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Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:16:53 PM   
KaineD


Posts: 497
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline 		I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience.  Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering?

Obviously everyone is going to have some different opinions on this.  I read a post a while ago that said (paraphrasing here) 'a Dom should try things out as a sub first', which I really thought was no good, and someone else said 'How can a Dom know he is a Dom if he has no experience'.  And yet, many people in this lifestyle state that they knew what they were from very early on.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom.

Opinions?
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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:22:54 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Would I consider a dominant with little experience or less experience than myself?  Yes.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:41:06 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Everyone has to start somewhere.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:51:43 PM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline 		I have a very good friend who is commited to a Dom who has no D/s experience and it works for them, which I am very happy for them about. But me personally, I wouldn't want an inexperienced Dom. It isn't anything against people who are inexperienced, I just would feel less submissive to some one who I was also teaching how to be a Dom, I couldn't do it and keep the dynamic in tact. I think it's more a personal flaw with myself than with the Dom, I know I would be much more of a brat because I would feel more in control of the relationship and much less submissive. But I give full credit to the subs who do it and succeed!

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:57:43 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I find it interesting that it is assumed that the dominant needs to be 'trained' by the submissive, simply because they are new or have less experience?  Why is that the domain of the new/less experienced?  Do those dominants in relationships who have experience not need to learn with the submissive they are now with?
 
Some dominants do not 'need' training?  I have never met a new dominant who did or does, anymore than an experienced one.  Sure, they may attend workshops or learn how to use tools - but 'trained' to be dominant?
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 1:57:52 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		For some people, it will automatically be a no. For me, it doesn't matter.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 2:06:54 PM   
Dilseachd


Posts: 53
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		In the Old Guard you had to start as a sub.  It was how you learned.  Today most people dont follow those ways and they have to learn somehow.  I would not be against entering into a relationship with a novice if the chemistry and other aspects of our lives were compatible.   I frequently offer myself to novice Tops so they can learn the ropes so to speak.  To me it is another form of service and it certainly is a big help to beginners.  I am currently playing with a wonderful Lady who by her own admission is a novice and it is a joy to see her growing in her ability to push herself in her sadism,domme energy, and discover her fetishes.  We are at this point only friends, but during play time there is power  exchange. 

So experiance helps, but it isnt the end all be all in my opinion.  Who knows where the situation I am in will go..time will tell.  Experiance is a wonderful thing..and you have to pass yours on to people when and how you can...so being a crash test dummy is one way I do it and I am sure there are others out there who do as well.  So look for someone that does who is willing to help.

Deepest Regards to all,
Dils

(in reply to lizcgirl)
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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 2:18:09 PM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline 		When I said "trained" I didn't mean to imply they didn't know how to dominate. Every Dom and sub are different so of course you have to learn about the certain person you are with. But the subs I know who are with new Doms (I actually know 3, just not all in depth) mention things such as telling the Dom what punishments they need, how to set rules and guidelines, and even explaining the kink aspect of D/s relationships. That holds no appeal to me because I don't believe I could do it correctly. I like having my rules laid out for me, the punishments set by Daddy and not me because if I set the rules and punishments, I know myself and know I would set them too low. I can be a brat: I need some one who won't let me. If I was guiding them, I wouldn't be as strict as I actually need and would ruin the relationship and possibly the experience for the Dom. None of it was meant to insult new Doms, I was just admitting that I personally couldn't do it because I would mess it up. That is my flaw, not theirs.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 2:38:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A smart one is fine. One who pretends he knows more than he does and fucks up royally by not taking the time to learn what he's doing is a no go.

Spanking over the knee requires very little learning. Basically just where the sweet spot is, and where the tailbone is and to always avoid it.

Bullwhips are something else. They require workshops to get down the basics and then months and months of practice.

Wax play you can learn online. Needles you can't.

Experience doesn't mean ignorant. If you take the time to read and learn, that's a lot more valuable than a guy who's done the same four things over and over for twenty years. Because that guy doesn't have twenty years experience, he has at best one year's repeated twenty times.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 2:55:53 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		Being that a couple vanilla guys are interested in me and know this is a very important part of my life, yes.  i would ask a close Dom friend of mine to help train them though...this is my life after all and i'm not into scars that do not go away.  We all have to start somewhere or else there would not be anymore Doms. lol  But, only if i knew they were serious about this...i would never push this onto someone. Either your interested or not and if not then sorry i will have to go. Why risk me hurting them when they dont understand it was just a flogging or just a spanking?


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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 3:01:58 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Damn, I would have been in a tough spot back in 1964 if Melanie and Jeanne had insisted on an experienced dominant.

Everyone has to start somewhere.  However, I would be suspicious of any dominant who hadn't taken the many opportunities to learn that are now available

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 3:10:38 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Maybe it is simply the words you are using that is throwing up flags to me that sticks all dominants into neat little boxes.
 
I would not be in a sexual and sensual relationship in which I ran the show.  I could not fathom 'training' Darcy.  I would not be allowed to tell him which punishments fit or how to discipline me.  He decides that, less experienced participating in BDSM or not.  Not because I don't believe I couldn't, but because I am simply not allowed to dictate.  Now whether the people you know have that authority in their relationships is up to them, but when I submitted to Darcy, knowing he had less time practising BDSM than I, it was a natural process in which authority was transfered because it simply happened.  I have never trained him, nor told him what to do - I have neither had to nor wanted to.  Being in a relationship with a dominant new to BDSM is no different to having one with a dominant who has been doing it for twenty years.  It's the relationship that is new to all parties and if people could get off the whole experience/no experience myths and hangups then more relationships would succeed IMO.
 
