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A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:08:18 PM   
lilcatgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Ok, I know this isn't a BDSM question per se, but I figured this is the best section of the forum to post this.

Here's the problem: I've NEVER been able to reach orgasm. Ever. It's a very frustrating issue.

I've been sexually active for a few years now, and never in my life had a partner, or myself, been able to give me an orgasm. Vaginal sex does very little for me, if anything. Same thing for oral or anal. I've even tried using a vibrator, although that has had a greater effect on me. I don't know if I need a stronger one, since there was just this wall, so to speak, that I couldn't get over.  

BDSM wise, physically I've been pretty much vanilla up until now, but definitely not in my mind. Just haven't had very dominant partners in the past. I'm thinking that exploring my submissive side might help, but who knows.

I was wondering if anyone had any helpful comments or suggestions that would aid me in this problem.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:12:21 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		A few questions:
You didn't mention using your hand to play with yourself, do you ever use your fingers to play with your clit?
What sort of fantasies are you thinking about?  What type of  bdsm activities turn you on?  Do you watch bdsm porn (or any type for that matter)?

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
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RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:16:56 PM   
lilcatgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Fingers never cut it. As said before, vibrators are the only thing that has gotten a reaction from my body. I haven't actually done anything BDSM wise before, but I've been interested in it for a while and I am hoping that exploring my submissive side will help. I've tried imagining scenarios and watching porn, but all it does is turns me on and I have no way to release that tension. I have no problem getting turned on and such... it's just the actual release that I can never reach.

It's like I can hardly feel anything on top of the physical friction. It's there sometimes, and even then it's only a little bit.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:21:22 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have always enjoyed sex and stimulation.  Even as a kid I would rub myself up to the rise.  But I never felt the over the top, "OMG what the hell was that???!!! And do I dare try to feel that again?", orgasm until I was 25.  Sure what I did before felt great, but they weren't orgasms that made feel sublime.  I new it was nice, but I knew they weren't what people described to me.  When I felt that first orgasm it was like my heart was going to rise out of my chest.  My pulse raced, my body was wet with sweat and passion, my brain was fully engaged in my cunt, ass and nips.  It was as if I was ONLY sex, only pleasure, and anything before that was nothing.  25.. was a great year.
Keep rubbing, keep practicing, for me it was a build of pleasure.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
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RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:24:07 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		It could also be  something  internal , are you on any medications ? have you asked a Dr about it ?try a ride on a harley i hear that is one of the best vibrators  for women . Stress also blocks things from completion .It could be many things , try a hitachi vibe .

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:25:51 PM   
MstrssScarlet


Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline 		I don't know if this will help, but I'll throw it out there.  My first marriage was to a vanilla.  After the divorce, I dated some vanilla guys.  None of them really did much for me as far as reaching an orgasm, even though like you I had some very vivid BDSM fantasies and was easily aroused.  Finally I met my current husband who initially was my dominant.  OMG what a difference!  Suddenly I began having so many orgasms that it became his favorite torture to make me cum until I pleaded with him to stop.  Of course, even then he wouldn't always stop.
I'm hoping this might happen for you now that you're fully into the lifestyle.  Good luck!
Mistress Scarlet

edited because I forgot to mention the Doc Johnson "pocket rocket".  A tiny little thing, but VERY powerful and works for me every time.

< Message edited by MstrssScarlet -- 5/19/2008 10:28:45 PM >

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:31:32 PM   
Reigna


Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Get a good vibrator, and learn how to use it. (Yes, you have to learn.) Don't mess with cheap, underpowered junk. Get a serious tool for the job, something like the Hitachi Magic Wand, or one of the Wahl vibes. The kind that plug into the wall are far more reliable and long-lived than the battery-operated kind, and you don't need an insertable. You need something that will apply consistent stimulation to your clit.

The other thing to remember is that orgasms vary in intensity. You may be having smallish orgasms and not realizing it. Again, the place to start figuring this out is with a high-quality, reliable vibrator. Once you figure out how to use it, you'll never look back!

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:36:34 PM   
lilcatgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I don't really have a lot of stress right now, so I doubt it's that. Besides, it's not like this problem had just presented itself recently.

Missokyst, I fully understand what you are saying, granted I still need a vibe to actually feel anything.

MstrssScarlet, I hope that my case will be similar to yours.

Everyone, thank you for your kind words. You have given me hope of finding a solution.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:49:44 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Here's the problem: I've NEVER been able to reach orgasm. Ever. It's a very frustrating issue.


lilcat.

