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More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 11:58:52 AM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline 		Just wondering if the people that feel like because BDSM has to be hidden from the public, feel that closet BDSMers tend to be more skilled at being two-faced in general and are not a good group to date from? 
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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:02:56 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Doesn't everyone have facets that they keep hidden from 'the public'? Just because I keep my style of sexual activity behind doors doesn't mean it has given me a one upmanship in the art of duplicity.

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:03:17 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
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From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		I'm only allowed two faces ....

fuck



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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:24:38 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

I'm only allowed two faces ....

fuck




LOL

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:32:51 PM   
wisteriaV


Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		Umm if we are allowed only two faces what about the voices?

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:35:25 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Doesn't everyone have facets that they keep hidden from 'the public'? Just because I keep my style of sexual activity behind doors doesn't mean it has given me a one upmanship in the art of duplicity.


That's true, everyone has secrets, some are more justified to keep a secret and some are just harder to keep in general.

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:36:38 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		There's a major international chess tournament going on right now.  I had it up in the other window.  Several of us were sharing comments about an interesting game.  I don't post my chess comments to this board, because I don't want to bore everyone to death.  Does that mean I'm chess-two-faced?

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:37:29 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wisteriaV

Umm if we are allowed only two faces what about the voices?


LOL

Oh yeah, let's not forget about that. 

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ummRE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:41:45 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
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From: Los Angeles Area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

There's a major international chess tournament going on right now.  I had it up in the other window.  Several of us were sharing comments about an interesting game.  I don't post my chess comments to this board, because I don't want to bore everyone to death.  Does that mean I'm chess-two-faced?


Only if you say decided to bore everyone to death. and then lead someone to believe that someone is winning or losing, when that wasn't the case. 

< Message edited by chickpea -- 5/17/2008 12:42:20 PM >

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RE: ummRE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:50:45 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I am not making myself clear.  I don't discuss chess here because it would be socially inappropriate.  Are you regularly in social situations with vanilla people where they ask you for details about your sexual practices?  Most people aren't.  Prying into things like that is considered rude.

Let's say your mom asks you, "Do you still like getting hit by men?"  You could answer something like, "I like exploring past normal boundaries.  I enjoy doing unspeakable things.  They are called unspeakable because it's bad form to talk about them at the dinner table."  There's no need to be defensive or duplicitous.  The person asking is making the social faux pas, not you.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 12:55:41 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

Just wondering if the people that feel like because BDSM has to be hidden from the public, feel that closet BDSMers tend to be more skilled at being two-faced in general and are not a good group to date from? 


Nope.
I've told plenty of vanilla people about my likes!
And some of them seem interested in it.
With me what you see is what you get.
Oh, and I like to shock people too. lol

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:00:21 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Doesn't everyone have facets that they keep hidden from 'the public'? Just because I keep my style of sexual activity behind doors doesn't mean it has given me a one upmanship in the art of duplicity.


That's true, everyone has secrets, some are more justified to keep a secret and some are just harder to keep in general.

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


Not necessarily, some people are are better at using good judgment and knows when it is appropriate to discuss their private life and when not to share every single detail with friends and/or family. I don't see this as being two faced but having decorum and a good sense of discretion and good taste not to be blathering about how hot and wet they get when being hit or bitten.


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RE: ummRE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:05:12 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I am not making myself clear.  I don't discuss chess here because it would be socially inappropriate.  Are you regularly in social situations with vanilla people where they ask you for details about your sexual practices?  Most people aren't.  Prying into things like that is considered rude.

Let's say your mom asks you, "Do you still like getting hit by men?"  You could answer something like, "I like exploring past normal boundaries.  I enjoy doing unspeakable things.  They are called unspeakable because it's bad form to talk about them at the dinner table."  There's no need to be defensive or duplicitous.  The person asking is making the social faux pas, not you.



I guess if you are talking with a close vanilla guy buddy or vanilla girl friend and typically can talk sex or what happened with so-and-so, and this close vanilla friend happens to know your parents, then you have to kind of hide the story of whipping your girlfriend black and blue at the local BDSM club, and then bring her home only to leave her locked in a cage all night.  And then she was totally okay with that push beyond her normally lower limits, because you used lots of aftercare, etc etc...  I mean you'll have to say something different, like "oh we had a rough night but she's okay with it.  I guess she drunk too much at the bar and then decided to just sleep when she got home?" and then like make it like it's just whatever, no big deal.  Or if you parents want to know where you spent the last 5 hours last night (and it was at a BDSM club participating in a munch or event).    Then, of course, you have to lie.  Think all these incidents that come up in a BDSMer's life, can make him very skilled at the two-face. 

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:09:13 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Doesn't everyone have facets that they keep hidden from 'the public'? Just because I keep my style of sexual activity behind doors doesn't mean it has given me a one upmanship in the art of duplicity.


That's true, everyone has secrets, some are more justified to keep a secret and some are just harder to keep in general.

