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rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/30/2008 11:44:51 PM   
cutekansasswitch


Posts: 27
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Is he being rude or am I being oversensitive? Here are 2 recent examples.

1. I asked for help on something I was having difficulty with. He said he couldn't   believe I had problems understanding it. I felt embarrassed and stupid.

2. We were having a conversation about credit. I told him about a couple of shiesty companies. He said "I really didn't need to know that" and I felt all embarassed and stupid. Whenever the subject of credit comes up with others I know and one of them shares something, everyone listens and then adds their own stories. Guess I thought that's how normal conversations go.

Anyway, this guy has alot of good qualities. He maintains stable employment, has a nice car, has never non-consentually abused a woman, and he's very affectionate and seems to care about me alot. He wants our relationship to become serious and so do I, but now I find myself having doubts over this communication problem. Having someone to talk to and listen to (conversation) is important to me. He doesn't seem to realize he's being rude unless I point it out to him....if he is in fact being rude. I guess that's my question. Is he even being rude or am I too sensitive/ overreacting?
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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:10:55 AM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Considering that communication is of the utmost importance in a relationship, the fact that he is making you feel embarrassed and/or stupid when you try to talk to him is what I'd call a big deal.  It is also disturbing that he'd imply that your cognitive abilities are lacking just because you're having difficulty understanding something.  So my answer is that you're not being overly sensitive in this case.

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:11:49 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		ok, since theres only one side to this story..

my initial reaction is this:

emotional/psychological abuse.


He seems to be (from your post) saying stuff to belittle you.. red flag/.

Do you want to deal with this? because if he;s doing this now, as an abuser it will only get worse.

just my .25

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:14:25 AM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Do you want to deal with this? because if he;s doing this now, as an abuser it will only get worse.



Exactly.

_____________________________

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:16:05 AM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline 		Yes I think hes being an asshole... Part of a relationship is listening even when you dont want to hear it or could care less. To be blunt I could give a rats ass about teaching elementary school and I feel that if you passed 1st you can teach Kindergarten. Yet my ex was a kindergarten teacher so I listened to the tales of her workday, familiarized myself with the jargon and lingo etc... Similarly, I could care less about her best friends marital problems - but you listen because if you care about someone and have respect for them thats what you do. I hated Tina, but I didnt tell her "Gee, you mean Jerrod hasnt actually strangled the bitch yet?" I listened...

Communication is THE most important thing in a relationship and if you have to tell someone they are being rude its because they are too fucking clueless and stupid to recognize that they are a waste of skin. I am beyond rude, in fact I am an arrogant cocksucker asshole who is widely despised. In my job, if you fuck up, I will without a moments hesitation or second thought give you an unfavorable evaluation that will cost you your career and if you question me on it I will tell you that you just dont cut it, dont have what it takes, and arent good enough.... However, those who MATTER dont see that side of me and generally see me as a loving, gentle, and caring man. The key is to know who to be rude to and who not to.

Thats because there are people who matter and people who dont, and you dont shit on the ones who matter. So if you have to ask if he is treating you badly than he is and the relationship is a negative force in your life. End it and find someone who cares about you. Remmeber, always look out for yourself first and dont take on "project people" and "fixer upper relationships" - words to live by - You Cant Polish A Turd... 

Edited to add: If you think "stable employment and a nice car" are good qualities in a man, perhaps you should raise the bar a bit. Thats kind of a "bare minimum" requirement in todays world. Any asswipe with a permanent address and a checking account can get a nice car - check the newspaper "no credit, bad credit, nobody turned away"in every other ad... Here in Houston even the illegal aliens have nice cars, they just bring $65 a week to the dealer and it doesnt get reposessed. Stable employment is necessary to avoid homelessness... Hardly criteria for the man of ones dreams. 

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 5/31/2008 12:36:30 AM >

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:21:48 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cutekansasswitch
Is he being rude or am I being oversensitive?

He's rude.
quote:


1. I asked for help on something I was having difficulty with. He said he couldn't   believe I had problems understanding it. I felt embarrassed and stupid.

As teachers are fond of saying, there are no stupid questions.  There are, however, stupid answers, and he gave you the one at the top of the list.


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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:29:56 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		If you are being devalued now and you are not in a serious relationship yet, how will it be when you are? Do you think it will get better? This character flaw of his is likely deep seated  shows his feelings of inadequacy. If he wasnt insecure, he wouldnt have to belittle others to feel better.

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 12:48:49 AM   
DomAviator


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Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

This character flaw of his is likely deep seated  shows his feelings of inadequacy. If he wasnt insecure, he wouldnt have to belittle others to feel better.


