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Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 4:40:28 PM

ruthfw

Posts: 24
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I have been wondering recently at my own prejudices against playing with someone older than I. I've been fortunate since I created my profile here to be approached by several charming older gentlemen.

Unfortunately, I'm not very comfortable crossing generations. My comfort zone is about plus or minus 8 years from my own age. I squick at the thought of playing with or being sexually involved with someone who was born when I was already, say, in grade school. And I find myself uncomfortable at the thought of playing with someone old enough to be, say, my father.

I've noticed this is different from my husband's behavior; he was really rather miffed when I asked him to limit his activities to women over 21 (he is in his late 30s; I am 35). We do have an agreement that he doesn't play with anyone under 18, for obvious reasons.

I prefer my partners to be fairly cerebral, and somewhat thoughtful. These are characteristics one is more likely to find in an older partner, and it seems most of the really good prospects I attract are older gentlemen.

I have no problem at work telling men older than I am what to do. And I realize that hurting an older gentleman who wants to be hurt carries no stigma. But I still have difficulty with the concept--I think this is perhaps similar to male tops who have trouble overcoming chivalry's laws about hitting women.

I'd be interested to hear other's thoughts on this. What sort of age range do others play with? Have you had similar misgivings and overcome them? Right now I feel I am automatically ruling out the men most likely to be suitable partners, except for the number on their birth certificates.

Post #: 1

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 4:58:21 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Your desires and your interests are your own; no reason for you to change them. Age limits are like all other limits -- you may question your own but, in my opinion, no one has a right to question them for you or to insist you change.

I have an upper age limit of 10+ my own age personally but my lower age limit starts at 18 year olds. Frankly it depends on the maturity and the common interests. I've always socialized with much younger people and since I've lived the same time as them (plus some) I can get their cultural references. Older people though, well, we get into some of the issues you mentioned about family of origins (though for me realistically that would be +41 years to my age cause my daddy was 41 when I was born).

I'm sure there are lots of folks who'd rule me out cause I'm 36 or because I have auburn hair or curly hair or I'm too fat. Whatever! These are all personal preferences and don't we all want someone fairly close to what we prefer?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 2

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:09:29 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

One day Janet Hardy and I were doing a presentation at a Providence, RI, kink shop when a tall, beautiful woman introduced herself to Janet and asked if Janet were interested in doing a scene with her. I guessed her age at about 25 or so, but she admitted to being 19.

Janet politely refused telling her that she wouldn't feel right playing with someone younger than her children. I, of course, piped right up with "I don't have any children."

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that continues even though Libby and I have moved down to Florida.

I've never had a problem with age. When I was in my early twenties, I had a torrid affair with a woman who was in her sixties. She was educated, creative and what she had lost to the years was more than made up with by her other attributes.

Of course now I don't play often play with people older than I... there aren't many people in that group to play with.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 3

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:15:27 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I prefer my partners to be fairly cerebral, and somewhat thoughtful. These are characteristics one is more likely to find in an older partner, and it seems most of the really good prospects I attract are older gentlemen.

This is a rather prejudiced statement. Thoughtfulness isn't measurable in age. Recently, I've been discussing economical and social change with a young woman who is only 18. I certainly wasn't expecting to find a conversation on urban development with such a young woman, but I did. It's a good thing I contacted her in the first place.

And of course, there are lots of older people who aren't so cerebral. I've certainly run into a lot of people that don't think about important issues. Their track stops at work, children, husband/wife, grocery shopping. Things like politics, theology, environmentalism, and sociology don't really matter to them (though they certainly matter to me).

Maybe you can read through some of my forum posts. I'm 22 years old. I certainly wouldn't consider myself boring, or only concerned with shopping (HAH!) or work or my leg hair.

More on topic, sure, age squicks me. It would be weird for me, a 22 year old woman, to dominate a 75 year old man. But I would feel equally uncomfortable attempting to physically control a six and a half foot tall man. We all get squicked by something. I just don't think we should let our prejudices control our lives, nor the lives of others (like your husband, for instance). I mean, if I found someone I really loved who wanted me to physically control him, and was over 7 ft, I would still do my best.