So many people try and play the roles and that is where all the myths and misunderstadings come in and you get that dominants must be one way, or more experienced or have to have mentors or that all s-types submit to anyone and everyone and the words you are using - to me - are supporting those myths.
 
If your (generic) dominant isn't learning and gaining experience from you and with you or feels they do not need to, nor have to because they are 'experienced' - then the relationship is doomed.  Refusal to grow stunts creativity.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to lizcgirl)
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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 3:25:51 PM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline 		LOL, I don't want to stick all Doms into neat little boxes. I know that every one is different and what works for one might not work for another. Nothing I said was meant to justify a stereotype, I was just stating why it wouldn't work for me personally. I give a lot of respect to the subs that do "take the chance" so to speak with a new Dom. Every Dom is a chance you take, just like every relationship you develop is a chance. Any Dom, experienced or not, can harm you or make mistakes. Any Dom can just not be the one for you, it's all on a person-to-person basis. I just know my personality and know that ME being with an inexperienced Dom wouldn't be a good idea. And alot of that comes from the fact that I'm still learning myself. None of it was meant in a negative way towards new Doms, just admitting it wouldn't work for me. (my wording at times just plain sucks, and I feel a bit off tonight so sorry if it came out all wrong! lol)

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 4:22:40 PM   
foxhole


Posts: 18
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline 		hi, the fox here, yes this man has previously considered a Dom with no D/s experience. the problem arose that this man then started to top from the bottom which was not desireable for either side. long-ish term it didn't work out due to the Dom's interests or lack thereof, but this would not stop this man from trying again if the situation presented itself again as a Dominant Man even without experience will be a Dominant Man.
this man disagrees with the post that a Dom has to experience as sub before being able to Dominate. experincing being a sub may shine a little light on certain aspects, but do not illuminate all aspects of Dominance, this man thinks maybe You should apprentice to a senior Master in a role of Mentor to Your Person, but where You would be seen and understood as a Learning Dominant rather than a unknowing submissive.

the fox

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 5:26:44 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		To be a dominant is to first have a mindset of dominance, and i don't think this can be taught. It either is there or it isn't.
Now , the physical aspects, ie, using canes, whips, crops etc, can be taught. And i don't think a dom is diminished by having a sub teach him these things. In fact it could be a  positive thing for their relationship.  But, in todays world, there is probably a group nearby that has someone who could teach these things to him/her.

and no, i wouldn't have a problem with a new dom, because it isn't his technical skills i look for - its his mindset, his domlimess so to speak. If he has that , then he can acquire the rest.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 5:31:49 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		The many opportunities to learn that are now available?  To learn WHAT?  All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered.  You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert.

Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom.  That's how to be a TOP.  Big difference.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

However, I would be suspicious of any dominant who hadn't taken the many opportunities to learn that are now available

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 5:48:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		liz, what you aren't recognizing is that every new relationship starts from scratch. No new partner will magically read your mind and know if you respond well or badly to a punishment dynamic. That's what communication is for.

For those of us who don't do well in a punishment dynamic, it doesn't matter if his last twelve subs thrived under that, because just using it again without delving into the new sub as a person would ruin the new relationship and possibly drive her out of d/s totally.

Doesn't matter if he's always used humiliation. If the new sub turns out to have emotional triggers that make her fear and distrust him when he humiliates her, he has to learn new ways to deal with her.

As far as setting rules go, his last may have been able to memorize 124 slave rules overnight, but his new one may not be able to handle more than one at a time and need a month to get one down pat before learning the next. Or vice versa in all these scenarios. Each new partner requires that both the dom and the sub start from scratch and learn each other.

As far as not telling him what works best on you, should you know it, why on earth wouldn't you be honest? Why would you set out to lie, decieve and manipulate someone you like, admire and desire to submit to? Why not give him a little learning curve? And usually it doesn't take more than about six months for someone who has the dominant drive to get up to speed.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 6:04:59 PM   
lanie38


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

To be a dominant is to first have a mindset of dominance, and i don't think this can be taught. It either is there or it isn't.
Now , the physical aspects, ie, using canes, whips, crops etc, can be taught. And i don't think a dom is diminished by having a sub teach him these things. In fact it could be a  positive thing for their relationship.  But, in todays world, there is probably a group nearby that has someone who could teach these things to him/her.

and no, i wouldn't have a problem with a new dom, because it isn't his technical skills i look for - its his mindset, his domlimess so to speak. If he has that , then he can acquire the rest.


I completely agree...I never searched for a *Dom* but rather a dominant man...a man who's dominant nature was intrinsic to his personality. His flogging skills were really inconsequential.



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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 6:11:02 PM   
blueskyboy


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		thinking and trying something new is exciting - and i have been lucky enough to be a part of some amazing growth in character and perception that has nothing to do with age...just empowerment...taken not given

inexperience can be a big plus as it allows, even requires her to think for herself...and allows me to watch and feel the process too - sincerity is exciting as is the courage it takes to throw convention out and rethink...it is better in my experience if a domme is not just going through the motions for the umteenth time but feeling it with no plagerised storyline...that is real person to person life...and a rare jewel...and what many here really seek...i hope
something real - not another part to play

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/21/2008 6:44:10 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

The many opportunities to learn that are now available?  To learn WHAT?  All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered.  You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert.

Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom.  That's how to be a TOP.  Big difference.



Reinvent the wheel if it makes you feel superior.  No real harm ... well not much

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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