RE: Im right here, where are you ?

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RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 9:40:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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For me if you have to spend a lot of time working on the basics, there's obviously problems. I want to spend my time simply BEING together, ENJOYING eachother. I know a lot of people's kinks is the training and pushing of limits itself, but that's not me. Obviously there's always going to be some measure of reinforcement, tweaking and progression of service at any one point, but generally we are here to make eachothers lives happier and easier overall. For me, needing to give lots of oversight, needing to be directly in control and permission isn't what I find happier and easier.

All a matter of compatibility.

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RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:25:26 AM

TysGalilah

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{I thrive on learning new things because my passion lies in constantly evolving. This is true acedemically, creatively, and in all parts of my life. Until now I never considered that it might carry over into my love life.
Thanks for your post. }

You're welcome Andrea : ) and thanks for yours!
yes
passion lies in constantly evolving.....yes

I, too, am a person who loves to create..learn..express myself in various ways. I paint, write poetry, grow gardens, nurture kids for a living and because I love it and love watching things and kids and people grow, change and evolve.

I lived ( no gory details, they are boring at this point) too many of my adult years suppressing my emotions/feelings and thoughts and my sexuality and creativity got squelched along the way. my submission and my relationship with Tyson opened up flood gates !... but I had found someone strong enough to hold and secure everything that came pouring out.
I am forever grateful for him and for his strength..

perhaps what you , so wisely, point out is what I am having trouble understanding about the scenario I describe. Passion untapped.

Some will read the above s-type as being ungrateful, disrepectful, non-compliant...self-serving ...perhaps even topping from the bottom, if she were to express her feelings of wanting.

in my experience, lifes passions subdued or squelched becomes emotionally painful.
...and for a s-type who's love of serving and pleasing might be one of their passions in life, this may lead to a serious internal struggle & in the relationship. and, imo, the term "struggle" is a very unnatural part of a ds dynamic......yuck! and sigh.

Thanks Andrea : )

< Message edited by TysGalilah -- 5/31/2008 10:27:49 AM >

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

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Post #: 22

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:41:51 AM

TysGalilah

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Hejira

yes..communication : )
you communicated
he >He explains that life sometimes gets in the way of living, but He listens and takes my feelings into account
and he changed things! made a working solution for the strength of the relationship. Together you kept it from becoming complacent.

thanks for your response, it is appreciated
Cyndi

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

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Post #: 23

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:50:15 AM

TysGalilah

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DV
Thanks for your comments and I am glad your relationships work so well : )
The scenario I posed really wasn't about the need ( or desire to ) for micro-managing...or discipline.

infact> the point is the s-type in this is very much capable of taking care of themselves and DOES and is self-motivating, and obedient...the relationship has evolved to one that needs very little guidance or re-direction of the s-type. BUT does the lack of need or necessity of it, negate the need for the energy in the relationship that leadership and commands/assignments/re-direction by the D-type creates!?

therein, lies the dilemma which created the question which caused me to start the thread..

thanks again for your imput.

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 24

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:56:11 AM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

BUT does the lack of need or necessity of it, negate the need for the energy in the relationship that leadership and commands/assignments/re-direction by the D-type creates!?

Not at all. The energy in the relationship should never have to come from correcting the mistakes. You want to focus on the positive, which means learning new skills, perfecting old skills, and taking up things together. I would be highly disappointed if my boys being well behaved meant that the spark had gone out, as it were. We still have very obvious leadership, there is just not the need for correction and redirection on a constant basis. We are far from stagnant, we learn new things rather than rehash old ones.
If in my TPE with Fox, it gets to where things are getting boring, we plan photo shoots. He is learning to assist me with my photography and I am teaching him to be a photographer as well as a model. I do not have to correct much, but there is a definate learning process which will never truly be completed. Once he gets to be sufficiently talented in taking the photos I wil teach him to edit. There is never a lack of things to teach adn for me to lead, even if he serves atthe basic level with almost no interference from me.
DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 25

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:57:25 AM

DrkJourney

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As far as the rituals and everyday things, yes those become automated, as is how I want them. For him to anticipate my needs and take care of them. I don't think throwing them a curve in this respect would be useful at all, and would cause confusion. Kind of like if you had a butler or maid...this is the job part of serving.

