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stella41b -> RE: Which is the most importent ingredient your future Dom/me Must have?? (6/2/2008 4:26:37 AM)
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Seriously?
being able to accept, understand, and establish a psychological and emotional connection within say 1,000 words. male Doms can do this too, but not quite in the same way as Dommes. However this all depends on whether you're looking for 'the long haul'. Most subs are, but herein lies the challenge.
Sadly not everyone makes it. Why? Well it's simply down to gender differences, socialization and conditioning which we are all subjected to from our earliest memories. That same socialization and conditioning which causes the transgendered so much anguish, turmoil and pain. Societal expectations differe for men and for women, for male Doms that leap is much shorter generally speaking than for Dommes. Quite simply, men are hardwired differently from women. Society sees just male and female, two broad categories, but in reality the gender divide isn't quite so wide, and in fact right in the middle male and female meet, greet and intermingle.
This seems a long way from boys being made of 'puppy dogs' tails' and girls being made from 'sugar and spice and all things nice' and out there in society, wider society so many would want to keep such distinctions, but life gets in the way. We develop as children, survive puberty, enter adulthood and illusions and misconceptions from the past take on a new reality.
However intimately speaking both men and women are hardwired differently. Simple biology? Who knows? I have not graduated from any university, but writing purely from my own perspective and my own life, part of that life labouring under the illusion that I was a dysfunctional male, and more recently my life as me, myself and I. However some things may come from a distorted perspective.
But was it really as we are led to believe in the garden of Eden? What if Adam took the apple out of the tree? Would society be any different from what it is now? A point to ponder perhaps.
On these sites we hear that men outnumber women.. This may be true. By how many? Ask anyone and you'll get some sort of hypothesis, 80/20, 3 to 1, or something relating to a ratio. Why then are there so many lonely Dommes out there when there are so many male subs so eager and willing to serve them? There are lonely male Doms out there too, but so too there appears t be a shortage of female submissives. Female switches appear to even complicate the matter even further. Dom or sub? Depends on the relationship most would say I guess.
The basic answer I feel lies in commitment, and in basic motivation. How many times do you hear of a married male Dom with a female sub, and how many times do you hear about a male Dom who is married to his female sub? Okay, so same sex relationships taken out of the equation, just for simplicity, how many married Dommes do you find with male submissives?
Then you can perhaps consider how many submissives both Doms and Dommes form relationships with from the first, to the penultimate. My theory is that Dommes form more relationships with subs than male Doms.
You see women don't just age, they develop, they change, they evolve.. Their most basic fundamental need from a submissive of either gender is that the submissive is able to develop and progress the relationship as she changes and develops and gets older. Here female subs with Mistresses have the clear advantage, for they are aging, developing, evolving too. For male subs who are more inclined to settle it is much more of a challenge. What Mistress wants Mistress gets, and what Mistress wants most of all is emotional and psychological stimulation.. her need to dominate tends to be far mroe emotional, connected with feelings, thoughts, sensations, experiences, emotions and even from time to time moods and mood changes.
The sad truth is that by the time most Dommes are seeking their second or third submissive they have usually been deceived, lied to, cheated and they learn very quickly to set out their stall and make very clear their expectation, otherwise... be gone. Ever noticed why very few Dommes on these boards are posting their own problems, and if they do, it is often with that need to communicate. "I have encountered something and this is what I DO NOT want". They are setting out their stall and changing their expectations. What makes it even sadder is that many male submissives out there, fine, intelligent, truly wonderful subs are not given a chance beceause of the few pricks who spoil it for everyone. It makes it much harder.
Until they have managed to work out what they want and need, many Dommes go through submissives very much in the same way they go through handbags or shoes. They also very quickly develop an aversion to 'do me' subs. many have an aversion to time-consuming, submissive centred activities such as feminization, adult babies, which some see as very narcissitic and which doesn't do much for them. You see they yearn to explore, develop, discover, exploring floggers, paddles, canes, whips, straps, tawses, bondage, shibari, breath play, and other activities. Why? For how it makes them feel, what sensation it gives, whether it 'does' something for them, but this is also secondary to that feeling of power, of being in control, of being presented with the initiative and having that opportunity always open to them. Most have an emotional need to dominate, to control, to guide, teach, train, but they also yearn for that emotional connection, that togetherness, that bond, those feelings, and so much more which they hope for in a new relationship but often do not find.
Another thing is.. and this is echoed acrosss both genders, they are human too. Men as Doms can be sensitive, at times vulnerable, maybe they cry, they have problems, issues, and some get pissed that they're expected to live up to the stereotype of the hard, mean bastard. The same too with Dommes, they are after all women, they have bad days, moods, emotions, they cry, they can be weak, vulnerable, hurt, many have families, children, people who really matter to them, some care for an elderly relative, they too can't always live up to the stereotype.
But this is what many submissives expect.. Wow! We had a great time playing, but sadly quite often when the scene is over the submissive says goodbye, leaves, leaving the Domme alone to clean up the equipment, drops of candle wax from the carpet, remove her make up, get out of her corset only to find that her reward for the evening is a cold empty bed and thoughts of what has just been. Some Dommes give up at some stage, deciding it's not really worth all that much effort. Others simply add 'tribute required' to their profile, if only to pay for the cleaning and the preparation, not to mention the planning which goes into the scene. So many subs, and so many lonely Dommes. This to me is one of the reasons for sadness in BDSM. Communication I feel is the key, a little patience, and consideration for the other person.
You may think you've found the perfect Domme, but are you sure? And what's more, how close are you to being her ideal sub? Do you have what it takes to reach out and take her hand in your's when she's feeling afraid? To reach out and take her into your arms when she's down? To stand in the face of her anger and not turn and flee? Can you play the way she wants to play? And are you prepared to fly with her when she wants to grow wings and fly? Can you be there by her side when she's made a new discovery and wants to try something new?
Knowing these answers is a key to being able to know whether you're going to be together long term or not. Are you prepared to be flexible enough so that she doesn't outgrow you? Lose interest in you? Are you sure that you can provide her with the necessary emotional and psychological stimulation she needs to remain interested in the relationship? Don't let the pretty face fool you, if she's a Domme she's usually sharp, above average intelligence, and quite often she can work you out much quicker than you think she can.
This lies behind my answer - it's all in the mind. Her mind. If she's going to be in control of our relationship, and to a large extent me, the sooner I can work out the way she thinks, feels, acts, and behaves the more confident and relaxed I will feel about opening up msyelf to her.
Better the Devil you know, eh?
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