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Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 12:45:49 PM   
ownedjulia


Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		what's the best way to suppress feelings of jealousy?

Master and i are not polyamourous in the usual sense of the word but he does like to play with allows and and allow others to play with me. This weekend he played with another female sub and i know they had a good time. i want to be pleased for him and happy he enjoyed it yet this is this knot of jealousy deep inside me.

Several times now he has punished me and suggested techniques for removing it yet nothing seems to be working.

Right now i am in trouble with him over this yet i don't see a clear way out.

any advice?

thanks.



< Message edited by ownedjulia -- 10/25/2005 12:46:55 PM >

_____________________________

~julia
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 12:58:24 PM   
wolfinside


Posts: 74
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think you are having a normal (for you) reaction to the situation.

I don't think you can change your basic nature. I also don't think you are a "jealous person" by nature.

I just think that sharing your dom with other women is not for you.

Have you considered this in that light?


Wolf


(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:01:54 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		im not sure i can help but i dont think punishment would help heal the feelings of jealousy, just cause it to be repressed and hidden. that's just me though.

this is a part of the reason why ive never been in the couple-side of a threesome. i dont like to share...luckily, neither does my dom.

i think the response of the other person has much to do with quelling (sp?) jealousy. if he can help reassure you that he loves you and cares for you and being with others doesn't change that, it might help. of course, this also takes some trust on your own part that your relationship is strong and stable.

i think there was another post on this not too far back.

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:03:00 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia
what's the best way to suppress feelings of jealousy?

Don't. Suppressing emotions never works. Now, how you choose to EXPRESS your jealousy is another matter. Whether you laugh about it, ponder it, simply say it outright, whatever method works best for you.

quote:


Master and i are not polyamourous in the usual sense of the word but he does like to play with allows and and allow others to play with me. This weekend he played with another female sub and i know they had a good time. i want to be pleased for him and happy he enjoyed it yet this is this knot of jealousy deep inside me.

I'm extremely poly (if that makes sense) and I STILL get jealous when my partners play. It's possible to be both positively thrilled and happy for them AND jealous at the same time.

quote:

Right now i am in trouble with him over this yet i don't see a clear way out.

Get in trouble for what exactly? Having a feeling isn't really anything to be punished for...it's what you DO with the feelings that matter.

For me, when I get jealous, I recognize it within myself, usually amusingly shaking my head at myself, and focus on the long term positive aspects of it. I recognize that the jealousy is my own insecurities, nothing REAL, nothing to do with the other PERSON- but mine and mine alone. Later on I likely tell the other person (most people enjoy hearing they caused a bit of jealousy) so they can be aware of it and then we move on.

Expressing these feelings during the scene or occasion is almost always a bad idea.

Here's a chunk of my standard poly essay:

A response to the question: What do you do about jealousy in relationships (poly specific)?

It depends on how much experience everyone has, what the situation is, and what your options are. Have you read the Ethical Slut? That can be an immense help atp utting a lot of ideas together in workable ways.Obviously starting out, TALK TALK TALK. There is NO TOLERANCE for hiding things, pushing things away, and lying. If it doesn't catch up to you today, it WILL catch up to you in a month.

Normally in Ds poly you have two sides- the established relationship and the newcomer. The newcomer is happy, but worried. She has a lot of history and establishment she's coming into. She wants to feel welcomed, but doesn't want to get lost or ganged up on.The established relationship wants to try a new mix, wants to be happy with new people, but is going to have to relearn how to work while maintaining the solidarity that you had before. This isn't just adding a side of fries to your meal, it's adding a new person to your life. There might also be pressure from other "friends" that this new person is obviously just trying to break you up.This boils down to being totally honest. What type of poly do you want, a family? friend? lover? will you both be able to have independent relationships? What will you do when someone goes out of town? what about sex? What needs to be kept "special"?

Some of these answers you should have a fairly good grasp of before you go out looking and others will simply come in time and experience. Your answers might also change over time.What does this have to do with jealousy? 70-80% of all jealousy comes from not knowing and not being secure in the relationship you have. This is eliminated by clear communication, clear intent and clear expectations.

