RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s

RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (Full Version)

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MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 7:29:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: MstrObjectmaker Which I think is a fair way to go about things. Would it actualy matter if you didn't?... it is THEIR relationship, HIS rules. And as I say, what is the big deal anyhow, you shouldn't be discussing anything with an Owned girl that you wouldn't be comfortable with her Master knowing about anyhow. Hey it probably doesn't matter to her or her Master but then they are not "Me" now are they. And yes its their relationship. And who said I wasn't comfortable with what I was discussing with "her"?

RavenMuse -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 7:55:27 AM)
"her" is an Owned girl... if you where comfortable with her Master knowing what you where discussing then why would you have felt the need for a thread such as this? If you are fully respecting that the girl is Owned then why should it matter whether or not her Master has access to it?

RCdc -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:13:43 AM)
Yes some dominants require access to their s-types mail/messenger/whatever. No I do not believe it is inherently control freakish, nor untrusting. Some partners automatically share mail and information either side of the whip. The thing I am seeing in this thread, is the assumption that owned submissives keep 'secrets' or respect privacy automatically. Now that to me is bad communication and disrespectful of other peoples relationships. In any relationship, regardless of whether someone is a dominant or submissive anything that is kept without the other's knowledge is unhealthy for the relationship. No ones privacy is worth risking a healthy relationship over. the.dark.

SleepyDom -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:32:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: SleepyDom While I generally do not expect total privacy in online communication, I also don't expect for them to be read by other people (other than the one I'm writing to). So if she happens to be a monitored sub, she better let me know. Otherwise, I'd consider it a betrayal on her part if I shared something in confidence with the understanding that no one else is reading it. I'd never speak to her again. This is simply a matter of integrity. It isn't a matter of 'integrity' at all, not when dealing with an OWNED girl. she isn't Yours and you are aware she is under anothers rules....I always assume an Owned girl shares everything with her Master... some do, some don't, but always assume in the right direction. Besides, WTF is the big deal... if you are aware you are talking to an Owned girl then you shouldn't be discussing anything you would have a problem with her Master knowing about..... THAT is a matter of INTEGRITY! When did I say anything about talking to an OWNED girl?

SleepyDom -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:46:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Yes some dominants require access to their s-types mail/messenger/whatever. No I do not believe it is inherently control freakish, nor untrusting. Some partners automatically share mail and information either side of the whip. The thing I am seeing in this thread, is the assumption that owned submissives keep 'secrets' or respect privacy automatically. Now that to me is bad communication and disrespectful of other peoples relationships. In any relationship, regardless of whether someone is a dominant or submissive anything that is kept without the other's knowledge is unhealthy for the relationship. No ones privacy is worth risking a healthy relationship over. the.dark. I didn't assume a damn thing and I have no problem with an owned slave keeping no secrets from her Master. What I said is that if a sub is a monitored sub (perhaps she's owned, perhaps she's got some control freak mentor, yada yada yada) THEN she'd better let me know so I know that the communication isn't private. I don't assume that every one I speak to is a sub, or even a slave, much less an owned slave. You guys are the ones assuming so. And if someone acts like the communication IS private and then go tells someone else, then yes I do consider that a betrayal (if it was said in confidence) and it IS a matter of integrity. THAT is the big deal.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:53:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse "her" is an Owned girl... if you where comfortable with her Master knowing what you where discussing then why would you have felt the need for a thread such as this? If you are fully respecting that the girl is Owned then why should it matter whether or not her Master has access to it? First of all I was unaware that she had a Master and that he monitored her conversations. So my saying I was comfortable about discussing things with her, means just that. Let me clarify this one more time, When I first began chatting with this girl I did not know that she was owned. She did however tell me sometime later that she was incommunication with a Master and at that stage I got the impression that this Master was only her mentor. It was only sometime later that she clarified his complete ownership of her. I am not saying I am blameless, but to act responcibly in these things you first need to know all the boundaries. And anyway as far as I remember this thread is asking for clarification of the dynamics associated with online D/s.

