RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (Full Version)

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kiwisub12 -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 2:38:01 PM)

my parents have never shared with me what they do behind closed doors.
I don't know what position my co-workers like
The waitress at the restaurant Sir and i frequent doesn't feel that she needs to share her sexuality with us before taking our orders.
The bank teller has never divulged wheither or not she has pierced labia.

Does this make them two-faced?  No, it makes them sensible.    and so am i. 



Arrrchibald -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 2:58:04 PM)

Hardly. 

I live 4 "lifestyles," each with their own mutually exclusive stereotypes.  And I rarely bring up one lifestyle while in the company of another. 

Minding my own business doesn't make me any more deceitful. 



MissMorrigan -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:00:47 PM)

I do believe that was the very point I was making, Arrrchibald.



Missokyst -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:05:54 PM)

Ewwwwww... I don't know who you hang out with, but I sure don't want to hear any discussions about my neighbors, friends, family, random person I talk to occasionally, sex life.
YUCK.
How tacky.

However, someone who would, does seem to have a huge ego.
And are judgemental beyond belief.  I wouldn't want to hang out with that kind of person.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars.  [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m20.gif[/image]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:07:30 PM)

I don't think they are more apt to be two faced, but people seek out and engage with others in a sub culture on a regular basis generally only when they feel they aren't getting much out of the mainstream culture readily available to them.




DominantJenny -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:14:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea
But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars.  [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m20.gif[/image]


I am famous for my honesty among the people who know me. I'm honest not because I'm a bad liar, but because I choose to be. I am, in fact, a very good liar. I'm medium in-the-closet, because I have children to protect and my spouse worries about his job, but my close friends know and some family.



cantilena -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:22:43 PM)

To me, being private means being private.  It's a pretty simple, straightforward preference that doesn't necessarily indicate anything else about me. 

Are you confusing the meaning of the term "two-faced"?  Although I find the words rather juvenile, I've always equated the concept behind them more to hypocracy than to simple reserve.  So, using your scenario:

quote:

(snip) ...if you parents want to know where you spent the last 5 hours last night (and it was at a BDSM club participating in a munch or event). (snip)


If the person says they were out at a club with friends and leaves it at that, I'd call it acting with a normal reserve.  If the person, on the other hand, is a card-carrying member of Jesus Against BDSM Perversion and does/says the same thing... then that's "Two Faced".

Lastly, I'd like to point out to you that "desire to keep one's private life private" and "dishonesty" are completely different concepts as well.



MissMorrigan -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:49:19 PM)

You are misquoting. You have replied to me, yet quoted and tailored your reply to someone else.



cantilena -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:54:52 PM)

My apologies.

I clicked the "Post Reply" button located at the bottom of my screen and used the quote function to insert the relevant comment.

No offense intended whatsoever.



MissMorrigan -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:57:01 PM)

I wasn't offended, Cantilena. It's easily done. I gave up trying to quote multiple people in the one post b/c I got into such a mess!



SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 3:58:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: PanthersMom

why should we be called two faced?  that's downright insulting.  just because we don't do everything in our lives out on the front lawn or in the middle of our town's public square doesn't mean we're two faced.  does everyone have a private and a public life?  i think everyone does.  so why does that make the kinky two faced and not every living person? 
PM


I'm not saying that just because you're a BDSMer that you're two-faced.  But doesn't it tend to require more skills at duplicity, when you're a closetted kinky person?  Like those that are successful and good at keeping their kink a secret, wouldn't they be more skilled at the art of duplicity overall, and be more apt or tempted to use it in other areas of their life?


wouldnt this make most people two faced? i mean i dont think many go around discussing "oh my mable, howard and i did it missionary style for 15 whole minutes last night.  pass me the lemon please for my tea."

i think not discussing your sex life just makes you.....well......normal.



cantilena -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:00:58 PM)

Thanks. I'll get the hang of it... eventually... hopefully...

:)




MontrealPhoenix -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:06:29 PM)

So, let me get this straight: just because i don't go around telling everyone i know and meet that i'm a slave i'm two-faced?
 
Well i don't have this deep need for that information to be out there. I could lose my job if my bosses knew i'm kinky and my family could not deal with that. So i keep it on a need to know basis.
 
Truly i'm puzzled as to how you came to that conclusion. I don't understand your view that people keeping their kinky side a secret from everyone means they are liars. Please explain.
 
phoenix



chickpea -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:14:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

So, let me get this straight: just because i don't go around telling everyone i know and meet that i'm a slave i'm two-faced?
 
