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Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 1:02:30 AM

summersprite

Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
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The following was posted in answer to someone else's thread about inadequacy as a Dom.... It got me thinking.... No doubt a few on here will say this has been discussed before.... but that is the nature of messageboards on any site.... all subjects will repeat as new people join... you can either redirect them back a few years... or you can accept that everything is an ongoing conversation and new ideas could possibly emerge each time this is discussed.... (no disrespect intended for those who've been here forever...)

"This isn't entirely in answer to the OP but he does raise something I find interesting. As a new sub, i met with a Dom, who is now my Sir, and i let Him guide me in how to be a good sub, i followed His lead, i submitted to His will, i made it my aim to please Him..... i'm not saying it was easy, but i only had to look up at Him, to listen to Him, to do what He asked.... my submission felt natural, i needed to obey Him....
But as a new Dom, how do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant..... is it 90% bluffing, is it a personality thing - are you confident and sure of yourself anyway? Do you let a sub top from the bottom to tell you how to be a good Dom? I'd be interested to know what Doms thought of their first experience being dominant..... "

< Message edited by summersprite -- 5/21/2008 1:13:31 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 1:30:42 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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My first experience... it is a little hard to recall but I was told when I was born the nurse set me in my mothers arms to teach how to breast feed me. Before she could say a word, I reached up, grabbed that tit and drank my milk with gusto.

Of note, my parents were pretty smart (doctor & artist). When I was born they didn’t let the nurse slap me. I was given a massage instead. So I started life being massage by a women and shortly after was served breakfast while grabbing some big ol’ bewbage. We are products of our environment, maybe that is why I turned out so dominant?

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I give good thread.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 2

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 1:59:41 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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I have no clue...It just happened to me.
And don't bother about it either. Besides now..when trying to answer...lol

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~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 3

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 2:42:02 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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Seriously, in retrospect my earliest domly memory, goes back to when I started kindergarden. It was confusing and difficult experience becoming socialized with other kids at first. I was trying to boss, direct and tell the other kids what to do! Man, social adjustment was a bitch at first. Then it started to sink in, about how to play well with others. Who knows the Dom I could have been today.. if I had not been socialized and tricked into believing that it was a bad thing bossing other kids around like I had. LOL... I'm giving a honest reply with a smart ass spin on the end.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 4

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 5:27:18 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't think bluffing and pretending have any place in it. I think the important thing is simply to go slowly enough that he/she does feel comfortable with the things they are doing or asking for. By staying within their own comfort levels, they get used to directing while seeing that it isn't a bad thing to take the lead.

One of the first things The Man taught me was how he likes his tea. Doesn't take soul searching or worry about hurting someone to say "this kind of tea only, with this much sugar". And yet, that is a dominant act, to actively instruct someone else so as to pleased. But it is well within anyone's comfort level to wince and say "could you get me another cup, this one with one sugar not two".

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RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 5:46:52 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think bluffing and pretending have any place in it. I think the important thing is simply to go slowly enough that he/she does feel comfortable with the things they are doing or asking for. By staying within their own comfort levels, they get used to directing while seeing that it isn't a bad thing to take the lead.

One of the first things The Man taught me was how he likes his tea. Doesn't take soul searching or worry about hurting someone to say "this kind of tea only, with this much sugar". And yet, that is a dominant act, to actively instruct someone else so as to pleased. But it is well within anyone's comfort level to wince and say "could you get me another cup, this one with one sugar not two".

The joy of understanding how simply it really is, by not overthinking it to death.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 8:36:53 AM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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I think all new tops need to be honest with self and partner about their newness. Have realistic expectations and, at least in my opinion, don't try to be dominant especially outside of any set up scene time.

As you get more experiences and learn more about yourself, self-confidence should naturally follow and you'll know what works for you.

The down side of my advice is that there are many bottoms/subs who refuse to scene with new tops. While I completely understand it creates a nasty catch-22 that might lead to the idea that one needs to bluff and pretend.

Find a mentor, a more experienced top/dom or more than one. That's gives you access to knowledge and potentially a reason for someone to trust you more to practice with. It should also give you someone who can remember what it was like to go through the entire period of newness themselves.

I'm not a fan of bottoming or subbing to learn to top -- I frankly think you only learn about being a bottom or a sub and I know some folks will violently disagree. However many bottoms/subs are also very uncomfortable with the idea that the person topping/domming them ever did anything on their side of things.

It comes down to being honest and getting an education and practice as best you can.

