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Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 2:52:45 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Have you ever opened up and been afraid by doing so you were going to scare the other person off or that they would react badly to it? How did you deal with that fear, especially if you had to wait to speak with them?
 
I ask because this morning I sent a friend a poem and his reaction has left me worried. He simply said "Wow,  I guess we need to talk." I am not sure how to take that and honestly. Okay, perhaps more than a little worried.  I called him and probably wont hear from him until later tonight or tomorrow but in the mean time I know me, I am going to be thinking the worse and I hope I am wrong. I hope I didn't make a mistake by sharing it with him. I guess I wont know until he calls me back.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 5/31/2008 3:40:50 PM >

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Blessed be,
Nika

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 2:57:14 PM   
cantilena


Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Have you ever opened up and been afraid by doing so you were going to scare the other person off or that they would react badly to it? How did you deal with that fear, especially if you had to wait to speak with them?
 
Blessed be,
Nika



Oh, lordie, yes... how I ever. 

In a practical sense, the only answer (as hard as it is...) I know of is to put it out of your mind and work on other things. 

In a larger sense, I have a motto that goes something like, "If in doubt, reach out."  Sometimes, that means I'm putting my foot in it, but more often I'm really glad that I did.  At the end of the day, the reality is that you sent him something beautiful that had meaning to you.  You're right in that it's up to him to accept or reject it, but that doesn't change your intent.

Best wishes... I know the waiting is the hard part.

(in reply to SweetNika)
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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 3:03:29 PM   
summersprite


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		Hi SweetNika,
Yes, it's hard to open yourself up to someone completely. I don't often do it.... or if I do I back away and close down pretty quick if their reaction is less than positive ;-) However, I think you're brave for doing so and if I got the answer, 'Wow, I guess we need to talk'... I wouldn't take that negatively. At least he is willing to talk to you, and a Wow at the beginning is more positive than other words I can think of ;-)
Stay calm - take some Rescue Remedy if you have it.... and know that all you've done is open the communication channels between you and him. It's obviously something you want/need an answer to.

(in reply to SweetNika)
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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 3:40:07 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		Oh yeah.   Most times, it's simply in my head.  But there's been a few times I've said something and wished I had not.   There's been other times I've said something (not earth shattering), just maybe didn't say it very well and had the other person take it the wrong way or in a way that I didn't mean it to come out.

Talking it out is always the best thing.   I never worry about it though.   I'm who I am, no matter how it may come out. 

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 4:27:11 PM   
LostLittleSoul2


Posts: 25
Joined: 3/21/2008
Status: offline 		Personally i am rarely afraid of others reaction. Especially on this profile I am pretty straight forward in the beginning, because it shows me how they accept my view about certain topics, how they cope with certain topics I dare to mention which are part of my life and show me as well a bit more how they deal with it. If they run away like a scary cat then they cant handle me anyway and I am better off without them; same is about those who try to ignore or put down my view, as I would not want to have them as my Master either. Therefore I enjoy to be pretty straight in the beginning as I dont do secrets and would not want a relationship with someone where I would have the impression I would need to hide certain topics as otherwise I might loose him, no thank you. Also recently I experienced how one guy used one part of my past in a very nasty way against me, with saying "you seem to have a high opinion about yourself as a xxxxxxxxxxxxx" which at least did proof straight away that my gut feeling about him was correct and that it is the best not to get involved with him. Therefore it is also kind of a defense mechanism for me to - maybe - find at some point the one I am looking for. In real life I do consider if it is worth mentioning things or not. So some people at work and at uni know about my submissive preference in a relationship, some dont. At uni I have especially two friends who know a lot about where one of them kind of get taught from the other and me what I am talking about as she didnt know the meaning of bdsm, vanilla, etc. She had a huge amount of inhibitions and I wasnt always sure if I can continue to tell person A about my progress on here when person B is with us, as there I didnt want to offend her as she didnt feel comfortable at all. But by now person B seems to enjoy quite a lot to learn that there is much more out there in life, even when it probably would not be her cup of tea, now she can be amused about it sometimes when I mention something which makes me happy or laugh on here. So in real life I consider what I can tell whom and once in a while I might get it wrong, but then it is not worth to continue the friendship anyway if someone cant cope with little missunderstoods or differences or whatever. I had one friend who struggled once - for serious reasons - with a decision I had to make but after a few week silence she got back and our friendship continues. As after all, thats what it is about to accept the other person how she is even when we might not always understand decisions which were made straightaway or disagree about some topics. Therefore those are the people who count a lot to me, where I dont need to be careful with every step what I dare to tell them and where I can be pretty blunt at times

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 4:35:38 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Oh sure, I have done that many times and will do it again in the future.  I intentionally did it when I first started exchanging emails with my Lord.  I did it early on, because if he didn't want the raw vulnerability from me, then he wasn't going to be a good match and there was no sense in expending energy in that direction.

