julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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To me, a predator can't be defined by what he or she does on a given night. It's not about them coming to a party drunk or meeting the new people or even having drama in their relationships and lives. Those are the things that tend to blur the discussions of this topic all the time. And let me say right up front that yes, a predator can't be defined as just a male dominant. Predators exist on all sides of the D/s fence. They are male; they are female. They are dominant and they are submissive and everything in between. Often they can be counted on to always be around to help when it comes to whatever needs to be done, thus creating good will with those who would have the power to kick or ban them from whatever they are attending. Lines get blurry, y'know?
But the one thing a predator can't hide is his or her resume. To me, a predator has a very long resume. In our case here, when you sit in a room full of women and every single person in that room can relate that they've had problems with that person - some of it dating back 10 years (meaning that for 10 years, they've continued to have problems with that person that they've tried time and again to resolve, both on their own, by going to their dominants and by going to those who host the parties and events in which he hunts and are still fighting that fight.), then it's time to stop making excuses for behavior and start recognizing that there is probably a SIGNIFICANT problem.
The biggest problem is that as a whole, people don't like doing this stuff. Dominant or submissive, we don't like the possible rifts taking a stand can cause. No one really wants the fight or the drama. So, we all stick our heads in the sand, fall back on the old "there is more than one truth" excuses and do nothing. We hope that "he'll get the message this time" even though experience tells us that he won't. We look for people who genuinely do like him (and he will always have those who do.) and use that as an excuse to not get involved. We look for anything we can so that we don't have to do what's distasteful to us. (I mean, we will, but it still doesn't make it any more palatable.) And "we" means the hosts, the dominants, and anyone else who typically seems like he or she can effect change as well as the submissives this is happening to. None of us is exempt.) And yes, as submissives, we've all heard the additional recommendations to "speak up. Stand up for yourself.. Let him know how you feel." We have done that - repeatedly, to no avail.
But I can tell you what one such predator has accomplished around here. He has a VERY long resume. If anyone around here even obliquely says anything at all regarding their experiences with this person, every other person they're talking to can and does respond, "you mean _____?" And they are dead on every single time. In this situation, the person is a dominant. This person has accomplished what few, if any before him have ever accomplished. He's united many of the submissives so that we now finally watch each other's backs. For the first time in a very long time, the submissives around here are angry, and we're angry beyond words.
We are angry enough that now, everyone watches him and makes no bones about interfering when he acquires a new target. We are angry enough that now, we are speaking up loudly and often when things happen - even if they don't happen to us - and we're willing to do this as a group. We've reached the stage where we're willing to take the heat because no one else will. And we are not willing to be polite or respectful in how we do this anymore. We've figured out that this person uses the fact that for the most part we do try to be polite and respectful in our dealings with others against us and we're not buying this anymore. Nor are we buying the whole speel about cliques and the propensity to wrongly accuse. When an entire room of women is angry because they all have personal accounts of their unwanted interactions with this person, we're done buying the company line about "two truths" and "he's not here to defend himself." We've finally realized that in regard to our own perception of safety, the only truth we're concerned with is the one that gives us some respite from this person.
What's been interesting is that since he got wind of our intentions, he's become a lot more aware of the fact that people are watching him. He's toned down what he does and has become a bit less "intrusive." And no, this person's actions are not limited to just being what might be considered socially inept. They run a LOT deeper than that. This in turn has made the events we attend more comfortable. However, we're under no illusions. He's been down this road before and leopards don't change their spots. But for now, things appear to be better.
In rhe end, around here, how people are dealing with someone they consider to be a predator now is that right or wrong, we're making sure his actions are noticed and we're making sure he knows they are. (And yes, I know this way leaves him open to attack even when one time it might not be warranted, but doing nothing has left us with nothing else to do.)
More than anything, we just wish he'd leave us alone.
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 5/28/2008 3:01:43 AM >
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RE: Defineing "predator" to be banned in the ... - 
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