Two things come to mind though you have not addressed either one. Some fems just have recessed clits moreso than the norm, but that might only be a contributing problem to the main issue. If you tell yourself that it cannot/willnot happen, the results is very close to your thoughts. Think org think org and then think org some more.

CP

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 10:57:53 PM   
fletcher


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/26/2005
Status: offline 		Another poster mentioned medication. MANY medications, including the most popular anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, can have 'sexual side effects', which is drug company speak for 'kills your sex life'.  The effects can range from complete lack of desire and/or impotence to diminished or total inability to reach orgasm.  Interestingly, some of these meds have the exact opposite effect, depending on the person.  If you're taking these (or any other regular medication), you should ask your doctor, or at least do a cursory web search for possible side effects.

Beyond that, the advice folks have put out there is pretty on the money.  Among my friends equipped with clitorises (clitori?) most all of the swear by either the Hitachi Magic Wand or one of the Wahl models. For some women, these models are too intense, but most of those women don't have any trouble reaching orgasm.  Everyone's different, and there's no need to feel guilty, broken, or ashamed.  Play with your equipment and find out what works for you.



(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 11:10:33 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I know what you're going through. At 34, I've only had one lover who brought me to full orgasm during sex and he had an oddly shaped cock (hooked to the side at the tip rather than a gradual curve). I've had no success with dildos or my fingers. Yet I am almost always successful in achieving orgasm. My secret? A folded pillow. I think it's the combination of pressure against my pelvic bone and clit stimulation.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 11:21:42 PM   
lilcatgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Well just to get this out there, I am not on any medication.

I'm actually looking at different toys right now, since I don't really have much experience with them. I'm hoping that once I get a good one, it will solve my problem, and maybe break a barrier, so to speak, that will enable me to reach orgasm easier.

Oh, and I actually try to have a positive mentality when trying, but I guess it's just gotten harder now with all the failed attempts over the years.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 11:23:46 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		And if you stop trying a little while...just let it rest?
did you try that...focus on soemthing else...

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A Problem... - 5/19/2008 11:27:21 PM   
lilcatgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		I've tried that as well. I even waited as long as a month.

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 12:01:51 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		there is really nothing bothering you. Soemtimes we take problems for granted. We get used to them and accept them..but still they influence us.

If that is not the case..then the docter again or the nice suggestion of the ladies above...for toys.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 3:03:09 AM   
faithfulfemme


Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, lilcatgirl,

i hope i can help just a little with your problem.  You see, i had the same problem when i was your age....i had a very difficult time reaching orgasm.

As others have mentioned, the Hitachi Wand is great for finding out where the best places are on your genitalia for attaining orgasm.  The Wahl vibrators also are good to use to find out where you prefer to be stimulated.  However, this is a process and it can take some time before you find where and what pleases you.  You just have to keep trying. 

Also, just a bit on the phsiological points of intercourse.  When the penis is in the vagina, in the classic missionary position, the clit sits very high in the genital area and usually (some do, some don't) doesn't get much stimulation. If you have an understanding male partner, try placing the vibrator on your clit while the two of you are having intercourse.  Even if you don't reach orgasm, you might at least be able to get a better sense of where it feels good to you.

Other than that, you simply need to practice, practice, practice with your vibrator.

Of course, it goes without saying that a trip to your kindly gynocologist is always a good thing.  Just to make sure everything is ok. 

_____________________________

Trust is neither wishing nor hoping; it is a deep sense of honor in another.

(in reply to lilcatgirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 3:53:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're also only 20 years old. I hate to say this but a significant percent of young females do have this problem which tends to disappear in about ten years. Have you had your hormone levels tested?

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to faithfulfemme)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 4:09:18 AM   
DavidsGem


Posts: 51
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		Brightest Blessings
 
 There are many things that cause the inability to orgasm, from childhood education, religion, openness of parents to talk about sex, to the self fulfilling prophecy that you haven't before so you never will, it can also be a medical issue.
 
From what little you have said it sounds like it may be psychological. I would look into your childhood, and the reactions of your family to sexual issues. Have you been sexually abused, or raped? Did your parents or religion repeatedly say that sex was only for marriage, or that good girls don't. Have you ever felt shame about your body or awkward, unsure in your own skin? When you gave up your virginity was it traumatic? If there is any thing in your past that might be stopping you from enjoying sex you should see a therapist to help you with whatever you need help with.
 