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(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 7

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 9:28:12 AM

Floggings4You

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Joined: 12/18/2006
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I was guided by three separate mentors over more than a year's time. By the time I had the confidence, experience, and knowledge necessary to confidently do what I do, conveying a sense of authority came naturally.

By that time, I was no longer a 'new' Dom...

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 9:56:40 AM

pettingdragons

Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

There are mentors out there..good ones harder to find then others...there are subs who are willing to "take in" a new Dominant just for teaching .
A good Dominant will have confidence in himself while learning a new skill, not matter who is teaching it....Its not always topping from the bottom when teaching...its just that teaching...
As a switch, i learned from being a bottom...then "switching" to the top and really enjoying it....sometimes it’s the subs that make the best teachers....
As a slave now...i still teach...my Master sometimes about somethings..but he is not new we just have different experiences....i can use a lunge whip better because i have more experience then he does...he can Florentine a set of daggers across my skin faster then anyone i have ever seen....its all about the dynamic of the teacher and the student....
just my 2 cents
petttingdragons
**Mater Dragons considered slave**

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 9

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:05:28 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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~nods at pettingdragons~ (cool nickname, btw.)

A new Dom (or a more experienced one, for that matter) would do well to remember subs can be marvelous mentors for Doms. I don't mean by topping. I mean in directing gently, encouraging, suggesting things.

(in reply to pettingdragons)

Post #: 10

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:14:15 AM

ShatteredSoul123

Posts: 29
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline

I was going to comment similarly to what batshalom said.

Toping from the bottom is actually a girl who claims to be a bottom/submissive but still wants everything her way as if she were a top/dominant. This doesn't mean she can't guide, give advise, tell what works, what doesn't, etc.

Honestly, I learned things the hard way. However I use the same advice I am giving when I enter into any new relationship. Each sub is different, each can handle different things, each can tolerate different levels of pain, each is freightened of and has different limits.

Knowing that, the submissive/bottom must be sure to be open and upcoming with anything she is not comfortable with, whether its inside the bedroom or in a 24/7 non kink dynamic. As time goes on, the sub is giving less output and the dom is more aware of what is happening naturally.

< Message edited by ShatteredSoul123 -- 5/21/2008 10:15:16 AM >

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(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 11

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:18:43 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: summersprite

*snip for brevity*
But as a new Dom, how do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant..... is it 90% bluffing, is it a personality thing - are you confident and sure of yourself anyway? Do you let a sub top from the bottom to tell you how to be a good Dom? I'd be interested to know what Doms thought of their first experience being dominant..... "

Well, how I did it was this: I started with what made sense to me, with what my own fantasy world had taught me, and then I went online and read and listened to people...I concentrated on people (dominant, submissive, switches) who came across as generally intelligent and realistic. I read a LOT. I thought a LOT. I took everything in, kept what made sense and worked for me, and left what didn't. My partner and I worked together to develop our dynamic based on what we internally felt was what we needed and wanted, although I (unsurprisingly) took the lead.
I've been to some munches and some clubs, though, by the time I did, I wasn't at a point to be terribly surprised by much. (Of course, I was pretty much born jaded, too, which helps. I'm ridiculously hard to shock and always have been.)
I have always been a fairly dominant person; being in control, making decisions, etc, all come pretty naturally to me.
Ultimately, I learned the most from my early (wonderful) partners...who were, of course, submissive.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 12

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:33:54 AM

MasterDragon1963

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

Any Dom who thinks they are above learning from someone other than another Dom has not chosen their path wisely. One of several things that can bring a Dom down is their ego. Knowledge is the key to wisdom just as practise is the key to experience. Regardless of what form it comes in, we can all learn something from someone.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 13

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 10:35:14 AM

Arrrchibald

Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

My first few expriences with domination, were just some playful fun. I remember having a great time, and I remember my sub having a great time.

Didn't really give much thought much about domination, superiority, or control. I remember thinking, "Oooo! Shiney! A nice foxy ass to spank. And it's making her wet. Everybody wins."

"[H]ow do you establish control and convey the feeling you have the experience to be dominant?" I smile.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 14

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 11:03:02 AM

SensibleSam

Posts: 77
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

Learning how to be a Dom isn't particularly difficult. There are books and online resources where one can acquire information. Its not like learning integral calculus. Its more like learning the multiplication tables. It takes a little effort but its well within the capacity of most men.

I remember fondly my first experiences as a Dom. I behaved stupidly all right but what a lot of fun I had. Its like first love - awkward but sweet. Maybe I'll write a song about it. Is Pat Boone available?