I only do this with people who I want to have a deeper more intimate connection with, the relationship could be friendship or something more.  In order to do that, we both have to be start be vulnerable with each other.  For me to continue being vulnerable, I must perceive some vulnerability on their part as well.

I deal with the fear by reminding myself that their reaction has a lot more to do with them than it does with me.  If someone that I have chosen to be vulnerable with cannot handle that type of interaction with me then they are not compatible with the type of relationship that I want with them.  I either change my expectations and behaviors with them or the interaction ends all together.

Being vulnerable can be scarey.... but being vulnerable with the right person can be rewarding as hell and very fulfilling.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 4:55:35 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I did make myself very vulnerable and that is what is scaring me. I don't open up to many people and he knows this. I also agree that if he can not handle my raw vulnerability  than we wont be a good together. I have always believed my tag line that intimacy is based on shared vulnerability.  I don't regret sending it to him and I have to give him the opportunity to respond before I assume the worst.
 
Blessed be,
Nika
 

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 5:52:39 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


I only do this with people who I want to have a deeper more intimate connection with, the relationship could be friendship or something more.  In order to do that, we both have to be start be vulnerable with each other.  For me to continue being vulnerable, I must perceive some vulnerability on their part as well.

I deal with the fear by reminding myself that their reaction has a lot more to do with them than it does with me.  If someone that I have chosen to be vulnerable with cannot handle that type of interaction with me then they are not compatible with the type of relationship that I want with them.  I either change my expectations and behaviors with them or the interaction ends all together.

Being vulnerable can be scarey.... but being vulnerable with the right person can be rewarding as hell and very fulfilling.

Knight's Kyra


You said that extremely well.   I agree 100%.  

(in reply to kyraofMists)
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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 6:15:39 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

 I hope I didn't make a mistake by sharing it with him.  


What would make it a Mistake?



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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 9:10:21 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Holey smokes yes!
LOL I used to write all the time.  I wrote stories for anyone who asked, using a fantasy they found sparked their interest.  Shoot.. I had knife play, outdoor bondage, enema's medical play.. the gamut of things perverted, or romantic.  For a couple of years I had a following of fans.
Then.. I wrote a story that was really twisted.  The dominant I sent it too mulled it over for a week, without a word.  I was really confused because he normally would critique my work in a timely manner.  But this story.. he remained silent.
Finally he told me that he didn't want to insult me.  He said, if that women in my piece had those things happen to her, she would be in need of counselling.  That she would be too damaged and should not engage in bdsm.
I never told him that it was not a fictional piece. Particularly since he had often confided to me that of all our friends I was the most stable with good common sense.  But, after that point I dismissed any thought of seeking more than friendship from him.
Now I write and if someone does not understand it, tough. 
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 9:44:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's pretty much the biggest and hardest thing I've been working on with my partner.  I have that problem with friends- but I'm not AFRAID to share stuff with them, I just know that I can't and that our friendship is fairly limited. 

There are only a few people I am completely open with, and they get there slowly and harshly and many disappoint on the way.  But the people I get there with, no fear at all.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 5/31/2008 11:51:46 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

 I hope I didn't make a mistake by sharing it with him.  


What would make it a Mistake?




With writing people take different things from it, sometimes they take what the writer intends other times they interpret it totally different way and take something completely different from it. I guess that is what would make it a mistake if he took something totally different from it or didn't understand my intent with it.
 
Nika

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 3:57:18 AM   
TheEvilBstardsMo


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, I can understand why you are feeling anxious about the reaction.  Could you please let us know how things went.

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 5:25:37 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Have you ever opened up and been afraid by doing so you were going to scare the other person off or that they would react badly to it?


Yes.  Sometimes those fears were justified, and other times they were not.