I will always have other interests, task, games, etc. that run concurrent to rituals, that I also do on a daily basis, to change things up, keep it interesting so things do not get boring. I don't want to be bored either.

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(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 26

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 10:59:05 AM

christine1

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i'm right here too...but my here and you're here might be in different places.

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Post #: 27

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 11:03:55 AM

TysGalilah

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I agree LA
"All a matter of compatibility. "

which is why I made a point of saying this scenario is one of a LT long-term.   the compatibility and mutual goals have been well established in the past.

and
you mention
   reinforcement, tweaking, and progression of service...
well> isn't that leadership and continued attention to the basic dynamic you have both/all agreed upon? ie > not allowing complacency to happen.

as I reponded to DV > I am not talking about micro-managing or needy s-types.

MasterFireMaam and Andrea   mention
Leadership and   expressing ones passion
and this is resonating in my head alot...

they were both at the core of the relationship when it began.
Perhaps even feels like "the foundation" of sorts.

thanks again LA for your imput : )
Cyndi

< Message edited by TysGalilah -- 5/31/2008 11:14:50 AM >

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 28

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 11:08:34 AM

TysGalilah

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thanks DrkJourney
here here for changin things up from time to time : )
: )

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to DrkJourney)

Post #: 29

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 11:10:25 AM

TysGalilah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: christine1

i'm right here too...but my here and you're here might be in different places.

deep.....I'm going to think about that one.
thank you
smiles.

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to christine1)

Post #: 30

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 2:56:55 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

{When expectations and desires are met with the right characteristics and skills to achieve those expecations and desires.... one will reach contentment. Have few expectations and desires and it will take little to meet them and contentment will be reach quickly. Have strong characterisitics and skills and a person can meet expectations and desires (goals) quicker and contentment sets in. }

if I am reading this correctly, You feel reaching contentment is a good and positive goal. Yes?

contentment as in balance, comfort, less stress << I am all for that for sure

Not necessarily... I think it is good to have moments of contentment. That have a struggle to achieve certain expectation or acquire the skills to reach a certain expectation.. that a moment of contentment is good to savor the success.

But... In general.. I don't prefer a goal of contentment for the sake of contentment. I prefer growth.. enhancement of the person and relationship. With growth and enhancement.. their is going to be stress at times.

quote:

You also mention expectations and capability.
if the leadership and expectations fade..the challenges disappear because of contentment ( comfort ) ...how and when do you see this becoming a detriment and/or a positive?
is there a cut off point?

challenges do not disappear because of contentment... they disappear because no one is driving the challenges. And they just might not be driving them because they are happy and content because of where they are at in that given moment. For some people.. there is nothing wrong with just holding pat with the way things are now.. .but for some.. this is stagnation and is actually a negative for the way they approach life in general. It depends on the persons.. there is no universal answer here.. only individual ones.

quote:

to some who love to serve > expectations of = desire for

to some>
challenges are an avenue for the s-type to show and give service and devotion.
what if the contentment and comfort put up roadblocks to the avenue of serving and being served.

do you see this as a failure or character defect in the s-types ability to acquiesce.?? is her desire for challenge and commands/demands a sign of .....of what????

A person that desires challenges etc .. regardless of D or S type personality is just a characteristic of the person that must be dealt with constructively. A s type that is challenge orientated who is matched with a D type that is contentment orientated will have a certain set of issues.. but there is issues if the orientations were reversed. Just because their is issues... doesn't mean things are negative... it really a question of who do they manage those issues. Maybe the differences are so great that they are not a suited match in the first place. Or they might beable to find a way to resolve the issues for both in constructive manner.

As a D type.. I have two s-type people that are different in this regard. Kyra is more challenge orientated compared to Alandra. The key .. is a understand and appreciate the difference of the two and more importantly what they as individuals require. So.. I treat them as the individuals as they are and still foster the authority transfer that I desire. Keeping in mind that I have my own tendencies that affect things as well.

