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julietsierra -> RE: Definition (6/1/2008 11:30:35 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allcatsaregrey
Personally, I enjoy some humiliation but would not consider myself an emotional masochist. For me, emotional sadism and abuse feel too close for comfort, due to my having been emotionally abused most of my life. I am not sure how I could differentiate between the scene and reality. For example, if someone I played with said something too insulting to me in scene, I know I would carry it with me into my everyday life. I don't know how I could get over that, either. Still, I do find the idea of emotional sadism very appealing from a bottom's POV. Hopefully, I'm not the only person in the world both appalled but aroused by an emotional thrashing.
You've stated exactly the reason why I can't do humiliation in relation to emotional sadism. He is actually always very careful to not go that route with me for just that very reason. Heck, he doesn't even raise his voice to me unless he's shouting for me to get the net because he's got a great fish on the line. However, there are more ways than just insulting someone to create the ouches that thrill and he thrills me to no end. Sure, there are times when he inadvertantly hits a trigger, but then he's right there to talk about what happened, give comfort and he makes sure it never happens again.
But in answer to the idea that he does this as some sort of therapy, I'd like to point out that every day on these boards we read of people for whom beatings and spankings are cathartic and we all seem to nod our heads and reply that we understand and that it happens to us too. However, when people play with the psyche, now it's therapy?
Daily we read of dominants who like to find ways of "improving" their submissives'/slaves' lives. Heck, often it seems that that whole process of changing a submissive/slave is somehow a mark of the degree of the dominant's experience and competancy, yet let their area of expertice fall in the more psychological and suddenly they're less of the sadist and more of a therapist? lol.
I guarantee you the theraputic effects are less of a motivation of his than the pain inflicted as we move through what we do.
And that is the difference between emotional sadism and just a different kind of counseling. I will admit that in many ways, I'm better for knowing him. And yes, emotional play can be cathartic, but mostly, it just hurts and feels wonderful all at the same time. But the reason we do what we do is to play with the pain, not just because I need to work through something difficult in my past. That's like saying that the ONLY reason there is for beating someone's ass is because they did something wrong and are deserving of corporal punishment.
Lots of people play with physical sadism in their relationships, but I'd venture to say it's not all about learning a more correct way of doing things, even though part of the process might just teach that. I'd even venture to say that the people who play with physical sadism are doing so because they like the effect of it on their partners and themselves. The same can be said of emotional sadism and even while it SEEMS that it's "just therapy," I'd like to point out that if any credible psychologist or counselor used his techniques, it'd be considered much more close to unethical practices than to therapy. But heck, if it's him and if what he does produces such interesting effects in me, give me unethical practices any day! Cause we're having fun! And if my life improves along the way... well that's just a real nice side effect.
I've given the analogy of what we do to be somewhat like aversion therapy but that's because there are few descriptors available to show that there are more ways to do emotional SM than just humiliation. Heck, to me, humiliation is the easiest way of engaging in emotional sadism and I've been trying not to diminish this because so many people enjoy it, but honestly, humiliation is just the surface stuff. It's easy peasy to do and requires hardly any thought. We've all been insulting people since we were in kindergarten. However, emotional sadism can be much more than that. It is designed to hit on things like fears of abandonment, the need for consistency, the feeling that it should somehow be a right to know in advance what you're going to be doing so that you can prepare for it, just to name a few. It involves taking what is the very hardest thing for you to do and then, putting you in situations where you have to do that very thing. (For me, it's affection. I am a very touchy feely person with someone I care about. It's the one thing I could say I need the most. It is also the one thing he withholds from me except in rare moments. I am constantly turned on end because of this and often it feels like it is more than I can handle... and just when I feel I can't take any more, he's there with a touch, a caress or simply something said so quietly that I almost think I missed it. But when those moments come..... they're beyond compare - in part, precisely because they are more often withheld - and I'm turned on end once more. The entire process is positively delicious.)
Emotional sadism as we play with it is very difficult to describe, but I really would never consider it therapy - even if there are times when it does acheve theraputic results.
juliet
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