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Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for an A... - 6/1/2008 10:03:03 PM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		My apologies in advance if this turns into a rant, but I'm hoping for some constructive advice, I promise.

I've been on CollarMe for... wow, just over a year now. Happy 1st anniversary to me. So, I've been on CollarMe for a year now, with not much to show for it. I've updated my journal at least once a week since the start of the year, and it's been almost exclusively to track weight loss. CollarMe has seen me go from an unhealthy 'obese' to a mundane 'overweight' in that time, from unattractive to average with an aim toward an appealingly healthy weight. Or at least, it would have seen me do that if it was watching. Despite having an updated journal and a picture up (which I took down tonight because I finally got sick of it), my "Who's Viewing Me?" page is consistently and perpetually empty. I'm an average guy in a massive crowd of dominant males, with no way to compete for the attention of the available females.

It doesn't really seem fair, to be honest. I'm young, intelligent, no longer physically repulsive even if I'm not yet lean and mean. I'm not rude or arrogant or presumptuous. I'm not married and trying to cheat on my spouse. I'm not an old man trying to rob a cradle, I'm not suffering a mid-life crisis. I admittedly don't have any real-life experience, but I do have online experience and a willingness to learn. Besides, I have to start somewhere, right? If every woman demands an experienced dom, that creates an insurmountable barrier to entry.

Honestly, what does it take to attract attention to myself? I don't want to spam messages filled with copypasta and trite, empty phrases. I attended a munch and was the youngest person there by at least ten years. I see workshops that charge single males extra at the door, and lose hope of not being outnumbered there as well. What more can I do? What other options do I have?

I'm a nice guy, really.

_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:13:58 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CirclMastr

It doesn't really seem fair, to be honest.

There's a reason for that.  Life isn't fair. 

What options do you have?  Keep trying and don't give up.  Aside from giving up, it's all anyone can do.

~stef


_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:17:11 PM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline 		My "who's viewing me" is always getting new hits from wimmens. And I luvs 'em all.

Maybe you're just not cool?

_____________________________

"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:17:22 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline 		Are you a nice guy? After all, your profile says zip about you....second please make up your mind about the munch.  I am assuming because you are grousing that you forgot what you wrote on 6/10/07:Heh, forum access at last. (I don't know why, but Firefox on my other PC doesn't like the forum. Ah well.)

I had a lot of fun, despite the food being overpriced and the chair horribly uncomfortable. ;) That's obviously a reflection on the restaurant rather than the people, though. I never said my thoughts would be organized before I started typing!

Obviously there was no one there I knew beforehand. My first impression was, honestly, surprise at the age of the other people there. It's probably not true, but it felt like I was the only one there under 40. Not that that was a bad thing, considering I was there hoping to learn from more experienced individuals, but I guess I was expecting more... diversification? I'm not sure how to put it, exactly.

It was a very casual atmosphere, which I much appreciated. A lot of the discussion wasn't even about BDSM, which I also appreciated; I don't think I could have brought myself to say anything at all if the conversation had started at the proverbial deep end of the pool.

The two major (in my mind, anyway) pieces of advice I got were to attend workshops on what I might be interested in, as well as to try joining a group called Gen X (IIRC) to meet people closer to my age. The hostess told me she would email me with more information, and I'd appreciate anyone here who can elaborate on them as well.

One thing that stood out in hindsight was the fact that I was asked whether I was a dom, but it wasn't asked whether I was straight/gay/bisexual. I realize that it's generally assumed in vanilla society that a person is straight until there's evidence to the contrary, and it got me to thinking if that carries over into BDSM or not. Of course, I could easily be overanalyzing. (And just to save everyone from clicking on my profile, I am in fact straight.)

All in all, despite some issues with the restaurant, it was definitely a good first experience for me. :)

So.....have you gotten out in the community since then, and met live people, or are you trusting the site to do it for you?  If you are looking to the site, participation by way of profile, (not just a journal of weight loss, although the loss is commendable) and more posts would help you immensely.