Next- EXPECT jealousy. EXPECT that your strong world will sometimes fall apart and you will feel lonely, rejected and as if something else is taking it away from you. Once you realize that it's GOING to happen, you can stop wasting time geeling guilty about experiencing it. Communicate it of course, but remember that (given that everyone is being a mature adult) everyone is working towards a fulfilling relationship for everyone. Sort out priorities. Poly relationships are ALL about deciding what is priority, when and how. The better your sort them out, the more you can understand how everyone else has to sort them out, but the better you can deal with an immediate situation.

Take the time to figure out your jealousy at the moment, and then figure how it fits into the long term picture- tomorrow? next week? a year? Sometimes it's best to just let it go. Sometimes its best to talk it out (you talk a LOT in the beginning and then you keep talking a LOT throughout).

Remember that everyone in their own way is dealing with the same issues you are- trying to work together. We all have lives, we all have our sensitivies, our losses, our responses, our illusions, our condemnation, our celebrations and more. Fitting them together into a whole is never smooth. But, if it is truly how everyone will feel fulfilled, and if it is a good balance between everyone, it can work, and work very happily.

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:06:50 PM   
ownedjulia


Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Get in trouble for what exactly? Having a feeling isn't really anything to be punished for...it's what you DO with the feelings that matter.


There is a lot more to it than just the jealousy, i neglected a few chores whilst he was with her.


< Message edited by ownedjulia -- 10/25/2005 1:10:03 PM >

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~julia
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(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:07:31 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia
quote:

Get in trouble for what exactly? Having a feeling isn't really anything to be punished for...it's what you DO with the feelings that matter.


There is a lot more to it than just the jealousy.

No surprise there. You can feel free to privately mail if you want.

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:13:43 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia

what's the best way to suppress feelings of jealousy?

Master and i are not polyamourous in the usual sense of the word but he does like to play with allows and and allow others to play with me. This weekend he played with another female sub and i know they had a good time. i want to be pleased for him and happy he enjoyed it yet this is this knot of jealousy deep inside me.

any advice?



If you find the magic pill for this one I need to know where you find the stuff too. As un Sub like as it may be, I dont mind sharing as long as it's MY idea. ......... yea yea i know. send the damn rubber chicken.
Q

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:16:17 PM   
wolfinside


Posts: 74
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
I love to share my girlfriends sexually, as long as I am sure of their love and commitment. And I do once in a while feel a bit jealous, but it isn't hurtful to me, it can almost be erotic.

But it sounds to me like you are feeling hurtful, harmful feelings of jealousy. That is why I wonder if you are cut out for this sort of thing.

I share any women I am with, but most of those would have been quite jealous of sharing me. It is not my fantasy to have lots of different women or more than one woman at the same time so it is not a problem for me to share them, and not partake myself.

I wouldn't have sex or play with other women knowing it would be truely hurtful to the one I was with. I don't think being a dom gives me the right to dictate that kind of relationship to a submissive women.

Of course, that's the way I roll, your mileage may vary.

Maybe he is not truely aware how it is affecting you? Maybe talking it out may help? Maybe if he thought he might lose you, he might re-think his position.

Lets face it, you have power in this relationship too. You can always walk. Will he be willing to risk that?

I guess what I am saying, is that maybe him having other people is a limit for you.

If any lover demands something that is a limit for you, walking away has to be an option.

Is a relationship worth any cost?


Wolf




(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:24:09 PM   
ownedjulia


Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I share any women I am with, but most of those would have been quite jealous of sharing me. It is not my fantasy to have lots of different women or more than one woman at the same time so it is not a problem for me to share them, and not partake myself.


Yes, this is the same for me. I have been shared out a few times and have no problems with this at all.

Maybe it's because with our power dynamic he picks who i am to be shared with but i have no say in who goes with.

It's something he does rarely so i WANT him to enjoy himself but wanting a doing are two different things for me right now.





_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to wolfinside)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 1:36:05 PM   
wolfinside


Posts: 74
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedjulia

quote:

I share any women I am with, but most of those would have been quite jealous of sharing me. It is not my fantasy to have lots of different women or more than one woman at the same time so it is not a problem for me to share them, and not partake myself.


