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Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:27:41 PM   
tiara2000


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/3/2008
Status: offline 		What would you do if your Vanilla Relationships found out about your non-vanilla life?  Is it possible for this to happen and how possible?  How do you feel?

Can a potential employer/interviewer do a 'name-search' and find the many diverse incarnations of you on the web?  Is there a Profiles-R-Us or Man-hunt database for the Human Resource Department to view for prospects now or could there be in future?  Do you feel your rights being stretched to the limit?  Will you be hire-able?  Will anyone?

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:31:20 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		It is 84.422343567% likely that your partner will find out you are kinky and 69.98539835% likely they will dump you because of it....

and did you know 98.54689% of statistics are made up right on the spot?


Squee!!!


MS

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to tiara2000)
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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:32:00 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I just won't work for anyone to whom my wonderful and joyous life is an issue.

That said, idiot college kids with their shitfaced pictures and raunch are told all the time to take that stuff down before they start whoring themselves out to the corporate world.

(in reply to tiara2000)
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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:32:07 PM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		Currently as long as you never post your real name, the only reliable way to find someone on-line and make sure it really is them is through photographs.. (hell what do I know, im as out as it gets)
Im fairly certain my boss knows that my tastes run a bit more... extreme? then his do (he asked me what project I was working on, and I replied with "A collar", he then inquired as to what pet would need a 1k link collar :P)

So I guess I would do what I did when they did find out... nothing, its my life, and my dcisions... and as long as you are following all applicable laws/work policies, they cant do anything about it without potentioally opening themselves up to legal repercussion (as far as I know)


_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:33:30 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Yes, if one bums around the net anyone can find them just using google and the right names, usually.  Then there is the additional option of background checks (which in turn give more names, sometimes, for them to google... more people to talk to, etc).

From the personal answer, though:  I'm already "out" about my "non-vanilla" life, it's never been a secret.  Some friends and family and bosses over the years don't know, but it's not for keeping it secret -it's always been because the subject hasn't come up yet.

I'm not looking to be a kindergarten teacher or other such where anyone would care if they knew, employment-wise, and friends and family I only keep in my life as long as they're a positive, healthy addition.  So whoever stumbles on me that already didn't know isn't a worry to me... those who know me as more than the barest passing acquaintance would nod their head and say "not surprising" anyhow lol.

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Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:35:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It could happen, but they'd have to work at it.  And if they worked at it, they'd have to do some explaining as to how and why they were working for it.

Can it happen?  Sure.  Will it happen?  Most people really aren't that interesting enough and too stuck into their own lives to care.  The ones who don't tend to create drama in their live anyway so it's just another outlet for that.

How do you feel?  Depends on the person.  Some peoples lives really would be messed up.  Mine?  I'm pretty darn out and casual already, so it wouldn't be that much of a change.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:36:38 PM   
Skully7000


Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		Vanilla Relationships found out about your non-vanilla life?

i assume you mean "family and friends who are not in the scene" if you are talking about cheating on your wife or husband etc... well good luck with that...and you might as well stop reading here.

as for the rest of it: there is a reason why so many people use "scene" names and don't post pictures and go see pro-dommes etc etc.

Personally I'm pretty open to all but my family... my old job knows i'm a freak... but it was easy to show them the gothic/industrial side of things and not the latex side of things... as for Leather...well I own a motorcycle:)  I'm a punk so that explains the boots all the time and the big leather bracelet with 4 buckles on my arm.

My new job: well I make fetish porn so I'm pretty safe.

this topic has already been discussed to death. but I will leave it at : If you want to keep things hidden there are more then enough ways. I know parents who have furniture that turns into dungeon furniture and a big locked chest that keeps their toys hidden.

the rest is up to you.

cheers
Skully

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:38:33 PM   
cantilena


Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tiara2000

What would you do if your Vanilla Relationships found out about your non-vanilla life?  Is it possible for this to happen and how possible?  How do you feel?