Is there issues.. of course.. but there is also solutions!.... you just have to look for them.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 31

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 3:27:10 PM

TysGalilah

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challenges do not disappear because of contentment... they disappear because no one is driving the challenges

A person that desires challenges etc .. regardless of D or S type personality is just a characteristic of the person that must be dealt with constructively.

KoM
thank you, again, for your words and thoughts..

Cyndi

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 32

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 4:23:26 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

Do you ever feel
well....paid less attention to, because Alandra needs more guidance and re-direction than you do?

Not at all. I even had to think about this for a bit because we just don't approach our relationship in those terms, i.e. who is getting more or less of something. Each person gets what they need and whoever has the greatest need is placed as a priority. Mostly we all seek to give to the relationship and the relatioship gives us what we need and want. It is a much less stressful way than trying to keep a balance sheet on who is getting what.

There was a time that I asked him if he was less strict with me than with Alandra (this was before I moved into the house). His priorities at that point were to maximize the quality of our limited time together and not focus on mistakes that were not important at the time. There was also a necessary learning curve on my part to learn what he wants, which I think will be an ongoing process for the rest of our lives. Now that I live here, I do not perceive any less strictness in regards to me.

quote:

what if..
( don'cha just love those)
he became so content and happy with you exactly as you are...?
can you see that happening?
how would that effect your dynamic?

Because of who he is, that does not seem like a possibility. He is a person who likes to continually grow and evolve. Much of it life provides naturally, but he has a deep desire to continue to be a better person. He expects this out of both me and Alandra. I naturally have this desire as well and even if not spurred by him, I would instigate it on my own. Being compatible in this regard was important for me and I probably would not be with him otherwise.

quote:

you say its a product of the personality of the one serving...
in some ways I do agree...but isn't is also about the personality of the d-type?
KoM strikes me as a man who enjoys pushing the envelopes of anyone and anything around him....
this of course, is based purely on my readings of his posts.

Yes, I agree that both of them play a part in this. I was not ruling that out and should have made that more clear. I just saw us as an example where two submissives were with the same dominant and despite the differences in how long we have been together, there is a difference in how much we need to be corrected/disciplined.

It was my pleasure, Cindy. This has been an enjoyable thread for me. Enjoy your weekend.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 33

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 6:00:31 PM

TysGalilah

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Kyra

Both you and Knight mention the "challenge oriented" and the "contentment oriented"..and this has really given me something different and very important to think about. I appreciate so much your willingness to share of yourselves as you do...

and to everyone else that participated with thoughts..

Cyndi

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 34

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 7:51:07 PM

mbes

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I'm so glad I read this thread! The use of "challenge oriented" and "contentment oriented" has given me food for thought as well.
I think I am more of the first, and my other half is more the second. So my challenge sometimes is to submit to his style. I knew this, but couldn't have phrased it nearly so well before.

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 35

RE: Im right here, where are you ? - 5/31/2008 8:57:47 PM

Missokyst

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lol.. it is interesting to note how many people assume that this points to micromanaging.
I tend to be very driven. If something needs to happen I will see that it is done. When catering to my men it does not have to be constantly shoved into my brain "DO IT" so that he doesnt have to tell me and thereby ruin his peaceful existance.
I am fully adult and learned all the same things other people learned to do.. only I do it more anally.
But at the five year mark.. when things are smooth I notice that there is less of a need for him to capture my interest. He has me. I do things his way. Job done, now he can sit and reap in the reward. But me..? At 5-7 yrs I start to feel I am stagnating, even if I am still amorous with my mate it loses spontaneity. Only men I truly like as friends as well as lovers can understand when I am at that point.
This has less to do with bratty disobedience, micromanagement, or the idea that somehow I have lost the ability to serve his needs. But it does have everything to do with riding out that lull that we all hit, communicating, adapting, and evolving in a similar direction.
Sometimes when something seems to be running smoothly, one party cannot see the potholes in the road.
Kyst

(in reply to TysGalilah)

Post #: 36

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