RCdc -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:56:32 AM)
Ummmmm.... I didn't even mention you? But if the cap fits and you feel your words matched - then feel able to own them. You stated monitored - not owned. To me, that means that a s-types has already transfered a certain amount of authority over to someone else. I read your words meaning, that if someone was monitored then they should be upfront about it so you know about it. If I was responding to you I would have posted it to you in response, clear? In fact, your original particular post seemed pretty reasonable to me. the.dark.

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 8:57:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SleepyDom I didn't assume a damn thing and I have no problem with an owned slave keeping no secrets from her Master. What I said is that if a sub is a monitored sub (perhaps she's owned, perhaps she's got some control freak mentor, yada yada yada) THEN she'd better let me know so I know that the communication isn't private. I don't assume that every one I speak to is a sub, or even a slave, much less an owned slave. You guys are the ones assuming so. And if someone acts like the communication IS private and then go tells someone else, then yes I do consider that a betrayal (if it was said in confidence) and it IS a matter of integrity. THAT is the big deal.[/size] I concur completely with that statement. Thank you SleepyDom.

tsatske -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 9:29:24 AM)
MOM, first of all, your nick makes the most fantastic acronym! in other news - she is not worth talking to. An owned sub who does not tell you that she is owned - who further actively hides it by eventually mentioned she is 'talking with someone' (yea, i talk to Master all the time, but i don't hide the fact that he OWNs me.) is not a girl whose integrety you need to question - you already know. in the real world, and, even more so, online (where it is a little easier for people to hide from your internal moniters, because you can't see their face, body language, hear tone, ect), you will run into fakes, cheaters, liars, and other undesirables. walk away as quickly as you can. they are not worth another moment of your time. I seldom judge other people as 'fakes', too often that just means, 'not a good match for me'. I don't have a value judgement about another persons dynamics, if it works for them. But this dynamic includes lying to you - on that, feel free to make a value judgment.

IronBear -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 9:38:20 AM)
Sharing e,ails and conversations is not pecular to the online D/s and M/s scene. Most M/s couples I know (and yes i'm including poli homes too), share emails or at least most do and the others it is a one way street with collared folk bhaving their emails monitored. Stone the bloody crows, many couples outside the lifestyle (ie mundane) do the same damned thing. My wife and I make a point of not having secrets from each other which keeps our relationship honest and open. We are as most know as Master/Mistress relationship so there is egven more to share. I have the "keys" to her emails, private files on the computer and even her bank accounts and she has mine with one exception I don;'t share and keep secret patient files and details all of which are confidential and also matters pertainint to national ecurity which I have access to and so on. That side of my life, whilse she knows of it is kept well away from fer for her own safety. Every girl I have had had in the first instance offered me their emsail "keys" and made a point of keeping me adviused what had been happening. I refuse to make a song and dance about it, as it is just part of my being their Master and my care and consern for their well being, security and happiness... I am fussy about who nI have confidential conversatioins with and all our friends know that I will share what is said to Neets so thsat if they don't agree with that they know not to say anything to me. makes life far less complicated. Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

SleepyDom -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 10:16:23 AM)
Well IronBear, I've never shared my email account with anyone else, and I've never had anyone else share theirs with me, so if sharing email accounts is so common, then that's news to me. Doesn't really touch on my point at all though. If it's clear that confidentiality can't be kept (as in your case), there'd be no problem. The problem only arises in deception--if she acts like it is private when it isn't. What is the big deal? I mean who shares any secret big enough to matter anyway? It's a big deal to me because this is a matter of principle to me. And this principle clarified to me because of this experience I had: I once had a sub that I trusted and shared many very personal stories about my life, trusting that she would not share them with anyone else. Well, she cheated on me, lied to me, became collared by another Master and as his property told him stuff about me that was confidential. (We'd been living together for about four years.) I suppose her logic is: Now that I'm his property, every secret I possess he has a right to know. Uh uh. No way, Jose. Not in a million years does he have a right to anything I told her in confidence. By making her tell, he's destroying her integrity, her honor. And by telling (ordered to or not), she's destroying her integrity, her honor. I guess I'm very touchy on this subject because I'm still not over how angry I am at her. I'd never exchange another word with her. I'd never forgive her for what she did regardless of how repentant she might get. I know exactly where that line is.