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 4

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:24:41 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

My Daddy/Dom is 22 years older then me. I wasn’t looking for someone older, but I’m sure glad I didn’t let that get in the way. You could be really missing out on playing with someone fabulous by not going with compatibility instead of letting a number get in the way.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 5

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:26:32 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

Have played with...I'll admit to a few that were young enough to be my daughter, I do prefer women nearer my age though and no not because of a weak heart....as for older women I would probably have to go find a shovel to do that........

_____________________________

Those who can make you believe absurdities
can make you commit atrocities.
—Voltaire

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong
—Voltaire

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 6

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:36:59 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

For some reason I've always gotten along splendidly with women in their 40s. It was only this past year when I hit 30 that it even occurred to me that dating/playing with 18 year olds might now be frowned up, but I've never been very concerned about age one way or the other and don't expect that to change. It's always a package deal.

I can certainly understand people who do have specific age requirements, though.

(in reply to WickedKev)

Post #: 7

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:43:12 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

As with everything, go with what works for you. We all have our preferences and we should simply accept them.

Generally I prefer older partners. However, I have relationships with people my age...it surprised me more than anyone!

I find it hilarious when an older male will IM me just saying "You're great, too bad I'm too old for you!"

Now, obviously it's an attempt at them to try and get me to prove myself and get me interested. But it's hilarious that they just discount themselves. I agree with them and go on my way.

Just be honest. I personally just see how a relationship grows organically, age notwithstanding.

We all have our quirks- religion, age, race, financial status, family situation, education...just do what works for you. And beware generalizations, they always seem to bite you on the ass.

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 8

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 5:48:14 PM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I'm a bit picky about age myself. I prefer a man to be between the ages of 30-40 (I'm 22.) Nothing personal against the young guys, but if I'm going to engage in the sort of edgy play that turns me on, I'd prefer to do so with someone who has a decent amount of experience under their belt. Its hard to find guys under 30 with that kind of experience. Older than 40 is sort of a turn off for me (my stepdad is 36, my mom is 42..being with some much older than my parents is something I have a somewhat difficult time with.) However, I do find many older men to be VERY attractive and generally speaking, I get along with them better. My Master now is 36 and I think thats about perfect for me.

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 9

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 7:53:29 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Off-topic post:

quote:

but if I'm going to engage in the sort of edgy play that turns me on, I'd prefer to do so with someone who has a decent amount of experience under their belt. Its hard to find guys under 30 with that kind of experience.

It's a catch 22 for a male dom of any age (maybe female dommes too I don't have any experience with that ;-)

If no-one knows you or you are new, no-one wants to play - out on the edge or otherwise (and I can certainly understand a sub not wanting to do edge play with somone with no experience - I am not arguing against you I am trying to offer someone useful suggestions to the young/inexperienced doms you are talking about). Now I'm sure people with a more outgoing personality than myself have an easier time of it but if I still believe that in general this is a typical experience for male doms.

What I would recommend to the young or inexperienced doms out there is that they get themselves into as many interactive workshops as possible (travel if need be). Get a mentor if you can - get to know some people in your community before choosing a mentor (and just because someone doesn't want or need you as a student doesn't mean somone else won't). Offer to be an assistant or volunteer.

Just because someone else is mentoring you doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking about what does or doesn't work for you (don't follow blindly).

Reading a ton of books is of course recommended too but anything hands on.

D (owner of j)

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 10

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 10:08:32 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Generally I agree that age shouldn'y matter. Y'all know that Neets is 30 years younger than myself and we have a tanfastic marriage. My last slave was 11 years younger than Neets and I collared her on line when she was 18 and had a LDR lasting 3 years. However the social acceptance and even expectation of an age differential appears to vary from location and even country to location or country.

Generally, I've found that Australians don't accept lets say a 30 year age difference if the male is older (They seem to be ok with it if the female is older though ~ Somethig to do with 60 goes into 20 less than 20 going into 60). My experience in the US is that the age difference is accepted especially in the Southern States, but it has been some time since I last visited the US so it may have changed. The UK appears to have no social stigma attached to such relationships and certainly in most of Europe and Asia, it is considered a catch for a younger girl to catch and marry an older man. The belief is that he has maturity and all the overload of testosterone has been done with and the older guys are better company and far better lovers too.