Just my  

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:18:57 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		You might have had more luck posting this in the ask a submissive board, but here goes. I would find your seeming obsession with your weight a turn off (if I was a sub, which I'm not). You appear to have a down on yourself, which doesn't inspire confidence. If you don't love yourself, how can anyone else, etc.

I know it's hard when you have done all the right things and no ones coming to the party, but you seriously need to be a bit more upbeat. There is very little in your profile to tell anyone who you are, what qualites you possess and also what qualities you look for in a sub.

Turning your nose up at munches because they were all old boilers is really not a great idea. Old boilers are fun as all hell (just ask me, I'll tell you!!), and they not only often have a wealth of experience and idea's, they also network away from munches, you know, like friends. Someone often knows someone and all that.

I'm sure you are a lovely guy, but you really need to do more than update your journal often and rabbit on about your weight. Congrats on the loss and feeling healthier, but it's probably the most unimportant part of who and what you are, so let people know all the other great things about you!!

Edited to add, get involved in the forum. People get to know you and you get to know them and ya know, there are some AMAZING people here. Not only that, but you get to have fun too!!! Cheap at half the price 

< Message edited by MissMagnolia -- 6/1/2008 10:20:53 PM >

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:22:45 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Be at least as interested in the woman you are talking to as you are in yourself.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:24:07 PM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I can only say, be careful what you wish for.  My who's viewing me page has frequent hits.  The thing that drives me crazy is that I get more hits from guys than women. What part of "looking for submissive female" says "gay or switch guys apply here?" 

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:32:12 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You blend.
Unfortunately, your journal is not the first thing people see, and if your actual profile isnt filled out most people do not bother with a journal. The information you have in that profile says nothing, really. Its fluff and sounds like you've made no effort to even sound interesting. You said you dont want endless emails full of copypasta and trite and empty phrases... but look at your profile. That is about as empty as it gets. Thats like saying "Im nice." It means nothing, really.
Id suggest you take parts of your OP here and make them your profile. Make yourself sound more positive that you are a capable dominant, or will be once you learn a thing or two. Being positive about yourself goes a long way toward impressing others, after all.
Id also agree with the others that your obsession about your weight might be a little offputting. Not becasue it is bad, but becasue it is the only thing you talk about. Having a focus is good, having an obsession is bad. You make your focus sound more like an obsession.
If youd like a bit of help rewriting, let me know...

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:34:37 PM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CirclMastr

I'm not rude or arrogant or presumptuous.  I'm not an old man trying to rob a cradle, I'm not suffering a mid-life crisis.

I'm a nice guy, really.


OK #1 Nice guys finish last.

#2 I am a rude arrogant cocksucking motherfucking prick who Mod 11 has on Speed Spank, but I get lots of views and IM's / Mails... What can I say chicks dig the bad boy...

#3) I am having a midlife crisis and if you dont believe me Ill show ya my Vette, my Harley, and my Hawaian shirt... Yet I see more 18-20 year old pussy than the gyno at the campus health center.

#4) I am a cradle robber - see above. Most of the women I date - BDSM or vanilla arent old enough to buy a beer and my motto is that right now, this very day, somewhere a baby girl is being born who will be sucking my cock in 18 years....

Im quite average looking, those who have seen me know that while Ive never been chased by torch bearing villagers I am no model either. However, I have confidence and the courage of my convictions and Ill speak my mind... All key to a dominant personality.

All kidding aside, stop trying to sell people on what you arent and sell yourself on your own merits. Everyone has some good traits, accentuate those and dont come across as meek or desparate / pleading. No woman wants an insecure Dom... Are you in charge or arent you??? If so - cowboy the fuck up and go for it. Whats the worst they can say - "no"? Well then see what I said about 18 years from now. There are plenty of fish in the sea and new ones reaching legality every day....