SweetNika -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 10:31:38 AM)
I have been on both sides of this equation in the sense that when I was with Phoenix he had full access to my e-mail accounts, IM archives and CM account and I had full access to his. However, I always let those I was speaking with know upfront that he could if he so desired go in and read them. Some people choose to continue the conversation others did not, however; it was their choice up front. Now that I am no longer collared I have been speaking with a Dom who is involved with another woman and he told her some things about me, some things in my eyes are private and I feel betrayed in a real sense. My personal life is just that and unless I tell you up front I don’t care if it is shared then don’t share it. If you have someone that reads your IM archives, e-mails ECT than be up front about it - give me the option to continue on with the conversation. My private life is just that and it is MY choice who I share it with not yours, not your owners, not your submissive’s, and not your girl friends. If you divuldge something private regarding me to someone else regarless of your reasons I typically take that as a betrayal of trust and will think twice about what I tell you in the future if I even continue communicating with you. My uncle used to tell me if you want something private or kept a secret from the world then don't tell a soul b/c eventually they may slip and tell someone else. Blessed be, Nika

LaTigresse -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 10:33:09 AM)
Most women I've been in relationships with, of ALL types, tell stuff that was confidential. Whether it be friendships, relationships, whatever, a great percentage of women are going to tell someone else about your stuff. The solution, don't tell them anything you don't want the world knowing. It is safer to assume it will not be kept confidential rather than the opposite. I never write anyone an email that I assume their significant other/best friend/whatever, might not be able to read. Be courteous and keep your personal shit to yourself. Problem solved.

pettingdragons -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 10:36:28 AM)
[sm=slappy.gif] are we back to Domtromping? LOL giggles just breaking up the thread for a bit of humor....now back to our regularly scheduled program.... pettingdragons Master Dragons considered slave May the life force of the squirrels protect your nuts in times of distress....

SleepyDom -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 10:54:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Most women I've been in relationships with, of ALL types, tell stuff that was confidential. Whether it be friendships, relationships, whatever, a great percentage of women are going to tell someone else about your stuff. The solution, don't tell them anything you don't want the world knowing. It is safer to assume it will not be kept confidential rather than the opposite. I never write anyone an email that I assume their significant other/best friend/whatever, might not be able to read. Be courteous and keep your personal shit to yourself. Problem solved. Well those women had no honor then; I'm sorry you've been involved with such low grade of women. I'm sure there are lots of women with honor and integrity. As for not sharing personal stuff, well, that's what intimacy is. You don't rule out love just because you've been hurt. You don't rule out trust just because you've been betrayed. The trick is to be a better judge of character, I suppose, but trust? Without trust there's nothing, there's no relationship. If I can't trust her with my personal stuff, we ain't having any relationship period. As for keeping personal shit to myself being courteous--well I don't get that at all. What does courtesy has to do with lack of intimacy/trust? pettingdragons, I'm just getting started on the Domtromping. Don't make me bite you.

