Is there equality in the lifestyle? (Full Version)

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realsumissive -> Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/21/2005 10:37:28 PM)

Please don't take this as ranting because I ask it as a question to gain knowledge. Again, just now I read a profile from a dominant female on the site stating clearly that she had been played by a so called sub. This woman gave a very common reason for being incensed. She claims that the sub was contacting several dommes. I read her profile again, and just as the first time it stated that she was seeking slaves. Not a slave, but multiple. Why do some dommes get so upset when they want many slaves, (which I have a hard time believing unless they are professionals) and they find a male sub is contacting several dommes? I would like to get some feedback from dominant women, so I can understand.



JohnWarren -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:26:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realsumissive

Please don't take this as ranting because I ask it as a question to gain knowledge. Again, just now I read a profile from a dominant female on the site stating clearly that she had been played by a so called sub. This woman gave a very common reason for being incensed. She claims that the sub was contacting several dommes. I read her profile again, and just as the first time it stated that she was seeking slaves. Not a slave, but multiple. Why do some dommes get so upset when they want many slaves, (which I have a hard time believing unless they are professionals) and they find a male sub is contacting several dommes? I would like to get some feedback from dominant women, so I can understand.


You want equality? I hear the Episcopal Church is looking for members.

Seriously, much of what we do is negotiated inequality. Now if the lady didn't make her expectations clear, that might be a bit iffy, but she was clear on one side, do you know she didn't tell the men in question that if they wanted her they had to wear blinders?

There aren't any universal rules except the old standby: communicate, communicate, communicate.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:44:30 AM)

quote:


You want equality?
I thought that was attempted vanilla marriage, and it's no wonder the majority fail. Not funny, but... M



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:47:52 AM)

Dear Realsumissive,
There are many people in this lifestyle who seek to have relationships with more than one sub/dominant... The most you can hope for is honesty so that you can make an informed choice about compatibility of desires/needs. M



BeachMystress -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 3:58:14 AM)


There is no such thing as fair in BDSM. You get what you negotiate. Also, the woman in your scenario was honest and up front about wanting multiple subs. It sounds like the sub didn't bother to accord her the same courtesy. Personally, I never continued communication with a sub who was talking with more than just me. If I wasn't special enough to command his entire attention, I wasn't the correct Domme for him.



realsumissive -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 5:40:19 AM)

I guess I didn't put the question correctly, but you seem to make my point. What you are saying is it is OK for a domme to have several subs, but not OK for a sub to have more than one domme. There are instances where yes, that is negotiated up front, and in many cases such as those where the domme states that she owns or participates in a house of submission that it should be understood that there will be many. The reason why I brought up the question is because I have had an incident where even though it clearly states in my profile that I seek a monogomous relationship, a domme was upset when I searched elsewhere after she made it clear that she was considering taking on multiple subs, and I made it clear that I would only be interested in friendship with her if that was the case.



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 5:50:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realsumissive
Why do some dommes get so upset when they want many slaves, (which I have a hard time believing unless they are professionals) and they find a male sub is contacting several dommes? I would like to get some feedback from dominant women, so I can understand.


A Domme enjoying MANY slaves is not unusual, and not just limited to the Pro Domme. I have met several women with full households.

I'm a monogamous woman, but I'd say that since "she" indicated the need for slaveS, that while she is poly, she still wants to feel special by each and every man that is seeking her attention. That fact that she enjoys MANY has no baring on "equality," as I see it. The info is listed in "her" profile...it's what "she" seeks. He responded, and apparently indicated interest in finding out more, or in actually wanting to BE her slave (among other slaves). Right?

If a man contacts me, then I would hope his interest is actually IN me, and not just what I, and ALL the other women in the area, can do for him.

My guess is that her reaction came from the fact that his interest and attention shouldn't be to multiple women then, if he's truly sincere in his interest in her.

Since you said, that she indicated she was "played" by this sub, then it would also imply that the contact time was more than an initial first e-mail.

I've had incidents of a man corresponding to seriously meet me, while doing the exact same correspondence (and I mean "exact") with friends, as well as to my own profiles listed on other sites. ALL at the same time. In view of the fact that my interest (as listed in profiles) is a "relationship"...the multiple contacts indicate that he's not looking for one, but for many. It's good he kept up his contacts, cause I no longer correspond with the ones marking the road to their self interest.