CONFIDENCE. Its about confidence and attitude - both of which are sexy. Stop trying and BE YOURSELF, if a woman likes you than great if she doesnt then fuck her and the horse she rode in on - NEXT!!!!  Hang in there, Bro.

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 6/1/2008 10:40:23 PM >

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:50:48 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		You don't have a picture up, and you don't say much in your profile.  You have to be confident with women, whether you're a dominant or a submissive.  You don't strike me as being that confident.  I think that's part of your problem.  You have to downplay your negative traits with positive traits.  I see fat, average looking guys with gorgeous looking women all the time, and most of them aren't rich.  They have a sense of humor, they are confident, and they are honest.  We all have insecurities, but you don't have to wear them on your sleeve.  Trust me, you have plenty of time to open up about your self-doubts after you have met a girl.  The best advise I can give you is that practice makes perfect.  Walk up to women and just talk to them when you see someone you find attractive.  Don't be a jerk about it, but overcome that fear and approach people.  You may get shot down a hundred times, but you will meet someone eventually.  Trust me, rejection doesn't hurt that much when you get used to approaching women.  If you get shot down, be polite and be a gentleman then move on to the next person. 

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:51:06 PM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		Re: Weight

I don't focus on the topic of weight loss out of self-loathing, but out of a desire for self-improvement. Back when I weighed 375, that was when I hated myself. I will do my best to expand my topics of discussion, but since I remain inexperienced they will likely be mundane, vanilla topics as well.

Re: Profile

I'd be happy to expand my description if I knew what to include in it.

Re: Munches

Yes, I went to one munch, last year. Yes, it was overall a positive experience. I lost enthusiasm when the group to which I was referred denied my membership application. I haven't seen any munches near enough for me to attend since then.

_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.

(in reply to Irishknight)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 10:59:32 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Circ, lucky you!
I have to delete 5 or 10 gay males "looking for some action" from my "who's viewing you" page every month.
Do you live at home with your parents or something?
And what's wrong with older guys and younger women?
Older guys can last longer and we bring flowers.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 11:06:17 PM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Walk up to women and just talk to them when you see someone you find attractive.  Don't be a jerk about it, but overcome that fear and approach people.  You may get shot down a hundred times, but you will meet someone eventually.  Trust me, rejection doesn't hurt that much when you get used to approaching women.  If you get shot down, be polite and be a gentleman then move on to the next person. 


Shit slaveboy, sometimes the rejection is better than the pussy if you score. Being called a "rusty crusty chili mouthed american squid ape" is fucking priceless!!!  I disagree with the polite / gentleman thing - it depends on the attitude and how she rejected you. If shes civil than Im civil, but if she comes off with something like "go fuck yourself asshole" I will whip out a hundred dollar bill and say "Well Benjamin and I thought we were gonna be fucking you. You are a whore arent ya? I mean nobody except a seasoned pro would wear that outfit in public..."  LOL The niceness of my comeback depends on the niceness of their rejection and can range from buying them a drink anyway and wishing them well to driving them out of the bar in tears... (Which incidentally usually results in an even BETTER looking woman coming over to find out what the laughing bad boys said to the fleeing princess... Women are CRUEL and love to see the divas knocked off their pedastal...)  

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 6/1/2008 11:11:01 PM >

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 11:17:47 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Oh you're just SUCH a tough guy aren't you? Perhaps the OP is wanting an actual female human being, and not just "pussy".

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to DomAviator)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/1/2008 11:24:00 PM   
DomAviator


Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

Oh you're just SUCH a tough guy aren't you? Perhaps the OP is wanting an actual female human being, and not just "pussy".


Well then step right up, take one for the team, and start dating him. Hey Circl, I hooked ya up bro...(See that didnt take long) MissMagnolia is stepping up to the plate... Circl Miss Miss Circl... By the power invested in my by my gold wings and brass balls I now prounounce you properly introduced... Dont forget to invite me to the wedding ok kiddos?