LaTigresse -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 11:13:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SleepyDom Well those women had no honor then; I'm sorry you've been involved with such low grade of women. I'm sure there are lots of women with honor and integrity. As for not sharing personal stuff, well, that's what intimacy is. You don't rule out love just because you've been hurt. You don't rule out trust just because you've been betrayed. The trick is to be a better judge of character, I suppose, but trust? Without trust there's nothing, there's no relationship. If I can't trust her with my personal stuff, we ain't having any relationship period. As for keeping personal shit to myself being courteous--well I don't get that at all. What does courtesy has to do with lack of intimacy/trust? I never said I had been hurt. I said that most of the women I have known in my life tell someone else, usually their best friend, very personal stuff. If you don't believe that happens..........well, keep dreaming. For myself, I learned from a very young age what girls and women were like........I tend to spend alot of time around them yanno. I've been told things that would make their S.O.'s turn 10 shades of crimson. As for the other part........perhaps I didn't punctuate or word it properly. Maybe if I rewrite it you will get it...... When writing people it is best to A. be courteous (aka consider that others may see it and if you are not courteous one of those others may want to kick your ass!) and B. Keep your personal stuff to yourself because (others may see it). Better?

MstrObjectmaker -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 11:26:59 AM)
From reading through this thread over the last couple of days. I have come to the conclusion that the general consensus on this subject is that there are some amongst us who believe there should be no such thing as privacy in a D/s-M/s relationship. And anyone who finds themselves chatting to someone who is "owned" should take that into account before divulging any sensitive information. And then there are others amongst us, myself included, who believe any intimate relationship is about trust and therefore the need to micro manage our "significant/insignificant" other halves life is not that necessary. In saying that I am not saying that those of us who do believe in micro managment don't necessarily trust their "significant/insignificant" other halves. Just that their view of trust within an intimate relationship is a different kind of trust. Further more those of us who see no point to Micro management believe that trust and privacy go hand in hand. So when we stumble across someone who is not completely candid about their other online relationships and the extent to which those relationships operate, we tend to feel ever so slightly betrayed when our percieved right to privacy is compromised by said person. Is that about right?

SleepyDom -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 11:27:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I never said I had been hurt. I said that most of the women I have known in my life tell someone else, usually their best friend, very personal stuff. If you don't believe that happens..........well, keep dreaming. For myself, I learned from a very young age what girls and women were like........I tend to spend alot of time around them yanno. I've been told things that would make their S.O.'s turn 10 shades of crimson. As for the other part........perhaps I didn't punctuate or word it properly. Maybe if I rewrite it you will get it...... When writing people it is best to A. be courteous (aka consider that others may see it and if you are not courteous one of those others may want to kick your ass!) and B. Keep your personal stuff to yourself because (others may see it). Better? Oh I believe it happens. Hell, it's happened to me. Are most women like that? I don't know. Maybe. I suspect most men don't have honor or integrity either. At the same time, I'm sure there are still lots of women and men who have honor. However, even if 99.9% of all people are like that doesn't mean that I will let it slide. On the contrary, I have a rule to never get involved in any capacity whatsoever whom I know for sure have no integrity. Well, I guess I'm a loner for a reason. Ok, I see that A had nothing to do with B. Still, I don't even know why you brought it up. I don't give a fuck if any Dom wants to kick my ass, that's their problem. If I'm courteous, that's because I'm a nice person, not because I'm afraid someone might want to beat me up. Hell, I have no problem confronting someone and not be courteous if I don't feel like being nice. And no one was discussing problems of privacy because one was not being courteous and wanted to hide it from others reading. It's like you come to a discussion and abruptly advise: hey don't forget to clean your room. WTF that's got to do with anything anyone's been discussion?

SweetNika -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 11:31:06 AM)
MOM, I can't and don't speak for others only for myself. When Phoenix and I allowed each other access to our various accounts it wasn't because of lack of trust or because I needed to be micro-managed. In truth he very rarely read them it was simply the fact that he could read them. It was a reminder to me that even in virtual space I was his and expected to act accordingly. To say that all those that give their partner access to their accounts regardless of the labels they were are micro-mangining one another or lacking trust is a HUGE generalization. blessed be, Nika

RedMagic1 -> RE: Curious about the dynamics of online D/s (5/28/2008 11:31:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SleepyDom I guess I'm a loner for a reason. Yes.

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