Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Questioning your Master/Dom


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Questioning your Master/Dom Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 12:35:48 AM   
daddyspooka


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/28/2005
Status: offline 		Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 1:13:53 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		No they shold not.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 1:55:31 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		If I felt that I could not ask my Dom a question out of fear of being punished then I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him!

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 2:44:19 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		No...but it shouldbe done at the right time. "timing is everything"

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 3:49:32 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldn't want a Dom that didn't allow me to ask questions about our lifestyle. That doesn't even make any sense to me. And to be punished for it just shows no respect at all for the submissive.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 4:10:07 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		There's an intense discussion in the Gorean forum right now about this. My view is that a slave has to be able to ask questions freely; in fact, I really can't imagine any other kind of relationship between two human beings. Sometimes the question may not come at the right time, or it may not be phrased appropriately, but eventually a master has to answer any question a slave raises. That doesn't mean the master has to give the answer that the slave wants; it certainly doesn't meant that the slave is the master's equal; but it means that if masters want their slaves to be the best slaves they can be, they have to allow the slaves the chance to ask and learn.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 4:12:07 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Communication is an essential ingredient of any working relationship and D/s or M/s is NO exception! Even if you're new to the lifestyle, you're over 40 and I'd hafta think as a mature adult, your instincts are already telling you this....

I'd assume you're not asking in a rude or disrespectful manner nor at inappropriate times, so any "dom" that'd punish you for asking is a walking red flag and most likely has something to hide.

As an aside, my idea of an "appropriate time" for general communication is anytime we have the necessary privacy and when I'm not actively dominating her. With that in mind, she can ask me *anything* - and she'll get the best answer I can offer.

Focus.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 4:27:35 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		"Don't ask? Don't tell."

Naw, that only applies to the gay rights of sailors in the U.S.N.

For the rest of us.......Please, do ask, question and communicate, for how else can we grow together?

Punishment is usually a result of not asking and doing something really stupid, like putting too much horse raddish on a roast beef sandwich!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 4:56:12 AM   
pastplayingames


Posts: 50
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka

Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.


Punished for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with him -- NO, and would indicate to me that the 'Dom' possibly doesn't know what he is doing and is afraid of being asked a question that would reveal this....the illusion of his persona might fall apart.

Punished for continually badgering with the same question and not accepting the answer -- perhaps, depends on the those involved and how they choose to deal with it.

quote:


Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?


Yes, it would: negative reinforcement.
And, as so many others have posted, communication is vital to any type of relationship.

My thoughts...
~Christine

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 5:54:54 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka
Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?

"It depends"

Unfortunately, many doms use the fact that "I'm the dom dammit, that's why" as an excuse not to communicate...this eventually erodes the security in the relationship.

However, "Because I'm the dom, dammit, that's why" IS a perfectly reasonable response in a D/s authority dynamic. The problem is when dominants don't realize how to APPLY this appropriately, and the long term consequences aren't the preferable ones.

The reality is that we get into relationships in order to be fulfilled. If you are not being fulfilled and not being allowed to communicate or work together to get fulfilled, then your choice becomes simple.

This doesn't mean you're a quitter, not a "real sub" or don't want to serve and obey well- as long as you're being true to yourself and honestly doing what you can.

As well people need to understand the difference between questioning for understanding and questioning for undermining authority. Many insecure dominants do not see the difference and thus refuse all questions in order to remain in charge.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 5:57:01 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

The reality is that we get into relationships in order to be fulfilled.


ES - we've been talking about this all over the place. It must be the week for lack of fulfillment. And numb people.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 5:58:31 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

The reality is that we get into relationships in order to be fulfilled.


ES - we've been talking about this all over the place. It must be the week for lack of fulfillment. And numb people.

Sadly people so often get into Ds because they feel the Ds alone will magically just work things out. That somehow just having that dynamic will solve the human element problems.

As we see again and again...nothing could be farther from the truth.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 6:37:08 AM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka

Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?

i don't understand why a Master/Dom would not wish his/her submissive to learn and grow. the dynamics of any relationship between two or more people can't be done in the sea of ignorance. we all ask to continue learning. for a submissive to be told questions are not allowed is to have one very confused and wondering submissive, and we get confused enough as it is. we've inquiring minds.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 7:20:54 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I hate seeing these types of posts. You are in a relationship, communication is a necessary part of it. You should not be punished. The only reasons I can think of for punishment would be: 1) you are asking at an inopportune time; 2) the way you are asking. Either of these could've been addressed the first time it happened. Geez. And good luck.

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 7:22:12 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I would agree with Jenny that timing is everything, as it is in any relationship.

Whenever I have something that is potentially difficult to discuss with anyone (lover, friend, co-worker, family member) I wait until it is a private, relaxed time. Then I "ask permission" to discuss. Sometimes it is more "I'd really like for us to talk about X, is now an okay time for you." This indicates we will discuss it -- the time is the only thing the person has an option on. It also gives them a bit of a warning, so they can prepare to react.

