chickpea
Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TysGalilah
2 mos
she already says she loves you...
you limit the time you are available...we all have stuff we deal with but how are you providing for and building her trust during the time you cannot see her ?
she's perhaps trying to sort out alll the feelings she is having..many probably very new and hard to understand why so intense... how are you addressing those? or is she even bring them to you???? if not that could be playing havoc with her internal trust stuff......trust in herself and trust in you..
she could be backing down because she doesnt know how to deal with all those feelings alone. they can be scary.
2 mos is a short time. It's hard to say where your relationship has progressed to at this point but...can a deep level of trust and trusting and trustworthyness really have had enough time to truly develope??
you might be expecting more of each other and each others reactions and commitment than the longevity realistically provides..
personally
I wouldn't assume.
how do you know her hesitations and change of plans are not due to her questioning your trustworthyness? and you dont say what you have done to build that in her.
step back from anything physical and focusing on the emotional and the basic foundation of trust. imo.
All the posts in this thread are great, I'm sort of rehashing the stuff I really agree with and putting my own spin /experience.
yeah, i think that the number of months isn't important but the quality of the months like if you talk everyday and see each other everyday VS. only once or twice a week, but if she only saw you on the weekends, then yeah maybe 2 months kind of short...
Sounds like you two are both testing the waters. On your part, you feel like you've done enough on the non-game playing end and expect the same from her. Two things disturb me about this (a) How do you know what the real reason is? Is she REALLY playing a game? I get a sense that you don't know all that much about what's going on in her life... (b) That you do something for the relationship, and that you expect a certain amount of "something done" back in the relationship. And take her response back as a reason because she doesn't like you? (obviously she does because she said she loved you...but you'll have to use your instinct or more info to be sure) (c) You are solely focusing on this monstrosity called "THE RELATIONSHIP"....rather than two individuals with different needs, different lives, etc. So when you focus on the individual, rather than this contrived relationship, I think it will allow you to be more creative in your actions (catering to her),
A relationship isn't about two individual performing actions like a physical dance (the actions part is secondary ... at least past the beginning getting to know each other stage), a relationship is about two individuals, their lives, and how you two bringing every once of each other to one another...click? It's not about one person doing one thing, and the other person doing something back... i mean it is at some level, but it's a narrow-focused.... you might miss some things. She seems well-intentioned (saying I love you, but then not seeing you), and then having to cancel... the picture seems broken. Yet, she doesn't seem malicious, or I don't get the sense that she's playing a game, at least not intentionally or in a huge one big orchestrated effort or manner, or maybe she is just distracted with other things you don't know about and isn't completely focused on this "relationship". So you need more information and try not to jump to conclusions. You also seem like a decent guy. But if it's all about sex, tell her. If you want to get to know her more and have a relationship, I'd lessen the sex (to prove her wrong) and maybe change your frame of reference in how you approach things, and it will allow you to maybe some pieces of the puzzle that you've missed about her before?
(1) Don't jump to conclusions
(2) Spend more quality time
(3) Do things that would make her feel trusting and more open with you (people aren't born trusting forever....they're made trusting) so you can figure out those mysteries and questions about her (i mean you can ask, but then she can lie or tell the truth....best to find out by just getting to know her more and her life by spending more time doing things other than sex. as she did complain about feeling like it was all about sex).
(4) Continue doing the right things you're doing. Of course, it takes communication and doing the right things, and acting the right way...but that's secondary (can be learned) to the individual (which can't be learned or changed).
(5) Broaden your perspective. Maybe a relationship is more than just 20 questions and performing this or that action and expecting something back. [like asking her what she wants, doing it, then voila an instant relationship!?]
In the most general and important sense it's very simple, a relationship is about having fun with someone you respect and like, and has something uniquely special to you (and vice versa) that allows you two to go beyond friends...maybe eventually build a life together....but that's in the future. When the relationship has had enough time and effort to develop beyond just hanging out, having fun doing things, getting to get a feel for each other, and getting to know each other's boundaries, and values and how important they are and how much each can bend on these. The thing is, you may want the relationship (and put effort into it) because she's hot, cute, smart, special, or whatever. (and instantly expect everything you do intense or not to be reciprocated) BUT she has to see it in you, before she really wants the relationship and actually sacrifices/devotes the same amount of effort into the relationship. Your job (all the effort) at the beginning is to show her, by actions right now, over and over that you're worth her effort, worth opening up to and trusting. Do it until she sees it. Do this if you feel in your gut and heart that she isn't seeing it, and she is special to you.
...This is what my happily married sister said, she didn't see something special in her husband at first few months they knew each other and sort of ignored him and treated him as a cool guy/friend on the outskirts of her life, but he kept being there for her, showing her through actions, then she began to see him in a different way, began to open up..etc.. well my sister's just now celebrating her 10th anniversary with him as a married couple.
Just be a positive force focus on being a person for her that she can just talk and open up to, start viewing her in terms of her as an individual with a life (rather than one half of a relationship), and don't jump to conclusions (instantly jump to a negative view that may contaminate your feelings of her due to something out of thin air) without all the information. Use your instincts, and see things from her perspective in addition to yours. If you truely believe there's something positive to be gained, and she is something special, that be there for her and eventually she will know this by repeated actions. After all, actions speak louder than words, and men are about actions. Women are about words? lol Nah, about feelings and opening up..  Some take longer to open up than others. Don't take it all so personally (give her the benefit of the doubt, until you truely 100% find the truth...and truth is proven over time, not instantaneously), perhaps it's due to a bunch of other things out of her control. Just be the best of you, show her what you're about, it's all organic....just by you writing this, you feel something for her, obviously she feels something for you because she said she loved you. Just use your instinct about her, keep being the best of you, spending time when you can, keep an open positive mind until proven guilty, and collect info slowly. She could be a player, or she could be distracted with other things in life, or a billion things.
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