Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D)

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Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/27/2008 10:04:55 PM

MrMongoose

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The transformation wasn't sudden, but the result was not.

For many years, I played at being dominant and by all accounts, didn't do to bad and had allot of fun. Oh I had a bit if a sadistic streak, but not much past really kinky vanilla. Even switched here and there, owner/pet most of those types of things in exploring. I can't say though as I ever really submitted ... may have been compliant for awhile, but never, to how I understand it now, did I submit. (I would have for one, but that didn't happen.) The fully D/s couples were a bit of a mystery to me ... the odd combination of gentleman and the animal with his pet/toy. After a rather length, and play filled relationship with a woman I now know to be a very real sub, I left. Got married and, I thought, because the wife had a submissive streak, that I would be OK.

--

In the interim, I helped a slave break confinement, her master was using her illegal status in the country to take away her kids. I could not stand for it, and helped make clean her return to the UK. Bad, but necessary. A sour turn happened in the marriage, one of those in sickness and health things, with the my wife's pregnancy I was suddenly no longer 'just' a bit to big for her, without extreme care, I'd harm her unintentionally. Oh, sex could still happen, but gone was banging like to 'year of the rabbits' that we were.
--

I guess I have a will of iron, cause it took over 7 years for me to realize that I was not OK. To realize that I was in fact, on the edge of cracking. Oddly enough, this coincided with finishing my electrical engineering degree, and the recovery from a spinal injury, perhaps I'd just been blinded to myself in school. When looking a the scene again, it was with new eyes, some of the subtle distinctions made sense. And with much thought, I believe (and am looking for confirmation) that two things are going on at once. I'm back in the scene, taking action, to prevent the little yello smiley up there.

1) Due to the pent up frustration of years, I'm 'markedly more' sadistic than I was, this may or may not calm down. Some time with a bottom was recommended, highly.

2) I not only understand the Dom role, I'm not sure I can ever go back ... I feel the desire to be served, because it makes the server happy. (Right now I cannot tell if this is a need or a just a desire, my perception is skewed by #1.) And after many years as a pagan, know full well that more energy is exchanged, the healthier and more whole, both are. I feel this exchange to be part of it.

I do have a ... 'mentor of sorts' over in the UK that I chat with ... he helped identify that it was 2 issues, and not 1 thing. But, ever the engineer that I am, the more confirmation the better.

Do I have the right of this?
Am I walking into this deluded?
Can this co-exist with a marriage, even one with an 'open' clause?

--

MrMongoose

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RE: Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/27/2008 10:10:25 PM

GreedyTop

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I believe it can, provided that all parties involved are aware of each other, perhaps even to the extent that your wife is aware of which activities you are planning with your sub (assuming I got the gist of your question understood correctly).

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RE: Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/27/2008 11:27:23 PM

LadyPact

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It can, and I tell people this all of the time because I do it.

From the sound of it, OP, you are now where I was about three years ago. I did the same thing. Took a 'break' from the lifestyle, and married a vanilla man. (In My story, there was never any confusion or thought that he might be submissive. He wasn't, still isn't, and never will be.) As he and I started exploring some other alternative lifestyles, BDSM came back into My life and the time came that he and I had to have a serious talk. Long story short, it worked out for Me, being honest with him about Myself and what I wanted in My life. To My great gratitude, My husband was able to learn to work with Me, and it's turned out well.

With all of that said, it wasn't as easy as I might make it sound in the above. There was a learning process. An establishment of trust process. An educational process. What surprised Me was the exploring his interest process. It was different for Me, too. I, also, came back more sadistic than I was prior. In My case, that didn't go away, so I had to learn how to embrace My sadistic side. Another process.

I know what you mean about the second time coming around seeing things with new eyes. I connect to the lifestyle in a whole new way this time around. Maybe it's because I don't have the doubts about who I am. I don't know if that's what you are experiencing, but I know that's how it worked in My world.

Good luck. It can happen, *if* you're willing to put in the work, and the honesty with your wife.

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RE: Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/28/2008 6:21:23 AM

DarkSteven

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It sounds to me like you and your wife had a lot of stress in your marriage. Working while going to school, the spinal injury, the pregnancy, and I suspect that there may have been some issues with your wife regarding the slave that you freed. The fact that sex is painful and delicate for your wife could be a legit physical issue, or it could be a desire for distance on her part.

I think that your wife may be very receptve to an open marriage. Just make sure that the marriage itself keeps.

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RE: Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/28/2008 10:07:54 AM

MrMongoose

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(quick reply) I'm working on a more thoughfull reply to what has been said as I awoke with a .. one new word for something I am feeling.

But no, my wife was as involved as I in the issue of the slave. You see, she used to be a social worker ... and will always help those that want it AND will take the steps. And though 'the slave' (to avoid names) would have relished it, there was no play between us.

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RE: Thoughts on a tranformation; (Sw)-(D) - 5/28/2008 10:51:25 AM

MrMongoose

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If I were not familiar with energy work, I do not know if I could have controlled myself without a mentor present; I do believe I finally have words for the feeling of ... the awakening ... to domspace ... visualize Queen of the Damned, when lestat sits up and says; ~more!~

'A bit if a submissive streak' is a world of difference from the belief my wife is a submissive. She never will be a sub ... but; finally there is a new place to take the conversation other than to a place of emotional strain between us. We've had the open clause there, literally from the vows (ours), to allow handling of the unexpected, and we have both flirted heavily, but are in practice a monogamous couple.

--

Still, I'm not detracting from the validity of what LadyPact has said, it is heartening to hear that such IS possible. It is not a lack of love between us, and I do hope the physiological changes can be corrected with a surgery for her ... But at this point, denying myself would be tantamount to suicide. (at least that's how it feels) It is a legit physical issue, and she's come to tears over it (a very, very rare occurrence for her) precisely twice. And until we are both an employed lawyer, and engineer, there seems to be no hope ... getting the needed 'repairs' ... Still, it is heartening to know that, NO, I'm not some freak for what has changed and what I am feeling now. I'll have to get prepared for the probability that the sadist side will not diminish ... that of course, sounds like fun. In some ways I'd always been a tad disappointed that ... I wasn't as I am now.

LOL

It's a fun transition ... but true to a promise to my mentor, I will seek a bottom to make sure that, because it's so important, that I'm not hunting a submissive while hungry. Before I'd have described submissives as lovely and courageous ... and that has not changed, but now ... I'd have to say, yummy is a better word for the surface thought.

--

MrMongoose

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