Yes, this is the same for me. I have been shared out a few times and have no problems with this at all.

Maybe it's because with our power dynamic he picks who i am to be shared with but i have no say in who goes with.

It's something he does rarely so i WANT him to enjoy himself but wanting a doing are two different things for me right now.








I can feel your angst in this. I wonder if he can. Sometimes in my life, I have just been operating on auto pilot and not aware of how my woman felt about something. Sometimes I was just a dumb shit frankly, and she had difficulty expressing it in a way I could hear. (and the hilarity ensued believe me) (and by hilarity I mean stuff that was not at all funny)

Please have a heart to heart talk with him, because I can also see how much you care for him. And I suspect he cares for you very much as well. Work it out.

It's funny about the sharing thing. Everyone has their own parameters about how they can go about it.

There was one woman who thought she could share me with other women. But, ..... I have never met a woman who would even consider letting touch another women in a dominant way.

That belonged to them. (not that I had the desire to dom other women, as I did not)

Likewise, I love to watch my girlfriend get completely used sexually by other men.

But, the idea of a man "dominating" her is "right out". No way.

I don't want another man binding her, or flogging her etc. No way. That's mine, and mine only because it reaches a much deeper level than just sex.

But I know people who are just to opposite.


People are funny huh?


Wolf

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 3:40:27 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		You can't control your reactions or emotions, but how you deal with them. It sounds like you dealt with it in a passive aggressive way of neglecting obligations in order to show your displeasure? To make sure it did not go unnoticed?

quote:

Take the time to figure out your jealousy at the moment, and then figure how it fits into the long term picture- tomorrow? next week? a year? Sometimes it's best to just let it go. Sometimes its best to talk it out (you talk a LOT in the beginning and then you keep talking a LOT throughout).


While communication is clearly vital, I think sometimes the best action is to let something go (really, REALLY letting it go) and moving on. Perhaps not this time, but something to think about in the future.

Sometimes you want or need to talk, perhaps even a marathon-analysis-session. Other times you can acknowledge something internally, identify the cause, and just move forward. For me effective communication doesn't mean expressing every thought or emotion I might have and certainly not at the exact moment I have it.

(in reply to wolfinside)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 4:27:44 PM   
ownedjulia


Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You can't control your reactions or emotions, but how you deal with them. It sounds like you dealt with it in a passive aggressive way of neglecting obligations in order to show your displeasure? To make sure it did not go unnoticed?


Yes, this is EXACTLY how i dealt with it.

quote:

While communication is clearly vital, I think sometimes the best action is to let something go (really, REALLY letting it go) and moving on. Perhaps not this time, but something to think about in the future.


Yes. This is not the first time i have shown jealousy and we have discussed it but i need to learn how to let go of the jealousy and get ON with things.


_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 4:36:43 PM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with what ES has said here for you and lusti have something in common, she gets jealous but is now doing a lot better at not showing it. I do not play away, and if I do play with someone she is a part of that scene. If I lend her out I am still apart of it, even if it is just me watching over her. I try to releive her fears as she is my chosen slave, and as I said she is finding it easier. I would not punish her for being jealous I would for reacting to her jealousy in a negative way.

_____________________________

Those who can make you believe absurdities
can make you commit atrocities.
—Voltaire

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong
—Voltaire

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 4:52:21 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Of course, wanting to let go and actually being ABLE to let go are two entirely different things. ;)

It seems that different spark things spark jealous feelings even when it is not a typical problem overall. I once became very upset over a bottle of champagne. I was okay with his romantic weekend with her and looking forward to the tales of passionate sex he would share when he returned. Then I found a receipt for champage and became indignant and enraged that he bought the SAME kind of champagne that we typically shared. It was not about brand of champagne of course, it was about the feeling of not being unique or "special." One man I was in a relationship with loved to watch me have sex with others, but became upset if I would touch the side of the face of my partner. It was somehow intimate in a way that made him uncomfotable, possibly because that touch meant something special to him. I, on the other hand, always had a pause when I heard a woman calling out his name in that raspy breathy moaning way. My ex husband willingly sent me out to indulge in my bisexual side with girls, but would become upset if I was too late returning. Part of it was eagerness to have me back, and part of it was the left out feeling that increased the longer I took to return.