Well i don't have this deep need for that information to be out there. I could lose my job if my bosses knew i'm kinky and my family could not deal with that. So i keep it on a need to know basis.
 
Truly i'm puzzled as to how you came to that conclusion. I don't understand your view that people keeping their kinky side a secret from everyone means they are liars. Please explain.
 
phoenix


Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.



Arrrchibald -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:24:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

I do believe that was the very point I was making, Arrrchibald.


Was a fast-reply, not aimed at you. 



mzbehavin -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:26:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: PanthersMom

why should we be called two faced?  that's downright insulting.  just because we don't do everything in our lives out on the front lawn or in the middle of our town's public square doesn't mean we're two faced.  does everyone have a private and a public life?  i think everyone does.  so why does that make the kinky two faced and not every living person? 
PM


But doesn't it tend to require more skills at duplicity, when you're a closetted kinky person?  Like those that are successful and good at keeping their kink a secret, wouldn't they be more skilled at the art of duplicity overall, and be more apt or tempted to use it in other areas of their life?


No it doesnt, i would disagree with that. Also, one persons "duplicity" is another persons discretion.  



vield -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:38:33 PM)

I am not sure where this is coming from, unless it is an attempt to slap BD/SM folk for their interest in BD/SM on a BD/SM site, but if it is an honest question from one seeking to understand, you are getting a lot of good input.

There are "closet" types in all diversities of lifestyle and sexual orientation, and if a person is "closeted" to me it means they are chosing to not share aspects of their needs or desires with the general public. There is nothing "two-faced" about chosing not to share one's intimate personal information. In fact that is an aspect of consensuality, which is the key element in MY definition of BD/SM.

The degree of openness in the BD/SM community seems considerably greater than that in any other community I know of. I am not sure if this is primarily due to the in-depth detailed conversations and negotiations we find necessary to safely persue our needs, or if it is more due to the number of discussion and social groups we have helping us to learn, or if there is some other group of reasons, but in fact it is true.

Just look at the number of people of all adult ages, genders and preferences who open up here on CM to share their thoughts and intimate facts of their lives with total strangers.

We all know that there are decievers and manipulators hiding behind key boards pretending to be what they are not in virtually all on line sites of any focus, vanilla, kinky, or even non-sexual. These folks usually do not find a welcome in the real world BD/SM community no matter what their bra or jock size may be, once they are recognized.



angelikaJ -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:50:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.


According to your logic (if I understand) being honest if one was vanilla, means telling your mom that you spent the evening making love/screwing/fucking...what have you ...if you had sex with your "guy" and she asked what you did last night because any other answer would not be 100% truthful???

Here is another aspect to consider...if you choose to tell your mom what YOU do...in doing so you are violating the other person you are involved with's privacy...and you may be crossing a boundary of the person you are telling...in this case Mom.

There are many ways of answering that question without getting into specific details.
"We  went to a club and saw some friends."
"We met up with some friends at a social gathering.."







MasterFireMaam -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:53:27 PM)

No, I think you're generalizing...or haven't spent enough time outside of the BDSM community. We are a microcosm of the greater society.

I will say, however, that I feel people ONLINE are more apt to be two-faced...at least to your face. Even when you know them real time, something about being behind a persona apart from the person seems to allow for more catty behavior. Or, perhaps, since I'm more oriented toward the written word, I just see it here more?

Master Fire



camille65 -> RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? (5/17/2008 4:54:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea
Like if you spent 4 hours at a BDSM club last nite, and your mom or whoever asks you where you've been with your girlfriend, and you say that you were at a bar,  that makes it like you are pretending to be vanilla when you're not.
 That isn't lying. You spent last night tied up, hot wax dripped on you and then words scratched into your skin. You started out playing in a dungeon then you wound up on a guys St Andrews Cross in his basement with a merry time had by all.In the morning your mother asks what you did last night. Do you say verbatim what you did or do you say you went out to a club and met a guy? Or this one. You spent last night watching a marathon of Pinky & The Brain while eating popcorn. You drank 2 beers and 1 glass of water before you finally went to sleep, a merry time had by you on this quiet evening.In the morning your mother asks what you did last night. Do you say you ate 562 kernels of popcorn, 24 ounces of beer and 8 ounces of water while watching the most superior of all animation?Or do you say something like ' I watched tv'.  Do you see that it is okay to not say every detail and still not be a two faced person or a liar?Not everyone wants every single detail from you.Typically when someone says 'Hey good morning, how are you?' that is in invitation for a casual response but not for the state of your bowel movement, current body temperature & freckle count.



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