While I agree with the concept of what you are saying - ie that this is a destructive relationship and it will only get worse I take exception to the part quoted above. Belittling others is not necessarily a deep seated flaw in which you belittle others to feel better. Sometimes you belittle others because you are superior in abilities, and it is your duty to evaluate and to weed out the substandard, defective, and inadequate. For example, a substantial portion of my job is to wash out those who just dont cut it. Thats what I get paid handsomely for, to be the impartial prick who ensures that only the very very best make it and I have a fiduciary duty to my clients, their insurance companies, and the public to see to it that the defective are kicked to the curb - even if it means dashing thier lifes dream and leaving them with $60,000 in debt they can pay off working at burgerking. The key is to belittle for the right reason, and to know who to belittle and who not to and it sounds like the posters BF doesnt know that difference or have that reason.

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 1:04:07 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomAviator

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

This character flaw of his is likely deep seated  shows his feelings of inadequacy. If he wasnt insecure, he wouldnt have to belittle others to feel better.


While I agree with the concept of what you are saying - ie that this is a destructive relationship and it will only get worse I take exception to the part quoted above. Belittling others is not necessarily a deep seated flaw in which you belittle others to feel better. Sometimes you belittle others because you are superior in abilities, and it is your duty to evaluate and to weed out the substandard, defective, and inadequate. For example, a substantial portion of my job is to wash out those who just dont cut it. Thats what I get paid handsomely for, to be the impartial prick who ensures that only the very very best make it and I have a fiduciary duty to my clients, their insurance companies, and the public to see to it that the defective are kicked to the curb - even if it means dashing thier lifes dream and leaving them with $60,000 in debt they can pay off working at burgerking. The key is to belittle for the right reason, and to know who to belittle and who not to and it sounds like the posters BF doesnt know that difference or have that reason.


Sorry if a stuck a cord with you. But we are talking about relations with potential lovers, not workplace relations. Even in that case the best leaders lead without belittling. Its not productive, Constructive criticism works. letting people know how they failed and how they can improve or why they are being let go is beneficial. belittling isnt.

Only small minded people think the way you do.

How did that feel? I was belittling you. Did it serve a purpose?


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Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 1:06:54 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

The key is to belittle for the right reason

There is no right reason.  Never was....never will be.  Belittling is never in the order of things.


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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 1:17:45 AM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Only you know this man well enough to make a decision on the level of his rudeness.  Some people just aren't "people persons."  People like that just aren't very good at communicating with others.  It doesn't always make them rude.  They just don't truly understand other people.  As you said, I doubt he realizes he's being rude.  I have known many people like that.  I have a really good friend that I have known since I was a teenager.  He's like that.  He says rude shit to people all the time.  I know he doesn't mean to do it, that's just the way he is.  He doesn't do it to me or his other close friends.  The only people that can put up with him are sarcastic pricks like me. 

When you deal with people like that, you need to speak up.  If you feel embarrassed or stupid, then you need to say so right then and there.  I'm not telling you to be a bitch about it, but you need to be assertive.  If you hold in all that frustration, you are eventually going to blow and release it all in one moment of rage.  That's a never a good thing.  When he cuts you off or belittles something yous said, then you need to follow up immediately with feedback to let him know you don't appreciate it.  I use sarcasm when I do it.  You can make your own decision on how you choose to deal with it. 

I can't tell you whether or not you should stay with him.  Only you can make that decision.  If you really love him and you want to try, then you have to stand up for yourself.  No one can make you feel stupid.  Your feelings belong to you.  You don't have to let him or anyone else make you feel bad about yourself. 

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 1:43:22 AM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Sorry if a stuck a cord with you. But we are talking about relations with potential lovers, not workplace relations. Even in that case the best leaders lead without belittling. Its not productive, Constructive criticism works. letting people know how they failed and how they can improve or why they are being let go is beneficial. belittling isnt.

Only small minded people think the way you do.

How did that feel? I was belittling you. Did it serve a purpose?



It didnt strike a chord, nor did I have any feelings at all about it at all. (I am far from thin skinned) I am small minded and readily admit it, (I call it "singularity of purpose") I have a specific task to do when I teach and it isnt to "improve people" it is to cull the herd of the thousands who want to down to the handful that can. There is no room in my world for substandard performance, sugar coating, or sensitivity to candidates feelings. If someone busts a simulator ride, I very calmly look at them and tell them "Congratulations, you are dead, I am dead, five flight attendants are dead, 132 fare paying passengers each of whom has a lawyer is dead, and you just made a $150,000,000 hole in the ground simply because you dont know how to read a fucking checklist and to follow procedures. We are done here, reapply in a year when you know how to fly..."  Im not there to mentor them or to improve them or to make them feel good about themselves, Im there to see who has what it takes to get past me so that the chosen ones can then face off with a selection board of five even bigger pricks.

However, on the original topic - as I said there are people you shit on and people you dont and those you are in a relationship with fall into the latter category. People, who may be a complete prick for legitimate professional reasons still need to know whos important to them and who isnt and to treat those who are properly. There is no excuse for what this guy with the "nice car and stable job" is doing to make his partner feel so inadequate. Its destructive and unhealthy and nobody should tolerate it in a relationship.