A friend of mine (not involved in a poly relationship) had lots of issues woth jealousy and anger, quite unfounded. They were HER issues and we developed a way to help her let go. She would write down what she was feeling (jealousy, rage, fear, all of the above) and why. Specifically what happened that led to it and what she identified as the underlying reason. If she responded poorly, she would write how she might react differently in the future. If it was something that needed to be addressed by communicating with her husband, she wrote how that occurred. Then she (we) would wad up the paper into a ball and set it on fire. As it burned she would "let go" of that particular incident and then dump the ashes. It helped her focus and be aware of her reactions as well as serving a symbolic end of the incident.

Perhaps there is something you could do to assist you with the letting go and moving on?

(in reply to ownedjulia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 4:59:14 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		jealousy is one of the strongest emotions we have going for us. Embrace it. It allows you to experience the strength of your love to your Master. Just be careful and recognize that it could also be your downfall.
This is where Trust comes in. Trust your Master and understand that his actions are not to make you jealous, but to satisfy his thirst.

It's a tough lesson......I still get jealous when my dog runs to someone else when they whistle, but he always comes back.....so too will your Master.

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to WickedKev)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 5:55:55 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		One of the things I find REALLY important (and something that's covered in The Ethical Slut, I cannot recommend this book enough. Even if you don't love the wholething, it WILL get your thoughts organized) is to work with your partners what is "special" between you both.

One of the more secure lasting poly relationships I know have a rule about pillows. Her partner can have women sleep over as much as they want, sleep, fuck, play in bed, whatever. But they can't use her pillow. That's HER pillow and something that remains special to her.

Sure, a pillow, no big deal. But it's something for HER, it's something that says "my space, my smell" and something that grounds her and lets her know everything is ok.

Whether it's a type of condoms, a toy, a restaurant, a song, WHATEVER, discussing "what's special" can be the best way to build bonds and break through jealousy patterns.

And please next time, remember the effect your passive aggressive behavior will have on this poor new girl your dom is playing with or any other future person- who has done nothing wrong and yet stigmatized against poly. If nothing else, perhaps that will help you control your behavior.

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 6:47:11 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		E-
that is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heared.

Thank you. I intend to pass it along to a set of my friends who have an open relationship and a lot of complication.

_____________________________

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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 6:48:41 PM   
Kasia


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

One of the more secure lasting poly relationships I know have a rule about pillows. Her partner can have women sleep over as much as they want, sleep, fuck, play in bed, whatever. But they can't use her pillow. That's HER pillow and something that remains special to her.

I love your point Emerald.
I have pretty common rule with my husband - we dont kiss in mouth, that is something reserved only for ourselves.
The thing is I never had any problems with him having sex with someone else, but I had couple of bad fits when he was sort of courting - I felt deprived of his attention. If I am completely aware that I am the first one and only one that truly matters I have no problems in those things.

Maybe you should analize your deep feelings, ownedjulia, and see where that jealousy comes from. I know mine gets awaked only when my egocentrism it touched in some way.

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Kassia

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/25/2005 7:11:57 PM   
Rommel


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		If you suddenly find yourself on a rollercoaster when all along you thought it was only a choo-choo train ride, you have two choices. Get off, leaping from the car to your doom. (this analogy represents running from a problem and never working through it) -or- ride the puppy and try to have fun. Who knows, you may overcome many of your negative feelings, fears and behaviors by re-focusing on ONLY pleasing your Master. To choose the latter opens new doors. If you don't like where those pathways lead, set clear limits and boundaries before you get involved the next time and get out, count your losses and move on. Best of luck to you darling..

(in reply to Kasia)
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RE: Breaking Jealousy - 10/26/2005 5:28:58 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

any advice?


No advice here. I would have huge jealousy issues with your situation. HUGE. I hope it all works out. I understand the passive-agressive stuff, but it's a bad road to go down, better to talk and get it out.

Good luck.

(in reply to ownedjulia)
Profile   Post #: 20
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