My personal views regarding what I want and why I don't believe it will happen is as much a cultural problem as I've stated here in Australia. Basically the odds are against me here and I honestly can't see us having the finances to relocate overseas although Thailand is looking good. I was seriously thinking about moving to the US but with all the political crap happening thanks to George W B (jnr) and his anti porn laws etc backed by the radical right wing church groups, has soured that situation. Southern Ireland is just too cold for my knees but I do love Asia and the smell of the jungle (Shucks I still miss smelling napalm at dawn but ya cant have everything).

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 11

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/21/2005 10:15:00 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Do I like um younger? ...... yes.
Does a younger one bring out the Submissive in me? Hell No.
So since Switching doesnt feed me, i've learned not to even consider that route. Although there are a few in their 30's that could Top me in an instant.

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 12

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 12:22:00 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
(Shucks I still miss smelling napalm at dawn but ya cant have everything).

Not an unreasonable feeling since we had it and they didn't so that smell usually meant we won.

Of course, I recall mornings when smelling anything in the morning was good because I'd been convinced I wouldn't see another.

I'm a Thailand fan too. You do know that in that wonderful five-tone language they do not have a single word for "dirty old man"? Language tells us so much about a people. [chuckle]

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 12:48:26 AM

ModeratorThree

Posts: 949
Status: offline

quote:

My experience in the US is that the age difference is accepted especially in the Southern States,

Being 95 myself, in a southern state with a profile that mentions I am not seeking.. I have no trouble gathering emails from 18-99 year olds that wish to let me know they are thinking about me and wish me a glorious day/night whatever the time of day may be. They also like to include their resume, typically it includes oral skills ;-)

So, ok.. on the serious side of the OP. Age is a pref. just like hair color, gender or race or whatever else *you* are looking for. I prefer tall obediant men, close to my own age. Race is not an issue, but I will not consider a blonde.

_____________________________

/ If it were me I would ask for a refund.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 14

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 12:51:25 AM

TearCollector

Posts: 108
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

Im not from the Napalm era. But I found the phrase "the smell or Napalm meant we won" not so much differant from the roar of Tomahawk Jet engines to mean " we will win in a minute or two"!!! LOL....

I know.. this isnt the thread for this. Just a stroll down memory lane with Sadam in the Papers!!

TearCollector

< Message edited by TearCollector -- 10/22/2005 12:54:00 AM >

_____________________________

BY conquering jealousy and Mastering forgiveness you will defeat loneliness.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 15

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 1:11:35 AM

janyMJ

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

my Master is 30 years older than me. Actually, he is about a year older than my mum, and a year younger than my dad. But it's strange to think about Him that way, because i absolutely don't see Him as a parental figure.
i just don't believe that age is important. And neither does He.

When we met a good 5 years ago, i didn't know anything about bdsm, hadn't even heard of the term. i was just online looking for someone to fulfill my spanking fantasies and Master told me He could do that, plus a lot more. It was absolutely fantastic to have someone with a lot of experience, introducing me to the different aspects of this lifestyle. Because He Himself had already done so many things, He could also show me the things that weren't a turn on for Him personally, just to let me find out what things i like and dislike. And because i was so young when we met He has aways encouraged me to look for others to play with and experience things with. Really explore my bdsm-side. i am ever thankful for that.
And when we met in person for the first time i was immediately attracted to Him.

The one thought that can bring me down though, is that He is going to die 30 years before i do. But that is way in the future so no reason to think about that yet. And besides, is that a reason not to have the absolute best time now? i will just have to trust that i am strong enough to deal with it then.

janyMJ

(in reply to ModeratorThree)

Post #: 16

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 5:43:53 AM

WalterRego

Posts: 276
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

Seems to be some overlap in answers between playing and relationships. I'm 57 and although often told I act and look younger, since I was looking for a long term relationship, always set my filters on 50 - 60. I wanted to meet someone within my age range. Someone who had the same rich set of experiences in this life as I have, plus with whom I could share common experiences outside of play. If it comes as a surprise to you that age and experience also enhances and deepens play too, then you are far too young to understand the richness of life.

In general I think it enhances life and play to be with someone your own mental, physical and experiential age.