There is really only one way I know of to deal with that fear... understand it.

For me, I feared the consequences of my actions.  Why?  Because I cared.  I cared about how the other person was going to react, what they thought, and how they felt.

But why did I care?  What did it really matter how the other person responded?

Because of how their response made me feel. 

Think about it.  Why do you care how this dominant responds?   What was your true purpose in sharing your poem in the first place?   Just what reaction were you hoping for?

Realize this... you ultimately cannot control what other people feel, think or do.  Sure, you can adjust your behavior to elicit the reactions that you want, but consider what your purpose is for doing so.  Is it to benefit them, or is it really for you?

(in reply to SweetNika)
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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 7:19:56 AM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		to the thread,

I still have this issue of sharing information about myself with others, not knowing how they will accept it, how they will chose to play it, rejection, making a commitment through the expression and not being 100% sure that my interests are really at that level of intimate disclosure to them.  I am rather reserved and quite private, so have the tendancy to not share my thoughts unless there seems to be incling of interest.  I play a rather safe game this way.  I commend others that take the risk though,  I use to be very open but time has suggested that I don't anymore.

Interesting topic for me, thank you for bringing it to light.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 11:52:15 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheEvilBstardsMo

Yes, I can understand why you are feeling anxious about the reaction.  Could you please let us know how things went.


I spoke with him a bit ago. He assured me the "Wow seems we need to talk." Was a good response. He was caught off gaurd (which he says I enjoy doing to him way to often) and had no idea I was thinking or feeling that way about him. -laughs-
 
Blessed be,
Nika

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 1:04:38 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I have been in that sitaution a few times, and often with Angel. Thankfuly, it has always worked out the way I wanted it, but it is always risky. Especially with written communication where you send it but you dont have the back and forth to make sure it is properly explained.

DV


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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 1:17:04 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		sometimes its easier to write out our fears instead of giving them voice. like many i had a troubled childhood broken family and all. i have many acquaintances but the number of those that i count as real Friends that i can confide in is counted on one hand. i understand your trepidation but remember the only way to overcome fear is to trust.

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 4:45:53 PM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		Hell yes. several meaningful times, and each time opening up, throwing myself wide open without the aid of a net or any other form of saving face.

There are those times when i have known that i have had to almost emotionally push a relationship envelope because i actually needed to share my own vulnerability with certain folks, just because the relationship had or was reaching the point that the only real way to take it further, let it grow some, was leaving the rawness of self and the possible consequences totally in their hands. Test the trust almost, and more, their understanding of me, my emotional self rather the physical.

And then that standing back, holding my breath and willing that the honesty, the vulnerability isn't thrown back, misunderstood.

i would not see it as a negative when someone says that "we need to talk", it just means someone needs communication at this point. The person in question might well understand what's just occurred, and wants you to know that they do understand what you have just let them become party to. i doubt there would be many who would say nothing at this point.

What i really hope for you is that there is a positive outcome to you trying to share your vulnerability with them, and that you haven't misjudged their ability to understand and need to communicate to the next level. Best of luck.



< Message edited by pinkwind -- 6/1/2008 4:48:35 PM >

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RE: Afraid of his reaction.... - 6/1/2008 4:50:56 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		This is my issue too.. But I have a principle which is I'd rather be hated and rejected for who I really am than admired and accepted for who I'm not and maybe never will be. I feel no sense of shame over who I am, nor my past, nor do I feel a sense of pride either. I'm just in my 40's with a past, baggage and issues and open and honest about it.

I've learned that opening up, although difficult and scary - and it is - is much better and healthier because if you're going to be rejected in a relationship it's much better to be rejected sooner rather than later. It's better not to be in a relationship than to be in a relationship on a false premise.

Knowing when and how to open up.. ah.. there's the secret. I don't know and can't offer any advice here. The mistakes and failures outnumber the successes, and this may continue to be the case. The above principle is no guarantee of any success but is my 'here and now'. The fact that there is some success to me is far more important than the failures and rejections.

My dearly departed grandmother taught me never to worry. You see, you can either do something about a situation, or you can't. If you can don't worry, just do what you feel. If you can't don't worry, for it will work out for the best.

Acceptance of me for me as I really am is the baseline for any friendship or relationship. If I have to measure my words and how I express myself with another person then I can be no more for them than a passing acquaintance.

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