Also, I think there's more to knowing the story, as only tidbits are listed in the mini rant, on the profile. I also think anyone listing such negativity, or bashing, in their profile is cutting their on throat, when hoping to make positive contacts again.

K



thetammyjo -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 7:34:38 AM)

I don't think you should ever take what one person or even a thousand people say as "the dominant woman" viewpoint on anything.

Second we each assume different things in a relationship even at the "talking" stages. You've given us an example of why that is a very poor thing to do. She assumed you would stick around regardless of whether or not you were with her; you assumed it would be cool with her if you looked elsewhere.

Just my opinion, but in this case I would make the same assumption as you. Until you are actually in a negotiated relationship you don't owe the person you are talking to more than honesty and politeness.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 7:52:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: realsumissive

I guess I didn't put the question correctly, but you seem to make my point. What you are saying is it is OK for a domme to have several subs, but not OK for a sub to have more than one domme. There are instances where yes, that is negotiated up front, and in many cases such as those where the domme states that she owns or participates in a house of submission that it should be understood that there will be many. The reason why I brought up the question is because I have had an incident where even though it clearly states in my profile that I seek a monogomous relationship, a domme was upset when I searched elsewhere after she made it clear that she was considering taking on multiple subs, and I made it clear that I would only be interested in friendship with her if that was the case.


Then it is clear that you aren't made for one another. Simple as that.

I personally think that many go about the courting period all wrong. I know I have in an instance or two. I will share my last courting scenario as I believe it applies.

When I met this boy, he was flirting with a few others. That was fine. I knew he liked me. If I would have smacked him down and told him to stop talking to every other woman and only me, I'm not sure he would have stuck around (note that I tend to go for the strong-willed and independent kind of guy who doesn’t respond well to domineering women). Rather, my approach was to keep communicating with him and slowly get him to the place where he came to the realisation that he wanted no other woman but me. He was the one that made the decision, it was not imposed on him. And though I'm not an expert in psychology, I can tell you that people are much more likely to respect decisions they made for themselves then decisions made for them.

Now I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve had multiple boys at once. I’d had monogamous relationships in the past but I also had open and non-monogamous periods. But as this boy and I got closer over the last few months, I realised that he seriously was everything I ever wanted and needed in a partner. I don’t want/need another.

The point I’m trying to make is that more and more I see people play the game of “I want to keep my options open and keep looking in case I find something better” kind of deal. I’m not saying that this is the basis of every poly dynamic but I know that is it the fundamental modus operandi for many non-monogamous people.

What I’ve learned with this boy is taking things step-by-step and letting things naturally fall into place and not have a gazillion expectations from the get go but rather letting the degree of commitment, importance and exclusivity reflect the degree of communication, intimacy and trust.

- LA



krikket -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 7:54:26 AM)

To take this point further, there's no such thing as fair in life..lol. Anyone remember the old song "I didn't promise you a rose garden"?

From my own limited observations, the unfairness shifts from man to woman, Dom to sub, person to person, and back again..round and round and round.

regards
jimini


quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress


There is no such thing as fair in BDSM.




MistressKaren51 -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 8:42:55 AM)

L.A.....I like your style....it screams of CLASS! Your description of how the relationship progressed between the two of you was refreshing to read. Anyone reading between the lines of your post can tell that you are truly a confident lady with wonderful insights! Thanks for a great post.



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 9:07:54 AM)

I think there's as much equality and inequality as you agree there is.

Sometimes it just boils down to "She's the Domme, and this is the life she wants". If it doesn't work for you, then you look for someone who wants the same things you do.

I know for me...if I were seeing someone who had life partner type potential, I could agree to be sexually monogamous, but I will always be open to just playing with others or even having a beta sub.



Kasia -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 10:01:06 AM)

If there was equality in the world I would have long legs as MistressKaren51. But I dont.



Misstoyou -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 10:04:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I don't think you should ever take what one person or even a thousand people say as "the dominant woman" viewpoint on anything.