Can a potential employer/interviewer do a 'name-search' and find the many diverse incarnations of you on the web?  Is there a Profiles-R-Us or Man-hunt database for the Human Resource Department to view for prospects now or could there be in future?  Do you feel your rights being stretched to the limit?  Will you be hire-able?  Will anyone?


What would you do if your Vanilla Relationships found out about your non-vanilla life?   

With friends, I've laughed about it and in some cases, found important sources of support.  With family, this hasn't happened.  However, I suspect it wouldn't be as big a deal as we can sometimes make such things in our heads.

Is it possible for this to happen and how possible? 

You betcha it's possible.  How possible?  That depends on how you conduct your life, I suppose.  If you attend munches, have your photo online, and go to sites like collarme at work... I would say your chances of inadvertently "coming out" are very high.  If, on the other hand, you lay low, act prudently and let your private life be private, your chances are much smaller.

Ask yourself the first question, and then modify your behaviour accordingly.  It's not complicated.

As for the database stuff... I dunno.  I rather think most people really don't care that you like to spank or be spanked as long as it doesn't interfere with company business.  At least to the point of developing software to find out anyway.  That's just my opinion, though.  For all I know, KinkFind Inc is out there and in use.... play accordingly.

:)

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:38:58 PM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		Never even thought about the fake name bit... but then im an old school goth, we dont have real names anyway :P (though the receptionist at work knows that if someone asks for Asher they are looking for me)

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:41:53 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If my employer had an issue with what I do in private, then I would simply find another employer. It really is none of their business where I post, what I do or what I am into in my private life. It isnt like I am going around wearing the company logo and handing out pamplets. I am not the voice of my company, and what I do on my own doesnt reflect either way on them. They dont like "my kind" then they can keep me out of the hiring manual. But, with as much as I do AT work, theyd be idiots to get rid of me just becasue I happen to be kinky.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Skully7000)
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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:44:34 PM   
freyjasdottir


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
Status: offline 		Most of my friends know, in fact two of them are on the site.  My boss knows but none of my co-workers and I think only one person at another site though one other might have figured it out.  The part time job I used to work all knew and so do portions of my family. I don't let on to people that it'll offend or hurt.

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 6:49:25 PM   
tiara2000


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/3/2008
Status: offline 		aaaaaaaaaah....i feel so much better...it's been buggin' me....thank you too much! :)

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 8:46:25 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Now if you are spending part of your workday here using the employers internet services and their computers ...then it could land you in some trouble and could result in being fired as some employers due track their employees computer usage


If you are working with children or in politics or work for some church group or some other high profile position  yes there could be risks if found out.....
Other possible problem could be if you have an ongoing child custody battle
One must be careful how much personal info they give to others they meet thru sites such as this as sometimes angry falling outs can result in being outed



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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 8:57:25 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		There are a lot of people who put very personal information (along with their full names) on their blogs, and it's becoming more common a practice for potential employers to Google a candidate's name to see what comes up.  It's something people should be aware of, if they want to keep a private life seperate from their work life.  Also, I read recently about how hackers are hitting blogs now because of the nature of personal information found there.

My friends know about my "abnormal" life and my relationship with Mr. Wonderful, so that's not an issue with me.  I recommend people to consider what sites they go to at work, though, because you can bet your IT department knows where you've been.  Some employers have strict rules about that stuff, while others are more lenient.  Some employers track employees' time at various sites, and monitor them without them knowing, and others actually can put a "sniffer" on them and follow them around, taking screen shots.  Know the rules at your work place, and don't circumvent them.  You can't get around a strong IT department.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 9:18:44 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  Potential employers are well within their rights to do a name search. If you're using your real name, main e-mail address, or a photograph on a fetish site, there is a change you'll be discovered. However, I've learned that it doesn't really matter in most positions. I work in a school and had to do a Criminal background check and a sex offender background check, among other stuff, and they never discovered I was kinky. Unless you were working for the government or with a bunch of internet geeks, I wouldn't worry about it.
  As far as the "BIG GOVERNMENT INTERNET CONSPIRACY" that the tail end of your post was hinting at, I'll tell you what I tell all conspiracy nuts: You just don't matter that much. Unless you're wandering around work swinging a flogger around, they probably don't care too much if you're kinky. The goverment doesn't care. We've all got skeletons in our closets, ours just wear handcuffs.

