. Outside the Lifestyle, I get more fun out of pleasing a partrner and bringing her not just to orgasm, but to submission. If I use penetrative sex it's just for my fun after but really not very important, I have what I want - a woman on her knees, nakid and willing to do my bidding.

Warning! Warning!
I'm wearing my flame proof undies and a kevilar condom so feel free to flame, it may keep me warn on these cold nights.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Rommel)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 8:59:32 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		Thank you, FangsNfeet! This is a little off topic for this thread, but I think you hit the nail on the head on a related idea.
quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

Infact, even sex can sometimes be to emotional to have after a fun and kinky session. Some subs and masochist have to wait to be out of sub space before being able to enjoy sex or have an orgasim. So even if there wasn't orgasims or even sex after the session, well, it was still a fun session. Some people don't look at the spankings, whips, and floggers as sexual turnons but rather be turned on by there strong dom who is ready to discipline and be in control.

Oh boy, I am all excited!! Seriously.

You know how people differ about how what we do is related or unrelated to love and/or relationships (as used in vanilla sense) ?
It looks like you really gave some insight into that.

I differ from your view, I am a -- I don't know what to call it. A love and passion player? Lifestyler? Emotional edge player? -- Whatever.. Right?

OK: For some, sex is too emotional after a session. For others, sex is part of the session. Sex is the session. No seperation. It is all one.

The emotions, relations, sex can then form a whole which encompasses "is" an entire relationship... with (my preference for me) or without romantic love. That "sessions" "play" "love" all that are not contradictory, but are needs and/or desires that may appear to contradict, but do only contrast... and all go together. Its passion as one. <ouch, my brain hurts, this is hard to explain>

As you wrote: some don't want sex until out of subspace.
I looovvveeee (no overstatement and will do almost anything...oh oh, another topic) sex during subspace.

Third; YES, it is the Dom who is in control that is the turn on. It's all about him (her, hir, whoever). The toys are tools, but not the focus.

From what you wrote, and I do hope what I added, can help explain where some of us are different? Maybe we can see other view points better?

Anyway; I get it now! TY, TY!
sincerely, fawne

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 9:50:21 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		kitten,

I do not think it is all that unusual>
The focus of a submissive is generally on pleasing her/his "D". Oftentimes that will come in conflict with the "org".

I simply do not think your friends are being 100 % straight with you.

There are reasons of course but I will not make this as long a reply as your post could have become.

CP

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 10:01:27 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello There,
My Master would not let me touch him from his knees to waist for three months to get the point that BDSM is hand in hand with sex, but not about sex on it's own two feet. The power exchange of BDSM play does not require penetration or orgasms to be mind blowing and incredible.
I've been a sub/slave for 7 months ans have only felt the remote feeling of sub space once & it had nothing to do with pain or impact play. It came when I was serving my Master in something I didn't like or want for me, but was willing to do just for him.
Orgasms are not part of my reasons I like S&M. While I do prefer sensual stimulation and orgasms from touching my pussy during play, I still think some of my hottest scenes were ones whare my pussy was not touched at all.
To me it's not the get off or sub space. It's about the trust, respect, open communication and energy exchanged during my encounters that are what I think matters most.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 10:37:19 AM   
Phoenxx


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenWithaTwist

No, none of my friends in this case knew me in my previous relationship.

*Sigh* I meant this to not be a me-question, but somehow it turned out that way anyway. Oh well.

Ah ... I take it you meant weird looks about being "into" BDSM... we do get some people who avoid us after they find out. However, most have more or less shrugged their shoulders and asked a few questions…
For the last year and a half we have been holding “Wings and Trivia Nights” every two weeks at a sports lounge. When we first started going there I was up front about who we were and what we are like. One of the lines I used was : “We are the ones your mom, priests and teachers warned you about.” They seemed to be ok with it.
Now if we miss couple of times, they tell us they miss us. During special events they hold, there is always a table set aside for us on the weekends we are there. Heck, some of them are even starting to ask about coming to the B&B Ball, or how to get some of the toys. And yes, we do bring some toys for show and tell sometimes.
When a couple of the cross dresser in the community showed up, there were a few funny looks… however, one of the vanilla regulars anonymously bought them a drink…
Some people will always be freaked out. Others couldn’t care less… and some will freak you out LOL
Tony

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 10:43:55 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64

To me it's not the get off or sub space. It's about the trust, respect, open communication and energy exchanged during my encounters that are what I think matters most.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne


hi plantlady :) Thanks for sharing your experiences with your master. Sounds intense!

I agree in part. Especially about the respect, trust etc as above.

For myself : The sub space is an entrance, an opening to my core. It is his actions/being/etc. that lend not solely to pleasure, but to his greater control.
Only he has access. It is a tribute to his power.

"getting off", I adore and appreciate, but yes, it is a gift to me. He has that power, to control, "give". my lusts and passions I experience, but do belong to him, are owned.

That I enjoy it is "the icing on the cake" to quote Ironbear.

Thanks, Kittenwithatwist for starting this thread. Wish you well :)


(in reply to plantlady64)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 10:51:59 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

After all, someone's style of play isn't any of my business unless the person wants to play with me.



I agree but would add "or with anyone I own or am in an intimate relationship with."

Being too orgasm focused I think can drain intimacy of its fun for both men and women. Fox rarely has orgasms with me. He doesn't ask, just goes with the feelings and enjoys them and I rarely want to get him off. Of course I also don't restrict what he can do for himself by himself so he's not lacking in orgasm. When we have sex, its about me, me, me -- one of my little perks of being the owner in my mind. But still if I am focused on having an orgasm that's a good way to not have one.

Just relax and enjoy what you do. If others feel the need to express their disapproval, stop sharing sexual information with them.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 11:16:13 AM   
Kasia


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline 		If I dont have sex with orgasms regulary I turn into arguing bitch. But thats me.
If you are happy without orgasms who am I to judge you? I may internally think its ok or not ok, but I am happy as long as you are happy. And I am never shocked, I may be disgusted with something but never shocked.
I think I have seen too much in my life to be shocked with anything anymore. In fact I find being shocked and showing it equals being rude.

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Orgasms and Other Things - 10/20/2005 11:32:35 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Does anyone else have these experiences? Are there any answers as to why this is the case? Any thoughts, or comments?


As to why people display "shock" and other unsavory reactions to your orgasm difficulty, I can only speculate that they haven't been taught adequate manners.

However, I would also venture a guess that there are far more women who have difficulty achieving orgasm than are willing to admit it publicly. But you are not alone. Despite the fact that intercourse is immensely enjoyable for me, I have difficulty with orgasm, myself. Always have. Probably always will. But there are toys and techniques that work small miracles in that area and, while I do not have an orgasm every time we have sex, I DO have them every time Master wants me to have one. In fact, we've come to enjoy the inability/denial phase of our sexual play, simply because when I DO get to that point, it's violently explosive, and He gets off on it. Especially when it's been a month or more since I've been permitted/made to cum.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 20
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