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Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/18/2008 11:06:36 PM

bcsubgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

as a submissive, i am out looking and one Dominant that contacted me seemed very exciting, and in my profile (not on this site) i had stated that i had an 'ample' figure, as i wasn't used to their system and missed the 'large' selection and their site didn't list peoples weight.

in conversation with him, i realized that he didn't know my true size, so sent him pictures and empahsized i was a BBW. previous to this time, he had been very respectful and said he would 'wait' until i felt comfortable to intoduce any BDSM conversation and keep things vanilla tilll we knew each other, something i told him i appreciated.

well, after my clarification, he expressed concern about my weight, but also said he would consider training me, and moved immediately without asking permission into training me as a pigslut, and talking to me as if i was already a pigslut, and gave me an embarrasing sexual assignment.

i didn't complete this assignment as i was ambivalent, and felt that he broke his promise to be respectful and vanilla until i felt ready for something more, and i concluded the reason he broke his promise was because he decided he didn't have to respect me because of my weight, that i had less value and therefore he could go ahead and take the risk of offended me, because he risked losing nothing of value if i got offended and walked away.. and if i didn't refuse, well he got some entertainment and a 'no strings' pigslut to play with.

it was difficult to walk away, as previously i was very impressed by his intelligence and approach and very interested.. it was also difficult becuase i do crave humiliation and use, but want first to know i am loved and respected... so since i wasn't being offered the respect i require, i had to pass on what i craved.

i just want to hear other comments from submissives and Masters about the situation and my choice, as a way to process this disappointing experience.

note this is not a communication issue. i was refused permission to contact him until i completed the assignment, so was at a stalemate for communication.

< Message edited by bcsubgirl -- 5/18/2008 11:10:52 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/18/2008 11:09:05 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Don't put things in your profile you don't want used?

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/18/2008 11:35:10 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

I hope I dont sound snippy ....but I imagine you would handle it like most any other disappointments you have had in life.....I see that you are 52, so I'm going to assume you had to have gotten through a few things in life.

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(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/18/2008 11:50:06 PM

bcsubgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

different profile on a different site.. and didn't put anything about wanting to be a pigslut in that one... similiar ad to this one.

and yes, at 52 i have experience disappointments before.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 4

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 1:54:18 AM

SephandElena

Posts: 52
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

I've met this kinda person before. I don't care How intelligent they seem. When they promise something, they should deliver that, or worst case scenario discuss the change of plan before implementing it.

I wouldnt' accept that kind of behaviour from a vanilla relationship nevermind a relationship where trust is completely vital.

I may sound rather cold hearted and hard here, but I honestly think you were lucky to work him out as quickly as you did. Imagine if you had gotten into a relationship with him and Then he'd pulled that kinda crap?

It just leaves you open and ready to find someone who Is going to give you both what you need and want as opposed to cutting corners. More power to you.

Seph aka Reb.

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 2:57:27 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

I don't think it is important if the behaviour is considered disrespectful or not in this case. I think it matters that you acknowledged the red flags and used some appropriate behaviour yourself.

Sounds like a good call to me.
faith

:: smiles ::

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 3:04:01 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Anyone who acts so obnoxiously yet declares he "risked losing nothing of value" is telling you the truth - that manners, pride and self-respect etc are not part of who he is; and thus can't be lost.

I don't even wanna know what a "pigslut" is but the real message comes from his timing in introducing it.... He's an arsehole and you don't sound like you need that in your life. Being "refused permission to contact him" is a the easiest of ways out, but I'd recommend blocking him anyway.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 5:38:10 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It doesn't matter what we think...what matters is how you FEEL. Do you feel good about yourself having made this action? If so, it was the right thing to do, whatever the reasons.

Master Fire

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(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 6:32:28 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

The weight issue is popping up because you are sensitized to it.

If you ignore it altogether, then he did something before you were ready for it and you refused to do it. At that point, you had made the decision that it wouldn't work for you.

You're making it more complicated than it needs to be.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 7:20:13 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcsubgirl
i started searching for a Master again, but this time seem to be having much more success as have learned to tell the 'players' from the genuine people in the lifestyle in the intervening months.

quote:

I think that you might want to work on this a little longer because I don't think you have it down quite as well as you think.

From your other thread as it applies here as well and only further illustrates my point.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 8:03:12 AM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcsubgirl
i was very impressed by his intelligence .

Maybe you should reconsider your opinion of him.

CD

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 8:09:58 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

context is missing. What kind of picture did you send him? Is there anyway that he could have constued this picture as an acquiesce to bringing BDSM into the dynamic? Also, since you've recently discovered your submissive side, have you been sending out subconscious signals that you wamt that experience?

did you ask him why he gave you an assigment when you aren't ready to move in that direction?

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to bcsubgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 8:49:58 AM

bcsubgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

great responses everyone.. thank you.

thank you, StephandElana, subsfaith, MasterFireMaam.

yes, i think i did the right thing by walking away, and i figured there would be a few submissives and Dominants too who would see it the way i did.

"The weight issue is popping up because you are sensitized to it.

If you ignore it altogether, then he did something before you were ready for it and you refused to do it. At that point, you had made the decision that it wouldn't work for you.

You're making it more complicated than it needs to be. "

DarkSteven, you really cut to the chase there. you make an excellent point, and i hear you.

mistoferin, when i first started to explore my submissiveness online, i couldn't tell the players, but i always had an instinctive feeling that caused me to avoid agreeing to meet them. then i was contacted by my first Dom, and i could tell immediately he was different, and had no hesitation to meet him, and it worked out very well.. he was everything he said he was and the connection was immediate. unfortunately, it didn't work out into M/s, but not for lack of sincerity.

i did find out that even if i could be confused intellectually or emotionally... you can't fool my gut. i have never agreed to meet a player.. but then have only met 2 Dom's one-on-one in person so far..one for mentoring, one for coffee.