Exactly. But somehow this point seems to be difficult to grasp. [8|]



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 10:48:37 AM)

How is it possible for a sub to have more than one dominant, outside of a particular relationship? If you are serving a couple, sure, but a bevy of dominants? That's just casual play.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 11:07:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKaren51

L.A.....I like your style....it screams of CLASS! Your description of how the relationship progressed between the two of you was refreshing to read. Anyone reading between the lines of your post can tell that you are truly a confident lady with wonderful insights! Thanks for a great post.


Thank you for the kind words Karen. I have to give my boy credit too. It's nice to deal with a mature man who is comfortable in expressing his needs, limits and desires and isn't afraid to let himself be vulnerable and devoted.

- LA



LadyAngelika -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 11:07:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

How is it possible for a sub to have more than one dominant, outside of a particular relationship? If you are serving a couple, sure, but a bevy of dominants? That's just casual play.


When there is a will, there is a way ;-)

- LA



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:06:28 PM)

quote:

If there was equality in the world
Amen Ms Kasia. It is just as simple as that. M



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:09:45 PM)

quote:

How is it possible for a sub to have more than one dominant, outside of a particular relationship? If you are serving a couple, sure, but a bevy of dominants? That's just casual play.
No M'LadyHibiscus,
I was surprised at one time where a girl on these boards was owned and shared by two masters (can't think of thread title), and she spent time between their homes and sometimes with both in one hom (good deal in my view if you can get it and cope with it; I personally know that is a shortcoming for me in that I can't cope with it in a healthy fashion). M



TexasMaam -> RE: Is there equality in the lifestyle? (10/22/2005 12:52:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: realsumissive
Why do some dommes get so upset when they want many slaves, (which I have a hard time believing unless they are professionals) and they find a male sub is contacting several dommes? I would like to get some feedback from dominant women, so I can understand.



Hmmm. Where to begin.

While I do not want many slaves, I enjoy having several submissives, or one alpha submissive and several slaves.

When I engaged several submissives at once in years past, it was simply because the sub/slave who wished to be a bathboy and personal assistant had no desire to cook. The sub who longed to cook for Me had no desire to be a houseboy. The houseboy had no desire to be either a bathboy, cook, personal assistant, gardner, etc.

The fact that I may engage more than one submissive in service does not mean I am intimate with more than one, or with ANY.

The simple truth is that there are submissive men, or male slaves, with personality traits who long to be of service. Not necessarily sexual service.

At present, I engage one submissive in service who prefers bondage to any other activity. He appeals to Me on many levels and we are emotionally involved and sexually intimate. He is the only sub with whom I am intimate.

I also engage a yardboy who wishes to be of service about the ranch; he asks for room and board, keeps the garden and the grounds and wishes to be recognized for such. We are NOT sexually intimate nor are we deeply emotionally involved. Still, I view his labours as 'service' and will session him (flogging) when he begs it of Me, because it is something that he needs.

I will entertain petitions from cooks and from houseboys who wish to serve. The parameters of service are set beforehand; very few submissive personas would ever expect sexual gratification from a Domme.

Whether or not intimacy ever develops depends completely upon the sub and his performance; not because I might choose to 'reward' him with same, but because performance with regard to service is often what arouses Me. That does not imply that I am poly. I am not. I prefer a sexually monogamous relationship. As with any relationship, the parameters, confines, limitations and negotiations are worked out through careful communication.

For those of you who will now rant 'well all TexasMaam wants is slave labor without paying for it' let Me assuage your misplaced concerns. I want submissive males around Me; no more, no less. If you are not amenable to such a situation, don't petition Me for service. [;)]

Having said that, let Me explain that I surmise any man who is not specifically committed in chastity to Me probably engages in conversations and contact with other Dommes. Once I demand his loyalty and fealty, however, his undivided attention is expected. Not before.

Yes, I expect his/their chastity while I may not give Mine in return. Why would I want to surround Myself with day laborers whose energy is focused on some other Woman? Hello.

Should I choose to collar a submissive, with whom I am sexually intimate, and W/we agree on mutual exclusivity, then that's the way it will be between the two of U/us.

It's My Party and I'll Domme if I Want To.

TexasMaam



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