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


Not necessarily, some people are are better at using good judgment and knows when it is appropriate to discuss their private life and when not to share every single detail with friends and/or family. I don't see this as being two faced but having decorum and a good sense of discretion and good taste not to be blathering about how hot and wet they get when being hit or bitten.



I guess if you're a more private person in general, then you'll be less apt to have to be two-faced.  And you can keep your kinkiness a secret by using good discretion...  But I'm talking about the blabber mouth/closet kinksters that say everything, they must certainly be good at being two-faced. 

(in reply to beargonewild)
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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:10:50 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		why should we be called two faced?  that's downright insulting.  just because we don't do everything in our lives out on the front lawn or in the middle of our town's public square doesn't mean we're two faced.  does everyone have a private and a public life?  i think everyone does.  so why does that make the kinky two faced and not every living person? 
PM

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:23:14 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PanthersMom

why should we be called two faced?  that's downright insulting.  just because we don't do everything in our lives out on the front lawn or in the middle of our town's public square doesn't mean we're two faced.  does everyone have a private and a public life?  i think everyone does.  so why does that make the kinky two faced and not every living person? 
PM


I'm not saying that just because you're a BDSMer that you're two-faced.  But doesn't it tend to require more skills at duplicity, when you're a closetted kinky person?  Like those that are successful and good at keeping their kink a secret, wouldn't they be more skilled at the art of duplicity overall, and be more apt or tempted to use it in other areas of their life?

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RE: ummRE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:23:33 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I am not making myself clear. I don't discuss chess here because it would be socially inappropriate. Are you regularly in social situations with vanilla people where they ask you for details about your sexual practices? Most people aren't. Prying into things like that is considered rude.

Let's say your mom asks you, "Do you still like getting hit by men?" You could answer something like, "I like exploring past normal boundaries. I enjoy doing unspeakable things. They are called unspeakable because it's bad form to talk about them at the dinner table." There's no need to be defensive or duplicitous. The person asking is making the social faux pas, not you.



*Claps*

Yes, there is a big difference between being out and being in someone's face or allowing yourself to discuss things when they are not appropriate.

I know we (collective and general) here are from a society that has serious mental issues regarding sex. We try to tell each other what is right and wrong, moral and immoral and yet our media is full of things and promotes this idea that you should discuss sex in all sorts of inappropriate venues such as at work. How does my being poly, kinky, and dominant relate to my research in ancient history or my teaching a western civ class? It doesn't? Nor does it necessarily relate to my spiritual or political beliefs nor is it necessary for my parents to know details about their very adult daughter's private life.

The need to lie about any of this may well be a case of the liar being too wussy in terms of standing up for what is appropriate topics.

I never ask my co-workers about their sex and private lives so why would that be ok for them to ask me about?

If you become a close friend, damn straight you'll find out cause if you come to my house or invite the family out, here we are. But that's the same for professional colleagues too just honestly we don't spend that much time outside the department together cause we all have other things to be doing.

I stopped feeling the desire to lie about anything in my life the moment I realized I had to start dealing with my past if I wanted to be empowered to make healthy choices for myself.

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RE: ummRE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:48:22 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		More apt to be two faced than... what? Some person you met in a bar? Some guy on the internet who's just trying to meet up with you so he can get in your pants and then forget that you existed? More apt to lie than someone with herpes, and is desperate for a fuck so they'll just "forget" to tell you of the risk?

Since when does BDSM hold the copyright on human beings being lying little scumbags?

Don't trust anyone right off the bat... give it time, learn about them, don't do anything high risk until you've seen the results of their blood panel, and they yours. Call around, do Google searches on them. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE.

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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 1:54:26 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea




But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


I don't think most people discuss every detail of their lives with every person they know...does that make them dishonest?
I don't believe so.

Using judgement about who you choose to be open with is just that.

You might think it is appropriate to discuss this with your co-workers or your employer...but they might not feel the same way.

I don't talk about my kink with everyone, because it is just a part of who I am.
I am not being less than honest about who I am because I maintain some privacy.
I am the same person...if you were to meet me on the street or in another setting who I am does not change although your perception of me might.

Also...for me in relation to WIITWD context is everything.


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RE: More apt to be two-faced if you're a BDSMer? - 5/17/2008 2:09:53 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I don't agree with you insofar as a person having to lie to keep their personal business from the outside world. My boy never lies and it's a trait I admire in him. His friends and family know I am a very dominant personality, which they accept, I don't have to label myself to them by stating, "I'm a dominant in BDSM terms." What I find interesting is why a person feels the need to tell others exactly what they get up to... "I had a lovely evening, went to a club with friends" doesn't have to translate as, "We went to a fetish club, I was stripped and whipped and afterwards had my labia sutured together".
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea
That's true, everyone has secrets, some are more justified to keep a secret and some are just harder to keep in general.

But if you're just like completely honest with everything, even vanilla sex, versus someone who's a kinkster and has non-kinky friends and family who can lose respect for him/her if they knew about their lifestyle.  I like to be completely honest and like being with someone completely honest.  But just seems strange at how someone can be closet-kinky and a completely honest person in general.  They must be really good liars. 


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