quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Second, set some standards for yourself and stick to them.  I mean REALLY stick to them.  If her appearance doesn't fit with your requirements, she either has to change, be willing to change or hit the road.  The options are pretty much that simple.  Think about what standards you want for yourself and your reasons, make sure you know what you want and why.  Here's a recent example from my own life that might help.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
If you, as a dominant, were presented with this type of scenario where the apperance and dress of a potential submissive would require major change for them to be on par with your standards, would you attempt to invest the time or in the face of such drastic changes, do you think it should be chalked to "non-compatible"?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

If you, as a dominant, were presented with this type of scenario where the apperance and dress of a potential submissive would require major change for them to be on par with your standards, would you attempt to invest the time or in the face of such drastic changes, do you think it should be chalked to "non-compatible"?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My one issue is that you seem to be degrading or dismissive of her own style from the start.  Your preference is what works for you- that doesn't make it better.  In fact it seems she spends a lot of time and focus on creating this external expression of herself, so it's not as if she doesn't care.

You are completely in the right to want what you want, and you are completely in the right to form a relationship with someone knowingly having consent to decide how they will show themselves externally.

But don't start by disrespecting the choices she's made for herself so far just because it's not your style.  In fact I think you'll find her much more amenable if you show respect for who she is and how she expresses herself NOW and use that as a way to begin to change and grow into who she may become.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag


My friend, first off don't trouble yourself if its shallow or not.  You are entitled to want anything you damn well please... its your life after all.  Just make sure you can afford whatever it is.

Second, set some standards for yourself and stick to them.  I mean REALLY stick to them.  If her appearance doesn't fit with your requirements, she either has to change, be willing to change or hit the road.  The options are pretty much that simple.  Think about what standards you want for yourself and your reasons, make sure you know what you want and why.  Here's a recent example from my own life that might help.

Back just before xmas I met a local gal who works at a dept store.  She's cute and when she puts some effort into it is a damn snazzy dresser, plus she seems pretty cheerful and a lil on the smart side too.  I like her.  I had flirted with her for a few months without asking her out... mainly because at the time I just didn't have the time to date.  Well, the night I decide to ask her out and just as I'm about too, I find out she smokes.  That's a deal breaker for me because I'm VERY allergic to tobacco and plus I just think it stinks and is very unappealing.  So I asked her if she was trying to quit, she said she was.  So I gave her some incentive, quit smoking and I'd take her out to dinner anywhere she wanted to go (she said Sonic, I upgraded that to a local Japanese steak house... I do have my standards).  Months go by and she hasn't quit yet and I figured it was a lost cause... oh well.  Then this past Friday guess who strolls into my coffee shop... and makes a point of letting me know she had quit smoking and the next Sunday off... funny how things work out. 

Trust me, stick to your guns.

You can either try to change this girl yourself... or set your expectations and challenge her to meet them.  Which course you take is up to you.  If she's willing and interested in you enough you'd be amazed how much many will change to suit you.  If she isn't, it wouldn't have worked out anyway and you're better off moving on.  I've gone both routes, and which often depends more on how much spare time I have.  Right now I don't have much, so I tend to set challenges as with the girl above.

In the end, its up to you.  Stick to your standards and call the ball, then let things fall where they may and don't look back.  If she bends for you... she's yours, if not, she never would have been.

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ORIGINAL: antipode
Your mention of you're being a "budding conservative entrepreneur" further confuses the issue, because that is a standard applicable to vanilla relationships, which isn't what this forum is about.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Naiive. How many people have you effectively changed? It's an exercise in frustration, in my view. Find instead one who can be herself and be compatible too.

Disappointed, lil bit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit


It's not an issue of changing my standards. It's mostly a question of whether or not I am going to attempt to invest the time to get my standards or move on and find someone else.

Thanks for writing. I hope your bakery is going well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuffkinks
I have made some changes to the appearance of My little girl over the 2 1/2 years we've been together and if I wish, I will continue to do so. I have that privilege.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My one issue is that you seem to be degrading or dismissive of her own style from the start.  Your preference is what works for you- that doesn't make it better.  In fact it seems she spends a lot of time and focus on creating this external expression of herself, so it's not as if she doesn't care.

You are completely in the right to want what you want, and you are completely in the right to form a relationship with someone knowingly having consent to decide how they will show themselves externally.

But don't start by disrespecting the choices she's made for herself so far just because it's not your style.  In fact I think you'll find her much more amenable if you show respect for who she is and how she expresses herself NOW and use that as a way to begin to change and grow into who she may become.

Thanks for calling me out on that one and thanks to everyone who posted as well