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"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"



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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 9:19:35 PM   
AllietheKitten


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		I think its not very smart to use your real name online. Hide your profile on CM by creating a different email address that you only use for BDSM and set it up with a fake name. That's what I did. That way there is no connection to my BDSM persona and my r/l persona. In fact, even when I met the local group I gave them my online name, not my real one...at least not for a few weeks. Maybe overly cautious, but if you want to work with the public (politics, doctor, ect) you don't want people to be able to dig up this stuff on you.

As for vanilla people finding out that I'm kinky-I have already told all the people in my life that I care about so it doesn't really bother me. It would bother me if it became public knowledge and I had to defend it to complete strangers but I'm not terribly worried about that either. I mean, I'm not ashamed of who I am and I won't associate with people that try to make me feel that way.

Funny---My 10 year old is starting to wonder why mom has so much rope in her bedroom...I just told her that I may need it to tie things. Then she asked me to tie her up (OMG, my kid's a sub!!!!).

_____________________________

I don't believe in Destiny
Or the guiding hand of Fate
I don't believe in forever
of love as a mystical state
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love and make it last.
~Rush

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 9:24:48 PM   
lalbobbilynn


Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		i choose to use my real name, nevertheless, as others have said, i have not disclosed to family and friends simply b/c such a conversation has not come to pass. When it has (by a brave few!), i pull no punches, and get straight to the point. When i am explaining things i do, or have done, You can see the persons face contort, as they hear me, yet try to "act" like they don't want to listen. i stop mid-sentence and ask what is their relationship like??? >>> Turn about is fair play! As they explain their annual missionary sexcapade, i act like i am choking on whatever libation is at hand, contort my face, and state how "abnormal" such a concept is to me! Usually, they pick up what i am laying down.
As for an employer, i agree with LA. 
In the event said company were Vegan's shall i be let go b/c i go buck wild over a nicely cooked steak?  If a possible employer tried to make me an unappealing candidate based on my sexual preference alone, and had the inane gonads to say it to my face, i would volley back with the bluff that i was wired!
b.~

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 9:25:33 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		I would hand them another flavor of ice cream and say see baskin robbins had more than one flavor .Work and personal life is seperate , do you job do it well and never the two shall meet .Or do as i do and work for yourself .Sure i get pissed and fire myself but i always seem to be rehired .

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiara2000

What would you do if your Vanilla Relationships found out about your non-vanilla life?  Is it possible for this to happen and how possible?  How do you feel?

Can a potential employer/interviewer do a 'name-search' and find the many diverse incarnations of you on the web?  Is there a Profiles-R-Us or Man-hunt database for the Human Resource Department to view for prospects now or could there be in future?  Do you feel your rights being stretched to the limit?  Will you be hire-able?  Will anyone?



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 9:56:33 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		Given that I'm quite particular about making sure I don't out myself, I think the odds of people finding out inadvertently are not high; I suspect that it would be a major issue for my employer if it became public knowledge, because I can't do my job while fighting off veritable hordes of kinky womenfolk at the same time.

They'd have to hire a bunch more security guards just for me or some shit like that, and that's a pain in the ass no matter how you slice it!

Actually, in all seriousness, I make a very concerted effort not to out myself, and for a few very good reasons which I will decline to discuss.


_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

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RE: Being found out - 5/15/2008 10:41:42 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I'm out on a national level. If you google Master Fire, my website pops up on the first page. If you google my given name (the name the employers would have), the first 19 hits are me, most dealing with my lifestyle related book (Hey! It's for sale on ebay! I've made it BIG time!), but some dealing with my professional life (before returning to school). So, it's going to depend on how openminded or how little places care about my personal life. If they care and don't want me because of it, I'm better off not being hired at all.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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