All of these things plus many more can effect a woman's sexual response,. Because you have never reached orgasm you may have also set up a metal block that you can not have an orgasm no matter what you do. While the vibrators are a good idea, I would advise that you first start by having intimacy with your partner, that you focus on each other's bodies, by massage and sensual touching, or bdsm, with no genital touching,  the orgasm should not be the means to an end, throw out the orgasm idea until you can relax into the feelings that are being stimulated by your bodies arousal to touch. To much focus is put on the orgasm, it is quite normal for a woman NOT to have an orgasm  every time she has sex, despite what you hear on the Internet.:)
 
You should have a complete physically to rule out anything medical, be open and honest with your Doctor explain the problem you are having.
 
Blessed Be
Gem
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Fear Fuil Iobair-
(Man's Blood Sacrifice)

"If I had a choice I would not serve with love, for she is a hard cruel mistress, much harsher than I can take most days”-Gem2007

(in reply to faithfulfemme)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 4:20:28 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		First the scientific stuff as it is possible that one or more of these may be contributing to your difficulty:
  • Physical causes. Many physical and/or medical conditions can cause problems with sexual function. These conditions include diabetes, heart disease, neurological diseases, hormonal imbalances, menopause, chronic diseases such as kidney disease or liver failure, and alcoholism and drug abuse. In addition, the side effects of certain medications, including some antidepressant drugs, can affect sexual desire and function.
  • Psychological causes. These include work-related stress and anxiety, concern about sexual performance, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt, and the effects of a past sexual trauma.
  • Lack of orgasm (anorgasmia). This is the absence of sexual climax (orgasm). It can be caused by sexual inhibition, inexperience, lack of knowledge and psychological factors such as guilt, anxiety, or a past sexual trauma or abuse. Other factors contributing to anorgasmia include insufficient stimulation, certain medications, and chronic diseases.

    For any of these possibilities or to rule them out, please see your Doctor and/or Gynocologist. You may have a hormone problem as well. They are finding that there are some women entering menopause as early as age 20 for various reasons. Testing of Hormone Levels can be done as well as a Pap smear to rule out other possible problems.

    Now that is not to say that any of these are contributing to the difficulty but it is a possibility that needs to be explored. However it  may just be that you require more stimulation.

    1. Please note that the clitoris is at the top of the cleft towards the belly and may be hidden behind a thick hood (similar to a foreskin) not all are retracted during excitement and may need to be skinned back in the same manner for direct stimulation. Some are small and not easy to find, others larger and demanding of attention. You may need to lubricate before masturbation, since our own lubrication may dry up during prolonged masturbation, try using something like KY warming or regular or the FDS spray on Lubricant.

    2. Relax, find something that excites you, a movie, story, pictures (despite reports to the contrary we women can be visually oriented when it comes to stimulus as well, so pass the GOOD porn, guys), turn off the phone and relax, beginnng to masturbate as you grow more aroused by your material. Vary the stimulus..fingers, vibrater on Low or OMG, shower faucet flow if that is the area you have chosen for this and RELAX, RELAX, RELAX..don't worry about having a orgasm. Just have a good time with yourself. It will happen. It can take more than an hour the first few times, so don't worry about it.

    3. Remember not everyone is built the same. Some require more stiumulation than others. If everything has checked out A.O.K. with your Doctors and there is nothing that you jnow of in your past that may be contributing to the problem ( this can include Mom bursting in on you discovering yourself or even a poor reaction by her when you were still in diapers and found the joy buttton (infants do yanno)), then you might want to try for constant stimulation through a hood ring (piercing).

    Main advice..relax. You don't think men complain about how long we take for no reason do ya? As Jeff Foxworthy Says Men are Bottle Rockets..FFFFFFFFTTT...BOOM...OOOOO...AHHHHHH.. Women are Diesel Engines, They are harder to start but once you get them going they can go all night.

    poenkitten

    (in reply to lilcatgirl)
    • Profile   Post #: 19
    RE: A Problem... - 5/20/2008 4:31:18 AM   
    MladyHathor


    Posts: 510
    Joined: 4/6/2008
    Status: offline     		The clit is covered ny a "hood"--in some women that hood is deep and thick---you might try gently rolling back the hood to expose the clitoris itself, then try as mentioned a good vibrator---and relax orgasms may often take time---lots of time.

    _____________________________

    The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

    (in reply to lilcatgirl)
    Profile   Post #: 20
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