As a corollary to that, though I think of myself as a responsive, experienced and experimental play partner, I'd want any woman who played with me to find me physically attractive and that would apply to my age, physical fitness, body hair etc. etc. Some people my age are physically fit and attractive, others aren't but realistically, that is llikely to be someone closer to my age.

Just playing, I suppose I'd play with a woman younger than that if it came up.

'Course all of this is idle speculation since if I actally tried to play with anyone else (including myself!), Mistress would see to it that I wasn't in any condition to carry it out.

_____________________________

A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

(in reply to janyMJ)

Post #: 17

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 5:56:54 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

contolling a 6 and a half foot man is MOsT wonderful......he even had a brain

my own personal preferences no men over 49, no men younger than well that would depend on their maturity but i think 35 would do it for me. thats a 14 year gap of dominent men,so i think plenty to pick from but after you weedle out the married , the unintelligent, the sadists, the looking/wanting me for the wrong reason...the o/l hng;'s...well it narrows down considerably

quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenWithaTwist

quote:

I prefer my partners to be fairly cerebral, and somewhat thoughtful. These are characteristics one is more likely to find in an older partner, and it seems most of the really good prospects I attract are older gentlemen.

This is a rather prejudiced statement. Thoughtfulness isn't measurable in age. Recently, I've been discussing economical and social change with a young woman who is only 18. I certainly wasn't expecting to find a conversation on urban development with such a young woman, but I did. It's a good thing I contacted her in the first place.

And of course, there are lots of older people who aren't so cerebral. I've certainly run into a lot of people that don't think about important issues. Their track stops at work, children, husband/wife, grocery shopping. Things like politics, theology, environmentalism, and sociology don't really matter to them (though they certainly matter to me).

Maybe you can read through some of my forum posts. I'm 22 years old. I certainly wouldn't consider myself boring, or only concerned with shopping (HAH!) or work or my leg hair.

More on topic, sure, age squicks me. It would be weird for me, a 22 year old woman, to dominate a 75 year old man. But I would feel equally uncomfortable attempting to physically control a six and a half foot tall man. We all get squicked by something. I just don't think we should let our prejudices control our lives, nor the lives of others (like your husband, for instance). I mean, if I found someone I really loved who wanted me to physically control him, and was over 7 ft, I would still do my best.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 18

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 6:39:32 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ruthfw
What sort of age range do others play with? Have you had similar misgivings and overcome them? Right now I feel I am automatically ruling out the men most likely to be suitable partners, except for the number on their birth certificates.

I sometimes enjoy "playing" or scening with men at clubs/parties. I have enjoyed men from 21 years of age, to over 80. A play scene can be tons of fun, as long as you have a partner that you can enjoy (and he can enjoy you). I don't see age being too much of a factor, for "play" alone.

I now seek a "relationship" with a bottom man. His age does need to be somewhere near my own now though. A man 21 is not going to have much in common with me, and a man in his 80s...well, that's no where near my own age (yet). My range is probably wider on the down side, and about 5 going up, as I too feel I'm younger than years, in body, mind and soul. I don't discount the older man, but he has to prove to me that he's as young as me in spirit, before I'd consider anything more than just "play."

K

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 19

RE: Thoughts on playing with folks much older or younger - 10/22/2005 8:28:40 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

For a relationship, I generally keep it at a 10 +/- age range with a little bit of leeway depending on the individual.

With being back in college, I tend to meet more of the younger variety of late, which has it's appeal...for me, it's a lot about being in more or less the same "stages" of life, if you are talking about working on a potential life partnership. Through experience, I've found that "baggage" can be an issue - the more someone has, the harder it is to make things work. Unfortunately I have also run into quite a few older subs lately who do not have their life together and have basically given up on trying to get it together. But I think that's just me lately...lol...I've also met some great subs older than me that have it together.

When it comes to older men who specifically target younger women, and never women in their own age range...I do find that very much a turn off. I think because I perceive them as not being able to cope with "real women" who are going to age and not look perfect despite maturing and developing as human beings. I know I'm only getting better as I get older, and I suppose I take it as somewhat of a personal affront for it to be implied that as I age, I am somehow less desirable.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to ruthfw)

Post #: 20

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