< Message edited by DomAviator -- 6/1/2008 11:25:59 PM >

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/2/2008 6:47:18 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		I just read your profile and to be honest the sentence "you have my permission to message me " would make me NOT write to you.  This is the internet...since when does someone need permission to write to someone else?

Your profile, the most recent posts, appears to focus more on what you don't have and what you aren't than on what you have and are eg. from your most recent post I learn that you hate looking at photos of yourself and hated the profile pic that you had up, you are not happy with your online experiences ...the 'alleged girls' comment, you are lacking practical and logistical skills, you don't know how you would balance household tasks, no bedroom experience and you can't attract anyone.  All of this from one post!

Be more open about the things about yourself that you love...or at least like.  Why would a woman be attracted to you?  Start joining in the forums here more...that is guaranteed to increase your views, I rarely get viewed by locals but when I start posting more my views increase.  Being more involved here lets others learn more about you.... you are more than numbers on a scale.

Take this time to attend some practical workshops if there are any near you, start focusing on what you as a person have to offer not only someone else, but more importantly the gifts (not meaning that in the wanky submission is a gift way) that you can bring to your own life.  You need to not only like yourself but love yourself before anyone else will.

I am trying not to be harsh .... start allowing your light to shine.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/2/2008 6:58:19 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I think the lack of information in your profile is likely your biggest detriment. If you hadn't made this posting, I wouldn't have given your profile more than about a 2 second glance.Women like to know a little about who you are. Peruse other profiles, get some ideas as to what you should include...but I'd try to tell a little about "who" you are. Feel free to check mine out...I get lots of comments on mine.

Beyond that, don't confine your search to this medium. Get out and meet people. Oh and that "permission to message me line"....that's gotta go.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/2/2008 7:04:23 AM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		They bring up a good point.  Positivity and confidence are much better attractors than the negative.  Add some stuff focusing on the good parts of who are and stress those things over the negative.  I am not a pilot with a harley or a vette but I can manage to get ladies interested in my fat arse.  Why?  Because I know who I am and I'm confident about what I do. 

And DA, a couple of good horses are in the same league as a vette for "getting pussy."  Women will see how a man handles his horse and they can tell how he'll handle a woman from that.  My biggest problem is chasing away the adolescent so I can get to their older sisters or moms.

(in reply to wandersalone)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/2/2008 7:13:39 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		My advice?
Fill out a profile and re attatch your photograph.  Talk about yourself on the profile in a concise way.  Mention your hobbies, your job if it is interesting to you, favourite food or wine, where you live - ANYTHING.  Aks friends what they enjoy about you then add that - say 'I am thought of as..... ' or 'My Friends consider me to be....' etc.
 
Take out the 'permission' aspect.   No one needs permission to access and mail you - you do not own anyone as yet - permission is a form of submission in that respect for many s-types.  You are assuming a relationship before it has even begun.  As wanders mentioned, it would also put me off.
 
Participate in the forums.  When active, Darcy and I get lots of hits - when we take time off the message board, we get a noticable lack of hits.
 
Stop complaining about things so much.  Whilst there are some good bits in your blog, it does come across as very negative.  I don't see obsession with weight, I personally think it rocks you kept an update and kudos for that.
 
You can always try a different photograph if you are fed up with the old one, or getting a new one done, or even a professional as long as it is within the guidelines of CM.
 
Hope you take the comments as constructive.
 
the.dark.


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Unlucky Everydude, OR Pushing a Boulder Uphill for ... - 6/2/2008 7:16:51 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		There's nothing more pathetic or off-putting than braggarts. If someone knows their self-worth they won't need to talk about themselves all the time.

A man that goes on and on and on about his achievements and successes is insecure and in need of validation. He probably didn't get enough love from his mummy when he was a little boy, and man is it heartbreaking, but certainly, it's not an incentive to do anything good with them (unless one is Mother Theresa ).

Quiet confidence is sexy - and so are horses  .

_____________________________



(in reply to Irishknight)
Profile   Post #: 20
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