Focus, he didn't say he wasn't going to lose anything of value.. i was speculating that was the reason he felt able to move into giving me orders and treating me like a pigslut without getting to know a bit more about me. it felt disrespectful.

CruelDesires, i do think he was very intelligence. it is just that intelligence is no guarantee of a sincere heart or maturity.

"context is missing. What kind of picture did you send him? Is there anyway that he could have constued this picture as an acquiesce to bringing BDSM into the dynamic? Also, since you've recently discovered your submissive side, have you been sending out subconscious signals that you wamt that experience?

did you ask him why he gave you an assigment when you aren't ready to move in that direction? "

OmegaG, you make some great points.

I didn't give a lot of context or setting, for the sake of brevity. one picture could have been construed as BDSM oriented as i was wearing black lingerie, but it was actually a very modest picture and not extreme at all. yes, i was probably sending out subconscious signals... but he was the one that volunteered to be respectful and vanilla until i it was appropriate.

and he cut off communicaiton by saying i couldn't contact him until i completed the assignment. i actually send a small note that he could have responded to with further clarification, but it was ignored.

thank you everyone, this is helping me process and get rid of any residual regret i didn't comply and and at least see where it went. i don't want to be treated with disrespect, no matter how intense it makes me feel sexually.

it is hard to say No as a submissive, but a necessary skill.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 13

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 8:53:38 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

sigh ... if you want a Dom that will care and respect for you then you do not submit to their orders and demands until they have proven they are caring and respectful of you. that means starting a relationship as though it is a regular vanilla relationship where you date and get to know each other as equals , when you feel that you have gotten to know him well enough and know he is caring and respectful to you then you can discuss and negotiate the details of submission..... not before

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(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 14

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 11:39:07 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

It seems there are a lot of assumptions being made here, by the OP, by the man she was interested in, and by us of the peanut gallery.

BC,

You haven't met this man. I'd find it unlikely that you and he have had the depth of interaction that would permit genuine respect to have grown in the first place. You willingly undertook a training assignment from a man you know superficially, and now you're surprised that it was something you're not interested in? For my part, I don't give assignments to people willy nilly. Perhaps he does, perhaps he doesn't; but his instruction not to contact you until the assignment is completed is your problem, not his. If you genuinely wish to determine if you'd like to continue to work with him, get to know him, etc, then I'd consider you to be obligated to break his instruction to discuss your concerns, and accept whatever punishment he wishes to dole out for breaking his instruction (assuming you can overcome the obstacles.) I do, sometimes, tell my slave "I don't want to hear a peep out of you, until you're done making coffee/cleaned the bathroom/finished packing." If the house then caught on fire, I'd expect her to disobey that instruction, to warn me. You're relinquishing your responsibility to communicate, and using his 'command' as an excuse. Either accept your role in this trainwreck of communication, or simply move on (but do him the courtesy of informing him that you're moving on at least.)

Regards,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 15

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 11:54:51 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

BC,
my answers talks directly about humiliation play, and what works/does not work, FOR ME. there are a lot of other issues going on, selecting, communicating, consent, ect. You are new, so i am only sharing my own limits with you so you can think about them and find your own.
your limits are okay. really.
I, personally, love humiliation play. i have never done pigslut play - a lot of doms just won't go there with a bigger girl. but i have fantasies.
but, the doms who will go there with a big girl are often far to anxious to go there. right away. kind of, ooh, a big girl, we'll do pigplay. for one thing, i don't want to do nothing but one kind of play, every.
for another, i expect more of an attempt to get to know me, and not make assumptions about me based on a photograph. (or other woutward information). that reminds me too much of a dear former sisterslave. she was chatting online with a Dom, things were going swimmingly, until they traded pics. nothing they had talked about up to that point was in the least edgy, very light, getting to know you stuff. Till the guy saw her pic. Then he got very excited and said, 'my, you are a tall girl!" (and she was - over six feet tall). "You could probably fuck my horse without any problem at all!" and my dear little sistersub is going, 'uhm, yea, actually, i think i might have some problems with that!"
I am not judging animal play, i am saying - he had no reason to think she was into that, just based it on her hieght. this is the same thing.
the 'you must be supersensitized comment - my sis was not supersensitized to her hieght. the issue was one doms narrow mind.
for me, i like humiliation, but not until i know someone well. once we know each other, build trust, a relationship, whatever - say anything you want about me, because i know the truth. the truth is this person respects me, likes me, thinks very highly of me. Until we know each other well enough for him to think that way about me, well, then, that is not yet the truth, so humiliation play does not work for me in that context. does that make sense?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 16

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 12:01:54 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I'm not entirely sure what a pig-slut is. Probably something that would be off-limits to me, I'm thinking though, since I have eating disorder issues

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 17

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 12:02:50 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

by us of the peanut gallery.

It's fun in the peanut gallery!

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 18

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 2:17:19 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

LOL ok, call me naive and I don't mean to hijack this thread but... what is pigslut play?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
i have never done pigslut play - a lot of doms just won't go there with a bigger girl. but i have fantasies.
but, the doms who will go there with a big girl are often far to anxious to go there. right away. kind of, ooh, a big girl, we'll do pigplay.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 19

RE: Disrespectful treatment, asking other's opinions - 5/19/2008 3:00:48 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

LOL ok, call me naive and I don't mean to hijack this thread but... what is pigslut play? Kyst

Humilation play/ animal role play having the submissive take the role of a pig. lots of equiptment you can get, just like for most fetishes. lots of web pages/stories on how to get more 'into' the role, make the scene more 'real'. have fun.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 20

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