In your dynamic, probably a "please sir, can I speak freely" followed by a request to discuss a specific topic, now or at a convenient time might be better?

If this is something you have tried to discuss before and have been shut down, I would look at how you are asking the question. Then don't do it the same way. Think about what you are asking. Is it a genuine question of confusion or clarification? Is it something you understand but don't agree with and want a rationale for? Is it something that has not been discussed at all, and you want to bring it up? Is it a concern you have that you are seeking reassurance on? Think about what you are really wanting and that may help you determine the most appropriate way to ask it in your situation.


(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 7:38:32 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?


If the sub has asked the same question 3+ time (up to 3 is acceptable to me but that is my own limit not everyone's) and asks again, I can only assume they weren't listening the first 3 times. If they aren't listening to me 3 times on the same subject, (or they aren't understanding my explanation, it is their responsibilty to let me know that, as I cannot read minds) they had better be prepared for a punishment. I am not here to be ignored.

If you are a slave (my opinion) vs. a sub then your owner could very well decide that you are not allowed to ask questions.

Perhaps you might consider asking when and how would be an appropriate time and way to ask these questions (maybe you already have). When I am reading for example, I do not want to be interrupted (fire, earthquake, etc. being reasonable times to avoid this protocal) - I have explained this to her, I didn't expect her to know.

To perpetually not answer questions and offer no explanation as to why seems odd to me but everyone's dynamic is their own.

D (owner of j)




(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 7:44:49 AM   
Theslavetrainer


Posts: 75
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka

Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?

It depends on the nature of the relationship. Some D/s and M/s relationships are absolute power exchanges and there can be no questioning. People forget that there are as many types of D/s and M/s relationships out there as there are people to have them. No two may be alike. Just because yours works for you doesn't mean it's the only type out there. And there are people out there looking for an absolute power exchange, you need just peruse the profiles on here it find them.

If the submissive is asking the same question over and over and no matter how one explains it she still asks the same question, then even the most patient of Master/Dom would say enough is enough. This, to me, is a sign that she won't trust, not just that she doesn't.

Also, if the submissive has been in the relationship for a long time, say two years, then what should she be questioning? By this time she should be more than clear in understanding the relationship. If she is still questioning after being in the relationship for a while, then I think, again, she has trust issues.

I see from the previous views that people may not agree with this point of view but that doesn't make it wrong, just wrong for them.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 8:14:50 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
The reality is that we get into relationships in order to be fulfilled.

Actually I'm restating/clarifying this:

We get into relationships because we feel they will make us more fulfilled in who we are than we would on our own.

It's perfectly possible and advised to be fulfilled in one's self with or without a relationship.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 8:31:49 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..~smiles~

Agree for the most part with Theslavetrainer. Not all dynamics (as we have gathered) are the same. A M/s TPE is more likely to have within it set boundrys that the slave just does not cross be it actions, questioning whatever. The Gorean slave knows these boundrys or they soon learn it often with punishment. But the people involved in these types of exchanges generally know ahead of time (via communication before begging collar) that this is how it is. No piddy paddy cake, no batting eyelashes or soft sexy voice is going to change it..and they accept this completely because it is how They choose to live.


starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Questioning your Master/Dom - 10/20/2005 11:01:13 AM   
Soulhuntre


Posts: 223
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka
Should a sub be punished,by her Master/Dom, for asking questions regarding her D/s relationship with Him.


This is another one of those questions that doesn't have a clear answer. It is also one of those questions that tend to crop up when people are lookign for others to validate their own sense of insult / injury.

The answer is "sometimes".

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyspooka
Have read in many places,regarding the D/s lifestyle,that communication is a vital part of it,but if the sub is continuelly told that punishment is a consequence of asking questions,then wouldn't that keep her from wanting to openly communicate with her Master/Dom?


Communication is vital - but the thing often left out of the new age BDSM movement is that the real concept at hand is >RELEVANT< communication. People, even people in relationships, do not always need to know every little thing there is to know whenever they want to know it.

Depending on the relationship style (and there are many) many types of questions are simply inappropriate. This fact is lost on those in the community who seem to feel yelling "red flag" is a full time job.

If your power relationship is primarily something you do as an adjunct to romance then your questioning purview is no doubt much wider than a relationship where the dynamic is primarily one of power and service.

There are many things that my girls simply do not have the right to question. It is not their place. There are other things they may be allowed to question but I will choose not to supply an answer. In either case, not knwoing the lines or crossing them is a matter that may result in punishment.

And all that is before we even get to issues of timing, tone, phrasing and acceptance of a delay in answering or an answer they don't like.

(in reply to daddyspooka)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Questioning your Master/Dom Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109