(in reply to Arrrchibald)

Post #: 15

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 11:07:43 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

When I was new, I had the benefit of having a Domme mentor guide me where I wanted to go. However, if it werent for subs being willing and able to teach by topping from the bottom a bit, Id never know what I was doing right and wrong. Everyone starts somewhere, and to try and make yourself out to be more than you are is asking for trouble. My former pet is trying to learn that as well, he wants to top, and he seems to thik he needs to appeatr less than cluless. Personally, I think he needs to let her know he is starting from scratch and let her teach him... but he has asked me for basics and I am working on that. At least I can teach him some basic safetly and such.
Confidence in your abilities, even if it is your ablity to learn, is what is important in a new Dom/me. Without confidence in what you are doing or trying, your sub wil never have the comfort level and trust to allow you to go farther.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SensibleSam)

Post #: 16

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 11:42:08 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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My first actual play experiences were with the girl next door, at that time there was not emphasis on topping and bottom roles. We just talked about things, did them. Explored. Some things she wanted to do and expressed wanting to do, there were things I wanted to do. Really simple, without Role and Labels and all that involved.

I did not know anything about these things being part of a lifestyle until later on life.

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 17

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 11:52:11 AM

LivLifeByMyRules

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

Great question, and also a great preframe regarding new threads versus redirecting someone to another section. As someone who has been on CM for some time, but is relatively new to the message boards, I appreciate the new threads as many times, finding old ones can be a bit time consuming based on how you are re-directed.

As far as my personal journey into my role within the lifestyle, there were always "signs" of natural Dominance, which I actually resisted for much of my younger life. I agree with someone else who said they resisted their natural role because of the social stigmas. But no matter how uncomfortable it felt because of what I was taught was "expected", people always looked to me to make decisions and to answer their questions. This became even more apparent as I started working. Business managers and owners would come to me to solve their problems and advise them in their decisions. It was not until I really delved into the study of human behavior that I realized why.

With that said, when I was introduced to the idea that there was a "lifestyle" that aligned with how I was living anyway, I became a student of it. I believe that every interaction is an opportunity to learn. Everyone can be your teacher. I learned from reading, from conversations with others, both Dom and sub, and mostly through actual experience. And yes, I did make mistakes. And through it all, I learned more about the lifestyle, about myself and my Identity as a Dominant.

As far as "bluffing", it is my belief that the level of honesty and trust required to build a truly successful relationship will not allow for "deception" of any kind. One of my Mentors uses the term, "There is no such thing as an inconsequential lie". I've come to embrace that idea fully. If I am accepting the responsibility of your well-being as my submissive, whether it is for the duration of a single session, or for an ongoing relationship, I assume responsibility for making sure that communication is clear. "White lies" can lead to misconceptions that can cause damage on many levels, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.

One final thought... If someone is new and wanting to establish themselves as a Dominant, my belief is that you are on a journey of personal growth. And one of the key characteristics of what I consider a "true" Dominant is Integrity. "Bluffing" in any form, undermines yours. "To Thine Own Self Be True".

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 18

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 12:20:21 PM

BrigandDoom

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

When I started out 17 years ago I had 3 Dom/mes mentoring me, but also my first sub who had also introduced me to D/s & BDSM was a fourth mentor. Without their guidance I'm not certain how fate would've turned out. I was a sadist without an outlet, something my first sub recognised. I found the experience enriching and it's helped me to remain consensual, considerate, but ultimately safe. Dominant I may be, but with out the sub or slave freely giving their submission to me I am nothing. Something that many Dominants seem to lack these days.

I firmly believe you can only progress through the world of D/s & BDSM if you are prepared to listen, learn and adjust. I hear far tooo many Dominants screaming I know everything. It's like the perfect driver, the worlds biggest bullshitters!

< Message edited by BrigandDoom -- 5/21/2008 12:21:08 PM >

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Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

(in reply to summersprite)

Post #: 19

RE: Establishing Your Experience as a Dom - 5/21/2008 2:11:56 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
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Others touched on this somewhat, indirectly, so I'll say it flat out: any person new to the scene who has Dominant interests will go pretty far if they take the time to understand who they are, what they want, and maybe if they're so inclined, why. A mentor might help; a submissive would probably help a whole lot more.

On a personal note, I didn't fake anything. I was just myself. If I didn't know, I asked. Confidence is funny, that way; you have more of it when you take the time and make the effort to be certain, if there's any doubt. The same still applies today; I'm still learning, always will be.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to BrigandDoom)

Post #: 20

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