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 1:52:05 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

There is no room in my world for substandard performance

There is no room in any world for substandard performance.  In any world, there is no performance more substandard than tearing another human being down. 

If you choose to diminish another human being, you choose to do less than your best.  That is not a wise choice.

We improve the world by raising people up.  We do not improve the world through any other means. 


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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:05:44 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

We improve the world by raising people up.  



Within the realms of firm and fair, I agree.

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:10:29 AM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

There is no room in my world for substandard performance

There is no room in any world for substandard performance.  In any world, there is no performance more substandard than tearing another human being down. 

If you choose to diminish another human being, you choose to do less than your best.  That is not a wise choice.

We improve the world by raising people up.  We do not improve the world through any other means. 



Celtic. I dont know if you ever served in the military (and hence went through a basic training / ocs type program) but if so then you realize that what they do is in fact tear you down so that they can rebuild you and so that they can find any weakness or flaw that will render you unsuitable for the job at hand.

If a person cant hack me, then they sure as hell cant hack a dispatcher who wants the flight to go in marginal weather because it will fuck up his whole hub system and result in 900 missed connections and reticketings... They cant hack a captain who says he has the runway in sight when you know god damn well thats the parallel roadway and not the runway. They cant hack a controller who gives a bad clearance. They cant hack the mechanic who says "it will probably be fine, dont worry about it" and they cant hack the lounge full of irate passengers who have to get to important things like grannys house in Buffalo...

My job isnt to "raise people up" or to "improve the world" it is to serve as gatekeeper to a fairly exclusive club that literally thousands of people want to join and few have the ability to. I have literally seen grown men piss in their pants and emerge from a simulator emergency procedures session shaking and in tears. It is my job to ensure that those people do not find their way into the right, or worse yet left, seat of an aircraft your family may be flying on.

It seems harsh, but sometimes the kindest thing one can do is to discourage the unworthy and incompetent. They live longer that way - If someone had the balls to tell JFK Junior what a fuckup he was then he, his wife, and his sister in law, would be alive today... Instead, they kissed his ass because of who he was - with fatal consequences.

But again, that doesnt carry over to relationships. Unless, the person is in fact a fuck up, in which case you cut them loose because nobody should be in a destructive relationship that leaves them doubting themselves. They is a lid for every pot, its a matter of finding the one that fits well. Dating isnt life and death....

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:22:12 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

Celtic. I dont know if you ever served in the military (and hence went through a basic training / ocs type program) but if so then you realize that what they do is in fact tear you down so that they can rebuild you and so that they can find any weakness or flaw that will render you unsuitable for the job at hand.

USMC
MOS 2531

Been there, done that, actually know what I'm talking about.

And the reality remains:

If you choose to diminish another human being, you choose to do less than your best.  That is not a wise choice.



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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:29:09 AM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline 		OK well if you weren't "diminshed" , mocked, ridiculed, insulted, torn down, and generally broken down and rebuilt by the DI's at Paris Island I guess they must have a kinder gentler breed of Gunnies than we faced in Pensacola.... Ours had one focus in mind, getting as many people as possible to drop on request from the program...

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:31:48 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		I was made a Marine.....how is that being diminished?

Getting back to the topic at hand....cutekansasswitch, never let anyone make you feel less than you are.....

Good people will always raise you up.  The measure of a relationship is how good it makes us feel about ourselves.


< Message edited by celticlord2112 -- 5/31/2008 2:41:48 AM >

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:38:55 AM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

I was made a Marine.....how is that being diminished?



You made it... How many didn't? They didnt take a gentle nurturing "we are here to help you and to make a better world approch" did they? Ours screamed, ran us till we puked, walked up and down the tables in chow hall kicking food into the face of anyone whose cutlery wasnt properly grounded to the plate, played head games and did everything humanly possible to make us quit, so that only the worthy were left at graduation. I dont know if you have DOR in the enlisted boot camp, but we did at OCS. The gunnies, chiefs, and candy O's had a mission - to collect as many DOR's as possible until week 7 when the class was secured and then to work with those who remained....

However, the original poster isnt going through that shes dating and if she has to ask if she is being mistreated then she is. A healty relationship doesnt leave you wondering if you should be in it. Thats how I knew to divorce Laura... The morning I woke up saying "what the fuck am I doing with this crazy ass bitch" I knew it was time to see the lawyer.

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 5/31/2008 2:46:18 AM >

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RE: rudeness or oversensitivity - 5/31/2008 2:45:18 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		OK OK DomAviator, we get it, you're big and tough and strong.

The OP didn't ask about training in the defence forces, she asked a questions about her relationship. Two vastly different things. Get back on track and stop hijacking her thread to tell everyone about your training.

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